Chapter Notes: Ava-Rain's POV

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- 'A woman can't run from the things she's done, when the weight's got her on her knees.' -

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Leaving the Helland cottage was hard, but actually leaving the Hellands was even harder. Five days with them was more than even I thought I would have needed, yet it just wasn't enough. Five could have easily turned into six, six into seven, and seven into twenty, but the longer I stayed would have only been my way of putting off the inevitable: my return to the den. And the thing about inevitability was that you could never really out run it, no matter how much of a head start you gave yourself.

I had not spoken to Caleb since the night he left with Kane to return to his pack, not entirely by choice but because of circumstance. What came along as a packaged deal of cottage life were fewer cell towers, which made maintaining a cell phone signal damn near impossible. There was no way to inform him of my return, other than a quick four worded text that may or may not have gotten through.

I had hoped the former would have prevailed, but, once I arrived at the den, an uneasy feeling in my gut told me that it ended up being the latter.

Once the car came to a stop, I shifted my gaze from the house towards Kasey in the driver's seat. My decision to leave the cottage had turned into the whole family leaving just before noon to return to the city, though the Hellands were due to come back anyway, give or take a few days. We had been back for a little over an hour, enough time for me to have sent another text that would have undoubtedly been received by Caleb, but decided against it when—despite my protests—Kasey volunteered to drive me to the den.

"That's one huge house," she said.

I initially believed that she had spoken in awe, but that thought process quickly changed with her next words.

"It's completely impossible for them to have every nook and cranny of this estate guarded and protected at all times."

Well, I think it was safe to say that she wasn't impressed.

And if that wasn't enough, she then cut the engine and stepped out of the car. With no other choice, I opened the passenger door and got out, the scent of fresh grass clippings filled my nose as I rounded the car to stand next to her. But that only ended up with me trying to play catch up because she was already off and stomping on the front lawn.

"Do you know what an estate surrounded by trees gets you?" Kasey continued to inspect the area, her hands firmly planted on her hips as her head moved at an impossible speed in every direction.

"A beautiful view?" I smiled.

She spared a mere second of her time to look, or, rather, roll her eyes at me, before settling them back on the property. "More like a blind view. I've already counted three weak areas and I haven't even seen the back yet."

Says the girl with a family cottage, literally, surrounded by trees. Trees, if I remembered correctly, acted as the perfect hiding spot for pure bloods to watch you and the rest of the Hellands.

"You really expect me to ever be okay with leaving you here?"

"But you're not—"

"Where anybody or anything," she cut me off, "can come crawling out of those woods at any given moment?"

"I can assure you, this is the safest place for her to be."

We both turned around to find Kane, arms crossed and eyes narrowed in our direction, standing at the top of the stairs. "As I'm sure you could already tell from the lengthy drive up here," he began to descend, his brown hair glistening in the sun, "the woods stretch out for miles. And it's rigged with traps to keep specific unwanted guests away. And that fifty-foot gate a mile down the driveway that required a code to open?" As he began to make his way in our direction, his eyes found mine for only a moment before they returned to Kasey. "That iron gate wraps around the entire estate through the woods, so even if you are lucky enough to survive the hike, there's no getting past that gate."

By the time he finished, Kane was no more than five feet away from where Kasey and I stood. So many thoughts and questions were running through my mind, none of which pertained to what he had just said. Kane was still here. And that could have only meant that he was still a part of the pack, right?

Despite our weird and awkward relationship, a part of me wanted to go right up to him and hug the hell out of him. I was at least fifty-two percent sure that he would have allowed me to do so. But what kept me from following through was the one hundred percent fact that Kane's presence meant one of either two things: Caleb had successfully convinced his beta to stay, or Kane had only stayed this long only because I hadn't been around.

Because having me out of the picture meant that Kasey was equally out of the picture.

"Everything has a weak spot," Kasey spoke.

"True," he turned his head in her direction. "And if or when that weak spot gives way, there are eight ready and willing wolves to defend it with their lives and mend it with their blood."

If those two were being literal or just speaking figuratively, I sure as heck could not tell you. I could only tell you what I felt, and I felt that all of that talk of 'weak spots' was code for 'Ava-Rain'. And, if that had been true, on one hand, I guess I should have felt content in knowing that Kane had just declared that he would protect me. But, on the other hand, being referred to as weak was not something a girl ever wanted to hear about herself, let alone be described as. Especially not from her best friend—who I hoped had not meant it literally at all—or from a member of the pack she was meant to lead one day.

