By: Hortensia

Based on MV "In Heaven" of JYJ

It's been a year since the day I lost you. At 3:15 P.M this day, a year ago, what was I doing? Oh, I remember. I was in the middle of a stupid meeting, presenting the project that I supposed to be the most important project of my career. And what were you doing? You were trying to reach me on the phone. I saw your number, I saw your face popped up on the screen but I didn't pick up. I was in the middle of the most important presentation of my career. And then what happened? Oh, I remember. They said that she was crossing the road, too focused on the phone that she didn't see a truck coming. 3:15 P.M, August the 20th, I lost my most precious one.

The day after her funeral, I woke up at noon and realized that there would be no one to wake me up every morning, no more pancakes with a whipped cream heart waiting for me on the counter, no more fresh roses on the top of the fridge...She was really gone. I tried to get back to my routine but my daily life all of a sudden seemed so lost. The bed seemed wider than usual, flowers suddenly lost their beauty, and the sunlight was no longer bright and cheerful like before. The life of this place seemed to follow her and lost. This house and I, we started withering after she was gone.

Today, August the 20th, a year after her death, I go to visit her. Can you see from up there? Can you see the grass that has grown on your grave? It's so strong and beautiful like you. You know what? Since that day a year ago, I've always wondered: how could you stand me for so long? I was a terrible person. I never showed up on time on our dates, never remembered our anniversaries, I didn't even remember your birthday and I forgot our date and left you waiting at the restaurant all night. All I thought about was work, work and work. How could you stand a horrible boyfriend like me? Tell me. Please, come back and tell me.

I kiss her gravestone one last time before I leave. It's cold, cold like the way I treated her. It was my entire fault that I lost her. If I could just go back in time...Now, she's gone and I'm standing here, with a broken heart, regretting the things that I did not do. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

I drop by the convenient store near my house to buy a pack of cigarettes. She used to nag me about quitting smoking but since she's no longer by my side, I guess it's ok for me to treat myself. There's a strange thing about this store. Every time I walk into it, there's always a little boy about seven years old, standing by the cash desk, staring at the lollipops on the counter. The store assistant doesn't seem to mind him very much, but there's something about this boy makes me feel really weird. I wonder where his mom goes that he is always standing there, staring at the lollipops alone. I guess that weird feeling is just sympathy since he always looks so lonely. I take a lollipop off the counter and give it to the boy. He takes it from my hand and gives me a surprised look with his pure blue eyes. I smile, pat his head and pay for my cigarettes as well as the candy. He must be feeling very happy now.

I walk out of the store, sit on the front of my car and light up a cigarette. The sky is clear tonight. I can see the moon staring right at me sympathetically. Yeah, I know I'm pitiful; I deserve to be lonely like this. I was the one who was so confident that she would always be there so I didn't care much about her. And when she left me, loneliness came and embraced me like an old friend. But I guess you're not so different from me, Moon. You are also lonely like me. Look at the way you stand at the centre of the sky, receiving light from the Sun without giving back anything. See? You're just like me. You receive but you don't give back, and when the light from the Sun is lost, you will miserably disappear. The stars still shine with their own lights, but you, only you will be invisible. I wonder if she's walking between the stars right now, telling them how pitiful you and I are.

"Mister," Some one calls me.

I lower my head to find the little boy from before is standing right next to me with the lollipop half-eaten in his hand. Does every kid have a voice like that? That voice is so soft, pure like spring water's sound. The voice gives me the feeling that I'm listening to a heavenly piece of music, an angel's voice. I guess every kid has a voice like that since I don't have much experience with kids. Thinking that the kid finds me to thank me for the candy, I smile:

"Oh, hi. Are you enjoying your candy?"

Instead of thanking me like I think, the boy suddenly asks:

"What do you want to do the most, before you die?"

It is really weird for a boy this age to ask an adult this kind of questions. But somehow I find myself thinking about it very seriously. I look up to the sky, the moon is still standing there, staring at me with its lonely look.

"I...want to give back what she had given me. If I could, I just want to love her one more time," It is so stupid to answer a kid this sincerely. I laugh at myself and lower my head, "Kid, why would you want to..."

But the boy isn't there anymore. Did his mom come to get him? Did he see an adorable little girl and run after her? I have no idea. It's like he just vanishes into thin air.

I go back to my empty house. I'm so tired that I don't even bother to turn on the lights or to change my clothes. Too tired to take a shower or to get a supper, I walk straight to my bedroom and sink myself into bed. Why am I so tired? I don't know and I'm too tired to think about that matter. I need to get some sleep and again, I'm going to have a boring tomorrow.

