I asked myself a hundred times since her death, why she had left me? I was rational enough to know that life worked in ways we often didn't agree with, but I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that my mom had just died. How could it be so easy for life to instantly snap its fingers and tuck away its cold heart and simply say, why yes, today we will take Claire Grey. Today we will pry that sweet, kind hearted woman out of the fingertips of everyone who has ever loved her. 

I'd heard people comment that things happened for a reason, well show me the reason that justified her death and I'd tell you where to shove said reason; mainly somewhere where the sun would never shine. I asked myself the same question again, as I sat there on that deck and looked at the void house where all my loved had once lived, where all my laughter bounced off the cream colored walls, and where I had been the happiest; where I had never lost sight of who Talia Grey was.

I saw Seth get out of the Jeep and I got up and walked around the back of the house with him. The snow was several inches thick and my boots sunk down slightly, as I stood there and looked out across the field where I sat on many Spring and Summer nights playing my guitar. However, the field of memories, now lay dormant under the thick blanket of white. Somewhere deep down under the harsh coldness, it stayed and slept, rejuvenating itself for a new life that would follow. I desperately wanted to be that field, simply slumbering deep underneath a blanket of security, ready to spring forth renewed once again very soon.

Seth stood next to me as we looked out across the field, to the nearby forest of pine trees. I felt myself falling backwards, gravity pulling me further down into my pit of sadness, until all I felt was the cold embrace of the snow beneath me. My arms and legs moved robotically as they cast their own impressions into the cold snow. Seth looked down on me and smiled. He smiled the reassuring smile that told me one day things would be easier; they would never be better, but they would slowly start to affect me less. Death never became easier, it simply became something we learned to cope with.

I made snow angels in the cold night, in back of the house of broken hearts. I made that snow angel in remembrance of the one woman who would always sit and caress my heart with her loving ways; stroking my hair with fingertips that were always full of the deepest love and admiration a mother could have for a child. I made the snow angel while remembering the thousands of times we had run out in the middle of the night, at the first snowfall and thrust ourselves backwards, writhing our arms and legs like fish being thrown out of water, flailing around on the ground. I remembered all the laughter that would pierce the deep silence that the night held and I remembered her face as it would look over at me, with pieces of snow stuck in her flame red curls.

Seth eventually helped me up and we went back to the Jeep, savoring the warm breaths that were sweeping out of the heater. I looked over at him and realized that the tears were just streaming from my eyes; eyes that were so cold from the night air, that it was a wonder the tears didn't come out as tiny ice droplets.

"It sucks, Seth. I am so angry with her and I know I shouldn't be. It's not her fault that she died, but for some irrational reason I can't sit here and not be mad," I commented between the sobs, as I struggled to breathe deep breaths.

"It's natural to be angry when life punches you in the face. I'm not going to lie, but Claire dying was one hell of a sucker punch, to not only the face, but a straight throat punch as well," he looked over at me and a look of sadness swept over his face. I knew that he loved my mom as much as I did. I knew it, because I saw him cry at her funeral. He shed tears for my mom, like she was his own mother and for that I would be forever grateful.

"I'm so mad I could scream!"

"Then scream, Talia. Just scream a forceful and powerful scream that would shatter a million eardrums and scare away a legion of monsters. Just scream." He took my hand in his and rubbed his thumb in circles over the top of my skin, assuring me with his eyes that whatever I needed, he would be there to give it to me.  

My mouth opened to respond, but the noise that left it was guttural and angry. It was a noise that had the potential to shake the ground beneath my feet. It was pure, unabridged pain. It was the tearing of a million hearts and then stomping on all the pieces that were left behind. The scream that left my mouth would've had the devil cringing in the corner at night, afraid of what was to come. It was every emotion, every let down, and every tear that I had shed for her since she left me.

It was the scream that told my heart to stop breaking, because it was time to start fighting to heal. It was also the scream that warned life that if it ever thought to punch me in the face like that again, I would be ready and I would demand blood.

..............................

The drive back to Seth's was quiet and when we pulled up in front of the house, the lights were on inside. Mrs. Carter's SUV was out in front of the detached garage, next to Seth's van, signaling that the whole family was back from the game. Tim Carter, Seth's dad, was outside on the porch swing smoking a cigarette, while enjoying a cup of tea. He was dressed in a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and his MSU college sweatshirt. His black hair was slightly longer than the last time I saw him and was now long enough to sit, tucked away behind his ears. He looked up from his phone where he was probably watching Buzzfeed videos and pushed up his thick black rimmed glasses onto his face. Mr. Carter was what many girls around town called a nerdy hottie, even at forty-five years old.

He smiled when he saw us get out of the Jeep and got up from the porch swing, putting his cigarette out in the cup of water on the railing. He came over and took me into his arms and gave me a big bear hug, while he patted my back. 

"Hey sweetie, I am so happy you are back home for a while. I know things have been hard, but you are always welcome here. This is your house too. Miriam is inside throwing some leftover pizza into the oven for you guys, so head in or she will have a fit that she didn't see you first!" he said as he brushed the hair out of my face, before patting Seth on the shoulder and following us in.

