034:

"Good enough." Rafe leaped to me, lifted me into his arms and twirled around, lowering his face to mine, his kisses were anywhere but on my lips. A statement that this wasn't about passion or need.... Not that way. He let me slide down his body, kept me enfolded in strong arms. I rubbed his shoulders--- envisioned that achingly lovely artwork--- and simply hung my head.

"What is it, baby?"

"I'm stupid."

"You're not stupid, what's buggin' you?"

"Little things." I sighed, trying to force back the tears.

"Such as?"

"Why am I not strong? Why do I let little things get to me?"

"We all have our strong moments--- and our not so strong moments. I have them every day. You see that--- you see me---- out there, facing the world, building something I may or may not be equipped to handle---- I should be in the studio myself, but I'm off building a studio. I should be rehearsing for something--- being better at what my life career has always been- and instead, I am out there chasing yet another avenue. So don't tell me we all don't have our crazy moments."

"But those aren't little things! Those are big things!"

"What are the little things bugging you? That we didn't make the bed? That we left the smoothie glasses in the sink?"

I was startled. "No, we didn't leave the smoothie glasses...." I looked up into the vast midday sun—the tight shadows under his eyes. I saw he was not serious. I knew we'd washed the smoothie glasses.

He was rubbing my shoulders gently. "Is it Felicity?"

"No, it's me."

"You don't want to.... Be her mom?"

"No! I want to be her mom. She's doing the best she can! She's a good little girl. She's trying really hard."

"But you feel---- trapped?"

I hung my head. "A little. Maybe. No, I don't know. I feel---- directionless. My career is--- nothing. It's nothing. I can't do it justice and be the person I've---- chosen to be--- who you and Felicity need me to be."

"Because of the nature of your career? Or...?"

"Yes! Yes. Being a neonatal surgeon--- there isn't life there. You saw yourself. It's either one or the other. I met you--- I had a weekend. That's it, one little weekend. And then three months of intense medical work. I didn't surface until Angelee died."

He nodded in sympathy.

I blew out my breath and ran my fingers through the front of my hair, holding it back with my right hand as I looked out to the sea. It was hazy, and white and hurt my eyes.

"I can't be a midwife---- I can't even be in private practice. Babies demand time and energy and ---- you have to be there. I can't be both places."

"So----." He blew out his own breath. "How do we get you to feel fulfilled without it? If the two things are mutually exclusive, then you need to feel purposeful and that your goals are meaningful. How?"

"I don't know. I feel like I just wasted thirteen years of my life. If this is what I was meant to do, then why didn't I just start doing it right away? Why go through all that schooling?"

"You know, you learned other things becoming a surgeon. You learned things that will help you be a better mom. You don't have to be out there cutting people, you can be in there." He flung his hand toward our home. "Building the most important thing in your life. Something that only you can build."

I shook my head. "But is it enough?"

He grunt chuckled. "Isn't that the million dollar question."

I looked up. "What do you mean?"

"Isn't that what we all struggle with?"

"I don't know. Do you struggle with knowing if what you're doing is enough? You write million dollar songs and sing them to millions of fans, who pay millions of dollars to hear you sing them, and see you sing them. You help people----." I choked on a sob. "You help people in their careers. I--- I used to--- help people---."

"Aubrey----."

"I used to save lives."

"And you're right. If you have saved one life with your educational sacrifice--- it was worth it."

"But if I stop---- and change direction.... How will I.....?"

"That's up to you. You can let the life that you set out to save be Felicity's, or mine... or even yours. You have the power to believe that what you are setting out to do is meaningful and necessary. But you won't know till you do it."

I pressed my forehead against his chest, hard, feeling the bones beneath my boney head. My head that was aching.

"Is it the day to day? Are you feeling... bored?"

"No."

"Did something happen at ABC?"

"Everybody told me yes, except one told me no. And the one that told me no--- made sense."

Rafe stroked my hair. I loved him for not laughing. I knew I was contradictory, not always making sense.

"I need to stop trying to get the old life to fit into the new one."

He shrugged.

"I need to embrace the new life with as much fervor as the old one."

"Cause weren't you missing something really profound in the old one? Something you longed for more than anything and didn't have and couldn't find?" He tilted my chin up to his.

"Yes." I breathed.

"Tell me. What was it you missed in your old life? What was it you were looking for?"

"You."

He swallowed hard. Maybe he had intended me to say that, or maybe he'd thought I'd say something else.

"It's not an easy road, Aubrey. It can be thankless, not as rewarding initially as your old career. Switching careers can be hard. But in the end, haven't you told me that it will be worth it?"

I nodded. I knew that. I had just had that moment of weakness. Or a building up moment of it....

"I love you. I'm here for you. I've got you. No matter what. I've got you now." His hands were light on my hips.

"Even if I need a pep talk? I'm not as strong all the time as I thought?"

He laughed. "We have to be strong for each other. Those pep talks are everything to me--- and you deliver them unfailingly every day--- to me. You keep me going. You urge me to be the best I can be. I'm just not super confused about what I want."

"And I am?" This was another thing I had not pictured myself being--- confused about who I am.

"Maybe. A little. No. Actually, I think you know what you want. It isn't happening according to your plan---- your little preconceived notion of how the world goes round. You weren't supposed to marry industry as you put it, you weren't supposed to have the miscarriage, and you weren't supposed to adopt an older child with trauma. All that wasn't what you thought life would throw at you. Up till now, everything has been the way you planned it. And now...." He shrugged with a small smile.

I think he nailed it. I think he was absolutely right.

I wiped my tears. My framework was different than I'd planned, but the outcome was absolutely what I'd planned. And I loved, loved, loved him for saying it.

"Crises over?"

I nodded.

"Well, we're not going to waste this moment of free babysitting are we?"

"What?"

He kissed me once, just letting his lips brush mine, they were familiar now, but oh so sweet. He kissed me again, letting his palms stray to cup the base of my head, tilting me to fit to him, and then running that left hand so expertly down my side to grasp me around the waist. "Aubrey, I will be here for you. Don't run away. It's okay. I've got you, okay?"

I nodded, tears filling my eyes again, but this time they were tears of happiness, and understanding. I did feel understood. I wasn't sure where I was going with all this, but it didn't matter yet. I was learning to be his wife--- learning to be her mom. Learning to take life as God planned, and not myself. Letting that chapter go if need be... it was hard. Harder than I'd ever expected.

"Hey, listen to me. If it happens again. It's okay. You got that? It's okay. I will still be here."

"It might take time." I managed.

"Yep." He stroked my face gently. "Aubrey---- thank you, for .... Trusting me, and needing me. This---- is what is making my life worth it right now. You are what was missing from my life before."

I sighed and laughed, and wiped more tears. "Are we still going to the zoo?"

He looked at his watch. "Better get a move on."

We went to my car and got in. Crises averted. It was time to go to the zoo.

*****