Before I allowed that feeling to truly sink in, I, instead, focused my energy on why I had come back. "You going to be okay out here?"

It wasn't until seconds after I asked that I realized my question was meant for them both. Kane was, after all, the wolf Kasey was mated to and the wolf that she was super determined to reject because of the role she was born into. And she was the human he was gifted, and one that he had made crystal clear he would never accept. Leaving them together—alone—was most likely a disaster in the making, but it was a better alternative then taking her, quite literally, behind enemy lines.

They both looked at me, but Kane's eyes quickly retreated back to Kasey as if he was waiting to hear her response. Neither he nor I had to wait very long because her answer was given in the form of a nod.

"Well," I cleared my throat. "I'll just leave you two to talk then. Kasey," I turned to her, "I'll try my best to make it quick, okay?"

"Take your time." She glanced at Kane, whose gaze was, oddly enough, still fixated on her. "Say your goodbyes."

As I knew it would, that had finally forced Kane to tear his gaze away from his mate, but, with a speed that both shocked and impressed me, I managed to look away before our brown eyes met.

If they had, it only would have been that much harder to follow through with my decision to leave the pack.

So, instead, I turned my head and stared up at the house. "Is he here?"

"He's out back. I'll get him—"

"No, it's fine. I. . ."

I'm not ready to face him just yet.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to say goodbye.

"I should get my stuff," was all I could say before heading for the front steps.

The one thing I could count on in that moment was Kane's silence. He didn't question me. He didn't say anything else. He would probably be the only one out of the entire pack that would easily let me go, and I was actually grateful to him for that reason.

Whether or not it was because my departure now made it easier for him to stay, it didn't really matter. All that mattered was that, just like he had been forced to do, I, too, was making the best choice for myself. And there was no way that Kane could ever hold that against me, find error in my decision or cast judgment upon me because of that choice.

I packed my things faster than I probably needed to. My initial goal was simply to get in and get out without drawing too much attention to myself, but I had been in a house full of wolves and highly doubted that my presence had gone undetected. Even so, my task was accomplished without distraction. If the pack was at all curious about my return, they refrained from allowing it to seek me out, which left me unbothered.

Packing hadn't consumed very much time—I literally threw everything I could into my suitcase and sent a quick 'thanks' up to the heavens when it managed to close. So what had taken up most of the twenty minutes I spent in the room I shared with Caleb was the fifteen spent looking around it, allowing my gaze to travel along every inch and settle in every corner.

The door I had been pushed against when Caleb first revealed to me what he was.

The exact spot on the wooden floorboards where I was hijacked by his emotions the night I first met the pack and his parents.

The California King where I slept most comfortably because it was the only place where Caleb's scent was the strongest.

The large window that was always left unobstructed by the drapes so that both day and night could have their complete fill of the room.

Caleb's room was probably always meant to have been a safe space. Sure, the den as a whole was as secure as it was beautiful, and there was enough love within the pack to fill a thousand houses as large as this one, but once that bedroom door closed, nothing outside of it was meant to exist.

I was supposed to just be Ava-Rain, and he was supposed to just be Caleb. A place where we were free of titles, and where complications, issues and worries would have been left at the door. That was the hope. That was Caleb's hope. But it never became anything more than a dimly lit desire, put out before it was ever really given a chance to grow into a bigger untameable flame.

And it was for that very reason that I had to leave.

Because fantasies were not real. Hiding away in a bedroom did not mean that the world outside of your door stopped rotating. As much as we both wished to become anybody other than who we actually were, in a world other than the one we were struggling to survive in, that room would always be just a room. It didn't harbour the power to change anything, and the door that kept us in and everything else out was nothing more than a seven-foot high and three-foot wide piece of wood.

I had already spent most of my life tucked away between four walls, and I was not in any rush to return to that sort of misery. So long as I continued to allow Caleb to regard me and his pack as separate entities instead of two halves of a whole, so long as I allowed him to continue making decisions for me instead of with me, there just could not be a place for me at the den.

I didn't really know what to expect once I was ready to leave, but the entire pack—minus Kane and Caleb—Caleb's parents, and Angelie all scattered around the grand foyer certainly wasn't what I thought I would find when I made my way downstairs. My heart started to pound a little harder, and if any pair of eyes were to look down at my hands they would have seen them shaking. But having them all together—even Mr. and Mrs. B, whose presence I was surprised by—meant that I could deliver one big goodbye instead of nine individual ones, but to do it that way seemed so impersonal.

