Mom came and got me.

She didn't say anything to me when she walked into the school's office. But she did look at me for awhile; the look said something along the lines of: what happened?

I shook my head and put my face in my hands.

As Principal Benjamin explained what happened, even at times wanting to describe me as the one who was trying to provoke the fight, I didn't say anything or react at all.

I was going to be suspended from school for a week and a half. Some would look at my suspension like vacation.

I looked at my suspension like...

I didn't know how I looked at my suspension.

Mom started speaking, "He hasn't told me of any problems he may've been having in school...and you're telling me someone may have to tutor him in Algebra?"

Principal Benjamin laughed and looked at me. "Joey, your grades have been slipping. And not only are you in trouble for fighting and beating the tar out of Mr Matthews. But you have continuously ditched school. What do you have to say for yourself?"

I could only glare at Principal Benjamin.

There was nothing I could say to convince. Afterall, he was nothing but narcissistic, unfair, and perhaps even suffered from some type of mental illness. No joke.

Mom put her hand on my arm, and gave me a reassuring look
And then did she turn her attention back to the principal of Warner High.

"But back to speaking about the fight," Mom said. "What if he was provoked?"

"That can't possibly be..."

"Why not? Did you even witness the fight?"

Principal Benjamin got red in the face, and pointed an accusatory finger at her. "Your son bloodied up the face of that boy, and he might very well need stiches! So don't question me!"

Mom didn't looked affected. She gave Principal Benjamin a curt nod, and looked at me. "C'mon Joey."

"Mr Matthew's parents might press charges."

♢

"Mom, I'm sorry."

She didn't say anything. She kept her focus on the pavement ahead.

There was silence.

There had only been silence during the drive home.

Even though Mom hadn't said one word to express how she felt about me getting in a fight, and in trouble, and Principal Benjamin yelling in her face and everything....I could read her face very well.

Her lips were set in a thin line, and her eyes were dull and showed signs of disappointment.

I could only stare out the window.

Sure of the fact that not living was a much better option then.

♢

I opened my bedroom window, and looked out and thought I was pretty sure going to have a pretty easy landing.

Despite my house being a one-story, it was still put on a pretty thick foundation.

"Grounded for a month, my ass" I mumbled as I got right on the window sill and jumped right off of it.

I let out a little yelp, but regardless, it was smooth landing. I grabbed the jacket that I'd tossed out before jumping, and put it on because the chilly breeze was enough to let me know winter was on its way, or had already been.

It was 6 o'clock, and like the sky was any time of the year--it was pretty dark.

I walked down the street and kept walking until, I'd seen the park come into view.

When I got to the bench, Aisling was sitting there on the bench and she looked to be in deep thought.

She was staring into space, and unlike Mom, her face was hard to read at the moment.

"Aisling?" I said walking closer to the bench.

She turned around and smiled when she saw that it was me. She wiped her face...it appeared she'd been crying.

"Hey Joey," she said quietly, "I thought you wouldn't be showing up again."

I sat down next to her on the bench.

"Were you crying?" I asked, instead of answering the question.

She shook her head. "It doesn't matter."

"Yeah, it does."

She sighed, and stared down at her lap. She messed with the ends of her scarf. "I've just been bothered by some things lately, is all."

I nodded, because I hadn't exactly been content for the past couple days either. If all, like I always think, I could be losing it.

"By what exactly?" I then said.

"School..." She looked at me. "There's this one guy who keeps messing with me....I think he has it out for me and I don't know why." As soon as she finished saying that a tear drop fell from Her eye.

I frowned, and ran my fingers through my hair. And just like earlier, I tightened and untightened my hands into fist. I looked at her and asked, "When you say you think he has it out for you, what do you mean?"

Here I was sounding like my therapist.

Aisling shook her head and shrugged. "I don't know. Today he said I looked fat, and I don't know...am I fat?"

"No...I mean, my aunt's Chihuahua is fat. But you're far from it."

She laughed a little.

"I'm serious...how long has this guy been bullying you?"

"I don't know. He started messing with me one day all of a sudden."

"The guy is a douche. Maybe, I could come to school with you, and beat his ass. I've already had to do it to someone today."

Aisling eyes widened. "What?"

I flushed and shrugged. "Uh, nothing. I just got in a little scuffle with somebody at school today."

"Who'd you get in a fight with?"

"Mike-- this one guy I used to be friends with."

