5 June 2014

6:32 pm

Are you at the party?

Leda

Be careful ok?

7:45 pm

Hey, I love you

Please don't do anything stupid

9:30 pm

ANSWER ME

I need to know you're okay

6 June 2014

1:35 am

I'm sitting outside your hospital room right now

You don't remember me anymore

I don't know why I'm still texting this number

7:21 am

She looks just like you

I don't know how i'm going to take care of her alone

I'm scared

7:30 am

I love you

10:21 pm

They couldn't save him

Fuck

I'm so sorry

7 June 2014

2:38 pm

I named her Clementine

16 June 2014

8:25 am

We're holding a funeral for him today

Your parents didn't even show up 

8:30 am 

I can't stop crying 

23 July 2014

3:00 am

She won't stop crying

She won't go to sleep

What do I do?

When are you coming back?

30 July 2014

5:03 pm

I moved in with my mom

Clementine babbles a lot

I don't think you will ever see these but it's my way of staying sane

I guess I'm just convincing myself that you're still there

Listening

19 September 2014

1:17 pm

This past month has been tough

I don't know what I'm doing

You would know what to say

Please say something.

23 September 2014

12:43 pm

Today was the day I first met you, our meet-anniversary.

I always hated it when you would call it that

I keep thinking you'll magically appear in front of me and remember everything

I just hope you're happy

6:53 pm

There's this quote you always said. It was in latin. At least that's what you told me. And I always remembered it

But I can't remember it anymore

It's only been three months yet it feels longer

What was the quote?

7:00 pm

Your mom won't answer my texts about you anymore

I just need to know if you're getting better

10:30 pm

You know, I think it's starting to set in that you might never remember me or maybe even who you were before the accident

I hate this feeling, I hate it

You won't remember the late night adventures in the forest, your grandma's recipes we would bake on a Saturday, the day you told me you were pregnant, our arguments about which movie to watch...

....my name

I still remember it all. Each and every moment

27 September 2014

11:59 am

I tried to see you today

Your mom wouldn't let me

5 October 2014

3:01 pm

It's all my fault

It's so stupid

All of it

I don't even know how the argument started after your graduation

You didn't let me finish what I was going to say

I never got to ask you and you just stormed off to the party

It's so stupid

I hate myself.

14 October 2014

7:04 am

Clementine was really fussy last night so I couldn't sleep

I'm so tired

Are you ever going to come back

4:03 pm

Your mom and dad blocked my number

I need to know if you're okay

I have to

31 October 2014

6:32 pm

It's Clementine's first Halloween and you're not here

I dressed her up in a daisy costume

It's the same one you pointed out once at that little baby boutique near the café

She loves it

1 November 2014

5:02 am

It feels weird to do things without you

Yesterday felt weird

Like a nightmare disguised as a dream

Everything felt like an illusion. It felt like if I touched something it would just turn to dust.

Come back. Please

3 November 2014

4:02 pm

I tried to visit you again

Nobody was home

I waited for three hours but no-one came back

I have a bad feeling

9:04 pm

The bad feeling hasn't gone away

I tried those breathing exercises you always forced me to do when I got anxious but they didn't work

I think you were always the one who got rid of my anxiety not the exercises

12 November 2014

2:12 pm

She has your hair and your smile

3:13 pm

I miss you

26 November 2014

9:03 pm

The thanksgiving table felt really empty this year.

My mom made sweet bean casserole just the way that you liked them. Even she's having a hard time with the possibility of you not recovering fully.

Clementine was the only one who made it not absolutely miserable

At this point I don't know if you'll ever remember me but I'm so grateful to remember you

I'm so grateful to be able to say that I once called you mine and will again in the future

Be careful out there, okay?

28 November 2014

3:43 am

Throughout our relationship, you would always tell me that you were happy to have someone strong to lean on. You would always say how I was your "guardian angel." You couldn't have been farther from the truth. I'm not strong. Without you, I feel fragile. But I think somewhere in our relationship I forgot who I was before we met. Somewhere in the middle, I forgot my weaknesses. You did that. And now that I don't have you by my side anymore, I feel myself slipping

But I can't right now, I need to stay strong for Clementine

4 December 2014

5:13 pm

Clementine said her first word today and you missed it. She said "Leyley." I wish you were here so you wouldn't miss any of the big milestones.

5 December 2014

3:04 pm

I talked to your parents today. They met me in a park because they didn't want you to stumble into me in your living room. They said that it's for the best if I don't try to see you anymore. They told me you were better but I don't know if I believe that. I need to hear you tell me that yourself. I brought up Clementine and the fact that she needs a mother and they told me that you weren't yourself, that you couldn't possibly care for a child right now. Your dad told me to move on. I can't. I won't.

I don't want to move on.

14 December 2014

4:06 pm

I think I'm slowly losing hope for our future.

I was just naive and stupid before. You won't remember me. How could you possibly? You're not allowed to see me.

