Chapter 9

"I'm sorry but you can't enter!" The voice of the young woman who stood up behind her desk at Yunho's intrusion called out. Yunho spared her one sharp glance that made her fall back into her seat wordlessly, "Yuri Shii, you'll let me pass without any problems. Won't you?"

Yunho said thickly, upon reading her name plate. His voice hard but so low that the faintest of sounds could carry away his words. The young secretary leaned forward, her mouth half open in astonishment as Yunho handed her his client card.

"Yes, of course Dr. Jung. No problems at all." She replied back after carefully reading the card, a soft promising smile of someone keeping a secret playing on her lips. Yunho nodded, and straightened his tie, loosening it slightly as he cleared his throat and walked passed the secretary's desk.

     Everything is going to be alright, isn't it?

        If you do something to make it alright.

          This is it. I'll make it alright.

            Regain everything, everything you lost.

Yunho felt his fingers twitch mindlessly, his jaw stiffened painfully tight as he stood stark still, his eyes strained burning hot as if attempting to melt the door that stood unopened in front of him. Gulping down the last of his fears, his hand firmly caught hold of the door knob, turning it slowly -

"What -" The voice of the younger man exclaimed, the look of surprise draining from his face, quickly being replaced with curiosity and anger. The younger man's face instantly triggered something inside Yunho, something that made him move forward instantly; his face contorted in contempt and disgust.

"You hung up on me  you piece of shit!" Yunho growled, pressing his hands onto the younger man's desk as he peered forward towards the younger man sitting behind the desk.

"I'm a very busy man, Yunho Shii." The younger man replied calmly, as he cocked his head to the side; his eyes narrowing as Yunho's face grew darker, his lips curling up in scorn. The younger man sighed, taking off his glasses and pressing the heels of his hands to his tightly shut eyes.

"Where is JaeJoong?" Yunho almost screamed, his voice falling low as he struggled to restrain his voice, "Where is he?"

"After two years Yunho Shii?" The younger man mocked, a tinge of something else unsteady in his voice. "I don't think JaeJoong Shii is in need for an Analyst right now."

Yunho straightened himself up, stepping back a few steps and pushing his hands into his pockets as his eyes cautiously surveyed JaeJoong's former agents face. His eyes wild with anger as the younger man returned his look with a level gaze. His face smug with twisted satisfaction as he knew Yunho was vulnerable and weak. Knew that Yunho was at his services.

"I heard about Bae Shii. I'm sorry for the loss of your wife." The young man nearly spat out the last word, his lips drooping in disgust. JaeJoong's former agent was a young man of 26, but had the face of a young man aging too quickly. His black locks swept back neatly into a small ponytail.

"Please, where is JaeJoong." Yunho whispered barely moving his lips, his face stiff. The agent smirked, a short laugh escaping his lips as his eyes grew sharper, spiteful. Suddenly his face changed, becoming blank suggesting stupidity and innocence.

"How - should - I - know." He answered back slowly.

     Oh, but you do know Changmin Shii. You do know.

        Tell me, please. Before you force me to kill you.

"Please tell me." Yunho gritted his teeth. His legs weakening, bending slightly as he was prepared to beg, prepared to get on all fours and kiss the younger man's feet if need be.

"Why?" The younger man spat, "why should I tell you, so you could hurt him again? Do you have any idea what he's been through since you two separated?"

Yunho could feel hot acid shoot through his veins, spreading throughout his whole body. Numbing his limbs painfully into a state of paralysis. Could feel his heart racing in his chest, the feeling of choking in his throat.

"Don't you think," the younger man started, "that it's best you both just forget. Live your lives now, and move on. Can't you do that for JaeJoong?"

"I have to see him, I need to see him." Yunho whispered a small pleading, "I need to see he is alright."

"He's fine!" Changmin screamed throwing up his arms, then bringing them back down quickly. "He's doing fine in America."

"Is he? How! Tell me. Has he forgotten me? Does he no longer love me?" Yunho asked, his hands balling into fists. Changmin fixed his stare at Yunho carefully, silent.

"I - hated you." Changmin said after a deafening long silence, "I still terribly hate you."

"I hate you too." Yunho retorted back. Changmin smiled at that, and nodded sadly to himself as he opened his mouth indecisively, hesitant.

"Because he loved you -" Changmin said softly, "he looked at you didn't he? As he made love to you. He looked you in the eyes, as you two slept; he held you tightly in his arms, didn't he? He kissed you and told you he loved you to your face, didn't he? Didn't he?"

      Yes, yes, he did all those! Why? Why do you ask? why-why-why

Yunho wanted to ask, but he couldn't utter a word. All the questions, all those things he wanted to say balled together into a tight lump in his throat; keeping Yunho mute and rather dumbfounded.

"He never looked me in the eye. He never looked anyone in the eye. Not even when I made love to him, he never once held me. Never once faced me when we slept. He always kept his back turned to me, as if it hurt to look at me. As if he made love to me out of responsibility. As if I forced him. Just as he did with all those producers!"

