Hey guys! As usual, I try to make my feedback positive and helpful! If you want to talk or know more about your score or the feedback I gave you, please let me know. Also, wordsmith and jaypvie, I really appreciate your scores and feedback on my entry, so thanks for that you guys! 

wordsmith-

-0.3 grammar

SCORE: 11.6

Your entry is such a smooth read, and the shifting perspectives between people is so smooth, showing what parts of the story need to be told. Kappo is such a sweet and enjoyable character to read. You've done a good job characterizing all of them. Aurei's personality is so unique and different and I love how Kappo was nice and offered his bed to her. You wrote the hostility from the other initiates very well, too. Axel was so strongly developed with how he's a follower, not a leader. Even Biera and how sweet she is and Matoaka and how young and innocent she is, you characterized them very well even though you only described them through other people's eyes (well Matoaka once in the beginning). You only had three grammar mistakes, and you scored a 1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in only a 0.1 point loss. I think catching those last few grammar mistakes is how you can improve, and focusing on giving your characters just a tad bit more of a unique voice - you've got their personalities and who they are down, now it's just a matter of making each of their pov's sound a bit different, to push you to earning a 2 on the writing maturity scale. It's something I'm currently trying to learn, so I know you can do it. I loved your entry and it was extremely entertaining and it was such a smooth, easy read! Good job!

JesterheadJohnSnow

0.3 for grammar

0.5 for punctuation

SCORE: 11.2

I loved the introduction and how Tiger thought it was hyperspace! That's really good characterizing! I also love the dynamics and how Nica is cold and how uncomfortable it's making everyone else. Kortana also makes such a good mentor! "I bet the seppies did it!" Haha I just love Tiger! You have done a fantastic job giving each of your characters a unique voice - Kortana and hear leadship abilities, Nica and her coldness and yet showing how she hated being isolated, Gunnar and his Viking attitude, Shaymus and the ironborn side of him, Tiger definitely with his clone voice (I can hear it whenever he talks) and he feels so star wars to me! I mean, this is so amazingly written! Tiger and how he doesn't leave anyone behind, and then how you described their struggles with it was very well written! Your entry was very entertaining to read. Gunnar in his fear simulator was so well written - I could see what was happening and feel what he felt. I loved how you described him trying to get out of the situation and how slitting his wrists ended up getting him out of it. And you were so creative with how Tiger's, even though it was one scene, contained multiple fears - Kimino being attacked, fighting greivous, his Jedi general turning to the dark side... It was extremely creative and I'm highly impressed! The only mistakes you had were a few grammar mistakes and several punctuation mistakes, but that was it! They were basic mistakes, so an intense read through to edit it will help you improve. You also scored a 2 on the writing maturity scale, which is amazing! I feel like you were using very mature vocabulary and you established different character voices throughout your entry with minimal mistakes, so keep up the good work! I really felt like you wrote this so well. Everything flowed, you characterized everyone and established dynamics, you showed them struggling, and chose the best POV to go to for each thing, you showed every step of Dauntless and still had time for character dynamics all within the word count. I mean, there's nothing more to say other than I am highly impressed!

BeyondDuck

-0.4 for grammar

-0.2 for punctuation

-0.2 for repetitive sentence structure

1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.1 point loss

SCORE: 11.1

Wow! You've established your characters well, gave them each different personalities, and created some interesting and entertaining character dynamics! Adara getting beat up at the end was well written, and definitely intense and brutal! I was cringing the entire time! Kaisa and Malcom's dynamic is awesome and you even entertained me with the Erudite side of things. And seriously, Keek, holy heck, he is ruthless! You had a few minor errors; nothing too major, just a bit extra editing to fix it. You scored a 1.9 on the writing maturity scale. Just give each of your characters a bit of a more unique voice and you'll score a 2. I just love what you wrote and it felt like Divergent and really got me into the minds of your characters. Great job!

jesusfreak202

Jaypvie scored me, so did wordsmith, and so did my husband, so I averaged those two scores (11.3 +10.6 +11 divided by 3)

SCORE: 10.9

animallover1321

-0.4 punctuation

-0.4 grammar

-1.5 on the writing maturity scale(resulting in a 0.5 point deduction)

SCORE: 10.7

You had a few grammar and punctuation mistakes, but it wasn't anything too bad. I loved how you specifically chose one person to go to in order, telling each of the initiations. You created a lot of character dynamics and really built your characters. You're writing has improved SO much and I'm very proud of you. You scored a 1.5 on the writing maturity scale; even though you've improved, you lacked description in a few places that could have been elaborated more (describing William for instance and then at one other point the setting could have been described better). Overall, great job!

ZSB2000

-0.8 for repetitive sentence structure

-0.3 for grammar

-0.2 for spelling

1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.1 point deduction

SCORE: 10.6

I felt like you paced yourself very well. Not only are each of your characters well written and strongly established, but you gave them each a unique voice. Ingithora's voice (both dialogue and narrative voice) is so unique like Thurnir's that it sets her apart. He's naturally been set apart and then Kyoka is different, which gives them all such a unique combination of characters. I love the dynamics and how well you paced yourself. You did have quite a few repetitive sentences, which I know is a minor thing for you, so just write earlier and give yourself extra editing time. Because of the repetitive sentences, I had to give you a 1.9 on the writing maturity scale, but without those, you would have gotten a 2. Overall, I simply LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your entry! You showed the factions and gave me a story and still managed to keep me entertained. AMAZING JOB. Keep it up.

jaypvie -

- 0.3 for grammar

-0.4 for sentence structure

-0.2 for sentence flow

0.3 for punctuation

1.7 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.3 point loss

SCORE: 10.5

I liked how you showed Sarah and Jasmine thinking their way through their decision to chose the factions they chose. Sarah sticking with her personality and trying to be alone, so choosing Erudite was creative. I loved how you showed each character's journey, how they slowly changed. You took your time and really showed the progression which is what made your entry so enjoyable to read and very unique, too. Thomas really stands out as a strongly developed character and I can't wait to read more! You scored a 1.7 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.3 point deduction. Just a bit more editing and making Jasmine and Sarah's narration voices a bit more unique and you'll score a 2!

