CHAPTER THIRTY | She Feels

"WAKE UP, YOU méchante chienne," Cora's voice boomed in her still asleep ears as the door to her room was roughly pushed back. Her kinky curls at the top were pulled into a partial, ballerina updo with the rest of the curls tied in a low pony tail at the bottom. She looked gorgeous.

"I brought your favorite black bean and lentil chilli," Cora entered the frame with a dish of my least favorite meal, her lips pulled into a teasing smirk. Lifting my head from the pillow, I propped up on my elbows and tried to take a peek outside the room. Keeping the sneer on my face, I rested my back against the bed post and grabbed the hot bowl from Cora.

"If you're wondering, as you should wonder, Sebastion didn't leave for his house. He's still here teaching Debby how to listen to the trees singing."

Cora seated herself on my bed, in front of me. "Why did you hurt him, SJ?" She asked softly. "He didn't hurt us nor did he betray any of us but you still hurt him."

"I don't want to talk about it," I muttered, stirring the spoon around in the bowl. I really did lose it last night and lashed out on Sebastion. Crossing my fingers over my wrist, I remembered how he had followed me despite the warning. He could have stayed inside, safe and warm but he chose to run after me. Who does that?

At least now, he won't ever pity you.

No. No. He is better then that. His stupid brain chose to pledge loyalty to us when we tried to torture him. I saw the gloom in Holly's eyes turning over a new leaf when he was with her. He earned a soft spot in Cora's otherwise cold heart.

When others would actually avoid talking about John, he presented himself to be Holly's whisperer. Each and every thing that he did was a proof of his thriving, prospering loyalty to us. Why was he like this? Why was the son of a bitch so damn...pure?

The soft crease in his jaw, becoming a slight dimple, and those gentle eyes closing when he'd laugh, wasn't it enough to prove his loyalty? His every action contributed to helping us out and when he was in danger, he knew he could call upon us. Why did he call us?

No. Wrong. Wrong.

He fears me now. I've scared him into going back to his little shell but earning fear out of people is better then fishing out pity from people's mouths. Fear doesn't hurt in the long run. Pity makes you feel like you're at the mercy of their decisions, as if you're awaiting their self proclaimed trial. Pity renders you with the strength you were hiding. It destroys the little seed of self worth. I hated pity because deep down, I knew that I deserved pity. When you go through a lot, you only get pity. Not encouragement, just plain old 'sorries'.

Now Sebastion would never pity me. He'd fear me. He'd learn to go silent in my presence.

I put her head in her palm, eyes lowered at Cora's turquoise ring. He was innocent. Cora was right. The blood that I allowed to fall was an innocent's blood. Those deep gashes that I left on his wrists would never counter his sins because he had no sins. He didn't deserve it. His heart was pure.

Being powerful and strong, I saw that as a chance to take advantage of that and abused my powers to hurt an innocent to satiate my fears. My fears caused him his life. The fear of being too vulnerable made me lose myself in this darkness that I've caged inside me for too long.

You must be real strong to hurt the weak, Savannah. So strong.
No.
Sebastion didn't deserve it.
I'm so, so sorry.

"You look like you're in a predicament," Cora wondered aloud, her tone softer. "SJ, if you are sorry, then let it happen."

"Leave, Cora. Leave."

Cora shook her head, grabbing the bowl from me. "SJ, if you continue to be like this, you'll have nothing and no one by your side. I know you're an amazing person but you're hiding your real self behind these layers and layers of grime. Dust away that and get your shit together. We're family, you and me. Please SJ, you gotta get out of your turmoil on your own."

After concluding this, she left. I could have shut her up by tossing the bowl to the floors or make a scene by yelling at her but I didn't. I didn't want to. I had wronged someone who was as pure as an angel. And I was sorry.

***

My silhouette in the mirror was nothing like how I had imagined myself to be while growing up. Instead of the piercing grey eyes that held wonder for this vast world, I found a dotting blue shielding my eyes. A cover.

I was an imposter to myself. Leaning down, I pushed the tap open. Water struck the ceramic sink and I remembered those empty nights spent in the bathroom, staying locked up and away from Forrest's dirty intentions. It seemed like the tiles were breathing down on me, mocking me for the pathetic tears that marred my face. That was the last time I was terrified because after this, I killed him.

Burrowing my hands under the water, I threw a handful of it onto my cold face. My pain was only mine. I shouldn't have dragged Sebastion into it. He was clueless, he had no idea.

