111: Rafe

I cleared my throat. "I'm already a member of the church, Kell, in your opinion, what will happen when and if I decide to go through this process?"

Tecca sat up straighter. "Do you hold the Melchezidek Priesthood?"

I shook my head. "How old were you when you left the church?"

"Sixteen."

"And had you been active your whole life up to that point?"

"More or less."

Tecca swallowed. "It has been my experience that your local leaders will have to make that decision with you. At the very least you will likely go through a disfellowshipment process, which simply means you cannot partake of the sacrament or pay tithing, which disqualifies you then from temple service and holding a calling. This may last anywhere from three months to a year."

I swallowed. "And what if they decide to make an example of me? What if they excommunicate me?"

Tecca closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "That would depend on what you understood about the gospel at the time you committed those sins." He shook his head. "Nobody is going to make an example of you, Rafe."

"I disagree. I think the church is famous for making examples of those who disagree with their policies. You know I oppose some church policies, right? I'm pretty public with my opinions. They will have to make an example of me."

Kell sat forward in his chair, steepling his fingers over his bottle of water. "I am not familiar with all of your occupations, Rafe, but I know you will have to sell your clubs. I had to. I wanted to. Too hard to justify contributing to other's delinquency, when I vow not to do it for myself and my family. I wanted to be a better example on my own. No one will make you do this, however, but you will find that you want to do it on your own."

I glanced at Aubrey. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was even. We were sitting on the ground, so I eased her to my lap, and stroked the long sleeved shirt she wore over her shoulders. She wrapped one arm under and one arm over my leg.

"I'm not selling my clubs."

Kell sucked in his lips and then puckered them thoughtfully. "Okay. What else. It's not that you're worried about."

"Aubrey and I disagree about gay rights."

"Do you actively support gay rights?"

"Yes."

"That might be an issue. You know the LGBT movement actively opposes the church, and traditional marriage?"

"Yes. I've had it explained to me."

Kell nodded. "And you still want to be married in the temple, for you or for her?"

"For her."

"And you think somehow you can take her there and allow her to make those covenants and you will reserve judgment, and perhaps not commit to every part of the endowment?"

"I don't even know what that means."

He leaned even further toward me, his eyes glittering in the darkness. "Sacrifice, obedience, chastity, and consecration, my friend. It means your whole heart, might, mind and soul. That's all, just everything."

I was shaking my head. "I don't know if I can do that."

"Then you need to step back from those fancy rings you two are sporting." Tecca said.

"She said being engaged, meant you were engaged to discover if you wanted to be together forever."

"Good thought." Kell held up his hand. "A trial period, a time to explore. I agree, this is the best use of the term engagement I've ever heard. However, you two are sharing a room, and a bed, I understand."

I bit my lip, and everyone looked at me--- everyone--- who knew that indeed, Aubrey and I shared a bed.

"But they aren't sleeping together. I mean, in conjugal relations, that kind of sleeping together." Ben said. "I know they aren't."

Kell nodded. "I felt that way once." He said seriously. "It was how it had to be for me. Once I'd met her, I was hard pressed to let her go even for the night."

I looked up at him, realizing for the first time he wasn't condemning me, but rather sympathized with my predicament.

"Listen: sacrifice means knowing that something is more important than your own wants and needs, and putting that something first. Whatever it is, that's sacrifice. In the case of the temple, it means sacrificing the world. Obedience means knowing the laws and commandments and agreeing to keep them to the best of your ability. Only you and God can decide what that means for you. Chastity is pretty cut and dried. You understand it perfectly. And consecration means you agree to give all your time, talents and everything the Lord has or ever will bless you with to the building up of His kingdom." He smiled gently. "That will be hard to do if some of your time, talents and means are spent building up the kingdom that wishes to tear down his kingdom, if you catch my meaning."

Ben looked up at Kell then, his face a mask of hope and confusion. "In the case of marriage, sacrifice means putting her wants and needs first, putting everything she is first and protecting her with my life. It means being obedient to whatever oath we made at marriage. It means being faithful to her and not cheating or even flirting. And finally it means giving her all I have unconditionally."

"Incredible application." Tecca nodded, fingering his scruff, and his eyes were admiring. "I needed to hear that."

"What? Are you having trouble being married to one of the Mann Girls?" I asked.

"Trouble doesn't begin to describe what being married to Braylyn is like." He snorted and Kell laughed outright.

"I worked my ass off to get you married to her, so you better be careful what you do with that marriage." Kell kept laughing.

"That sounds like a story for another campfire." I yawned, not wanting to hear their personal history right then, even though it looked like everyone else did.

Kell turned to me. "But you--- you are courting the grand prize. Next to Maille of course and Ash... I guess some of them did turn out rather sweet. But most of them... not. I'm warning you--- and you probably already know, but just so that you are aware that the rest of us know as well. She's the angel. She's the baby girl, and she's as pure and idealistic as they come. You will not be allowed to hurt her."

"As evidenced by your not so subtle warning mission down here to deliver this message in person?"

"Rafe, you do what you want. But she --- she is a member of my family--- you are not—yet. You don't fall under the umbrella of my protection yet. When and if you ever do, my friend, we together will build a wall around your family that will encompass everything you are and ever hope to be, and you will be far better off for it. But you--- you will have to want it."

"Until then..." Tecca lifted his bottle and took a swig, and then let it fall to his side. "You will take care of her."

I nodded. I heard the unmistakable sound of their warning threat.

If I didn't, they would.

Period.

It was a formidable and annoying threat. It made me feel little and outside their realm.

But Tecca stood up. "Great concert man, you really moved me." He extended his hand to Jeff who had been sitting there staring at the sand and the fire all through this incredibly informative and condemning talk. But he got up and embraced Tecca, and then Kell and then shuffled off to our bungalow to his room. Ben also embraced them. Jeremy was sitting there, thinking and Kell bent to him, speaking very low, and very natural. Tecca came over and shook my hand. "See you in the a.m." He said. "Don't worry, Rafe. Things are going to work out. This might seem difficult from this side of it, but trust me, it will all be worth it."

I watched Kell help Jeremy to his feet and as Tecca walked back toward the hotel main rooms, Kell stepped over to me, squatted down on his bare feet and eyed me carefully.

"He is right, you know. It will all be worth it on the other side of it. Right now you have your doubts. But you also have Aubrey."

"Yes. I doubt I am good enough for her."

He chuckled. "You aren't. None of us are. Join the club."

"I mean, I am not what she needs."

"She needs a strong man with character and depth, who is willing to let her fly and be free, and willing to tame her and give her purpose as well. I believe you are that man."

I watched him as he walked back the way they had come to the hotel, and wondered at his words. Did he really believe I was that man, knowing what I had told him of our differences? Surely he wasn't just blowing smoke up my ass. He meant what he said.

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