He stopped, his eyes glazed as if the memories made him want to shed shameful tears. The younger man looked up, blinking away tears he didn't want to let fall, and sighed. Suddenly his face was bewildered, as if he had no idea where he was. 

"Why, why did he treat me as those producers. I didn't understand it." Changmin's voice trailed off, his voice fading as he went on.

"You're his agent!" Yunho yelled, "you're his agent!"

"No I am not!" Changmin screamed back. "I am not his agent!" Yunho stepped back, stunned and confused - this time it was him who took the face of bewilderment.

      Not Jae's agent? - then who is he, who is he?!

"I am a stand in." Changmin replied as if reading Yunho's thoughts, "I am simply a fill in. For who you wonder? For my father who else!"

The younger man peered at Yunho, his eyes widening. Yunho listened with frozen concentration.

"Did you think I wanted JaeJoong to sleep with all those people. Those men who fucked him mercilessly and those women who screwed him and grew obsessed with him? Do you think I wanted that?!"

The younger man was screaming now, screaming at himself as if trying to convince Yunho, "I didn't want it. Didn't want it one bit. But I was too young to oppose to my father. For he owned JaeJoong, he bought JaeJoong! All I was then was JaeJoong's companion, watching my father as he instructed JaeJoong into fame. I - I didn't have a voice, i was still in school goddamnit! All I could do was stand outside the door and wait for JaeJoong to come out, tears in his eyes after the men wanted to do "crazy things" to him.

Changmin stopped again, tears dropping from his eyes and his shoulders sagged and shaking. "I didn't want it. I didn't." He shook his head, hanging his head so low Yunho strained to hear.

"You loved him." Yunho said finally, his voice choked with realization. Looking at the younger man, he saw that he looked affectionate, almost serene at the thought of JaeJoong. Changmin loved JaeJoong, maybe as much as Yunho did. Maybe in his own way, but he loved JaeJoong, silently loving him. But JaeJoong didn't see it, couldn't see it. Never looking at Changmin. Rather being alone than letting anyone love him.

Changmin looked up at Yunho, and nodded. His lips pulled downward as he cried silently. "I loved him, who could not! He was beautiful. Everything about him was beautiful. He not once - ever blamed me for all the bad things that were done to him." He drew a shaky breath before choking out sobs.

The younger man covered his face with his hands, shaking his head slowly. It was as if time had stood still for the both of them, everything motionless and tense. Yunho felt oppressed with unbearable weight, taking in numerous deep breaths to keep himself breathing as his chest grew tight. His face softened upon watching the younger man crying sorrowfully before him.

"Finally," Changmin started again, "JaeJoong got his breakthrough. Becoming an instant star at 18, and I was able to be there for him as a steady man who took care of him. It was then, he finally stopped receiving the weekly list from my father." He smiled then, happy from the memory. But it quickly vanished as though something clouded his happy memory, "but he became withdrawn, distant and vacant. Always with a clouded look on his face. I still remember the day he decided to dye his hair blond and cut it short. Becoming a new person. He was no longer the black haired innocent angel I cried about. The boy who cried after every session with those hungry dogs. The boy who laughed shyly when he made a mistake. It was if - he had died inside"

     Yunho had stopped breathing all together, his knees becoming weak as visions flashed through his head of his Jaebaby crying after a night of loveless sex. His JaeBaby under some older man, crying. His Jaebaby, crying softly to himself. His JaeBaby - his JaeBaby.

"Then he met you." Changmin whispered, "and he looked at you. When I walked in on you two, I saw that he was staring down at you. Saw that he was looking at you with a look that I had never seen before. From that moment, I hated you. Hated that it was you that made him human again, hated you - because he finally smiled again. Hated you, because it was you who broke him even worse than he was before!"

Yunho fell to his knees at that, his chest heaving violently as tears ran down his eyes. "I know! I know it was my fault!" Yunho screamed.

The younger man looked away as if it hurt to look at Yunho, wiping his own tears. He maintained a low voice. "When I was told JaeJoong  had been rushed into the hospital due to an overdose. I was sure that he was done. That he had finally given up waiting for you."

"But Yoochun!" Yunho cried out, "weren't they lovers?"

Changmin grew angry at that, slamming his hands onto his desk and shooting Yunho a fierce look. "Are you stupid! Are you fucking stupid? Do you not know JaeJoong enough to know that he would never succumb to loving another man after loving you!"

Yunho whimpered, wordlessly. His mouth opening to talk but the words vanished 'poof' upon touching his lips. But Yoochun! Yoochun said! He wanted to scream over and over until his ears cracked open with his pulsing blood.

"Yoochun hated you didn't he? Hated you enough to blackmail sex onto JaeJoong to keep silent about your affair? Because wouldn't you lose your Job, Yunho shii? Until the end, it was all about you. Always thinking about you!" Changmin seemed to have grown increasingly agitated.

