038:

I laughed. Seriously--- started laughing.

She had this bemused expression on her face--- why was I laughing? Then behind her, the home study folks came up the stairs. Wow. The audacity. They were just here, walking through our house without us guiding them. How annoying. Is this for real?

I closed the door behind us and picked Felicity up. "Sorry guys, we just finished our morning workout, needed a shower."

The guy looked amused, the woman--- looked like someone had pinched her face and left it that way. Remember when you were a kid and they said if you made dirty faces it would freeze like that? Well, hers did.

I followed them down the hall to Felicity's room. She'd made her bed as best she could, and her clothes were in the hamper. Her room looked pretty good. They stopped in it and stared. The woman seemed unusually interested in the picture of her biological parents. Something about her wasn't right. For a split second my hackles rose up and the hair on my arm stood straight.

"You have her in a full-size twin?"

"It's a twin."

"A whole one?"

"Yeah, why? Is that a problem? She doesn't need anything bigger."

Pinched face wrote something down as Aubrey came out of the bedroom. Her eyes were bright on me--- dead serious--- a hangover reflection of our not so loving love-making. Her body was tense.

"And where are you intending to put the boys? If you get them?" She opened the next bedroom door. There was the frame against the wall for another twin. Nothing else. I noticed that she checked the walls for pictures, she spent an inordinate amount of time looking at other pictures on other walls.

"We're still working on that. As you can see, we are in the process of moving in."

"This frame could fall on them--- it's a danger to your four-year-old." She wrote something down on her clipboard and moved to the bathroom. Felicity's toothbrush was in a glass of water on the sink. Otherwise nothing.

"Your house is not very child-friendly."

"What makes you say that? Because we have a room that is still in progress?" I was annoyed.

"Mr. Stryker, my concern is the welfare and safety of each child in your care." She moved down the hall to the next room and opened the door. Nothing.

"We have five of those up here. Rooms with nothing in them."

"Where do you work Mr. Stryker?" her eyes were bold and interested, and there was something fake--- and not like the former home study people we'd met who were so accepting and ready to reward us for our generosity in taking children into our home. This woman seemed like she was checking us out, and didn't want us to succeed.

"I own a production company." I glanced at Aubrey. We had not yet--- to date—sat down and gone over money like we should have. We'd been too busy with those post-honeymoon shower escapades. And that's honestly the way I liked it. She'd asked me how I managed my money, and I told her I invested, and had an investment manager--- Rocketman. Not because I was trying to be surreptitious, but because it was boring.

"I don't have this on file. My file shows that you are a singer. It doesn't show your annual income."

My eyes lowered into a perplexed frown. I felt my insides heating up to a confrontation. I popped my lips. "I make enough to support these kids. If you need a financial statement, it will be on file with my representative. We went through this recently anyway with Felicity's adoption. You should have that paperwork. In fact--- who did you say you are? I think our lawyer should be here when we do this home study BS."

I turned to Aubrey who was still looking fetchingly alluring—with her red and bruised lips, and her messy hair. She took Felicity quickly, who had stuck her thumb in her mouth at my irritated tone.

Pinched face looked up from writing things down. Her stance was challenging. I texted John Simmons and asked him to call me immediately.

"You didn't have an appointment, did you?"

Dad turned and went back down the stairs. I knew he would be heading out to work. He managed one of my clothing fashion lines as well as his own boutiques. We were working men. We didn't have time to sit around bitching with a social worker.

"We don't need an appointment. The object is to see you and your home and family in a natural state." She literally picked her nose in front of us. Aubrey pushed past to the bathroom and brought her a small pack of tissues. She took it without a word.

"Listen, we had plans today--- pressing plans. I'm really sorry, but you'll have to get an appointment with my lawyer to do these kinds of walk through's." Then I ushered my wife and daughter back down the stairs, gingerly feeling Aubrey's arm muscles for good measure, way more interested in our strange morning trysts, and wondering if we shouldn't just call the whole days' plans off and go back upstairs. This woman was a bitch. Rude and uncouth.

