*****085:

Rafe

The nightmare had just begun.

Chris and Doug showed up at the funeral home, dressed in shorts and tanks, she wore no make up and her eyes were splotchy and red. Doug looked pathetically whipped--- unable to help Chris deal with her loss. She was crude and clipped, refused to hug either Lance or myself, and followed the funeral director with her head and her nose in the air.

Lance and I were in suits, Aubrey was in a maternity dress, and flats. Yes, it was warm, but the day warranted respect. Dad had told us on the way over that he would not be coming--- to this, or the funeral. It was a huge blow and I felt it like a ton of bricks. How could he be so callous? How could he abdicate his place? How could he leave us alone to cope like this?

Lance always let me precede him and I always directed Aubrey with a hand on her back. Chris took the seat closest to the director--- I hated this kind of thing--- the room was just plain muted--- weird colors, red and black and white--- roses. Yuck.

The guy was very soft spoken. I had to lean forward to hear him. He started out by discussing the fact that my mother was a celebrity. I listened to his schpeel--- disgusted right away, as he tried to discern who would be paying, and how much he could get away with. He talked about security--- his security, and grounds security etc. He spoke directly about expensive caskets and florals, and then asked about any program to be performed.

I leaned forward. "What? Did you think I was going to sing at my mother's funeral? I'm sorry. No. I'm not. Treat it like you would any other funeral. She killed herself. What do you normally do for suicides?"

My voice had come out sarcastic and rude--- as I'd meant it. But I saw Aubrey's eyes widen in disbelief and felt ashamed. That pissed me off as well.

Chris had turned to me in astonishment. "Of course you will sing. She loved you to sing for her. And she is the mother of a very famous celebrity, and she will be grieved by many. She did not commit suicide. She deserves better."

I stood up, pointed my finger at her. "I will not sing. She is not a celebrity. We'll have a small—I mean very small funeral here at the funeral home--- like we did for Daniel--- and you can give a eulogy if you want."

"I'm not giving the eulogy!" Chris snapped. "Let Uncle John do it." That was my mother's brother. I'd not even thought about her siblings, or anyone else. I guess I was grieving worse than I thought. Or most likely I was nearing physical and emotional exhaustion as well.

Lance nodded. "Uncle John would be a good choice." He said slowly. "You guys need to stop fighting. Look, they did not say she'd committed suicide, Rafe, it's unlikely. It was an accidental overdose. We'll treat it as such. I agree with Rafe, it should be here, small and very private. We'll put her near Daniel, and-----."

I nodded, having sat back down. Aubrey wisely did not touch me, and wasn't looking at me.

"There will be no mention of anything Mormon." Chris snapped. "Not one thing. I'm going to ask the minister at the LGBT church near my home if he'll come and say a few words about tolerance and acceptance. Mom would have liked that."

Lance bit his lips and turned to Rafe. "It isn't about what Mom wants anymore, Chris, it's what would be comforting to all of us."

Her eyes were bloodshot. "Then that is what I want."

"If you get to have something you want--- then each of us should have what we want as well." Lance was trying to be judicious.

"Well then here is what I want." Rafe snapped. "You have your little minister say his words, and then I want to say a few words myself, not a eulogy, just a few words. I will not sing. Not one song. Not even Amazing Grace. In fact, keep music out of it."

"Music can be comforting." The director said calmly.

"Not one note. Leave this alone."

"I want music." Chris declared unwisely. Lance shook his head at her.

"Not one peep." Rafe said. "What do you want Lance?"

"I think--- just family. Only family. Nobody else should be there. At all. Just family."

Rafe nodded. "That's reasonable. I agree. Family is enough anyway."

"I said I want music." Chris reiterated.

"That's fine then that's your one thing. No minister of the LGBT church."

"No, we're having the minister, and we're having music."

"Fine, then I'm not coming."

"Oh, yes you are! How dare you say such a thing? Yes, you are coming. She gave you everything Rafe, everything you are is because of her. And you betrayed her--- you betrayed all of us. I can't even stand the sight of you."

