You have stopped smiling at me, Korn. Your eyes are full of resentment. Did you know already? That I love you?    

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Release your fucking grip, Knock! Stop provoking me!

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August 3rd, 2018 - Bangkok

Having filmed TMW:TNC episode 12 all morning, now the entire crew is on lunch break. 

After eating, Farm and Fai wanted to have a little musical fun. I decided to join them for Ed Sheeran's "Perfect", haven't sung it in a while. 

I felt a slight jolt from you the moment my right palm came in contact with the skin on your left wrist, as if you didn't want my touch. But you did not flick my hand away. So I ignored the unpleasant thought that just crossed my mind. I grabbed your wrist,  pulled you from the break area into the unoccupied bed/dressing room where Farm and Fai were waiting. I pushed you down on the bed, then hurriedly started the live Instagram broadcast, afraid that you would run away if our fans were not watching.  

Farm's acoustic guitar really set the mood for the song. 

"I found a love for me. Darling, just dive right in. Follow my lead. ..." 

https://youtu.be/2Vv-BfVoq4g

Through the selfie cam, I was trying to look at your face, secretly analyzing your thoughts. But you kept shrinking your body down into the pillows. So, my mouth was singing the lyrics, yet my mind was on you. I couldn't convey any of the song's emotions. I lowered the phone to get you into frame, but you flopped right back out, offering only a forced smile and a stern expression. Your eyes were fastened on your tablet. My internal calm is in turmoil. 

It's obvious that you are uncomfortable with me. You have stopped smiling at me, Korn. Your eyes are full of resentment. Did you ... know already? That I love you?

I rushed into the restroom so no one could notice my panic. I couldn't stop rubbing my hands together, breathing rapidly, blinking frantically, thinking at lightning speed. What should I do now? I drooped on the toilet seat, with my head hanging lower than my knees, overwhelmed by the fright. 

Moments later, I washed my face, then looked at my reflection in the mirror, trying to calm down. You couldn't have known it. I haven't talked to you separately since I got back from Hawaii so there is no way that I made any mistake. The poster shoot yesterday was quick as well. And I was too sleepy because of the lingering jet-lag, so I probably did not do anything crazy. I must be over-thinking right now. 

This afternoon, we will film a reconciliation scene. We will need to do a long kiss, and then love-making. I am thrilled but anxious, concerned that I won't be able to contain my feelings.

You walked passed me as I exited the restroom. You looked troubled. Did not even glance at me. 

By the time you got back, my make-up was almost finished. You still had on a grim face. Your lips pursed. You are obviously trying to contain a frustration! So my heart dropped. This physiological response is too fast for the reasoning compartment in my cerebellum to grasp. A brief delay in respiration already caused a sharp pain in my sternum. My atrial cardiac muscles sent an electrical reminder to the rest of the heart chambers in a painful squeeze. I clasped the left side of my chest, my eyes were still following you to your make-up station.

Now we are standing in front of each other, before the numerous rolling cameras and the whole crew. It is supposedly in the early evening, in "our" apartment's kitchen, by the sink, where our characters will make amends through a passionate kiss. My heart is beating so fast that I have to clench my right hand to keep my body steady and my facial muscles relaxed. You still haven't looked at me, not until after the assistant camera operator clapped the clapperboard and the PD shouted "Action!"

When you turned your head toward me, I saw the fervent stare of your character, a longing and aching gaze full of loving desire. You are a genius actor! I couldn't help but kept my eyes fastened on your eyes. I swallowed, lightly tightened my vermillion borders. My left hand reached up to touch your jaw, gently fondled the body of your lower lip, then your cupid's bow. I wanted to devour your lips. The PD yelled "Cut!"

I breathed out heavily, slackened my shoulders as I turned to the PD for further instructions. But you just walked away in everyone's disbelief, heading for the courtyard. 

PD asked us to take 10. It's normal for actors to feel overwhelmed during some emotional scenes, so no one made a big deal out of it. But this is the first time you stepped away from a scene. Thus, I feared the worst, hesitantly ran after you.

Most of the courtyard was already in the next building's shade. Yet you stood in a sunny spot, hands on hips, back facing the door, looking toward the setting sun, probably squinting. I saw rage in your posture. 

I quietly approached you, still keeping a distance, then softly called your name. But you did not respond. Instead, you grabbed the front of your neck with your left hand, and slowly but aggressively massaging it, didn't say a word. Your body language said it all, Korn. You are feeling insecure, around me. 

It feels as though my world is crashing down. My heart twinges. You are standing in front of me, barely two steps, barely a reach. But you seem awfully far. 

Hastily, I stepped up, grabbed your right shoulder from behind, enunciating your name with difficulty.

"Release your fucking grip, Knock! Stop provoking me!" You fiercely swang your right arm and shoulder, flinging my hand off, still looking away. 

"Korn, I...." I couldn't say another word. I was so afraid that you would ask me to get lost, yet reluctant to push the conversation. So I forcefully grabbed your shoulder again, feeling hopeless. But you trembled. Is your body repulsed by me? 

I immediately released my grip, petrified at the thought that I disgust you. I walked away, in devastation. 

An eternality later, you came back to the set, kept looking intensely at me while our make-up was being retouched. Is that hate in your eyes, Korn? What shall I do? Even Coren wouldn't be able to help me in this desperate moment. 

The cameras are rolling. You are back, standing in front of me. My fingers are back, fondling the curve of your upper lip. Our eyes are fixed on each other. Your character is back. You reached up to hold my face with both hands. I could feel the tips of your fingers touching my ears and neck. You gently rubbed along my jaw line with both thumbs. You looked at me with love, then lightly bent your head. 

The moment your lips pressed on mine, time stopped. My breathing stopped. Every cell in my body also stopped metabolizing. As if I have yearned for this magical moment since the beginning of time, and now living it, in this split second. You are still so immersed in your character, but I have escaped from mine. I accepted your lips, giving them a passionate embrace with mine. I kissed you tenderly, feeling the tingling sensation sending down to the tips of my toes. I felt your lips kissing me back, so slowly, so invitingly, so desiringly. Then you gently stopped, removed your lips from mine, nuzzled my nose with a contented smile. It was so wonderful that I momentarily forgot the hateful gaze you casted on me earlier. Now you are looking at me, so happily. I heard the PD yell "Cut! It's a wrap!" and everyone else's clapping. You walked away again. This time, I walked in the opposite direction. 

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***Warning: adult content for next chapter