She let out a small gasp and pointed at me. "You guys aren't friends anymore? But you guys always hung out..."

Did I ever tell Aisling about Mike? Had I mentioned Mike before, ever?

I didn't know.

"Joey," Aisling then said quietly, "Cutting isn't the only thing I did- do."

I touched her hand. "Aisling, what is it?"

She closed her eyes and opened them. "I cut, but I- I, sorry..."

She was quiet for a bit before continuing to speak. "I attempted to commit suicide once."

I did show a look of surprise; big eyes, and an audible gasp escaping my lips.

"I tried drowning myself in the bathtub, but I couldn't do it...I was so freaking scared."

"Does your Dad or step Mom know this?"

She was starting to cry again. "That's the thing. They don't know anything. It's all about them..."

I had her lean her head on my shoulder and rubbed my hand up and down her arm.

"Aisling," I said steadily, trying not to get emotional.

It was hard.

"Please hold on. I- I know it's hard...but I'm here. And the bullies...fuck them."

She looked at me, and for a second I saw a look of confusion come over her face, but it soon shifted to one of melancholiness, as though she were trying to hold something in.

♢

When Mom walked into the room, she cried once she saw me. In the hospital bed, with a feeding tube.

Mom cried some time before too, I was pretty sure of it, when she found out her son was anorexic and abusing drugs.

She could've been saying to the doctor over again, "I never thought...I never thought....I never would've...I never would've guessed..."

Did Mom blame herself for her obliviousness and ignorance?

She knew how hard Dad had been pushing me.

"When will this all be over?" I asked the doctor. "When will it all be over?"

♢

"One time my dad hit me so hard, I practically flew into the wall."

Aisling wrapped her arms around me, and mumbled into my shoulder, "You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to. I understand."

"It's okay."

I was pretty sure this tired and worn out face expression came over my face. I rubbed my face, and looked at Aisling who gave me the warmest smile possible.

I smiled back before speaking again. "His abuse had two effects on me. One effect was, I tried harder with my wrestling. The second effect, was well I became destructive, self centered, and an asshole."

"Did your Mom do anything about this? Or your brother? Did they see all the signs?"

"The question should be when they started to."

♢

"Dude, what the hell happened to your back?"

Aaron asked me this when he walked into the bathroom without knocking.

I'd been looking at my back trying to fathom what I did to make Dad so angry.

I put back on my t-shirt and shrug. "Me and the guys were fighting around and shit, I lost one of the fights."

"Are you sure just one?"

I didn't say anything.

Aaron looked at me for a long time. But after awhile he finally got what he needed (whatever it had been).

♢

Dad had gone to work, and for some stupid-ass reason he decided to push me against the wall, scream in my face, and tell me "going up against Daniel Neighbors isn't good enough!"

He punched me in the stomach, and I didnt know whether or not the pain would ever go away.

I was in my room now, and I wanted to be left alone.

But Mom had to come into my room.

She went on and on about her and Dad's anniversary, then did she start to ask how my day was.

She wanted me to go into specifics, like any woman did.

But I didn't have the energy to do so.

"Mom, can you please leave?" I asked as calm as I could.

"Joey, what is the matter?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Then why do you sound frustrated, and angry?"

"Because I just do...Now leave!"

"..."

♢

"I think after I got checked in for help," I was telling Aisling, "That's when everything came full circle."

"But how could your Mom and brother not possibly know your father was beating on you and hitting you?"

"Maybe because I didn't want them to know."

"Why?"

"Maybe I didn't want him to go beating on Mom, or maybe because my dad was the only one I tried so hard to impress. I wanted to live up to his expectations. But after awhile it got so fucking hard and...sorry, wait." I stopped speaking for a minute because I was starting to cry.

Aisling hugged me tighter, and rubbed my back. "Joey, you know what? You're a strong person."

I didn't say anything.

"Because you're still able to live, despite all the hell you've been through."

"It still hurts," I whispered. "All of it does."

"Things still hurt for me too."

♢

It was really dark then. And Aisling and I were parting ways, until I thought to ask her something.

"Aisling, where do you live?"

She smiled kind of sadly, but she pointed somewhere.

My eyes followed where her finger was pointing.

"Okay, got it. See ya tomorrow Aisling."

"Joey?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you promise me something?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Will you promise that you won't give up on living, ever?"

"Why do you want me to make that promise?"

"Please?"

"Aisling, I promise."