******019:

Laura didn't cook on Sunday. She made some stuff up in advance or else we were free to cook for ourselves, and both of us were completely capable. When we got home we changed and fixed PBJ's. That's food right?

Fred and his new girlfriend, Sandy stopped by. It was the first time we'd seen Rafe's dad since the funeral, and Rafe was a little cool to him, as his reaction to their mother's death had been less than comforting. Sandy was understandably reticent, not offering any real conversation, and even less personal information, so we had nothing to know her by. They left relatively soon and Rafe took the kids out on the beach to hunt for shells and star- fish. I took a nap.

Until, of course, Ben called.

"Missed you at church." I told him sincerely, propping myself up on our new downstairs bed, with my tablet in my lap while we talked.

"Yeah, about that." His voice had dropped an octave. "I think-- I think I'm taking an interim break."

"A what?" My heart did actually clench. I hated to see him throw all his hard work away. And make no mistake these guys had worked pretty hard to get themselves and their thoughts and faith right in their heads. It had been a pretty big adjustment.

"I need a break, Au-ber-rey."

"Okay?"

"You don't understand what it's like. I was this happy go-lucky, carefree, lad, running around with the girls, indulging in whatever concoction I felt like, my life consisted of partying and jamming, videos, and concerts, travel and interviews. We got back active in church and all that is going away. For whatever reason, the contrast is too stark for me. I miss my life. It's like my life is gone."

"Your life isn't gone, Ben, it's just changed in meaning and purpose." I said slowly, trying not to infuse it with anything even remotely judgmental. I honestly don't want that to come between us. I want him to know and feel that I care for him whether he is active in church or not.

"Well, Au-ber-ey, I may not see it your way exactly. My life had meaning before, and my life has always had purpose to me. I'm just suffering in the relationship department, but it's going to be okay. No matchmaking!" Now he laughed and I was reminded that my matchmaking skills were quite inadequate.

"If I can't be the matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match.... Then what am I going to do with my non-neonatologist life? I'm the one that has had to change the most here!" I joked.

"Oh, whatever. You're making a career change, that's all, not a lifestyle overhaul." His voice was amused. "Listen, if I could find a girl like you, strong in the church, but not so judgy, I'd take her in a heartbeat." Now his tone turned sad. "But I have a long way to go till I am worthy of such a girl."

Now that annoyed me. "Why do you say that? That one chick said you weren't worthy, she's an idiot. Trust me, you are amazing. You have everything a girl could possibly want. You're smart, and funny, and very handsome, and talented, you're deep--- you've got intellect, and faith, that's a good combination."

"I've got far too many faults, as well. Things that normal girls don't want to have to deal with."

"Name one." I challenged, ready to do battle with his demons if need be.

"Drugs and alcohol."

"You don't take drugs and/ or drink alcohol. Are you telling me this is a hard change for you? You don't seem like you're struggling with it." Although the other night at the campout, I had noticed him possibly drinking. Others were, maybe it was easy to slip back into old habits.

He snorted in disbelief. "You're so naive. You see only what you want to see. Rafe knows I have issues." He didn't exactly say this fondly, or with sweet acceptance, but I trended toward acerbic. I bit my lips to the side.

"I am naïve." I agreed. "I know it. No matter what I will always be naïve. It's the way I was raised. Very sheltered. But I'm not ashamed of it. And you shouldn't be ashamed of your views and life choices either. They made you who you are today. Ask Rafe, he embraces his life to date, doesn't apologize for it in any way. Value your experiences, Ben, they define you."

He sighed on the other end of the line. "I guess you two really believe that shit. But the rest of the Mormon church doesn't. The girls I've met are very judgmental, and only looking for a guy without a past at all."

"I find it hard to believe that you've exhausted all your choices."

"Well, I agree, but it's hard to find a Mormon gal that likes porn as much as I do, or wants to jack off to that porn, or wants to have sex as much as I do, hell they won't even talk about it."

"Okay-ay-ay." I felt a little stunned at his unabridged word choices. "You want to talk about porn with your dates? Do other gals you're acquainted with also find that kind of conversation stimulating in a good way?" I was being sarcastic and I knew it. But apparently, he was going for the shock value.

"Oh, hell, no. Aubrey, let's not go here. You'll just have a comeback for each and every objection I have. Suffice it to say I have my disagreements with the church policies and I am going to take a break and figure things out."

"You know, it might be easier to stay active and let the spirit guide you and work in you to help you heal----."

"I said forget it. That's not the kind of healing I want right now. I need to do what's right for me." His voice was exasperated, and I felt that way as well.

My brows rose. "Okay then."

"So, if you need me to take a break from you and Rafe as well...." He let that hang and I choked on my own threatening tears.

"Ben, I love you, no matter what you decide. I will always love you like a cherished little brother. Please believe me. If there's anything either Rafe or I can do to show you how much we care.... Don't hesitate, and you are always welcome in our home, always."

He said goodbye, and I had the distinct impression that it was goodbye for a while and my heart was crushed.

****