Bit of a part 2 to the last one! I'm pretty sure I'll be done w/ rambles after this hdjdhdhd

I'm the most positive one of my friends about how hard next year will be. I've prolly mentioned that but I figure it's at least a little hard to believe. However, I really can't seem to shake that sliver of hope that we'll honestly have a good time and do well and gain experiences which will actually be helpful in life

But I still feel/felt so hopeless about next year. The end of the trip I just got back from kept seeming like it was the end of everything. Not fun

While I was there though,, I had a really, really stupid epiphany

Any of y'all remember Magnus Chase

I've been a Percy Jackson fan forever [fAkE mYtHoLoGy FaN] and honestly still am,, it's stupid and dumb but I fuckin love pjo/hoo, and kane chronicles!!!!

However, I'd never found an opportunity to read Magnus Chase, so I did that this summer

Read the first one spread out over some library volunteering and brought the last two on the trip, second one was amazing and I loved it,, but the third one

Shortly before I finished it, I happened to glance at the back and see a bit of the review that praised the climax and holy FUCK

it's so stupid if you've read it you understand why I'm embarrassed for getting so excited but god. It made me so happy. These characters mean more to me than I ever expected. And it was so perfect and it made me realize how much I love having friends these days

Yes that was in fact pathetic that's my brand!! But as someone who had pretty much no real friends from 4th-8th grade [middle school especially] having friends is both a new experience I'm very bad at and an invaluable gift I'll treasure for forever

Like,, I'll message an online friend some gushy message about how much iltsm heart emojis and then feel bad bc they clearly must loathe my presence [if I joke about it I don't believe it if I joke about it I don't believe it if I fuck I believe it] and I never know how to stand or talk with anyone but with friends it,, is a little easier, but the whole time my anxiety tells me they despise me too and are only my friends because they're nice people who pity me and ughh god

But despite it all, no matter what,, god do I love my friends. They're so kind and funny and talented and I love hanging out with them. I want to be spontaneous and invite them to some weird place in the middle of the night, and not die of course, and go hang out after school and cry secrets into each other's shoulders and hug. Embrace for so long. I don't rlly love hugs from family, they're okay, but from friends or a potential so, that's all I want from life, man. I want to give advice, bottle up my emotions so much that when they come spilling out, I deserve the help they give me. Maybe not all of that is good but I'm working on it. Physical contact, whether it's platonic hugs or,, swoons,, romantic,,,, is so appealing to me and I don't know why, it never used to be but now it's all I want

It is weird to not be able to tell my fiends about my sexuality crisis or to be able to tell if they Know something's up but with how much I overshare, they probably know most everything else about me. Poor them. I want to know more about them, have that friend connection where you're practically psychic with each other. God. We can have so much fun together!! And like the hypocritical introvert I am all that goes out the window when I try to actually make plans but it's worth it when I make myself

Friendship has never been this important to me

And that's my motivation

I will manage to make it through this year. Because I'm fucking sixteen. I'm a junior. I'm going to pass IB and I'm going to help my friends pass IB and, most importantly, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN AND NOT BE DEPRESSED EVERY SECOND DAMNIT. You hear that fate? Fuck you. I'm gon try my hardest to do this no matter the odds

I feel a little more in control these days. I don't need to make this project happen yet. I'm back to working out and I'm so happy, same for counting calories again. I had some great experiences in Europe. I miss cute person, but I still have the memory of them to get all flustered over

I can do this