"Beep...beep...beep..." I hate the sound of my alarm clock! Still half-asleep, I sluggishly raise my hand to reach for that stupid clock. Why is it so far away? I try to reach it but it is no where to be found by my hand. The beep sound suddenly attacks my ear. It screams and yells with its high-pitched voice and the metal skin of the clock suddenly touches my neck, gives me a chill that I jump out of my bed immediately. What's going on? Has some one broken into my house to play a prank on me?

"Slacker! It's time to wake up now!"

A voice touches my ears so softly, the voice that I think I would never get to hear again in my life. A moment, a second, a minute passes by and I'm standing here, looking at her, not believing in my own eyes. She is here. She is looking at me. Her lovely smile is shining in the sunlight, her cheerful brown eyes staring directly at me with a question:

"Are you ok? You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"You...you are..." Alive?

This can't be happening. She was dead a year ago, I just kissed her gravestone yesterday. Am I dreaming? Or worse, am I dead? Did I just catch a cold last night and pass away? Are we both in heaven? Why is she standing there and staring at me? What's happening?

"I'm what?" She asks, and then she doesn't even wait to hear my answer, she says, "Your pancakes are on the counter, get dressed and come down quickly, ok?"

Then she walks out of the door and goes downstairs, leaves me standing and wondering: Am I crazy? I must be crazy, this is just my imagination. This must be because I miss her too much so I get an illusion. It's definitely it!

I slap my face just to find out whether I'm dreaming or not. It hurts, I'm not dreaming, but there must be something wrong. Some one doesn't simply die and then come back from the graveyard like nothing has happened. Wait! That alarm clock, I threw it away months ago because it was broken, why is it here right now? Where's my phone? I look under the pillows and find my phone laying there. But it is not my phone. I mean it's not the phone that I use in the present. It's the phone that I had a long time ago. I turn it on, when the screen is turned on, the date appears immediately: March 20th of last year, exactly five months before the accident. So this is not a dream. I...I've gone back in time! I've been given a second chance to fix things right!

I run as fast as I can to the kitchen. She is sitting at the bar, drinking coffee and cutting some roses to put in the vase. This is real. This is happening! She is there, right in front of my eyes, and this time, I will not lose her. I will not lose her again. I run to her and hug her so tight because I'm scared that she will slip off my arms and vanish. The scent of lavender on her hair, the warmth of her body, the cool skin that is against my skin right now, they are all real. She is here and she is mine, again.

Yes, this is the way my life used to be, happy and loved. It's been so long since the last time I tasted her pancakes. It's been so long since the last time I saw those roses on the top of the fridge, smiling so beautifully. It's been so long since the last time I saw the sunlight dancing so lively on the counter. I will do everything to keep my life this way forever, she will be forever by my side, we will be happy ever after.

I go to work and it is exactly how it was the way I remember it. I haven't been promoted yet but so what? Does it matter anymore? No, because I have her now, it doesn't matter anymore. I spend the whole day planning what we are going to do for a date this weekend, what I am going to do to make up for the times that I forgot our dates, what I am going to do to show her my love... And I realize that there are so many important things that I took for granted. But this time, I will love her with everything I have.

April the 20th, today is her birthday. How many flower shops I've gone to today, I don't remember, but all that matters is I've gathered 9999 roses for her. The roses cover the front porch, the living room and our bedroom. I even make a rose path from the door to the end of the living room for her to step on. I spend almost three hours to make a perfect cake for her and in my opinion, it is the most wonderful cake ever. I have prepared everything. When she walks into the house and turns on the light, she will see me standing at the end of the rose path. I will be standing right here, with a guitar in hands and sing for her the Happy Birthday song. And finally, I will get to see her happy smile.

May the 20th, I have to stay at work and work over night. She must feel very lonely without me at home. I wonder what she's doing right now. She's probably boiling water to make some instant noodles. It is not healthy at all, she must treasure her body more. This is not good! I have to call her. I have to hear her voice and tell her to get a proper supper. Should I go home and cook for her? But what about work? I'll work at home then. I pack my stuff and leave. She is more important than anything on this Earth now. I'm so worried whenever she's not around me.

June the 20th, today is an important day. I dress in my finest suit, make sure everything is ready, and then I go to the restaurant. She doesn't know about the reason for our date today. It's better to keep it a secret. But I'm nervous. What if she refuses? What if she says that I'm not good enough for her? But I've decided. No matter what happens, what will happen in the future, I will commit myself to her. I will love her, will laugh with her, cry with her, I will go by her side to the end of the world. There she is, sitting at our table and waiting for me. She's early as always. I stand outside for a minute to watch her. I love how the expressions on her face change from time to time. She seems very excited at first. Occasionally, she takes out her little mirror to check if her foundation has faded. She always wants to be perfectly beautiful when we're on a date. And then she seems to worry. She checks her phone every five seconds to see if I've called or left a message. She even asks the waiter if I have called to cancel the date. Oh, my worrisome woman! When I walk in, she seems to be amazed at first and then quickly, she puts on her sulky face. I love her sulky face, it's so adorable. And then, my moment comes. When all the lights of the restaurant go off, a fabulous cake comes out in candle lights and the band puts on the song "Unchained Melody", I come to her, kneel on one knee, hold the ring high and ask:

"Will you marry me?"

