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43. Let's pretend

۝ Elise ۝

I tell myself its nothing.

I tell myself I don’t feel like I’m about to burst into tears every time Luke averts his eyes from me, I tell myself my thoughts do not drift to what he said that day every night, I tell myself I will forget this.

I watch as the sun comes up from behind the clouds. A wave of homesickness crashes over me.

Mom’s pretty face, smiling warmly at me. Carlos’ crooked grin, calm blue eyes. Angelina’s ruckus over the tinniest things. Morgan’s amazing apple pies and savvy stories.

What have they all been doing since I came here? Would they remember what day it is today?

Someone touches my shoulder.

I jump away, in an instant, my revolver is pressed against someone’s forehead, my finger at the trigger.

Luke holds his hands up in mock surrender “That’s a waste of ammunition.”

I let out a breath I was holding and pull my hand away “You startled me.”

Luke raises an eyebrow “I called you twice. You didn’t respond.”

“Oh,” I blink “I didn’t hear you.”

“You seem distracted.” Luke says monotonously as he scatters away the remaints of the fire wood

I refrain myself from sighing. Why cant he just talk to me normally? It would make it so easier to ignore this. It would make everything—

–Like an illusion. Luke is right, Elise. This cant be as simple as you wish it was.

The moon knows what it took for me to push away from him when all I wanted was him to kiss me the way he had before, in a way that made me forget fear, restrictions, the whole damn world.

I should die of shame.

How could I do this to myself? To my mate? To Luke?  I should’ve stopped him before things went so out of hand. I should’ve stopped myself.

Someone snaps their fingers in front of my face. I blink a few times, Luke’s impassive face comes in my view.

“I zoned out for a bit,” I say sheepishly

He keeps staring at me for a few moments “Are you alright?”

No. “Fine. Why?”

Luke shakes his head and picks up the bag, slinging it over his shoulders. The next words seem to wretch themselves out of his mouth;

“You look like a kicked puppy.”

The corner of my mouth lifts up “Just feeling homesick today.”

Luke starts walking, for a few moments we walk in silence. Then;

“Why?”

Don’t tell him. There’s no point. This is—

“It’s my birthday today.”

For the briefest moment, I see him falter in his steps, his shoulders tense. Silence stretches between us and I feel like kicking myself. Why the hell did I tell him? what did I expect?

“You’re twenty now?”

I snap out of my thoughts and nod “Yes.”

Luke only nods at me before glancing down at the map in his hands. Is it possible to be jealous of a piece of paper?

What the hell is the matter with you, Elise? I chide myself. This is what you wanted, this is what is right. Stop being so pathetic. He’s not your mate.

I’m in the middle of taking a deep breath when a horrifying thought hits me in the gut like an iron fist.

What if I never find my mate?

I swallow thickly, the lump in my throat stays just where it is.

It’s a huge possibility, I’m already twenty, already legally old enough to choose a mate for myself.

I suddenly feel like something has sucked the life out of my legs, my heart rate doubles. Before this, before Luke, finding my mate was a secondary option over freedom. But now…

If I don’t find him, I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to Luke. For doing this to myself.

I’ll never be able to forget.

I stop in my steps, unable to breathe. Am I having a panic attack? Heart attack? Anxiety attack?

No, I clench my fists tightly. Not today whatever type of attack you are. Not now.

“Hazel?”

“I’m okay,” I say too quickly

Luke raises his brow, I try and fail to swallow the persistent lump in my throat. Damn you, you weird reminder of restlessness!

“Right,” he nods his head, clearly believing my amazing acting skills “Then stop standing there,”

Nodding, I quickly walk over to him. The morning bleeds into noon and then the sun starts setting.

We enter a thinner part of the forest, the earth covered with plush, dark green moss. It’s so beautiful in the failing evening light, a stark contrast against the orange sky.

I take another step forward, only, it doesn’t fall on the plush moss. It goes right through it.

A scream rips past my mouth as the earth swallows me, the next moment I feel like someone has simultaneously pulled my shoulder out of its socket and the breath from my lungs.

Luke pulls me back up, steadying me with his arms. I try to catch my breath and stare at the gapping hole in the sheet of moss.

“It’s man made.” Luke says, his eyes scan the vast area covered with moss “This whole place must be full of them.”

I step away from him “You think we can cross this without dying?”

Luke rubs his jaw, eyes narrowed at the battle field. He glances at me, just for a moment, so quickly I think I imagined it.

