It was a long day, college classes had just ended, it was raining outside and even though I didn't care for the rain. I wasn't trying to get wet.

So I decided to just sit inside one of the office buildings next to the dorms, I waited to get picked up by a friend I had called. As I went inside and sat down i saw a girl sitting down. She had a laundry basket with her. She was Korean, long black hair and a complextion a lot like my own.

I sat there, on the couch they had placed in that room. The paint was green, the carpet a striped green and black. Although the carpet looked tattered and worn, likly from being here too long. I just sat there. She was sleeping on the loveseat couch not too far from me. Every once in a while I would eye her, taking a quick look.

After about 20 minutes she'd wake up, she seemed embarrassed I was there while she slept. She asked me if she was snooring? I told her no. She gave a small giggle. I'm not sure what, but something in me began to fantasize about her doing that while we had a conversation.

Something told me I should speak to her more, that just maybe something may come from it. Yet...I said nothing. Just a few short words as I went back to sitting alone again.

A part of me wanted more than anything to be with her in conversation, and maybe if we hit it off, more than that. Yet, I was so much more comfortable being alone. I didn't want to invite someone into my life kd pursue theirs, only to later figure out I've been trespassing this whole time. I was afraid of what it meant to be so close to someone that I wanted to.

That I wanted to trespass. Something in me spoke outwards and pleaded for me to just man-up and talk.

But...I was just too tired, tired of always being someone who made first contact, someone who always strived for a bond that someone else didn't want. Every encounter felt forced, every word dragged and every get-together was a chore. Thats how I felt, or maybe, thats just how it was. Never seeing what its like to be understood.

Watching her was like seeing a horizon I could never reach, I felt so alienated, yet I had done it to myself.

Her smile was a whole universe waiting to be explored...yet I feared the darkness that may linger within it and the vague answers I'd find just seeking the warmth behind inside.

I wanted that connection. In those moments as I thought about it, I thought of my mother. Her way of talking and starting such easy conversations, yet I would never be given such a beautiful trait.

Cursed to speak, but wishing I was mute. Because at least then I'd have an excuse for not wishing to talk. Sometimes I ask myself of it's possible to be so lonely, that even those around you that supposedly understood, become those who truly never will.

An understanding that I desperately want, but fear the most. Is it because I'll lose what I think makes me so unique? Or is it because I'm worried about how pathetic I really am?

I don't know.

And thats what scares me. I stare at the girl as she rests her head once again, and as I ccontinue...to sit.