**** Content Warning: Jack will be discussing his trauma with a therapist****

My new therapist's office was bright, and someone had lined up Lego mini-figures on a shelf. Seeing Batman, Dobby the house-elf, a mermaid, Indiana Jones, and Medusa staring at me in Lego form was not helping my nerves.

A few colorful fish swam around a tank on the table in front of me. The couch I sat on was somewhat comfortable despite every bone in my body telling me to run from this place.

Anton insisted I come to counseling. He'd driven me here and was waiting in the lobby. My skin was itching, and I'd only been sitting in the therapist's office for two minutes.

The door opened. A short woman smiled at me. Her chestnut hair was in a severe bun that had several pencils and chopsticks going through it. She wore a bright yellow shirt and a dotted skirt.

"My name is Ellie," she said as she sat in the chair across from me. "And you're Jack, right?"

"Yes," I said. "I suppose you read about why I'm here in the news."

It felt like everyone seemed to know. Reporters wanted a scoop. Lawyers called to see if we wanted advice. Carson's parents had brought over enough casseroles to last Anton a week.

"I saw some, but I'd like to hear your perspective," Ellie said. "Tell me about yourself."

"I play football," I said. "I've been in a play at school. I'm popular enough that everyone has an opinion about my life. My social media has been blowing up, but I haven't looked at it."

"So, your father is going to trial," Ellie said. "That must be hard for you."

"I suppose," I said. "His anger tended to get the better of him."

Watching the fish swim around in the tank in front of me seemed easier than looking her in the eye. A blue fish swam around the bottom of the tank while a golden one with a long tail swam near the top of the tank, looking for a meal.

Ellie frowned a little bit. "Have you talked to anyone about this? Friends? Significant other? I know your uncle brought you here today."

"Not much," I said. "One of my classmates really helped me. Her mother is a doctor, and she stayed with my sisters at the hospital."

"Were you able to talk to her?" Ellie asked.

"Some," I said. "Since she was at the hospital, she knows more than most about the situation. I've always liked her and feel guilty about dragging her into this."

Shayna and I were texting. I guessed she got my number from the group chat or from one of the other play members. She'd never ever texted me before.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Ellie asked.

"No," I said. "And she kind of hates me. At least, she used to... I'm not so sure anymore."

"And what have you told her?" She asked.

"She knows about my father and that I had to testify," I said. "She saw me fall apart. No one's ever seen me fall apart. Not even my sisters."

Being vulnerable was hard, especially in front of Shayna. A nagging voice in the back of my head was still saying that she could use all of this against me. That tomorrow, she'd go back to hating me all over again.

Ellie brushed a stray hair behind her ear. "You've had to be strong for your sisters, then. Were you afraid they'd get hurt?"

"Always," the word choked up in my throat.

Maddy got an ugly haircut. Lilly broke her arm. Then Mary got shot. All I got was a black eye and a bullet graze. It didn't look like I tried hard enough to defend them."

"And then the worst happened," Ellie said. "Your sister got shot. Tell me about that."

I could still see the blood on my hands dripping down and staining everything. She was there in my jeep, lying helpless. I was scared. Lilly was expecting me to know what to do, but I didn't.

I didn't know what to do. That made me a failure. This was the end of the road for the boy who ran from his problems. There was nowhere left to run. It made me a failure.

"All I could do was drive away," I said. "The girls were terrified, and I didn't know what to do. We'd always hidden the incidents before, but her blood..."

The moment my hands were stained scarlet, I realized I was a fool and should have done something drastic long ago.

"We can stop if you need to," Ellie said. "Tell me something good. Tell me about your sisters."

"Maddy likes sports," I said, thankful for the distraction. "Mary is an artist. Dad didn't like her art. Lilly used to play volleyball. She was really good too. She liked playing clarinet, but Dad made her quit."

"What about you?" Ellie asked. "You said you play football, and you're in a play. Do you have other hobbies?"

Football had felt like my life ever since seventh grade when I made quarterback on the junior varsity team in middle school. Dad had been there cheering me on. All I wanted was to make him proud back then.

"I like to run," I said. "But Dad wanted me to choose football. I didn't really realize how much I liked acting until I joined Uncle Anton's play. Dad didn't like that either."

Ellie wrote something on her pad. "Your father's opinion sounds important to you."

"When he didn't get his way, he got mad," I said. "And when he got mad, bad things happened."

