118:

Rafe

I had worried about her being nervous in showers, or anywhere I wasn't right there. She had a right to be skittish. She'd been cruelly treated and hurt. Her purple and green eye reminded me of that every time I looked at it. But now--- it was forgotten. I was with her, and nothing else mattered.

We stood on the top of the winding wall fed maze on this funny little hill overlooking the city and the gondola, where a long line of tourists had formed at the foot of it. But we were just enjoying the wind.

"Aubrey--- the Bishop had me read this article this morning."

She turned from leaning over the edge of the railing wall. Her eyes were crystal in the sunlight, and so interested in me, and everything about me.

"It was about masturbation."

"Okay."

"And it says that there is to be no questioning during the temple recommend interview of how a person chooses to keep the law of chastity in regards to this, or porn, or anything else. Except the actual commandment that you read to me, and I agreed to."

"And that means what?"

"It said that most religions spend a lot of time focusing on behavioral adherence related to their doctrine and not enough time dedicated to teaching about the atonement and a personal relationship with the Savior. Too many times people get caught up in not allowing any deviation from what is deemed appropriate behavior and this stands in the way of them coming to know and have a deeper relationship with the divine."

"Are you quoting it?"

"Yes."

"So, you're thinking that nobody is going to come right out and ask you how you live the law of chastity, as long as you are not currently committing adultery, and that your own interpretation of it is going to suffice until you and the Savior decide otherwise."

"I like your way of putting things. Correct."

We stared out at the hazy city, the sun beating down on houses and trailers, and buildings and cars and horses and carts. It was a strange mixture of old and new.

Finally Aubrey turned to me. "If I apply that concept to myself then here is what I come up with. Porn is still evil. I won't allow it in my home. Masturbation has nothing to do with me. I may not like it personally, but I've never experienced it, or even seen it for myself. I see no medical reasons for it to be discontinued, but I see many reasons why it can possibly be beneficial. So I withhold judgment. I believe that the Lord has given us two basic ways we can feel unworthy, and we have to decide how they will affect us ourselves. Guilt and shame. Guilt is His way of telling us to make a change. Shame is --- different. Self imposed."

"I agree."

"So, as far as the temple recommend questions come up you need to answer them with personal integrity within the mandates of your own conscience."

I nodded. "Can you live with that?"

"I can. Can you?"

I nodded again.

"As far as the LGBT sponsorship goes. You are right, there might be alternative ways I can support them without losing my temple recommend." The wind blew my words to the side, and she looked at me until I repeated what I wanted to say, then she nodded slowly.

"You realize this is almost as hard for me as it is for you." She said.

I hadn't thought that it was. She was already there, already worthy. She already had a relationship with the Savior. I was not sure about mine. But I was beginning to get an inkling of how it might be possible to be a member of the church and even go to the temple without being perfect, without knowing everything there was to know, and without compromising who I thought I was. Yes, there were changes that needed to be made, but at my side was this nearly perfect angel, and I wanted to keep her.

I was willing to---

She slipped her arms around my waist, that sweet smile was in place, as she lifted her eyes to mine. "I'm not perfect, Rafe." She said as if she had read my mind. "It's hard for me not to be judgmental. It's hard for me to see other people's perceptions as viable, and valued and real. I was very sheltered, and I know it. And I keep running smack up against my own ingrained prejudices. I am prideful. I want you to change for me, but I need to change for you, and for Him."

I never wanted her more than right this minute. It was like all the fights were rolled into one, and they were resolved. And all the talks were rolled into this one, all the genuine moments of longing---- we had this perfect relationship. So far--- there had been nothing negative for me. Nothing I would look back on and not love. Everything about Aubrey was made for me. I wanted to write a song called that--- made for me.

I tipped my lips to her and she opened to me.

"I love you, baby."

"I'm a little scared by how much I am coming to love you."

"Um hm... it is a little scary." I kissed her deeply, opening her up to me just so I could feel again her trust, and her belief in who I am in her life. "It's pretty powerful."

I cradled her to my chest, loving the way she fit to me like a perfect glove. She molded to me gently, sweetly, and I started to believe I could value her more than anything and anyone else in my life, ever. What they'd all said about being willing to sacrifice for her--- I wanted to. I wanted to lay it all at her feet and give her my whole self.

"Rafe--- you know--- with us. It's like there is stuff to overcome--- truly, but not like--- not like I don't know--- not like some people. I feel like it's been so easy to love you. We are such an old couple. You know what I mean?"

I laughed. "That's a funny way of looking at it. An old couple, but yeah, I get what you're saying. We are easy together, that whole getting to know you thing is really going fairly smoothly. Because ultimately we want to be together. It's like we know we're supposed to be together, so we just have to get to that point."

I smoothed her blouse over her slender frame. She was mine to protect, mine to harbor against the storms of life. She would be the mother of my children, and I Had. No. Hesitation. We just had to get there. I prayed she would still love me when we got there.

Ben was watching us from the other side of the maze and he saluted me as I turned to see him. I saluted him back, and then smoothed my lady's hair one more time, never tiring of her loveliness. Above all other women, everything about her--- fly away hair, flat bare feet, dirty and dusty and sweaty playing basketball. I loved her.

Ben came over to us. "Lovebirds." He said as if it were the only thing to say. I think we smiled, I think we responded. I think I wasn't able to really respond to him or anyone else, I'd just given my heart to this little slip of a feisty doctor gal.

Ben stood next to us overlooking the city as if we had never seen a city before. Finally he smiled and sighed and I read correctly that he had something to say. "I hate that you're taking my man and turning him into a husband, Aubrey. You don't know how much I fantasized when I was in bed with my wife, that I was actually out being a playboy like Rafe."

I blinked. "Just sleeping, right? You weren't fantasizing about me when you were with--- your wife?"

"Glenda, my ex-wife."

"You weren't fantasizing then, were you?"

He socked me in the arm and we all laughed. "Who am I gonna fantasize about now? He's changing right before all our eyes."

Aubrey grinned. "He's always had it in him, just the right girl hadn't come along yet."

Ben squeezed her from the other side. "Well, you're that girl, baby."

Aubrey did this little stepping stomp dance, I don't know exactly what, little jog of exuberance, so like her when she got excited. I was suddenly glad that she could still surprise me. There was so much about her that I really wanted to see.

I looked at my watch. "Well, guys, as much as I love hanging out here, memorizing cities and riding gondolas, it's time to head back. I really do have music I want to lay down."

"I hear you, bro." Ben agreed. We both knew that my music was Aubrey inspired, and would be amazing once we all got into it. We went back to the line and the gondola, where Aiden had been saving a place for us, and Tim was leaning against the wall railing looking out over the city, but he was looking around for predators. Jake and Manuel were standing inconspicuously nearby. As we approached they joined us in line.

The gondola took us across the canyons below which were nice--- pretty--- I'd seen nicer and prettier places. Aubrey and I spoke really low about places we thought were the prettiest, and how, as nice as this part of Mexico was, we wouldn't list it, on our top ten list. She stood right up next to the windows , and I braced myself behind her, with one hand on the railing and one hand on her waist. It was nicer and prettier than all the scenery in the world.

The bike ride back to town on the trails was simply hot and dusty. The sun had climbed to its zenith, and we were sweaty and stifled. No one felt like talking, and I chalked this adventure up to--- as Aubrey put it--- another drop of oil in our lamps. It would soon blend with the rest, and not stand out. But it gave us experience and togetherness. It added to our knowledge of each other.

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