July 2005

You know what sucks? To be discriminated by your own race, your own kind, just because you are different, or should I say, not Malay enough.

University iTM was established with an aim to nurture the minds of indigenous Malaysians, including Malays, Iban, Bidayuh, Dayak and alike. Majority of the students in the South Campus here are Malays. So when you have a single race dominating the campus, you get a toxic culture.

I abhor this campus for having typical shallow minded students and staff. I got a fair share of ragging by seniors, received repulsive look from the seniors and peers while the male students cat calling me like I'm a slut with no dignity.

Simply because of two things.

I'm a city girl while this campus are predominantly occupied by outskirts locals. They filled their minds with superficialities that urban/city dwellers are bastardised by western lifestyles and uprooted Malay cultures. So, they berated us for it, flaunted their rural supremacy in unison and instilled inferiorities on people like me just to be seen as eminent.

Secondly, I belong to the minority group of girls who don't wear hijab (headscarves). We are called the free hair girls and we are deemed as liberal undignified whores for it. Although they are no rule to say headscarves are mandatory, it is impliedly that we should.

Even if I wear something decent just to blend in; long sleeve shirt/t-shirt, a tie, baggy jeans and sneakers - Avril Lavigne style, I still get eyeballed from the fault-finding campus cops to slap me with compound tickets.

Then, it dawned upon me that I'd still be labelled as inappropriately dressed eventhough I had a garb on that can fit two persons in it. It's because I'm a free hair girl.

Is it fair? So, what the heck? I remained my Avril Lavigne style without hijab and be true to myself. Hence why I land myself on the 'Most Retched List' nominated by almost every one in the campus.

            ☀️🍀⭐🌟☀️🍀⭐🌟

A couple of years passed and I'm now in my fourth semester, already a senior. The lame seniors have left while the campus filling in with new amicable faces. But I'm still traumatised by the cold hard stares from students everywhere in this campus.

"You just weigh on 5% of haters' opinion over the remaining 95 who look up to you. That doesn't add up, does it?" Adia, my campus best friend lectured me last week. "Have you not considered the friendship you've created? Like your debating friends or the difficult lecturers who favour you? Your good friend Johan? Have you not considered me?"

"Then, why does the amount of souring glances pass me by the walkway with much aversion?" I argued.

"You don't know what's on their mind, Sof. They might be having depression too. They might be pondering through you but not eyeballing you," she says optimistically. "Some paranoias are best to be disregarded before they consume you whole."

"I wish people whom I adore would care a little more," I sighed.

"Don't we all?"

I still want to believe that people in this campus hate me regardless. So to hell with that 95%, I should've ended my life from the day Jocelyn disapproved of me. Now, I just prolong my depression by keeping myself alive.

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Photo of Avril Lavigne on banner - https://www.zimbio.com

Check out her video Sk8er Boi below

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIy3n2b7V9k