I wanted her out of my home.

"Mr. Stryker, I am not used to being put off. I don't care if you are a singer, or a car wash attendant, we need to do this home study now if you want to be considered in the adoption case in question."

"All this stuff is in your files. I don't know who you are, or who sent you. We barely even put a call in to ABC to let them know we'd be interested. Personally, I think you are a fraud. You haven't shown any credentials, and you don't know my wife, and she knows just about everybody at ABC since she's worked there most of her life. So, I'm asking you nicely to get out, and then I'm calling the police."

She sputtered. But I noticed that her friend, the guy, was trying to snap pics while we weren't looking. I had a really strong feeling that these folks were not who they said they were. What an invasion of privacy. How did they know anything about us? How had they come to the knowledge that we were considering adoption anyway? I needed to beef up security. We couldn't be having strange people waltzing around in here. Dad ought to be briefed on who to let in and who not to. Good grief.

We got to the bottom of the stairs and I blocked the way into the rest of the house. Aubrey took Felicity to the den, and I heard her start some music.

I pointed to the door rudely and then waited while they let themselves out. Then I called Windaur Community Estates security and told them they'd let an un-credentialed, un-appointmented person inside and I was very displeased. They asked for a list of daily appointments, since my remodel had escalated the amount of people inside. I agreed and texted my personal manager Oliver Elliot and told him to make sure security around me and the family was beefed up. Get a list of all workers on the studio, and any who were coming to our homes, ever--- to Windaur security. We'd no longer go anywhere without proper security.

I'd seen the latest online magazine article about myself. I'd just been named the highest paid singer in the music industry this year. That took into account all my current assets. Was that what those frauds were scoping out? They'd asked about employment and income. I think that was exactly what they were doing. I was fairly alarmed. Who had time for this shit?

Aubrey had loaded a beach bag looking thing---maybe it was a day pack, with snacks and a change of clothes and stuff for Felicity.

We made it out to the car, but before we got in, just after she'd checked Felicity's straps, which Felicity could almost do by herself anyway, I grabbed her hips and pulled her back to me.

I kissed her against the door panel of my silver BMW X5---- a luxury SUV I'd bought right before I met her, and never drove. It sat in the second garage and jelled. I drove the Porsche mostly. But today we needed the car seat.

I thought about those things as I kissed her. Random things. Distracted things. The way I'd acted this morning weighed heavily on me.

I noted that someone in a Range Rover had pulled up. I waved. It was security.

I saw Aubrey look over and her shock was palpable. I should have had them change cars. Seriously, what was I thinking? The guy even looked like Tim. Shit. Not the thing.

I turned her chin and kissed her again. "It's not Tim."

"I know." She was annoyed, I kissed her again and again, and ran my hands down her sides.

"This morning was--- interesting."

"It was disrespectful."

"It was way sexy."

She shook her head. "It was insolent."

"It turned you on."

"I get turned on without that."

"I liked it."

"No, you felt bad, and came back and ----."

"Hey, not in front of the kid!"

She kissed me hard, bit my lip, her hands clutched in my t-shirt. I slapped her butt and closed the door after she got in the car. Then I ripped us out of the garage, and waved again to the new security dudes.

Felicity sang along to the radio, which was on a hip hop mixture all in English. She liked it though, and we did too. I was used to listening to a lot more music, being a lot more up to date on new bands. Doing Aubrey in the shower moments weren't conducive to easy listening. I would have to take the time in the car then.

We talked music shop talk all the way there, talked about my TV show's team, and what I needed to do with them each, and how many hours I'd be there, and what time we had to be at Staples Center for the game.

ABCSC had that underground parking that made it nice for security and nice for not being out in the sun. We went inside. I could see she was tense again, but Felicity wanted to go play right away. She remembered this place.