“I can gauge their location by focusing on my footfall. But,” he shakes his head “We cant take chances right now, we’ll go around it.”

I open my mouth to argue but then decide against it and nod. I turn around but freeze in my place. Luke tenses besides me.

In front of us, at the border of the moss land a row of wolves appears, teeth bared, lips curled in snarls.

“Just perfect,” I hear Luke hiss out before he takes my arm in his and steers around—

Straight into the moss field. I whip my revolver out and look back, ready to shoot and—

My foot slips again, I instinctively pull the trigger, the shot goes through the trees.

“What is wrong with you?” Luke says, pulling me away from the hole “just follow—

A loud growl reaches my ears as a wolf lunges for us, others on its heels.

Unthinking, I pull the trigger, a bullet goes straight through its head. The others only seem more enraged and charge forward, seemingly having memorized a safe path.

I hear Luke curse under his breath. He throws his revolver at me, I barely catch it when he lifts me over his shoulder.

“Shoot, Hazel!” Luke says, already sprinting ahead

Clenching his revolver in one hand, I use it to brace myself on his shoulder to stay straight and with my own one, I aim.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

One, two, three down. A dozen more to go.

“I wont be able to shoot all of them,” I say, switching revolvers

I take aim again and pull the trigger, it misses, but the wolf stumbles back and right into a hole, a howl echoes in the gunpowder thick air.

“I don’t think they know the exact path,” I say to Luke, shooting another wolf “Can you guess where the most traps are?”

He doesn’t answer for a moment, the takes a sharp turn to the left.

“Hold tight,” Luke says

I feel my hands jolting with each leaping step he takes, my aim not as good as it should be. But I see the wolves slipping and falling. Their pace slows down but Luke’s only increases.

Then to my immense annoyance, I see the moss bed fade away to give a glimpse of the solid earth and still four wolves hot on our heels.

Then suddenly my heart leaps to my throat. I see the earth way below, almost a speck as the chains holding the bridge clink together with Luke’s running.

The never ending bridge comes to an end and Luke all but drops me on my behind. I glare at him, but its short lived as I catch sight of the wolves, following us.

“I really don’t want to die today,” I say, getting to my feet

“I’ll see that you get your wish.” Luke says,

I see his fingers extend, his frame becoming taller and broader as he clamps his hands on one of the thick wooden posts where the chains of the bridge are connected. He pulls it off the earth and tosses it down.

The bridge shakes horribly, the wolves stumble and halt but Luke wastes no time in going for the other post. He rips it off the ground.

The bridge falls down like a recoiling snake, the howls of the wolves on it become distant as they fall.

I slump down on the ground, breathing hard. Luke slumps down beside me, his own chest rising and falling rapidly as his fingers go back to normal. 

Finally, I open my mouth and words tumble out;

“Most unforgettable birthday ever,”

A faint smile crosses Luke’s face.
“Try not to flatter me, Hazel.”

Once we both gather our wits, we set camp only a few kilometers away. After a minimalistic dinner, I don’t know when I doze off.

Someone is shaking my shoulder. I grumble a curse and swat away the hand.

“Hazel, wake up.” a familiar voice says

“Like hell,” I mumble, making myself comfortable against the makeshift pillow of our bag

“Hazel,” this time the hand shakes my shoulder harder “Get up.”

I force my eye to open and see Luke crouching in front of me. instantly, alarms start going off in my head.

“What happened?” I ask, quickly sitting up

“Nothing of consequence,” he says, standing up “There’s something you should see.”

My brow pull together in confusion but I nod nevertheless and get up. Luke motions me to follow, in the dim light of the moon, I follow him through the forestry until he stops.

Luke steps away from in front of me and I hold back a gasp.

A crystal blue lake invades my vision, reflecting the starry sky and the moon like a glassy mirror.

“This is,” I say softly, walking over to the lake “Beautiful.”

I touch a finger to the water, watching as the whole portrait of the night sky wavers. I see my own reflection, the awestruck look on my face.

Luke’s come to stand beside me, his face impassive as ever. I turn to look at him, a soft smile on my face.

“Thank you,” I say sincerely

He only offers me a nod, I turn my attention to the lake again, something in the portrait changes. I blink, I think I just saw a flash on light cross the sky.

I look up and my eyes widen as another shooting start goes through the black canvas. Then another, and another before the whole sky illuminates with them.

I faintly hear Luke stepping away. Unthinking, my hand reaches out to hold his, his profile stiffens.