Changmin growled, but it was to himself. It was as if he wasn't aware of Yunho anymore. As if Yunho was not in his presence at all. "When he woke up. I was so happy. I cried, and took him in my arms. I thought this is it. this is it. I'm going to take him somewhere with me. He looked at me, wide eyed and relieved. "Yun-ah" he cried, because - he was - relieved."

He sounded thoughtful, his voice trailing and his eyes narrowing, his dark eyebrows twitching. Talking to himself, as if realizing something for the first time his voice became high. The agent became still, lost in his own memories. "as if - he didn't want to die. As if - he hadn't tried to kill himself." He whispered slowly.

"Hadn't tried to kill himself -" Yunho repeated foolishly, finding strength to pick himself off the floor. The younger man's head snapped up, realization filling his wide eyes. Again, he looked at Yunho as if he were seeing him for the first time. That he in fact had a guest, "It was Yoochun -" Changmin whispered harshly.

"I don't understand, Changmin shii." Yunho said weakly, his hands coming together in prayer stance. "Please, I don''t understand why Yoochun..."

"He was ... beating him." Changmin choked, his voice shaky. His gaze found Yunho, but it was if he did not seem to see him. Yunho closed his eyes, pressing his trembling lips to his folded hands. Shaking his head slowly in speechless denial.

      beatingbeatingbeating Yoochun was beatingbeatbeatingbeating

"When - when I saw the bruises on his body. I knew, I knew it was Yoochun. I knew Yoochun was hurting him. Yoochun - I couldn't be angry at him, I couldn't say anything. What would I say?! You know what happened to Yoochun also didn't you?!" Changmin exclaimed thoughtfully, "I'm sure the nurses saw the bruises too, but what would they say. You know how it is, celebrities lives are kept wrapped up. Sealed without anyone knowing, it is only when one commits suicide the story comes out, of rape and abuse. It was then, I knew - I knew I had to get JaeJoong out of Korea. Somewhere far away so he could start new. Far away -"

Yunho and Changmin looked at each other then, both had sorrowful tears in their eyes. Regret and sadness clouded their faces, mutely staring at each other. Grief sharpening both their features. An understanding being found in each other's tear streaked faces.

Slowly, Changmin took a pen and a small piece of paper, scribbling what looked like numbers to Yunho, and handed it to him. "Please. I beg you," the younger man's voice was faint; almost inaudible, but Yunho heard it. Heard it as if it slapped him across the face. 

Yunho didn't have to ask what the rest of the sentence was, or what he was asking of Yunho. He knew, that Changmin wanted JaeJoong to find only happiness. "Please trust me," he whispered as he walked out of JaeJoong's former agent's office.

//

Sorry for the wait ;D Lately I've been focusing dreadfully on my course registration for my 3rd year of university, its odd saying it that way. Because you'd assume I was old right? :p So my mom saw my schedule and told me to pace myself & take courses 2 off , "you're only 19" she says. Of course, I wont. I want to graduate early. So early that I have more time to stalk dong bang.Oddly, not one single writing course can be found on my list! Everything's just sociology 2, and 2 courses on Psychology and Kinesiology.

mmkay enough about that. Wow, this is quite long. I'm surprised that I was able to write this in only one day. Yeah my hands, so are numb with constant editing. Sadly, I think I still have a lot of mistakes. Possibly?

Chapter 'Ten; Hide & Seek

Yunho took one deep shaky breathe, expelling it slowly, carefully as he unconsciously clutched his chest. Fingers stiffly arched in an uncomfortable manner. He stood as still as a statue, as he felt his heart beat against his trembling hand. 

Slow and slight, he hunched over nervously; listening for footsteps to click-click-click down the empty hallway, as thump-thump-thump the pounding of his heart was the only thing he could hear. He wants to run, to break into a frenzied run with clumsy feet. But he stands motionless, drops of sweat run down the side of his face, as he waits.

   He doesn't know what else to do but wait. Just as he always had been, waiting.

           Waiting for JaeJoong.

He stood right before door 260, luggage feeling like five-hundred pounds in his hand. But he hangs on to the bag with a trembling hand. Anticipation and fear took hold of his body, because for all he knew, JaeJoong was behind door 260.

3 knocks to the door did nothing for him, not a sound came from the suite. Anxiety filled his limbs making him feel unbearably heavy - ready to collapse, but he doesn't. He stands still.

Las Vegas. The city of bright lights and well kept secrets. Sin City; everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. JaeJoong had always wanted to go, a place filled with bright lights - a place where no one would know him, and yet be surrounded by smiling faces. A place where the sun lived, because JaeJoong always hated winter, he hated the cold. He would have followed the sun all day if he could - JaeJoong had always wanted to go. And there is where Yunho followed him.

   Something is wrong, can you feel it? 

      Yes, but I don't know what it is.

   Yunho, something isn't right here. 

        Yes, but I don't know what it is.

   Yunho, you can't feel him. Can you?

          No.