I stood up. I stared directly at the funeral director who had also stood up, possibly used to sibling discrepancies at these meetings, emotions were high, thoughts were already on splitting up the family fortune--- etc. "I'll pay for it. Let her choose whatever she wants. I'll pay for it. I'm leaving. And I won't be coming so don't worry about the high security. Put her next to Dan." I waved as Chris started crying and screaming. That was horrible.

Lance caught up to me. "Bro--- don't do this. Please."

I gave him my most incredulous expression. "You just saw what she's capable of. Before I say or do anything else that might make it even worse, I need to get out of here. I'll have my own memorial service somewhere else, in my own way. It's better this way, Lance. Better for all of us."

"Rafe, you did not betray anybody. I hope you don't believe that. She's just in shock, and she's not dealing well. Give her a chance to settle down. This is just too much for all of us in one day."

I shrugged. "I love you, bro, you mean the world to me. What do you want me to do?"

He sighed. "Can you go back in and tell her you'll attend the funeral?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Oh, for Pete's Sake, Lance! She hates my guts and I don't even know what to think about her right now. This isn't what Mom would want either."

"For me then, will you come back and sit down and just nod your head at whatever is said?"

"Freak, are you serious? Fine, fine." Determination propelled me back inside. "Chris, I'm sorry. We're both on edge. Whatever you want, okay. You want a LGBT Choir to sing, I'll join 'em. Let's just get it over with."

She managed to look smug through her tears, and I wanted to slap her, but I told myself that was not what Jesus would want me to do. What would Jesus do? WWJD. That's not a Mormon thing, right?

"I want pink flowers, and a white casket, I think she'd have loved that. And I will see if my minister friend does have a choir, and you can sing with them, that's a really good idea. I think Uncle John should give the eulogy, and I want it filmed for posterity. And it can't be just family, sorry Lance, but she has a lot of friends, and of course, the band will want to come, she was always so fond of all you boys when you were little. You wouldn't deny them the right to say goodbye. And you can speak Rafe if you really want to, but you can't say anything Mormon and absolutely no scriptures or anything. And I really think your wife should stay at home. Mom did not like her, and wouldn't have wanted her there." She sighed dramatically. "I guess that's about all. I'll call the Hilton and see if we can reserve a room for the family dinner. Lance, is that okay with you?"

Lance was shaking his head. I gave him a look meant to tell him just what I thought of his forcing me back in here.

"It'll be just like your wedding." He mumbled to me, and I realized he meant that one thing would be planned and something else entirely would happen. Yeah--- I just wouldn't come. She was trying to make some kind of media circus out of it. Seriously--- playing on it. Pissed me off.

"Rafe. Are you okay with my plans?"

"If this is what you want ." I looked at Aubrey who was nodding, not looking at me. Seriously? Chris didn't want my wife to come?

I stood up. "Chris, do you need anything else from me?" I sighed with as much controlled solemnity as I could. I tried really hard not to be angry.

"Will you call about the choir and arrange for an appropriate song, knowing my preferences, it should be something non-religious, and about acceptance and tolerance, those were mom's by-words."

I waved my hand at Lance as if this was asking too much.

"I'll call them." Lance said quickly, as I turned.

"No, I want Rafe to do it, so he can have some input about what song to sing." Chris's strident and teary tone grated on my nerves.

"I don't need any input, Chris, I read music." I said quietly, controlling my ire. I held Aubrey's hand.

"And remember, please don't bring her. I don't actually think any Mormons should be there." Chris was still sitting looking at a catalog of caskets.

I swallowed painfully.

Lance was about to say something, and I held up my hand, taking one last step toward my sister. "Listen, sis, if Mom doesn't want any Mormons there, then Lance and me are going to have to celebrate her life somewhere else. We're both Mormon." I turned to walk away and I heard her screech, and then her angry tones as she realized her mistake and tried to rectify it. I shook my head and signaled to Lance that I was leaving.

******