Even when I was younger, Dad would make my decisions. If I gave my opinion, he'd tell me that I was his son and he knew best.

Ellie nodded. "Ok. Tell me about your mother. Your uncle said she was in the hospital."

"Terminal brain cancer," I said. "She doesn't have long."

"So your mother hasn't been around," Ellie said. "Has that been hard for you?"

Mom first started to complain of headaches when I was twelve. She saw doctors for a year and a half before they diagnosed her. She got better after chemo. She was in remission for four months. Then she got worse.

"She hasn't come home from the hospital in nine months," I said. "Dad wasn't physically violent until after the doctor said that it was likely she had a year left to live."

"Do you want to talk about that?" Ellie asked.

I shook my head. My mother's fate was inevitable. My father had destroyed himself over the news. Then he'd tried to destroy us.

"My mother is terminal," I said. "She has cancer. I know that. There's nothing I can do about it."

Ellie sighed. "That doesn't mean that it won't still hurt, Jack."

"I know that," I snapped. "My mother is a great person. She doesn't deserve this."

It wasn't fair. Mom was always there for me. Her smile and laugh made our home happy. Maddy barely remembered a time when Mom wasn't sick. It wasn't fair that I had so much time with him,r and Maddy didn't.

"So you're angry too," Ellie said. "I get that. Does football play into that aggression?"

"No," I said. "My dad wanted me to play. The quarterback doesn't get much chance to use aggression. I played football for him. He thought it would look good for college. He was always pushing us to play sports."

Ellie frowned slightly. "Do you like football?"

The question struck me as odd. Football was a part of my life. Imagining my world without it was impossible.

"It's fine," I said. "I don't hate it, and it gave me time to be away from him. So did play rehearsals."

"Your uncle said you got into a fight in rehearsal," Ellie said. "With a fellow cast member."

I sighed. "Of course, he wants me to talk about that. Juan said some things I didn't like. He was talking about how perfect my life was and told my sister to shut up. Yes, I swung first, but it wasn't uncalled for."

"Have you had any other moments like this?" Ellie asked.

Fighting Juan was stupid. His jabs about my family pierced far deeper than he could have predicted, and I lashed out. I'd only ever defended my sisters. Fighting for myself was different.

"No," I said. "Unless I was trying to keep my father away from my sisters."

Ellie made a note on her paper. "You don't have to answer this, but how often was your father behaving like this?"

"More than I'd like to admit," I said. "Juan thought I hurt myself for attention. My father kicked me in the face. I was angry because he assumed that my life was perfect."

Ellie nodded. "So you started a fight. I can understand why this might make you angry, Jack."

Anger was Dad's response to hardship. Stooping to his level shouldn't have been my response to Juan. He'd hurt my feelings, but I should have walked it off instead of throwing a punch.

"I don't want to be angry," I said. "I'd love just to graduate high school and go off to college, ignoring all my problems, but I have three sisters at ages fifteen, thirteen, and ten who are counting on me."

"Do you feel they weigh you down?" Ellie asked.

I shook my head. "My sisters are important to me. I want them to be safe and happy. Mom asked me a long time ago to look after them. I've done my best given the circumstances."

"Your best," Ellie said. "That's really all you can ask for."

"I felt like I failed them the night Mary got shot," I said. "Like it's all my fault."

"Why do you feel that way, Jack?" Ellie asked.

There were a million reasons. I was the oldest. I was supposed to be responsible. Mom always insisted I take care of my sisters. I'd messed up. I should have anticipated the issue. The girls relied on me. This all lead to my failure.

I picked the simplest reason. "They aren't supposed to get hurt. I'm supposed to protect them."

"Is that your responsibility?" Ellie asked. "You're seventeen, Jack."

"Who else is going to do it?" I asked. "Uncle Anton? This long-lost aunt that social services have dug up? They rely on me."

"No one should have put this much pressure on you, Jack," Ellie said. "Reach out to your friends. Take time to rest. This isn't your fault. For your homework, I want you to spend some time reminding yourself that whenever you feel personal blam, you don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. We can talk more at your next appointment."

Ellie walked me out and entered the lobby. Uncle Anton sat there with a book. He looked up and smiled when he saw me.

"Your nephew is a good kid, Mr. Sterling," Ellie said. "Make sure he takes care of himself."

Uncle Anton was quiet when we got into the car. I didn't know what to talk about. I just stared out the window as he drove, watching life go on around me as mine barely hung on by a thread.