For two days no one came in and no one came out of room 260, Yunho required the room across from it. The almost empty room was unsettling for Yunho, for even with light - it felt dim, as though only shadows were fit to occupy the room instead of a human being. But oddly, it was as if the suite itself were breathing, watching Yunho with curiousity.

   Who are you waiting for Yunhoshii?

                                             Who is it, who is it, who is it?

                                                              Who, who, who?

It was if it was waiting for him to break. Waiting for him to crumble and admit defeat. It wasn't that Yunho had become paranoid; no, and it wasn't that he had lost his mind either. It was something else making him the way he was. He didn't know what it was and it bothered him that he didn't know how to make it stop. The feeling of something lingering, lurking.

Yunho found himself always on his feet, pacing from the living room to the door at any given moment. His eyes involuntarily finding its way back to the door at all times; peering out through the peephole to see if JaeJoong had arrived. Watching the door, the door that always remained closed, always as if to say,Yun-ah, I am the door to your own personal prison - trapped, and no one is going to open it for him.

It was as if he was going back in time, 2 years earlier when he would stay awake all night staring at his door, waiting for it to open, waiting for JaeJoong to appear at the doorway with a smile on his face. I'm back Yun-ah, I'm back. I'm not mad anymore. 

Within moments, he'd be on his knees. Hands pressed up onto the door as grief stricken tears ran down his face, memories of JaeJoong playing hide-and-seek within the crevices of his mind. Can you find me Yun-ah?

   Where are you JaeJoong?

     Please, don't hide from me anymore.

       Please, I beg of you.

When he awoke the next day, his legs felt numb from sleeping at the door entrance. He hadn't had a good sleep in the days he'd been in Las Vegas. Slowly, he stood up and was startled by movement, by the sound of a door unlocking. Without a second thought, he opened his door.

"Excuse me!" He called out. His heart grounding to a stop as the other male turned to him.

"Yes?" The other man said, his dark brows furrowed in his seriousness. "Can I help you?"

"Yes." Yunho hoped his voice was firm, but he knew it held a hint of a quaver. "Does a Kim JaeJoong live in this suite?"

"Kim JaeJoong?" The man asked, his head tilting to the side as he pointed to his door. "Sorry, but only I live here."

Yunho shook his head in disbelief, no - no, he wanted to say. The other man looked at him with a hard gaze, forcing Yunho to gather himself steadily. Yunho stared at the other man, his eyes tracing every line of the other man's face, every little flaw, every shadow. But the man held a steady gaze, his face calm but suspecting.  His eyes were cold and stern, but held an undeniable familiarity to them. The man's look aroused his suspicions. Yunho gave him a piercing look.

Suspecting, what are you suspecting?

"My name is Jung Yunho." Yunho started again, his voice calmer than before. "I was told a Kim JaeJoong resided in this suite."

"There is a Kim that lives here." The man smiled, but it wasn't a kind smile. Somehow it was teasing, menacing. "But it is I, my name is Kim Junsu. Could is be possible you are mistaken?"

Yunho stepped back, shaking his head once again. He's lying right? 

   He is lying right?

     Study him more Yunho.

"May I come in?" Yunho said, pushing his way in and stepping foot into the also almost empty suite.

"I'm sorry, but you can't just go in a barge into someone's place!" The man, Kim Junsu, said in a soft tone. But Yunho did not pay him any mind, already he found himself peeking into the closets, looking at the shoes and the jackets.No, JaeJoong wouldn't have ever worn those.

He looked to the man, and decided they were his clothing, his shoes. Rather unfashionable, simple - not JaeJoong. Yunho frowned, a puzzled air hung around him. Something - something about the living room, something about how it was arranged, the sofa - the television - the coffee table. It was as if he were back home - everything was exactly how it was at his apartment,JaeJoong, you -

Another thought - He turned back to Kim Junsu who was standing across from him, "Were you the one who picked out the furniture?" he asked running a finger across the leather couch. The leather couch he also had back home.

"Yes," Kim Junsu answered obstinately, his eyes narrowing as he observed Yunho quizzically, "I did."

"What did you like about the furniture, why did you set it up like this?" Yunho said, slightly distracted as his eyes roved from object to object.

"I can call the police on you, you know." Kim Junsu avoided answering, and Yunho knew why. Because he didn't know why JaeJoong did it, why JaeJoong bought it. He didn't know. Therefore he couldn't answer the question.

"Go ahead," Yunho said nonchalant as walked into a small bedroom. Almost empty, clean exept for a bed, a nightstand, and 2 racks of clothing. He eyed the bed carefully, but proceeded to the closet, his brows drawn together as he felt his eyes swell with tears as he opened the doors to the closet.

   Citrus and musk, Jaebaby.

"Where is he?" He mumbled; his voice choked as he nuzzled his head against a familiar sweater. His insides shook, making him lose his composer. "Please tell me. I know JaeJoong was here, that he lived here."

"I don't know what you mean," Kim Junsu said quietly from the doorway. "I told you I don't know this Kim JaeJoong."