Aubrey went confidently to the right counselor's office and immediately told her about the unprecedented visit from the supposed home study people---- we'd gotten their names and Aubrey handed Judith Adams a card for her to investigate, since it was revealed that our home study was current, and no other paperwork had been requested. The people were really imposters--- somehow they'd found out about our interest in adopting again. That was frightening.

I felt like we'd been given a warning.

Judith was an older woman, maybe late forties, with short, straight dark hair and gold knots in her ears for earrings. She wore a navy blue low cut business suit, and low heels, with a magenta under top. She was of medium build, and her competence elicited an assured feeling as we followed her down the hall toward the children's play area.

"I'll be handling the adoption. There will be one more main interview, very short, and just with me. All your other paperwork was fax'ed over this morning from John Simmons. Your file is impeccable. The boys had a rough night. They've been in foster care for two months--- and haven't seen their mother at all. Virgil is angry--- sullen, and incommunicative, and he keeps hold of Reinaldo pretty securely."

When we got closer to the play rooms Felicity was jumping up and down. "May I go and play?"

She'd said this in perfect English--- I had been coaching her on May I and Can I. I was something of a grammar Nazi.

Judith was startled, having been told Felicity spoke only Spanish. "I thought----."

"She does. She speaks Spanish." I spoke to her in Spanish and told her she could go inside and she handed her mermaid doll to Aubrey. Then she trotted off confidently to the door which she opened and leaned on. Inside, besides the two boys in question, a number of other children were playing on a tubular climb on thing like you might see at McDonald's playland. Felicity went confidently to this toy, taking off her shoes and putting them carefully on the cubby meant for them. Then she disappeared inside.

I looked at the boys.

There was a small table. Very small, a child size card table. It was pink, with Disney Princesses on it. Around it were four small pink folding chairs. Sitting on the one closest to the wall with his back to the wall so he could see the entire play area freely was Virgil. His dark hair fell over his eyes, he wore a heavy orange and blue sweat t-shirt, faded and holey blue jeans and ratty tennis shoes. He looked unkempt, discarded, unavailable. In a crowd, you might overlook him. His expression was wary---waiting.

He was waiting.

Across the table from him in a diaper and long sleeved t-shirt that came to his knees was Reinaldo. Except for how skinny he was there couldn't have been a cuter baby. His brown eyes were the roundest I'd ever seen, his dark hair curled in thin strands, and his fat little cheeks were round and squishy looking. I just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him like a teddy bear. How his cheeks could remain chubby looking when he was so thin otherwise was beyond me. I wanted to throttle his biologicals. Throttle them now.

Reinaldo wanted to go play, but Virgil had hooked his foot under the table and Reinaldo accepted his authority over him and didn't try and get away.

They both watched as Felicity came plummeting down the twirly slide near their feet. She plopped onto the mat with a squeal, and to his credit, Virgil almost got up to go help her. I could see on his face that he was concerned for her. But she managed to right herself and raced off to go again. Reinaldo really wanted to join her. But he didn't make a sound, not after the look his brother gave him.

I glanced at Aubrey, her eyes were acutely fastened on Virgil. She studied him intently, cataloging every feature, every nuance.

Judith gave us a moment. She disappeared and we stood at the one-way glass mirror, staring at the boys and alternately watching Felicity, whose only time happily away from us was in this room.

What would it be like to have these boys live in our home? To go from me by myself, to me and Aubrey---- barely---- to me and Aubrey and Felicity.

Then to a family of five. We might have once thought we had some catching up to do--- but I don't think when we thought that we were serious. Children usually came one at a time--- and definitely started out much smaller. It would be crazy, as crazy as say---- me being back active in church. A year ago at this time I could not have imagined this. Not at all.

A year ago--- I slipped my arm around Aubrey and she leaned against me. "A year ago, me and Troy were riding our motorcycles, jamming around and getting drunk."