Several7s -

0.4 punctuation

0.3 for grammar

0.3 for sentence flow

0.1 for repetitive

0.1 for spelling

1.7 on the writing maturity scale (resulting in a 0.3 point deduction)

SCORE: 10.4

I just love what you've done in terms of characterizing and character development. Not only have you created six (seven plus Lexi, if I counted right, haha) strongly developed characters with very different personalities, you've created dynamics between them that make such a strong bond. This makes us cheer them on as the reader and makes me personally, love reading the interactions between them. Your writing and the interactions with them are humorous which made me laugh, but at the same time, serious and you really showed their development and what they went through in the factions! What I suggest you work on, is editing your entry a little more thorroughly for grammar, punctuation, sentence flow. You only had one repetiive mistake and one spelling mistake which I'm sure was a typo, but just once intense read through for editing to catch those extra mistakes (this will also boost you up on the writing maturity scale). I was also very impressed with how you changed from first person to third person back and forth and still made the transititions very smooth. Great job! I can't wait to read more!

TARDIS_at_221B

-0.1 for spelling

-1.5 for repeitive sentence structure

-0.2 for punctuation

-0.4 for grammar

SCORE: 8.8

Your entry was very smooth to read. I enjoyed how you took your time with all parts. Charlotte could have been included a bit more, but it still worked and Abnegation is hard to come up with ideas for. I loved how you showed Mariana (sorry I can't spell), working through her fears and how detailed you were about her story in dauntless. Ajax in Amity was also entertaining. You've developed the characters very well. You did have issues with starting sentences with she constantly, so you can improve by varying your sentence structure and starting it with other words. That's part of what killed your score, and why you scored a 1 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 1 point deduction. As you do that, it will also help to give each of your characters a different voice. Overall, though good job. It was a nice read!

OliviaBinfield

-1.3 grammar

-1.5 punctuation

-0.7 for repetitive sentence structure

-0.3 for sentence flow

1.5 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.5 point deduction

SCORE: 7.7

You wrote each of your characters perspectives with their own narrative voice, which is hard to do! You've established each of their different personalities and there's a distinct difference between each of them, even without names being mentioned. Also, I loved Matheus writing! Haha the decision to kill or not to kill a character - killing them IS so much more fun, so I can totally relate! You took your time with each character, drawing out the process of both Dauntless and Erudite, all the while continuing to keep me entertained. You did have a lot of grammar and puncutation mistakes. However, you did change each character's narrative voice and for that, you scored a 1.6 on the writing maturity scale. Just fix the grammar and punctuation - a bit more editing next time, and you'll improve! Overall, amazing job! Well done!

tiffanyjane1997

-2.5 punctuation -

-0.8 grammar

-0.1 repetitive sentence structure (beginning two sentences in a row with the word "she")

-0.1 sentence flow

You scored a 0.5 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 1.5 point deduction

SCORE: 7.6

I loved how you showed Caleb making his decision on which one to choose and how you described him thinking it through. That was very creative and really got me inside his mind! You have done an extremely fantastic job characterizing them and giving them all very different voices and personalities. Caleb with him coming from being a knight, Alexis and how much she curses, Crimson wanting to belong somewhere... You've done a great job! Your descriptions of the fields in Amity were so beautiful, I could see it all right before my eyes! Describing the individual people dancing and playing made Amity feel so real, and the emotions behind everyone's happiness there definitely really got me into the scene! The way you described happiness and music... GAH. Such beautiful writing! HOLY MOLY I THOUGHT YOU KILLED CHRIS. And then, I realized it was in the fear simulator. You did a great job surprising the crap out of me! I didn't see it coming! You scored a 0.5 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 1.5 point loss. You had several grammar mistakes and several punctuation mistakes - all of them were ones missing from the end of dialogue. "I walked the dog today," she said. There's always a comma before the quotation at the end of dialogue. If you need any more advice, feel free to ask me and I'll try to help you. Overall, this was a great improvement in your writing and I'm very impressed with it. You also characterized Zira and Matt really well (I loved how Matt helped Crimson out). Great job!

Sara_R_Stark

0.6 for grammar

1.6 for repetitive sentence structure

0.3 for punctuation

0.3 for spelling

-1 for not following task

-0.1 for not doing ballot punishment

1.4 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.6 point loss

SCORE: 7.6

I liked how unique your entry was in that you only told it from one characters POV. I would have liked to see the others, but you kept it interesting and really took your time with it, showing us every part of the Dauntless initiation. You had several syntax errors, most of which were repetitive sentences (starting them all with "I). When you can work on varying your sentence structure, it will help you improve. You also didn't fully listen to instructions - I said that no one is allowed to have their powers and you had Victoria keep her vampire abilities, so I had to take off a point for that. You also didn't follow the ballot punishment, by having your character involved in a major fight that took up 300 words of your entry, so I took off 0.1 for that. You scored a 1.4 on the writing maturity scale, so just fix those extra errors and make sure you follow the task all the way, and your score will improve. You did write this very well and Victoria is a well developed character. Good job!