"Citrus and musk," Yunho said, somewhat disorientated. "This room, smells of citrus and musk. JaeJoong's smell." Yunho said with a pained smile, "This sweater," he continued, as he hugged the sweater in his arms. The red cotton fabric felt warm on his skin.

   Red looks good on your skin Jae.

      Really Yun? Buy me this then.

"He told me to buy him this sweater. Because - I told him he looked good in red." Tears fell fast down his pale cheeks, his chest heaving slightly as his shoulders shook. Abruptly, he made his way out the room and into the living room, "your living room, your furniture - everything to the last detail, is as I have it in my apartment. Don't you see Kim Junsu, I know JaeJoong hasn't forgotten me"

   I need to find him -

               I need to find him -

                           I need to find him

"Have you come to take him back?" Kim Junsu asked, his hands finding its way onto Yunho's shaking shoulder. "Don't cry anymore. My cousin would have thought you looked stupid if he saw you now."

"Yes." Yunho smiled at the thought of JaeJoong's face, looking at him with a teasing smile. Stupid, Yun-ah. Stupid stupid Yun-ah. "He would have."

Yunho left the Hotel, he jerked his head up, his eyes blinking in the sunlight.

                                                                                       JaeJoong left you too?

Come find me Yun-ah, Come find me. Find-find-find-find-find-find me.

Chapter '11; Ghost

i.

Yunho was awakened by the sound of footsteps, followed by his front door opening and closing, "Who - who is it?" he called out - one eye slowly opening "Junsu?"

Silence greeted him as he realized where he was. He was back home now, back home from a failed trip to Las Vegas in search for JaeJoong. "Shit," Yunho whispered under his breath, "It must have been a dream."

He found himself staring up at the ceiling, one hand pressed against the side of his head as his heart hammered audibly in his chest. Sunlight had poured through the curtains of Yunho's bedroom window causing slits of sun  to dance on the walls of his bedroom. Slowly, he turned his head to face his digital clock, "It's nine already?" Yunho groaned, examining the space around him.

His room was just as he left it the night before. His luggage's at the foot of his bed and his plane tickets scattered on the floor. Yunho had just come back home from Las Vegas the night before. Exhausted from his travels, he had gone back to his apartment and went straight into bed, not bothering to change into more comfortable clothing.

His eyes then strayed to his bedroom door. It was wide open, revealing an empty hallway leading to the living room. His eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement. Slowly, Yunho got up from his bed and walked to his door, grabbed the doorknob and gripped it tightly.

"I closed this," he whispered to himself, "didn't I?

Someone was here

JaeJoong

Someone -

JaeJoong

Yunho walked around his apartment, his eyes scanning for any indifference. He sighed at the realization there was none, and walked into the kitchen. He pressed his hands against the counter as he scanned his apartment one last time. This time, memories of JaeJoong flooded his mind, and he found himself trying to remember the last words he ever said to him.

"Was it, I'm sorry?" Yunho asked himself. Mindlessly, he shook his head and grabbed a black mug out of his cupboard and realized a thin layer of dust had formed at the bottom of the mug, "shit."

Quickly, he turned his body to the sink. There, he found one red mug with a white letter J in the sink - JaeJoong's mug. Yunho hesitated as he reached for the single mug.

"How -" Yunho whispered again as he grabbed the mug and cupped it between his palms. The mug had been half empty, still warm with green tea and a lemon slice, "JaeJoong - you."

Within a second, Yunho was out the door, running down the hall, getting into the elevator and running the streets of Seoul - his eyes darting in all directions as regret filled his insides. "Why didn't I get up faster!" he screamed at himself.

  You were scared

        Why would I be

            You were scared to see him again

                ...

ii.

"He's back in Seoul," Yunho said, a soft smile forming on his lips, "and he came to see me."

He clapped his hands onto the tiles of his shower stall as he took a shower in a hurried state. Excitement and worry plagued him - he wanted to see him, he searched for so long, - and yet if he couldn't find him. Did it mean it was time for him to stop looking - that it was time for him to let JaeJoong go.

Yunho inspected his appearance in the bathroom's glass mirror, "Shit, Yunho," he sighed. Age had not caught up to him as he expected it would have due to his many sleepless nights and work, but he looked exhausted, and that wasn't a handsome sight. A sight that he didn't want to face JaeJoong with - but Yunho was out on the streets again within fifteen minutes after his shower in search for JaeJoong.

"Where do I start?" He sighed. In the months after Bae's death, JaeJoong left his company and disappeared. His fans had formed search teams to find their hiding celebrity, and every now and then there would be a picture here and there informing fans that he was still alive and doing well, until it just stopped altogether. Like a ghost, JaeJoong just vanished and life went on.

"Hey," a man's voice called out to him.

"Hey," Yunho responded politely, "I'm guessing you know, Changmin." He walked up to the man who leaned against the hood of Yunho's car - arms crossed.

"Not really," Changmin slightly mocked, "I guess that is why I'm here."

"He is back in Seoul. I think he visited my home," Yunho replied, and Changmin nodded. "You - don't know where he is do you?"