Her eyes turned to me. "A year ago, I was finishing my fellowship, and buying into my first practice."

I nodded. "A lifetime ago."

She perused the boys. "I think Reinaldo belongs in a crib---- probably in our room. He needs special food and maybe formula in a bottle. He's still in diapers."

That much was obvious.

She went on clinically. "You can see the rash on the backs of his legs, that's why they haven't got pants on him. His skin is raw." A light switched on in my brain.

"The sunken look to Virgil's cheeks--- that could be malnutrition--- although they said it's been two months since they got taken away. They've been in foster care. I would guess he is being defiant--- and not eating."

I laced my fingers into hers. "Can you handle this?"

"Can you?"

"Oh yeah, I can. It will mean a lot of sacrifice, but we need them. They need us."

"That's not a good enough reason to adopt them." She said tiredly. "Look at them. You can't save them. They are going to have issues. They already have them. And their genetics are going to play a big part in their behavior. They will all three have a tough row to hoe."

"What is a good enough reason to adopt them?" I asked solemnly.

"Nothing less than pure love." She answered honestly.

"Can you love them?"

"I don't know. They aren't loveable at the moment."

"Then we shouldn't adopt them."

"Oh, I didn't say we had to love them. A wise woman told me that love takes time. But we have to love each other so much, and love the Lord so much, that nothing can take that away."

"Oh." I nodded, looking at the boys, understanding what Aubrey was saying. It was going to take a lot more than trying to love them.

Judith came back into the room holding a portfolio and she was followed by Carmel Appleby, Felicity's counselor. They spoke briefly to me and Aubrey, but for the life of me, I wasn't listening. My eyes were glued on Virgil, and I wondered if he could really be my son--- if I really could or did, or wanted to love him.

I glanced at my watch. It was past time to go. I opened the door and called for Felicity. She was just rounding the curve on the slide, and she saw me and burst into frantic sobbing. "We just got here! I want to play!" This was screamed in mostly Spanish. Virgil stood up. He looked protective.

"I'm her dad," I said by way of disclaimer. "She's my daughter," I said this in Spanish, and Virgil saw through the slight deception.

"You're not her dad."

It was true. I was not yet fully her dad. But I was in charge of her. And she would leave with me in less than five minutes. I went to get her shoes. Virgil was there beside me, grabbing for the shoes.

"Little girl, is this your dad?"

I had the shoes, but he had my arm, his grip was cool and firm, his fingers were bony. Felicity had stopped at the bottom of the slide.

"He wants to be my dad." She finally considered. "I don't call him daddy, but I had my papa already."

I didn't realize I was almost holding my breath.

"But do you live with him? Did he 'dopt you?"

Felicity eyed me critically, and in that moment I almost could have sworn we were strangers as she looked at the issue in deep thought. "I sleep at his house. He's Rafe, and he 'dopted me, for sure."

Virgil took his hand off me. His eyes softened. "Are you her 'dopted dad?"

I straightened up, realizing that this pint-sized munchkin was checking me out. His feelings were written plainly all over his face. I wondered if he'd bring it up, or if I should. He stood there, like a deer caught in the headlights. A skinny deer.

"I understand you and your brother are looking for a home, and some parents." I said.

Virgil blinked long and slowly. "Do you have a wife?"

"I do. Aubrey, come in here, will you?" She stepped inside and I saw Virgil's eyes widen, and I knew why---- the first sight of Aubrey is always the most dazzling.

"Hello, Virgil." She moved quickly to the little table and sat on one of the little folding chairs. Reinaldo was looking up at her, not in fear, but as if she were the angel he thought she might be.

I squatted to put Felicity's shoes on her, and Virgil went back to his post and sat down, he looked belligerent and sullen. I wondered what was going on in his head.

"It's harder to find good folks who want to adopt older kids, isn't it?" I said to the room at large. I could see I had Virgil's attention.

