Greg Heffley's POV

Hi, you may not know me. My name is Greg Heffley, and I'm a prostitute. I'm writing in Elmo's diary. He's says it's a journal, but it's actually a diary. What a fucking loser.

Some things you should know about me

-I contracted HIV after Rowley Jefferson fucked me at a dinner party 

-I have the cheese touch. My doctor said that between that and the HIV, I'm probably gonna die. The cheese touch is extremely deadly.

-I killed my little brother Manny. fuck you Manny.

-I dated Skye from Paw Patrol for about 2 years. Then she died. The police say it was an accident but I know that little bitch Ryder killed her.

-I like to draw. Mostly penises.

-dadhascommitedtaxfraud

-My brother Rodrick is inside the furnace. He's not dead. I feed him 3 times a day. He's doing great.

-My cousin Freddy died after we super glued him to the roof of the car while on a road trip. A pedestrian shot him and he flew into a lake.

-I have a huge crush on Whizzer Brown. 

-I burned down my house

-My mom is my manager. As you know, i'm a prostitute. I needed a manager and she asked to me mine. Thanks bitch

-I'm a member of the cult of Zoo Wee Mama.

A/N: What the fuck is this