"I wouldn't be here if I knew Yunho," Changmin said softly, "well, I just - wanted to know if your search was successful." He stood up straight and began to walk away from Yunho, and without turning back to bid Yunho goodbye, Changmin said, "please visit me when you find him. I miss him."

"I will- " Yunho replied softly, the ringing of his cellphone cutting him off, "Hello?"

"Hello Dr. Jung." A female voice responded, "welcome back to Seoul. I just wanted to remind you that you have a patient coming in today at twelve."

Yunho shook his head in disbelief, "Can you cancel it please, Ms. Song? Reschedule it for another day."

"I'm sorry Dr. Jung. But canceling would be impossible, it is quite urgent." His secretary objected firmly and Yunho pursed his lips in contemplation.

"Yes, I understand. I'll be there." Yunho answered defeatedly and hung up. Slamming his fist onto the hood of his car, he swore. He didn't have time to worry about his patients. He needed to find JaeJoong as fast as possible. Looking at his watch, he saw that he had an hour to search the city for JaeJoong.

iii.

Yunho was late.

"Ms. Song, has my patient arrived?" Yunho asked his secretary, "I walked passed the waiting room and no one was there yet."

"I suppose not," she responded with a half-smile, "I was gone for five minutes though. Possibly he went out for some air."

Yunho nodded and walked to his office. He took the key to his office out of his pocket and grasped the door handle, and realized his door was unlocked. "I could have sworn I locked this," he said in disbelief as he turned the handle, slightly opening the door.

"You're late" A soft airy voice called out to him.

Yunho snapped his head up toward the unexpected voice, "JaeJoong."

Avoiding Mirrors;

Chapter Twelve

"annyooong," Jaejoong answered his cellphone, his voice husky with sleep. He rolled over in bed, placing his iphone onto his pillow as his clumsy fingers pressed speaker phone, "yeeees, ye-yeees Changminshiiii. Yes," he mumbled nonchalantly. He was slowly finding sleep but was quickly jolted, "what! why would you tell him where I am?"

Jaejoong instantly jumped out of bed - eyes wide open, "how could you do this to me Changminshii." Jaejoong said softly before hanging up and throwing his cellphone onto his bed. With a sigh of disbelief, Jaejoong placed his hands on his hips and glanced at his alarm clock, "shit, I have to leave don't I."

"Oh, you're up?" A surprised voice interrupted Jaejoong's thoughts. Appearing before Jaejoong was his cousin Junsu, a coffee mug in hand  and a confused look on his face as he leaned against Jaejoong's door frame. He had an odd smile on his lips as he watched his cousin pace around his room, grabbing his clothes from his closets and tossing them onto his bed in a frenzy. Within one minute, the room looked as if a tornado hit it, "what are you doing now?"

Junsu eyed Jaejoong carefully - because Jaejoong had his crazy sporadic moments. He was unpredictable that way. "Are you going somewhere?"

"Changmin told Yunho I was here," Jaejoong muttered, jerking his head to face Junsu. Taken aback, Junsu frowned at his cousin who was staring at him pointedly, if looks could kill - Junsu thought to himself. As if Jaejoong heard his thoughts, he then quickly resumed placing messily folded clothing into his luggage, "I need to leave."

"Instead of running away, why don't you just face him," Junsu suggested. He sipped his coffee - hot liquid kissing his lips, he licked his upper lip and sighed. He stared at Jaejoong thoughtfully, unsure of what to say or do. Junsu loved his cousin, and he wanted Jaejoong to be happy and he finally was, he was finally better and he believed that confronting Yunho was the last stage to his full recovery, whether it was a final goodbye or a longed for reunion.

"You," Jaejoong started, "you just going to stand there," Jaejoong asked annoyed, "you're not going to help?"

"Should I help you?" Junsu teased, "I should want you to leave - maybe then I could find a woman and get married instead of taking care of you all the time."

Jaejoong smirked at that, "who would take you," he said looking Junsu up and down, "you can't even bother to dress up nicely. How do you expect to attract a woman? Should I just leave you my clothes, will that help you Junyah." Jaejoong asked with sarcastic sympathy, a satisfied smile plastered menacingly on his well rested face.

"Yeees," Junsu said with a hard nod, "I want you to go. Now, go now. Don't pack - just leave and I'll send them out to you, sound good?" Junsu joked, his eyes wide as he motioned for Jaejoong to leave the apartment suite, making Jaejoong laugh. It was an unresistable laugh that made Junsu feel good all over. "Where do you plan on going?"

"Anywhere," Jaejoong shrugged, "I have enough money to live comfortably anywhere - maybe, Canada - Canada," He pronounced in English perfectly. This time, Junsu had a decision to make and he wasn't sure if it was time to make it.

"Jaejoong-yah," Junsu began, his voice trailing off as he left Jaejoong's room and ventured off to his room next door to retrieve a letter Changmin had given him to give Jaejoong when he thought it was time to do so. It was a letter from Yunho to Jaejoong, "you should read this." He added, handing the letter to a flustered Jaejoong. He looked at Junsu, his eyes puzzled - questioning, his lips parting and forming an 'O'.