They weren't just some faceless strangers that could be grouped together. Six of those wolves had given up everything to accept me as their alpha's mate, and two of the remaining three, who had the biggest reason to reject me, had welcomed me with open arms and accepted me and my place in their son's life. As for Angelie, who I had no real relationship with and was only connected to through our mutual love for Caleb, despite not owing me anything, she was putting her life at risk with every second that she kept me a secret.

Chase was the first to move, abandoning his spot in front of the front door to meet me at the base of the steps. When I looked up at him, I was met with a soft smile that assured me he held no ill feelings. While I battled with whether or not to say 'hi' first or just come out with a 'see you later, maybe', Chase opened his arms and, without a second of hesitation, I stepped into his embrace.

"Kane told us you're leaving, but I know that this won't be forever," he whispered in my ear. "So, do what you believe you need to do for you and then come back to us. To him." He pulled away and stared down into my eyes.

"I can't promise you that I will."

"But I can promise you that you can, should you choose to."

"Isn't that for the alpha to decide?" I joked and we both smiled.

I had not forgotten what Caleb told me the night I first met the pack and the ultimatum he had given me. If I had chosen him, I would be stuck with him and in this life forever, but if I had not, then I would have forfeited by place by his side and in the pack. No second chances.

I had chosen him then—a decision that was meant to have sealed my fate—but this time I was choosing myself. A second chance that neither of us expected would arise through a complication in the form of his beta and my best friend. And I highly doubted that I would ever be given a third.

"I don't like to brag," his green eyes lit up with amusement, "but I've got some sway with him."

"Thanks, Chase."

He took my suitcase from my hand and moved to stand to my right. Even with only a glimpse of his peripheral I could see that his expression had turned serious as he stared towards the rest of the pack and nodded once. All of the deltas immediately made their way towards me and stretched out into a horizontal line before Chase and I. The Brandts followed suit but took up a spot behind the pack, while Angelie had not moved from her spot against the wall across from where we all stood.

My eyes travelled from one on to the next as I took a deep breath and began to speak from the heart. "I just want you all to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me. I know that my presence in your lives jeopardized everything you've spent most of your lives trying to protect, and accepting me as Caleb's mate couldn't have been easy. I know that it wasn't. So, if there's one thing that I hope you all know, it's that I'll be forever grateful to you.

"But the fact is that I haven't done anything to show you that, have I? I've made a lot of mistakes, and the biggest one of all put one of you at risk," I looked over at Declan but he avoided my gaze so I moved it along, "which, in turn, put all of you at risk. I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. Ever.

"Do I think that leaving will eliminate that risk entirely? No. But I don't think there's a place for me here, and that's not because any of you have, in any specific way, made me feel like I don't belong. The fault lays with me. I made a choice that I wasn't ready or prepared to make at a time when I wasn't fully ready or prepared to make it because I wanted so badly to finally have a place to belong.

"I don't know what Caleb has told you about me, but I didn't grow up with what you all have. I never really had a family of my own, and the little I did have made me believe that love was conditional. I had to prove that I deserved it, and when I couldn't it meant that I wasn't somebody worthy of it. I don't know how to love you all because I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to belong to this pack because I don't know how to belong period. You've accepted me without condition, but I'm wired to believe that I have to prove myself first.

"I'm not an alpha female," my eyes drifted over each and every member, "and I'm not choosing the Hellands over you, I'm choosing myself with the hope that one day I might become somebody that deserves your love. Somebody with something to bring to your table."

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When Kane told me that Caleb was out back, I thought he meant that I would find him within viewing distance of the house, not deep in the woods he once warned me to never enter unchaperoned. It had not taken very long to wander upon his location; our connection as mates would always help me find my way to him. And if he chose to berate me, I would let it be known that my disobedience was his own fault because he had to have known that his absence would only force me to seek him out.

His back was already turned to me when I found him, but his head turned slightly to the side as my footsteps drew closer. The smell of red oak was stronger that deep in the woods, but, even with all of that nature permeating the air, I could still make out Caleb's very distinct scent.

"Hi," was all I could say when seconds ticked by and he still made no move to turn around to face me.

"Hi." His tone was harsh. Cold. He had to have known why I was here. What I was about to do.

Once the icebreaker was out of the way, I took a few more steps in his direction but stopped when his body stiffened, a very clear warning that he did not want me any closer.

