“Heartbreak could be lived with if it weren’t accompanied by regret.” 
                       – Laura Kasischke

***

Getting home that day with so much excitement, I handed Collins the pamphlet.

“Help me read this through.” I begged. Barely catching my breath.

He snitched it off my hands like a piece of gold, going through it with the bottle of bear in his hand.
“Children’s beauty pageant?” He asked, taking another deep gulp of beer.

“You wanna go for this shit?” He asked.

“Yes.” I answered with so much enthusiasm. “I really want to go.”

He read through it once again. As if he was interested. Then he tore it into two, then four, then six and other smaller pieces I couldn’t even count.

“W...why? Why did you tear it, uncle?”

Because you won’t be going anywhere, Sly! What made you think you could ever attend such an event?

“They said girls between 10-16... Isn’t that enough?”

“Come on, Sly. Stop dreaming about so much already. Expect nothing from life else. You’ll get hurt. More hurt that you’ve already been.” He turned me to the standing mirror that was already broken. “Yes, those people are looking for girls but... Not girls like you.”

“What do you mean... Not girls like me.” I stuttered, trying to understand the word.

“They need girls with bright dreams. Girls with excellent future. With two wings to fly. With supportive parents that have heavy pockets and are very much alive. Not you. Not a lifeless thing like you, sly. No parent, no family, no support.” He leaned forward to me, staring at my eyes through the reflection in the mirror. “I mean... The light in your eyes is too dim. You won’t even get noticed.” His last words were in whispers.

“But I have you, Uncle.”

“Me? Awwww! That’s an enormous word to say, but I’m honoured. Yet, what can an old man like me do? No.” He paused. “What can a dead old man like me do? Probably stop you from disgracing yourself any further. Let me tell you something, little girl. Nobody cares about you, your past, or who you are. Never love that which you cannot keep, else you’ll get more broken. A broken heart is the worst. It’s like having broken ribs. Nobody can see it, but it hurts every time you breathe.”

“It’s my birthday wish.” My eyes bled to the sound of my cracky voice that almost choked on the last word.

“Birthday what? Wishes don’t come true, darling. And it’s not your birthday till next year.”

“It is my birthday today, uncle.” I gasped in an innocently cute voice that shivered. As if he would stab me from behind, knowing the truth.

“Oh, really?” He let out a small laugh. Then another louder one that echoed in the room. “Hmmm... No wonder you baked the cake! You’re a funny little girl, you know. You keep on unstinting things in your mind, just like your miserable mother! Well, you better stop it! Stop dreaming, Sly! And wake to reality.” He warned in a command that made my body tremble with fear. With fear of not having a chance. With the fear of not having a say.

“I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. I’d love to be a beauty queen someday. If it’s not too much to dream about. That’s my dream and I’m sure, dad would have supported me if he was alive.” A tear formed in my eyes as I urged.

“Ugh! Love is blind, but a broken heart sees everything. I understand how these work, my dear. I forbid you from attending this stupid contest! You can go to your room now. We’ve had enough chit-chat for today!” He persisted.

Since the day I started living with Collins, I’ve learned one hidden truth or another. He has tons of secret, I wouldn’t want to know. I’ve had a lot to put up with, knowing the life he’s living.

I went to my room in tears that night. Knowing fully well that Collins would never allow me to attend the pageant, I held onto a tiny piece. One small piece of the poster he’d snatched away from my hand. From my room, I watch him burn the tip of his cigarettes, burning away the night until drawing him into the depth of his own thoughts and imaginations.
And that night, I couldn’t even sleep. It felt as if my happiness vanished. My dream was being killed. And once again; today, I miss my parents even more.

***

I woke up glancing at one of my limited possessions, an alarm clock. It read 5:30 a.m. My time to get up. After getting out of bed, I left my room to do my daily chores. I kept my room clean, so cleaning here was not of importance at the moment. I fed the geese and pigeons in the backyard. There were about twelve of them, but it was still ours.

Collins have them just in case he felt like eating fresh meat. Well, feeding them rice or millet usually takes a while. After that I do the laundry by washing and pressing his dirty clothes. He sometimes unconsciously peed on from excessive drinking. I clean the rooms, dusted and wiped down the appliances. As small as his house might seem, I do the cleaning every day, which sometimes feels hectic.

Moving to the kitchen, I prepared breakfast for Collins, Northie and I. I swiftly prepared bacon, cheese and egg while serving Northie a little out of the larger portion from my plate. Looking at the clock, it read 7:02 a.m. I was already late! I briskly rushed to the bathroom to have a shower. Like other kids of my age, I had to prepare for school. The distance between where I live and school is about 40 minutes by trekking and 20 minutes by taking the public bus which I usually follow sometimes. Only if Collins allows, like today.