Closing the water tap, I ran my fingers through the dark strands and scrunched them up in a low bun. My roots were turning brown. I needed to redye them into black. When I got out of the shower, I decided to wear something else. Usually, I'd wear a silk wrap and be done with it but right now, I wanted to wear something that wouldn't set me apart from others. I wanted to see Sebastion.

Natalie had bought me a this loose off-the-shoulder crop top with a plunging neckline and baggy sleeves. Under that, I wore my usual jeans before climbing the stairs down to the living room.

The war that was waging inside my heart grew intense when I saw Holly in the open kitchen, her form bending in front of the oven. Delilah was in the kitchen too. She was cooking something on the stove that I didn't care about asking.

Cora was lounged in front of the T.V and Natalie was on the same couch, her feet in a tub. I didn't wanted to know about that. She was texting someone.

Sebastion and Deborah were missing.

"Oh hey, SJ." Natalie peeked at me, her perfectly made brows arching in surprise. "You look good," she breathed out and then twisted herself to completely face me. "Like really good."

"Bastion is outside," Cora loudly interfered. "Backyard."

Pocketing my hands in my back pocket, I found myself walking towards the backyard. The glass doors were slid close but I could still see him seated at the marbled verandah outside with Debby. She was reading something to him.

Those raven curls were set atop his head like a hat, ocean eyes filled with the same innocent wonder that he always sported. The straight nose was perked up at the end and the lips were pulled into a full smile. Then he pulled back his head to douse himself in his own laughter.

My fingers found the latch and I gently stood there, only to pull at it with gritted teeth and clenched fists. It slid open and immediately Sebastion's attention shifted to me.

"Hi, SJ." Debby waved, before she got up. "I think I should go, maybe I'm wanted inside."

She left, taking her book with her. Sebastion awkwardly pulled his sleeve down to hide the white bandages on his left wrist before turning his gaze away from me. "H-Hey." His voice came out hoarse so he cleared his throat.

I let my walls down just for this once and sat beside him, crossing my legs. My hands were tucked into my lap, the glint of my silver, thin bracelet distracting me. I began to fondle with it as I felt the warmth of the sun outside. The grass looked drier then before and weed grew everywhere. Few of the potted plants were broken but right now, I was breaking down too. Breaking under the pressure being exerted by my conscience.

"Does it...hurt?"

I wanted to badly stay rooted to my earlier decision of being cut off from everyone's emotions but somehow, Sebastion's eyes were too darn expressive and heart too childlike. His parents never grew up which caused their child to be too darn innocent. Why must he be so naive and immune to all evilness?

I was utterly crushed when he slowly pulled his sleeve up. "It hurt when it was fresh but not anymore."

His eyes were concentrated, brows furrowed at the wrist but his tone wasn't vindictive or accusing. I hated him. I hated how he still didn't hate me for doing all this to him. I hated how he was still talking to me. I wronged him but he was alright with it.

Was this guilt?

"I am sorry," I let it all out. His jaw fell open, eyes widening with surprise. "Er-of course, yes. It-It's alright. Wow."

The injured hand that was in his lap came to rest next to him. A look of relief passed over him. Maybe he was hiding his wrists from me, in case I hurt him again but now that I apologized, he placed it back. Maybe it was causing him pain but not anymore. Why did that make me feel contented?

"I'm sorry too because if I hadn't insisted you, you would never have lashed out and lost control."

He was apologizing? Why?

"I-I don't know if I should regret telling you those things about me. I don't like associating myself with that past and-"

"Everything that you told me last night, it was your story and it only made me respect you more. Savannah, you're not a...monster."

"I killed him. I killed-"

"Alec's brother John and the school's captain of the football team Logan Price. Maybe, Natalie's first boyfriend too," he quickly let out with increased speed. "I'm sorry," he added in the end when he saw my expressions turning from neutral to annoyance.

"How do you know I killed Natalie's first boyfriend?" I sneered at his cautious gaze, incredulously.

"I woke up early today and kind of, maybe eavesdropped on Delilah talking to Holly. I shouldn't have but you know how forbidden things are tempting." With that being said, he blew out air from the side of his mouth and looked down at his lap, unable to meet my gaze.

A scoff escaped me. "You heard wrong. He cheated on Natalie and so did John. Logan leaked his ex-girlfriend's nudes. They deserved everything which came to them."

I was gaining more confidence when I realized that Sebastion was least bothered by the gashes I left on him. Maybe a little but it was alright because Sebastion wasn't a petty soul.