Oddly enough, this was exactly how things had gone down when Caleb left me at the cottage, only this time our roles were reversed. This time I was the one trying to gather up the courage to say goodbye, and he was the one making it harder to do so. And I couldn't even be mad at him for that because I knew that the last thing you wanted to do when someone was about to tell you goodbye was look at them and watch as they said it.

"Did you get my text?"

"I did," was his sharp reply.

A coolness grazed over my body, a shiver that had nothing to do with the wind but everything to do with Caleb's cold shoulder. "We haven't been back for very long. Kasey brought me here. I tried to talk her out of it because of the whole hunter thing, but she. . .well, she's Kasey and she insisted and—"

"It's fine."

"It's just. . .her and the whole Kane thing, I didn't want you to think that I was trying to force anything—"

"I promise you, Ava-Rain," finally, finally, he turned around, "that those two are the last thing on my mind right now."

"You know why I'm here, don't you?"

"I think it's pretty obvious, is it not?"

"Well—"

"I left you, so now you're leaving me."

I shook my head. "Caleb, that's not—"

"Not, what? Not true? Not the reason? Because from where I'm standing," he crossed his arms, "it sure as hell looks like that's exactly why you're leaving! And you really think that, with everything that's going on right now, you leaving is what's best?"

"You have no right to be mad at me! And I didn't come here to be yelled at, but if that's all you're capable of doing right now, then I'm going to turn around and leave."

"Well, you're already leaving, so. . ."

Again, I shook my head. As frustrating as he was being, as difficult as he was making this, there was no possible way that he wanted us to part ways in anger.

I walked over to him and tried not to let it effect me too much when he turned his head to avoid looking at me when I stood in front of him. "Don't do this, Caleb. Please, don't do this."

He still refused to look at me. With no other choice, I crossed the proverbial line between us, reached up and took his face in my hands. It seemed that all Caleb needed was my touch for him to let go of his anger and give into the rest of emotions. In an instant, the blue filled me just as intensely as they filled him, the weight of all of his emotions bearing down on me at once was nearly suffocating but made bearable as we both fought to control them together.

"You shouldn't. . ." He protested as he placed his hands on top of mine, but made no attempt to remove them.

"You don't want me to touch you?"

"I only ever want you to touch me. But you shouldn't." Caleb's hands slid off of mine, and to spare myself the awkwardness I pulled my own away from his face.

My attempt at masking my sadness resulted in a breathy, "okay." I cleared my throat and prayed to God that, from that point onward, my voice wouldn't crack. "Can we try this again without yelling at each other?"

He nodded.

"First," I turned my back on him and put some space between us, "I just want you to know that I'm not choosing the Hellands over you. They have always been and will always remain a part of my life. And whether you like it or not," I turned around to face him once more, "whether you accept it or not, that won't ever change. And I can't think about what effect that might have have on Kane because he's not the one that I'm choosing. I'm choosing myself, Caleb, and severing a connection with the Hellands isn't what's best for me.

"When you chose your pack over me, I was devastated. To me, the worst thing that you could have ever done, you did. And for days I was so angry with you because I truly believed that when you told me you loved me, you meant it. That loving me meant that I was important because the only people you loved were your parents and your pack. So I didn't understand how you could love me and, yet, so easily leave me behind.

"I tried to convince myself that what you said before you left wasn't true—that you were choosing your pack over me—but it was. And I came to realize that it didn't mean that you loved them more or loved me less, it just meant that you loved us separately. It means that you don't yet see me as a part of your pack."

The wheels in his head were obviously turning, but a response did not come. Caleb continued to hold my gaze, continued to stare so intensely into my eyes as if he wished there was a way to transfer his thoughts into my head, but after a very long silence, he nodded before hanging his head low. "If that's how you feel, then I'm not going to try and change your mind, Ava-Rain. It's obviously already made up and I doubt that I can change it, can I?"

Instead of confirming what we both already knew, I treated the question like it had been rhetorical.

"I hope you know why I did what I did," he added.

"I do. And because I do, I hope that, in return, you understand that I'm not doing this to hurt you. It's not what I want to do, but what I need to do. For me."

"And what I need be damned. . ." He uttered softly into the air.

Whether he had meant for me to hear that or intended for the wind to carry it away, I really wasn't sure. But I had heard it. And it hurt. It hurt a lot.

"Where will you go? Back to your grandmother's? The Helland's?"

"I. . .I was actually hoping I could stay at the condo. I know it's a lot to ask, but—"

"It's yours. Whenever you need it, for however long you need it, it's yours. But I have one condition and its non-negotiable."