“Stay here,” I find myself saying “Stay with me.”

Luke glances at me over his shoulder “Don’t act like this Hazel.”

“Like what?”

“Like you care whether or not I’m around.”

I ignore the way my heart tightens in my chest but I don’t let go of his hand. Its my birthday today, I get to be happy for a while. Even if it’s an illusion.

“Lets just pretend to be ignorant,” I say quietly, taking a step towards him “Lets pretend your feelings are locked away in your heart, never been let out.”

I swallow thickly, knowing if I say what’s in my head, I’ll be letting him know just how vulnerable I am. There would be no taking it back.

“Just as mine are.” 

I notice the movement in his throat, his face is impassive as ever but his eyes give him away. The longing in them is making me want to break every rule I’ve set up for myself.

It’s terrifying.

Luke doesn’t let go of my hand when he turns to sit near the bank of the lake. Once we’ve both sat down, he lets go and I wrap my arms around my legs, putting my chin on my knees. The silence that befalls us is comfortable after so long.

I look at the sky showering light, a smile tugs at my lips.

“Lets make a wish,” I say to him

“You believe that?” Luke asks, not bothering to hide his amusement

“Yes, I do.” I say, not caring if it looks childish

I close my eyes and think of what to wish for. I am getting what I wanted, I’m getting my freedom. What else could I want?

I want—

I cut off my thoughts, feeling emotions overwhelming me.

“I don’t think the stars can grant my wish, Hazel.”

My eyes open and gravitate to his, swallowing the turmoil of emotions they induce. There are inches between in, entire oceans. This is how its supposed to be, but it feels so, so wrong.

I turn my face away, ignoring the dull sting behind my eyes.

“Mine neither.” I regret the words just as I say them

I shouldn’t be doing this, I’m only pushing both of us in a path that ends in pain and disappointment.

“Let’s pretend that’s not what we wish for,” I whisper

I feel something warm brush against the side of my face, slowly turning it sideways. Luke’s stormy blue eyes meet mine, he leans forward, his palm rough against my cheek, causing my heart to beat a tempo against my ribcage.

“I can’t,” Luke says

I look away from his stormy eyes. It’s too much for me. His emotions, his sincerity, his care, it’s too much for me to handle—too intense.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, afraid my voice would betray me if I speak louder

Luke holds up my chin with his thumb and finger so I meet his steady gaze “I’m not sorry, Hazel. Not for this.”

He holds my face in his hands, looking at me like I’m his victory, the sun, the moon, a priceless treasure. An illusion about to fade.

“Elise,” He says my name like an endearment, so softly it steals my breath “I—

I put a finger on his lips, my heart cracks in a million pieces “Those words don’t belong to me.”

Luke takes my hand in his hand puts it on his chest, above his heart— beating fast, hard, irregular under my palm— trying to tell me something words would never be enough to explain.

“Tell me again they don’t belong to you.”

I swallow thickly, feeling my resolute cracking under the intensity of his gaze.

“Why do you make this harder for me?” I ask, my voice fragile “Why do you make me want things I have no right of desiring?”

“Just this once, Hazel,” he says softly
He leans forward and despite myself, I find myself closing the distance as well.

“Just for a moment,” Luke whispers “Please be mine.”

His lips fall against mine, so softly, as if the slightest force would shatter this mirage. So slowly and carefully, as if wanting to stretch this moment over a million years.

Against the perfect texture of his lips, I taste something salty. Hesitantly, I pull away, blinking only to realize my eyes are sweating.

“This,” I try and fail to form words, a watery chuckle catches in my throat “This is so stupid. Like soap opera.”

Luke wipes away the tear streaks on my face, his face steeled but his eyes swirling with a storm of emotions “I don’t want to be the reason you cry, Elise.”

“You’re not.” I shake my head, a little sad smile on my face “I promise. And I don’t cry, my eyes sweat sometimes.”

He allows the ghost of a smile on his lips and pulls me to himself, wrapping an arm around my waist, stroking my hair with the other, offering comfort that I will miss more than anything else in the world.

“Lets pretend this is a dream, a whirl world fantasy.” He says, his hold on my tightens before saying “From tomorrow, everything will be the way it should be, I promise.”

A dream, I close my eyes and take a deep breath, taking in the intoxicating scent of coffee and pine trees.

Under the star tainted sky, surrounded by the secrecy of the forest, in the circle of his arms, my heart whispers, softly, clearly;

Then I never want to wake up.

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