"It's hard." He said in Spanish. "It's hard because nobody wants other people's trash."

I saw Aubrey about to hotly defend the kids and trash statement, but I saw through it.

"You're right, nobody wants other people's trash. That's true. But, people who are trash don't deserve to have kids either. Maybe people who want kids should be the ones to have them."

I could see out the open door that Judith was about to come unglued. I was disparaging the boys' mother, and he knew it. I could see he was no dummy. You don't get to this age on the street and not have smarts.

"Do you have other kids?" He asked this without looking at me. I think the hope that someone might want them was too hard to possibly see in my face. He couldn't look and be disappointed.

"I just have Felicity. She's our only child, and we were looking for some more. Felicity wants a brother, don't you Felicity? She actually needs a brother who will protect her."

Virgil's eyes snapped up, and I could see he thought of himself as a good protector.

"How old are you? She doesn't look old enough to be a mom." He meant Aubrey, but he wouldn't look directly at her.

"I'm thirty-seven. And Aubrey is twenty-nine." I told him slowly, not sure if he would know the numbers and their significance. "I waited a long time to start my family."

"Why did you wait?"

"I started a career instead. I had to build it up till I could make a living at it."

"What's a career?"

"It's my job."

"What kind of a job?"

"I sing at concerts, and make albums."

That clearly wasn't in his range of experience. I would guess not if he'd been stuck in a room day and night. Probably very limited.

Felicity had climbed up on my back as I stood she slipped down to straddle my hips. Virgil stared at the display hungrily---- the need for love and hope is so huge in children--- in everybody--- but so honest in children.

"I do want a brother, Rafe. Momma was going to give me a baby brother. I don't know where he is now."

My eyes sought Aubrey's, she'd talked about going to the cemetery and having that lesson, maybe it would be a good lesson for all of them.

"Where is her momma and papa? Why didn't they want her? She's cute."

"They did want me!" Felicity said fiercely. "I am cute. And they wanted me a lot."

I hushed her gently, stroking her hair, and saying um hm and you're right, Lissie. Then I looked at Virgil.

"Being cute doesn't have anything to do with it." I said clearly and distinctly. "Being little doesn't have anything to do with it. Felicity's parents loved her very much, but they died, so somebody else had to take care of her. Me and Aubrey, we love her too, and we want to take care of her."

"Nobody wants to take care of me and Rein."

"What if---- somebody does want to take care of you guys---- now?"

Virgil peeked out from under his sunken eyebrows warily. "Who? You? You like cute little girls, not bad, ugly boys."

Aubrey leaned forward. "I'm actually quite in love with a bad boy. Look at Rafe---- he wasn't always good looking, in fact when he was a kid, he was downright silly looking. But I want him--- because I can see what's inside of him, and what a good person he wants to be. He isn't always good--- still to this day---( and here she inserted an expression to let me know she didn't always approve of my bad boy moments)--- but he tries very hard. And that's all I care about."

I took a deep breath. She'd said the perfect thing. I loved her so much in that second, for being so convincingly wise. She'd put him and me on the same team.

"Would you and Rein consider coming to live at our house?"

"Rein poops his pants."

Aubrey shrugged. "That's why they make wipes and diapers."

"We aren't good. We make too much noise."

"At our house, there is always a lot of noise. We actually like noise. We make it ourselves."

Now he hung his head, there was some other objection he felt he needed to warn us about. "I'm stupid. I can't read."

Aubrey put her hand out. She didn't touch him, but she tapped her fingernails on the plastic covered Princess table. "I know a teacher who can teach anybody how to read. Anybody."

"People don't like us." Virgil said, and his eyes were haunted. Who had made him feel this way? His mother, the other foster parents? Just the fact that he didn't have a home?

"What if we were to hang out, and get to know each other?"

He shook his head. "You'll hate us. You'll leave us. Everyone does."

"I don't hate anybody." I said.