"Routine check in's and a guard outside of my door at all times?" I smiled, hearing that 'condition' coming from a mile away.

"Agreeing with your choice is the absolute last thing that I want to do. And I know you don't want to hear it, Ava-Rain, but this is the worst possible time for you to try and find yourself. And I'm not saying that to be mean or to make you feel bad because you know that I always want you to be honest with your feelings. I would never belittle them or you.

"But there are pure bloods that know about us. Pure bloods that know about the Hellands. Pure bloods that attacked you. I'm not letting you go anywhere without protection. You won't have to see me, but—even if you don't believe that you're a part of this pack—there are seven wolves in that den that wouldn't wait until they were commanded to shadow your every move. I will give you your space, but I will not do so by jeopardizing your safety. You can't think that's unreasonable."

I shook my head. "No, it's not."

"Good. And the moment I believe your safety is compromised, you're coming straight back. Whether that's hours from now, days or weeks, you're back in this den until I choose to let you out. Is that clear?"

'Do I really have a choice?' I thought.

I nodded, remembering a second too late how much it irritated Caleb when specific questions weren't answered with a verbal confirmation. As expected, his eyes narrowed and his lips parted, so I readied myself for the question to be repeated but it never happened. Instead, Caleb turned his head to the side, dragging his eyes away with him.

I feared that maybe he really wasn't yet ready to throw in the towel and was preparing to go another round. Nothing seemed to have suggested otherwise when he turned his back and took a few slow steps away from me.

"Caleb?"

Immediately after I called his name, above us, hundreds of birds fled from their trees. There were so many that, for seconds, the flock had completely casted a shadow of darkness that spread over us both.

"What the heck was that about—"

"Come here."

It wasn't so much the command but the seriousness in Caleb's voice that pulled my attention from the sky onto him. His hand was already stretched out to me and, without pause or a second thought, I crossed over and placed my own in his. He gripped onto it more tightly than I expected, but before I could even voice my discomfort I was pulled into his body and signalled to be quiet when he lifted his index finger to his lips.

"Listen to me, Ava-Rain," he took my face in his hands and I immediately placed my shaky ones on top of them. "They're here."

I didn't have to ask to know exactly who he was talking about. The shiver that ran up my spine told me all I needed to know, but it was only when my eyes shifted from Caleb's and focused on the trees yards and yards behind him that truly confirmed it.

Pure bloods.

And there was no time to dwell on the 'how' or' why' associated with their unexpected appearance and impossible infiltration of the estate. Not while I was too busy dwelling on the fact that there were two of the them.

"There are two of them. Just like before—"

"Don't look at them, look at me."

I did as he ordered and tore my eyes away from the large wolves.

"In about ten seconds," his grey eyes darkened, "I'm going to shift. I'm going to start counting, and when I get to five you're going to turn around and you're going to run. You're going to run and you're not going to look back, no matter what you hear or what you might feel. You just keep running, Ava-Rain. Do you understand?"

"I can't leave you—"

"You can and you will," he commanded.

"No—"

"One. . ."

I shook my head as tears began to fill my eyes. Panic flooded my veins, not entirely induced by the fact that we were surrounded by pure bloods but because I feared for the moment when Caleb would get to 'five' and I would be forced to leave him behind in a much different way then I intended when I came back to the den.

"Two. . ."

"Caleb, no. . ." I chanced another look behind him only to see that the pure bloods were nearly half way to us. Taking their time instead of initiating a quick ambush was probably their way of letting us know that they would be the ones to determine the outcome of this situation.

"Just keep your eyes on me, Ava-Rain." He cupped my face a little tighter. "Three. . ." His head lowered until our foreheads touched. "Four. . ." He said right before he leaned in and kissed me.

And just as quickly as our lips met, they parted.

"I love you," he whispered against my lips, but before I could even open my mouth to say it back, he had already reached the end of his countdown.

"Five. Now, run!"

Heeding his command, I turned around and I ran. I didn't stop when I heard Caleb's howl reverberate off of every tree in the woods. I didn't stop when my legs threatened to give out, nor when my lungs burned for air. But I did stop running when my path suddenly became obstructed and it became clear that there weren't only two pure bloods that managed to infiltrate the estate.

There were three.

And there was not one doubt in my mind that I had already met this particular pure blood standing before me. However, I did doubt that I'd be as lucky as our first encounter and escape its clutches a second time.

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Authour's Note: They're baaaaaack! Please, Kane, remind us again how safe you said the den was?