So I guess this will be all that I'll ever have left of you

24 December 2014

7:30 pm

I wish Christmas miracles actually happened like in all the movies we watched this time of year

25 December 2014

12:00 am

Merry Christmas

Stay safe

31 December 2014

11:45 pm

Last New Years Eve you made me drive but didn't tell me where we were going. You just gave me the directions as we went and ignored all my questions. We drove to the middle of nowhere. There was nothing around us for miles but just the stars. You told me you wanted to start the new year with just me and only me, and thinking about that night still makes me smile.

I wonder what you're thinking about tonight.

1 January 2015

12:00 am

Happy New Year

I love you

27 January 2015

1:29 pm

I'm starting to forget what your perfume smelled like

The scent faded off of the navy blue sweatshirt you would always borrow

31 January 2015

9:00 pm

I ordered your usual at Panda Express

Chow Mein with grilled teriyaki chicken and honey walnut shrimp

Oh and the extra teriyaki sauce on the side

It tasted better when I would steal it off your plate

8 February 2015

9:02 am  

I visited his grave for the first time today 

Everything is starting to set in and I don't know how much longer I can deny it for

I can't do this

5 March 2015

12:30 am

My mom told me that I've changed a lot. She compared me to an old photo from a year ago, today. I look 10 years older than I did last year. 

I don't know how to stop it

20 March 2015

7:11 am 

Happy birthday love 

You turned 19 today

Last year for your birthday I rented out a small beachside house for the night. You always told me about how much you loved the beach at night. When you tried to explain to me why and couldn't, you offered to paint me a drawing of it the next time you went so that you could preserve at least some of its beauty.

So that's why when I rented the place, I also ordered a canvas and paint

The painting is still hanging up in my room

It's right next to the photo I took of you painting it

4 April 2015

4:34 pm

Clementine walked for the first time 

Where are you?

28 May 2015

6:23 am

Can you please come back?

I've been pretending that you're still there all this time and I'm sick of it 

I'm so done

It feels like I'm holding onto this thin thread, the last connection I have to you

Will you ever even see these?

How did you forget me?

9 June 2015

9:39 pm

My dad is sick

11 June 2015

8:21 am

He passed away 

8 March 2016

3:41 pm 

It feels like forever since I've seen or talked to you

By now I've begun to forget about the little things

Everything has been so hard

I never thought that I would have to imagine the rest of my life without you but recently I feel like  I had to

12 March 2016

5:21 pm

I met someone today

She asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with her

Can I?

10:23 pm

I just came back from the 'date' 

It went well 

We talked, she laughed, she kissed me on the cheek 

We share so much in common. She works at the same place as me. Has the same goals. We like the same movie. The movie that you couldn't stand to watch. She listens. She's beautiful. She has brown hair, lighter than yours. 

She loves kids.

But she's not you 

And that's not enough for me

I tried

20 March 2016

1:45 am 

Happy birthday

19 April 2016 

6:30 pm

I got the promotion

You probably don't care anymore but you would have if you still remembered me

or if you still loved me

5 June 2016

6:35 am

Today is the day

The day you graduated and the day that we talked for the last time

I miss you

23 September 2016

7:54 pm

I'm at the spot where you took me on our first date

Happy meet-anniversary 

18 November 2016

6:34 pm

Clementine keeps asking about her mother

I don't know what to tell her

Tell me what to tell her

23 September 2017

7:31 am

I saw you for the first time again today

Its funny how coincidences like this happen 

You wore a red coat

Just how I remember you

My girl

10:12 pm

Second time seeing you now

If feels like the Earth is moving back on its axis

24 September 2017

9:45 am

You don't like smoking anymore

I'm happy for you

Before I would have to hide the box when you weren't looking. Then you would get mad at me for doing that. 

It got to a point where you gave up on trying to find the boxes

I'm so proud of you

Sadly, I've fallen into your old habits

I still have 18 boxes left over from the ones I hid from you

20 October 2017

4:38 pm 

I visited his grave again today

8:13 pm

You're so stubborn 

I love it 

21 October 2017

4:45 am

I can't sleep

Going to our spot with you again was...

like a dream

That I'm scared to wake up from

You said the Latin phrase again 

But you still haven't told me what it means

I need to know

28 October 2017

11:28 pm

We danced under the moonlight on the beach

You were laughing and you just let yourself go to the music 

And your eyes got all bright and your cheeks red 

Then I lost myself with you

Only you can do that

God, I'm still utterly and irresistibly in love with you and you don't even know it 

29 October 2017

9:16 pm

I'm sorry 

I'm so sorry

I shouldn't have yelled 

Fuck

17 November 2017

7:30 am

You saw the ring

And you left

You didn't let me explain 3 years ago and you didn't let me explain now either

I'm starting to see a trend

I feel like we're doomed

23 December 2017

10:30 pm

You talked to me tonight again

I've missed you