"Yunhoyah," Jaejoong whispered, his slender fingers rubbing the envelope as his fingers slightly trembled, "how did you - " Jaejoong stopped himself.

"It was sent to Yoochun's place as fan mail. He gave it to Changmin who gave it to me. He wanted me to give it to you when I thought the time was right. To be honest - I could never find a right time." Junsu paused, "but I wanted you to get better first, and when you finally were I still couldn't give it to you. I'm sorry."

Jaejoong's eyes clouded with anxious tears as he slowly opened the letter. He stared at it for a long moment, before a gasp escaped his parted lips, "it's not from Yunho - this was from Bae."

"Yunho's wife?" Junsu asked as he stepped forward towards Jaejoong, his head tilting as he peered at the letter, "why would she send you a letter?"

"She's dead Junsu," something flickered in Jaejoong's eyes and his face abruptly darkened. "She had cancer." Jaejoong heaved a strangled cry, regret coating his insides as he remembered how he treated her, remembered how he hated her. But he had it all wrong, he skimmed the letter over one last time, a letter that told him - "he loved me all along." Jaejoong finally let his tears fall.

"I'm sorry," Junsu said with a thick throat, "I didn't know. I was worried it would hurt you. But instead - by keeping this from you, I hurt you."

Jaejoong wiped his tears, and nodded his head. "It's not your fault Junyah, it was mine. I was the one that left without listening to him. Everything is my fault." He resumed packing, head hung low as he cried to himself and all Junsu could do was watch silently. It was then that Junsu knew that no matter what he said, Jaejoong was leaving.

So he poured Jaejoong a cup of hot coffee and helped him pack. They packed in comfortable silence where neither of them needed to explain anything. They were fine that way.

By three pm, Jaejoong was waiting in line to be boarded, a shining smile on his face and a ticket in his hand. "You're going back to Seoul," Junsu said, "have you decided what you wanted to do?" Jaejoong nodded thoughtfully.

"Dont worry Junyah, I'll come back to see you," Jaejoong said giving Junsu one last hug before taking a step forward towards the boarding station, "it's time for me to go back to my home."

Junsu was unsure by what Jaejoong meant by 'my home', from what Junsu knew - Jaejoong had no home in Seoul, but wherever this place was, Jaejoong - with a bright smile on his face, was ready to go back.  

Avoiding Mirrors;

Final Chapter

Jaejoong timed it perfectly. He always timed it perfectly,

With silent footsteps, Jaejoong cautiously walked passed Yunho's secretary's desk and followed the empty hall that led right to Yunho's office. Yunhoyah, he thought to himself as he took a quick glance behind him, you should really get a security camera.

He took out two long bobby pins out of his pocket once he had reached Yunho's door, tilting his head to the side as he frowned at the two pins in his hand in wonderment. He wasn't quite sure if his lock-picking skills were as up-to-par as they once were. Thoughts of running flooded his mind -

      Quickly Jaejoong,

                    What if it doesn't work.

                                           Shut-up. it will.

                                                           If it doesn't, I'm running.

Jaejoong gripped  the door handle and inserted both pins into the keyhole, finding its center and gently twisting until he heard a - click. Yes, Jaejoong was so pleased with himself that he almost erupted into laughter for doubting himself. But instead he smiled, a wide smile that had reached his eyes - a smile that quickly faded once he entered Yunho's office. Almost immediately, Jaejoong felt his legs go limp. The sight of their past love nest made Jaejoong tremble that he considered leaving and never turning back.

"You're back where you belong now Jaejoong," He whispered to himself as he expelled a shaky breath.

Jaejoong walked into the office and closed the door in a way that it wouldn't make the door creak. He circled the office once - twice - three times as memories flooding his mind of sweet whispers, gentle touches and soft kisses. He remembers the first time Yunho kissed him as he traced his index finger along the leather frame of the chair he had been sitting on the first time they laid eyes on each other - Yunho's chair. He remembers their love making as he gripped the edge of the desk.

Almost instantly, Jaejoong was trying to fight the surge of panic running through his body as he sat down in Yunho's leather arm chair. He clasped his hands together in a prayer stance and silently cried to himself. His heart ached as he mentally relived lost memories with the man that meant the world to him. And now two years later, not an ounce of his love for Yunho-yah dissipated.

He laid his head on the desk, his clouded eyes finding a framed picture of Bae before him. A soft and quite lonely smile on her face, her eyes clear and piercing as her eyes looked down at Jaejoong, "Bae-shii, I'm sorry." he whispered to the picture, "but I loved him too. Forgive me."

A state of fatigue overwhelmed him as he found himself closing his eyes, tears slowly running down his face. Eventually, the tears dried and Jaejoong found rest.

"Jaejoong - "

Yunho's voice trembled as he closed his eyes, a slow deep breath escaping his lips.