"Savannah, you don't know this and please don't act in haste if I tell you something. John, Alec's brother, never cheated on his girl. Yeah, it sounds like a drag but Holly acted out of spite. That's why she's lamenting more then she should. She lost a guy she loved and whom she could have saved if she hadn't told you anything. John was an innocent. "

What the fuck was he on about? "What the fuck are you saying?" I spat. "She told me on her own that he was seen in another girl's bed and when she confronted him about it, he laughed at her face. She was embarrassed."

I still remember that day clearly. I had come back from a successful drug deal when Holly came out running from her room. I hate him so much. He cheated, SJ. He cheated on me. Those were her first words and I remembered calling a meeting before ordering Cora to kidnap the said guy.

Was Sebastion lying?

"No one was wrong in that situation. They fought and he must have said something hurtful to her. She lashed out by pushing him away and coming to talk to you. You did what was expected. You killed him for Holly and now Holly's regretting everything," he concluded quietly, eyes fixated on the distant rose bush.

The stupid fucker could think. Who would've known?

"Some things are better off as unexplained," I retorted. Sebastion nodded obediently. I let my fingers hover above his bandaged wrist and allowed them to tenderly caress the wrist. He breathed in deeply, eyes closing briefly.

I put pressure on his wrist. He winced." Ow," he groaned.

Leaving his wrists alone, I grimaced. "It still hurts, doesn't it?"

"A little bit," he softly remarks with a small smile. "But it's okay, I'm fine."

Sebastion was something else and no one could deny that.

"I THINK I SHOULD walk. Walking is good for the heart," I cut through Natalie who was ready to offer me a ride home. Natalie shrugged and turned back to her phone, probably resuming her conversation with the Unknown.

"Don't put too much pressure on your wrist," Holly suggested quietly, worried eyes glancing at the wrist. I chuckled.

"Yeah, don't beat you junk until your hands are able to lift things." Cora reminded us of her presence by appearing from behind me. God.

My eyes were searching for Savannah when I almost fell forward because Cora had rammed down her palm on my ass. Woah. I got spanked by a girl?

I let out an awkward cough to cover up my embarrassment. "We'll meet tomorrow in school. See you." I turned my head around to spot Cora smirking at me. "Cute," she complimented me. Or my ass, I wasn't sure.

Savannah freaking James had apologized. To me. Although she wasn't blatant but I could feel the apology and guilt dripping through her sentences. My heart squeezed in my chest as I saw her disappearing into a room. She didn't bid me good bye but her apology was enough.

After all that she'd gone through, she didn't have to apologize but she did. Shit.

When I reached home, I was famished. I tore off my dirty shirt and threw it into the laundry basket. Mom came out of the room, holding Al to her chest.

My dull eyes brightened a little when I saw the little angel in my mother's hands. Immediately taking her from mom, I kissed her chubby face. She giggled. Suddenly, I wasn't famished anymore.

"You stink, baby. Go take a shower first."

I shook my head teasingly and then tightened my hold on her. Mom's eyes trailed to the white bandages enveloped around my left wrist. "What is that?" Her tone got defensive. "Who hurt you now?"

"S-Some marks left from the mission, you know."

She saw right through my white lies. Her tone softened. "How is that girl holding up? Savannah, right?"

I nodded. "She's getting prettier," I mumbled, deciding to put Al in her little lounging crib.

"Getting prettier? Odd. That just means you're falling. Fast."

"That's impossible," I denied, stopping the urge to smile like an idiot. Wait, she fucking cut you and you're talking about falling for her? She apologized, didn't she? Mentally face-palming, I looked around.

"Mom, where's dad?"

"He's with Tessa."

"Hold up," I froze. "What's he doing with the Deputy?"

"He's not cheating, if you're wondering. I sent him to  redesign Tessa's apartment because her parents were coming to visit her den. She's a nice girl."

Work related, I see.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out. Alec was messaging me.

Alec
I'll pick you up tmrw for school
9:05 A.M.

Bastion
the girls are going to
9:06 A.M.

Alec
No, they won't.
I just said I'll pick you
9:07 A.M.

Bastion
Ok
Alec
If it helps u, they didn't kill your
brother out of cold blood.
9:08 A.M. Read.

Closing my phone, I started for my room.

Savannah apologized to me. She was getting better.

And prettier too.

A. N:

I truly want to know how you guys feel about Alec and is he on the right track? Should Seb be loyal towards the girls or him because they killed his younger brother?

-f.q.🥀