"I can't go to school. Rein needs me, I can't leave him. They tried to make me go to school, but I ran away, and I will always run away."

Aubrey tapped the table softly. "What if I tell you that's fine? We can do school at home and you never have to be separated from Rein?"

His eyes snapped up. Hope etched a clear path from his lips to his eyes, and my heart broke for it. And then as quickly as it had surfaced, the little light went out in the face of experience. "You say that--- but you'll leave us too."

"One time---." Felicity said in Spanish. "One time Rafe and Aubrey went for a walk and Ben stayed with me. But they came back. They won't leave you."

He shook his head. "Whatever." He said in English. He clearly didn't trust us. He had no reason to.

I stood up. "Where are you staying, Virgil?"

"Here. Until they get sick of us."

"Okay. We'll go get the house ready, and come get you guys tomorrow. In the morning, okay?"

"You want to adopt us?"

I smiled as warmly as I knew how. "Yes, Virgil. I want to be your dad. You. You and Rein and Felicity. I want to be your dad."

Felicity took that moment to wrap her little arms around my neck and hug me tight. "You can be my dad." She announced. "Not papa. You can't be my papa, but you can be my dad."

"I've never had a dad." Virgil said.

"You're sad." Felicity squirmed to get down. She trotted over to the side of the table happily, confidently. "Stop being sad, you can come live at our house."

I swallowed painfully, looked at Aubrey wiping her eyes. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't even good. But it was better than anything I'd ever thought of. I didn't even want to leave them now, but I knew we weren't ready. We needed twenty-four hours.

We walked out that door, and I felt my heart breaking. How must he feel even this time, to have another person walk out on him? Judith was standing there. Her eyes were moist. She put her arm around Aubrey. "That is one troubled little boy, and you sir---- that was most unconventional, but I think it worked. He hasn't spoken so much to any of us. You've got your work cut out for you."

"I've got to work, or I'd stay and get everything finalized and take them home right now." I said, and Judith nodded.

"There are still some papers to finish filling out. Our house attorney, Kylie Richards is in today, and she can prepare all the necessary papers."

We ushered ourselves out to the SUV, strapped Felicity in as she begged to know why her brothers weren't coming with us. My head was still spinning and I couldn't answer her.

"This is very emotional, isn't it?" Aubrey asked as we pulled out onto Beach Boulevard and headed back to the freeway.

I held out my hand for hers, and she squeezed it tight. "I think instead of going to work with you I should get the boys room set up, get the needful stuff and be ready for tomorrow."

"Do you have another sibling with sons that will bring over the ready-made wardrobe?"

"No, I mean--- I don't know. I'm going to make a few calls. I think I read recently that it was good to have a family party when the adoption goes through and you bring your kids home. Like a baby shower. Maybe it is time for a little loving."

"Aren't we going to a family party on Thursday? Thanksgiving?"

"Yes. But I mean a different kind of family party. You wait and see. I'll get this together."

"I can see that you will, but just remember. We have to be in our seats at seven tonight. That's in a little under six hours."

"Is it one already? No wonder I feel hungry." She laughed and then started texting on her phone. We had the over the seat DVD down for Felicity, with her little ear buds in so she could watch her movie in peace.

"You want me to stop and get you something?"

"Us. You should stop and get us a Subway sandwich or something."

"Okay. I know a place." I did know a place not too far up the freeway. "You can split a sandwich with me and then take me to work and pick me up at six. That's four good hours there. I'll have to work some tomorrow too."

"How can you work tomorrow if we are picking up the boys?"

"Om, I don't know. Maybe that won't work."

I gave her the eye meant to tell her I loved her and we would work it out. She gave me back the eye that told me she hadn't heard a word I'd just said, but had gotten fixated on my dimples, or my arm ink, or my hair or something and instead of feeling like I had a plan, and we were about to work it--- I felt like superman, and I wanted to fly away with her to someplace private and have my way.

We are still newlyweds.... Right....?

*****