"Dr. Jung," The voice said softly, "come sit."

Yunho shook his head, afraid that if he opened his eyes Jaejoong would disappear. It happened to him many times before - his mind constantly played tricks on him, making him see Jaejoong when he never really was there.

      Open your eyes Yunho

                                   No, I cant.

                                            Open them now

Slowly, Yunho opened his eyes finding Jaejoong still before him. A faint smile lingering on his rose tinted lips as his dark brown eyes crinkled in amusement. "Dr. Jung, you look like you've seen a ghost." Jaejoong teased as he leaned back against the chair's leather cushions, And slowly, so slowly, Yunho was walking towards Jaejoong, his eyes scanning  Jaejoong's features. His hair was longer now, his blonde locks now replaced with jet black hair. Jaejoong looked different and yet, he was every bit the same. He was just as beautiful as he remembered - as if age had touched him with a delicate hand.

"I've been searching for you and - " Yunho's voice caught and he couldn't continue. He had prepared himself for this moment, often rehearsing it in his head - there were so many things Yunho wanted to say - to ask and yet he stood before Jaejoong silently, his words caught in his throat.

Just the sight of Jaejoong made Yunho tremble, and yet a dream-like state had overcome his body. As if Yunho was suspended in time, he felt as though he were floating, no - he felt weightless. Yes, weightless.

"I know," Jaejoong replied with a shaky sigh, "I'm sorry Yunho-yah."

       Did you hear?

                       He said Yunho-yah

                                             Yes, he said Yunho-yah.

"I've missed you." Yunho watched as Jaejoong paused to consider his words, and then almost suddenly his face changed - his features childlike, almost - innocent. "I've miss you so much Jaejoong-ah." He repeated again.

"I know." Jaejoong's voice silenced all of Yunho's insecurities. Jaejoong's upper lip quivered as he spoke, his voice soft and low. For a brief moment, Jaejoong looked down at his hands, then raised his eyes and looked directly at Yunho - his lips softening into a slight curve, "I missed you so much I could die."

In three quick steps, Yunho fell to his knees before Jaejoong.

"Yunho-yah - " Jaejoong said faintly as he watched Yunho fall to his knees. He turned the chair to face Yunho and he thinks he felt his heart skip a beat, just like the first time he laid eyes on Yunho. Without a word, Yunho wrapped his arms around Jaejoong's waist as he pressed the side of his face to Jaejoong's chest.

Shit, Yunho thought to himself. He was crying now, heavy sobs of mixed emotions. Words couldn't express the state of euphoria that had overcome him, after two long years - he was finally embracing the man that meant the world to him.

Jaejoong affectionately stroked Yunho's hair with slender trembling hands.Yunho-yah, you've gotten skinnier, "I've missed you too Yunho-yah," Jaejoong stifled a cry, his face contorting as he tried to suppress the urge to cry as he did earlier. He gritted his teeth and pulled back his lips as he took a painful breath. I've missed your touch Yunho-yah.

As much as Jaejoong regretted leaving Yunho without a word, he believed that maybe - just maybe things happened for a reason. Maybe Yunho was supposed to marry Bae and give her the best life while Jaejoong got better with the help of his family, Junsu-yah. Maybe after all, this was their love story. 

Yunho looked up at Jaejoong, his face wet with tears, "I've never stopped loving you Jaejoong-ah - I never will," Yunho mumbled, wrapping his arms around Jaejoong tighter. "Please don't leave again."

Inspite of himself, a rush of hot tears filled Jaejoong's eyes and with that, Jaejoong cried again.

Few words were needed to be said, the expressions on both their tear stained faces said enough.

      I've never stopped loving you.

"No," Jaejoong said wiping his lover's tears with his fingers, "you are my home. There is no where else I should be."

"Jaejoong-ah," Yunho said, tilting his head as he looked down at his lover. "Do you think people will still recognize you?"

"I don't really care anymore," Jaejoong smiled, a truly carefree smile that made Yunho smile back. He took his lovers hand in his as they walked down the streets of Seoul, "I want us to talk Yunho-yah, about everything. I want to tell you everything."

And they did, they talked for hours, days and nights. Talking about the past - talking about the future. They aimed to discover each other once again, but this time with no more secrets and no more lingering shadows.

"Yunho-yah," Jaejoong whispered as he casted a longing eye towards the taller man. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything." Yunho responded immediately as he stroked his lover's cheek.

"Can you kiss me here."

And without another word, Yunho leaned in and kissed his lovers lips. And it was simply - magical. It was indescribable the feelings that Jaejoong could give Yunho, just utterly - undescribable.  The kiss made Yunho's heart both stop and race - a contradiction, but Jaejoong was always just that - a contradiction. Yunho loved him as just that.

Suspended in time, Jaejoong and Yunho kissed in middle of the street, as people walked passed them. Without a care in the world, they kissed to their hearts content.

Jaejoong was the one to break the kiss, a sigh of adoration as he looked at Yunho with loving eyes, "Yunho-yah, lets go home."