After making payment for the semester, I was about to get into my class when someone snatched it away. I looked at the person and two weird looking guys were beside him. It was Noah Coleman and his agents, Adam and Zayn.

“Hi, Noah.” I shivered to with my back glued to the lockers. I faked to smile, but his stern frown made me think twice. “Good morning.”

“Shut the fuck off, pet! Gimme what you got!”

I deepened my hand into my pocket and handed him some cash. It was just two dollar notes.

“And what’s in your bag?”

“My lunch.” I swallowed on my throat that suddenly went dry.

He moved closer, staring fiercely into my eyes, as he was demanding, even without words. I stared blankly at the boys behind him. They just snickered as if I was a clown making a joke or something.

I took off my bag and handed him my lunch, wrapped in a brown takeaway bag.

“I think you forgot something.” He pointed to the bar of chocolate bar I’d save for a while now.

“But what would I eat?”

“Give me that chocolate!” He warned, waking a step closer and breathing on my face. “Or else I’ll break your teeth.”

Slowly. Reluctantly, I took out the chocolate bar and handed it over. He jolted it off my hands and tore it up at once, stuffing it into his wife's mouth. All at once.

Noah rolled his eyes at me like a disgusting slug before walking away.

Miss Evelyn Nelson, a tiny Irish woman with a slim body and red hair, wrote Reproduction on the board.

“Settle down, class!” Miss Evelyn warned. “Settle down kids.”
Noah banged the closed door open and entered. He walked in with pride, watching Miss Evelyn as if it’s his first time seeing her.

“Nice to see you, Noah. Please, take a seat.” She said to him nicely and continued.

Noah walked over and sat close to me, with his green eyes focused on the desk. I tried to look away, but my eyes caught Amber Feldman. Another school bitch I’ve been avoiding for a while now. She and Noah are actually an item but, they never get along so easily.

“What is reproduction?”

The class went totally silent. She looked at a body in a rough, wrinkled white shirt sitting in the class's corner. “Yes, Josh!”

His attention drew to her as she called his name, but he just rolled his eyes at her, sluggishly.

“Okay, so... Reproduction refers to the production of offspring by organized bodies. They produce the offspring as a new individual organism from the parent.” She explained. “It is one of the fundamental attributes of a living thing. Reproduction is a demonstration of the ability of an organism to produce a new organism referred to as offspring. There are two forms of reproduction. These are sexual and asexual reproduction. Sexual reproduction is a mode of reproduction involving the fusion of female gamete (ovum) and male gamete spermatozoon). This leads to the formation of a zygote that potentially develops into genetically distinct offspring. It usually entails processes such as meiosis and fertilization”

Scrabbling down her words into my notes, Noah brought out his pen from his side pocket. He brought out his nail clippers, taking out a knife shaped part of it and scribbling desk. I watched him awkwardly as the scratch made a distortion to what Miss Evelyn was teaching. I stopped jotting.

“And what are you doing here?” He raised an eyebrow at me with a frank face.

“You’re.. you are kind of disturbing me.” I stammered, using my hair to cover my face so he won’t see me properly. And I won’t see him too.

“You aren’t meant to seat with me, tiny! You know that, right?”

My eyes fell back at Amber. She had purple dyed hair and double piercing on her ears and nose. Without even looking, she raised her middle fingers are me. I just looked forward to Miss Evelyn, struggling to understand the last part of the lesson.

After Classes, I walked to the toilet to pee. Just then, I saw Amber, sitting in the closet in the toilet with the door wide open. Dumbfounded, she rolled up something into a sheet of paper as I watched. Then she brought out a lighter from her bag to light it up.

“What are you looking at, idiot?” She hissed at me.

Just then, I noticed, I’d been watching her for a while. I got into the toilet to pee while I left Amber smoking in the closet.
‘Only God knows who our parents are.’ I hissed at myself mentally. Girls like Amber Feldman end up being the school management and influencing the good kids in school. I don’t want to get influenced... I just want to get out of her way.

Thinking about Amber as I walked home, a stone hit me from behind. I turned back to Noah and his bunch of friends snickering at me.

“Bye there, wanker!”

I felt so embarrassed, I just had to run away, which made then chuckled even louder. I walked home instead of taking the bus. I hated myself so much. School is worse than home for me. I still have a little privacy and comfort at home.