I am so nervous that my heart races like crazy in my chest. I hold my breath and wait for her answer. That second seems like the whole century has passed, and if she refuses, I will kneel here, forever. She looks at me with amazement in her eyes. I wish I could read her mind right now. Her tears start to drop on my hand. They're plenty and warm, it's like she's been holding them in for a long, long time. She jumps out of her chair, hugs me so tightly that I can feel her heart beating against my heart. She doesn't need to say it because I have already known her answer:

"Yes, of course."

July, the 20th, we're going shopping for our new home. I love watching her excitement when she sees something she likes, which is everything that gets in her sight. She is so energetic whenever we're in a mall, which is not very surprising because she's woman. I walk very slowly because I'm busy receiving a call from my boss. My work has not been very well-done lately since I spend too much time being with my woman. But it doesn't matter, he can complain as much as he wants, the most important thing to me now is her happy smiling face. When I'm about to catch up with her, a soft, pure voice comes to my ear:

"Hello."

I turn around and find the little boy from before sitting on an arm chair near by, staring me with those angelic blue eyes. He wears a white suit with white shoes and a white hat on his head. His look gives me the idea that this is not human beauty and everything that has happened lately gives me the idea that this kid is not a human being. Before I could open my mouth, he says, so suddenly like always:

"It's good to see that you're happy. Your girlfriend looks happy, too. But please cherish these precious moments."

"Uh...What do you mean by that?" I'm scared that he's going to say the thing that I'm thinking about. And unconsciously, I raise my head, looking for her among the people in the mall.

"Even though time has gone back in the past, the future is not going to change. It is Fate. Don't forget that."

But there has to be way to change it. I turn around and once again, the boy vanishes into thin air. Does it mean...she still has to die? And I have to go back to my lonely world, withering day by day?

August, the 19th, it is midnight and I cannot sleep. I'm afraid of tomorrow. For the past months, I have tried my best to keep her safe; I have tried my best to keep the smile shining on her face. One more day and I will lose her again? No, I can't let that happen. I walk outside and look up to the sky. The moon isn't here today. Are you trying to show me my lonely future, Moon? With no love, no happiness. Look at the stars around you. They all shine together, why is that? Why are you the only one that is invisible right now? Am I going to be like you after tomorrow? I can't stand the thought of it. I can't stand the life without her.

August, the 20th, 2:30 P.M, she's at home and cleaning. The presentation is in 30 minutes, I cannot leave work now. But knowing she's safe at home is enough, right?

2:45 P.M, I call her again, she's still cleaning in the kitchen. She tells me that she just broke the flower vase but she didn't get hurt. What a relief! She will be safe there until I get home, right?

2:58 P.M, she's not picking up the phone? Why isn't she picking the phone? May be she's in the bathroom? I call again, she's still not picking up the phone and I start to panic. What did she say earlier? The flower vase was broken. The flowers! She's probably going outside to buy a new vase. No! I told her to stay at home. Why isn't she listening to me? The presentation starts in one minute. My big bosses are all here. If I let them down this time, I'll probably get fired. But she's in danger. She's about to die in 15 minutes. I can find another job, but I cannot find another her. Before I realize it, my legs start to run with their fastest speed. I cannot lose her this time. That thought keeps me running. I remember the place where the accident happens, it's a little far away but I don't even have enough time to go and get my car. I keep my legs running and pray. Please God, let me...let me save her. No, don't let her...don't let me be alone again. Please don't leave me alone!

And, I see her. She's waiting for the green light on the other side of the road. She's wearing the same white dress that she wore on the day she died, her headphones are covering her ears. I call her name, but she can't hear me. Please, hear me, don't cross the road. I beg you!

And, she sees me. Her face brightens with a beautiful smile. Forgetting about the red light, she runs toward me. Not very far away, that truck is coming. No, not this time, not like this!

3:15 P.M, I don't care that my legs are numb, I run as fast as I can to her. I grab her body, put her head against my chest. Again, I get to feel the that warmth, feel that softness of her hair in my hand, the scent of lavender fills my lungs and one last time, I feel her heart beating against my heart.

3:15 P.M, August the 20th, the last time I whisper in her ear:

"I love you."