"Hunny, I found these two bums outside looking for a free ride!" he yelled into the house as Miriam peeked around the corner and smiled. Miriam Carter was a beauty and when you put her and my mom together, men always approached them. She had an olive complexion and long inky black hair, with fierce emerald green eyes. Seth had the same devastatingly beautiful eyes as his mom. She towered over my tiny frame with her five foot, ten inch, curvy stature, as she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big kiss. 

"I'd take these two bums any day, Tim. I might even consider trading you in for them!" she said warmly as she looked down at me, much like a mom would look down at their favorite child. Miriam was an amazing mom to all of her kids and she was always willing to play honorary mom to me as well; but standing there in her embrace, simply reminded me that now she was the only  mom I had left.

It felt like she could sense my sadness about being back home, because she let go of me and turned to Seth and said, "Take Talia up to your room and get her settled. I made up Remy's bed clean, since him and Jackson are at the Sherman's tonight." 

Seth took my hand and led me through the house, past the living room where Kimmy and Seth's youngest sister, Ellis, were lounging on the couch in front of a Disney movie, while eating popcorn and sipping on hot chocolate. We made our way up the stairs past the twin's room and Seth pushed open the door to the right of us, which lead to his room and the staircase to the third floor, where the band room was. His room looked exactly the same as it had when I left, his navy colored walls were still riddled with his favorite band posters and the large wall opposite his queen sized bed, still had the same graffiti on it, surrounding the beautiful woman with roses for eyes and intricate skull makeup, posed in a bent over pinup manner.

When I went over to look at the new graffiti, I noticed that there were new song lyrics that cluttered the once empty spaces. One new song that caught my eyes was called Luxor Drive in the Moonlight 2, and the notes that were sprawled around indicated that it was a slower version of the upbeat punk song that Seth had written about our first summer together and all the trouble we caused at my house.

I looked over at Seth and asked, "So, there's a new version of our first summer anthem?"

He chuckled, "Yeah, I've actually become somewhat of a sap where all things Talia are concerned. So that new version is my homage to that night after the prom we played. It's not finished yet, just has two verses."

"Play it for me, Seth."

He looked over at me and motioned for me to sit down in his chair, while he went upstairs to the third floor and grabbed his spare acoustic guitar. When he came down, he peeled off his jacket and beanie, throwing them across the back of the recliner I was currently sitting in. He unbuttoned the first few buttons on his blue shirt, his neck and chest tattoo becoming more visible to my eyes. His wavy mohawk was very unruly, having sat underneath the warmth of his beanie and I couldn't help but think how handsome he looked when he was just being laid back Seth.

He pulled a pick out of his desk drawer and sat down on the edge of his bed and began strumming some chords on the acoustic. The song had a slow, romantic feel to it and when Seth sang it melted my heart. His deep voice echoed through the room as he expressed his love.

"Luxor drive in the moonlight,

Was where I first held my girl tight

Her fire red hair set my heart ablaze

Eyes of dark chocolate had me thinking for days.

"Luxor drive underneath the stars,

Was where my lips first found hers

She simply reached up and stroked my face

With one simple action all my pain was erased"

I wasn't sure what came over me, because as I listened to him sing, all I could think about was that Seth was the only person who knew how to take away my pain. He was the one person who had seen all my scars and knew the ways in which he could soothe their aches and pains. His words acted like the salve that coated the wounds, helping them to feel less catastrophic.

I found myself getting up off the recliner and walking over to him. I stood in front of him and pulled his guitar out of his hands, as he looked up at me with those devastatingly beautiful green eyes, that were framed with thick black eyelashes. My eyes trailed his face, his black nose ring, his pink lips and I found myself reaching up and cupping his face in my delicate hands. The feel of his skin underneath my fingertips, sent a wave of calm through my veins. All I wanted was for Seth to take away my pain; I wanted him to take it all away.

I leaned down, and my lips found his, wrapping around them and gently moving in a soft caress. I felt his strong arms wrap around my waist and pull us back onto his neatly made bed, that smelled just like him and his distinct smell of oranges. My hands gripped tighter on his face, our tongues fighting against one another; warm, sweet kisses that were like a raging wildfire. He tasted like his cinnamon gum and all I could do was close my eyes and give myself to him.

My hands were all over him, running along the length of his chest and I gripped the buttons of his shirt, in order to liberate him from it, but I felt his strong hands grasp mine and he pulled away slightly. I tried to lean in again to kiss him, but he rolled us over and came to rest on top of me. 

"What's happening, Talia?"

"I need you, Seth. Please..." I almost begged him to just take me, right there, right then. I didn't care that his parents were downstairs or that his sisters were watching television on the floor underneath us. I wanted Seth to take away my pain; I needed to feel something other than the hurt I had been feeling all these months.

"I want you baby, but not like this. You're hurting right now and I may be a shit sometimes, but I won't do this while you feel this way," his voice was full of emotion and I could sense how hard he was trying to do the right thing.

"I don't care about the pact or how I feel about my mom dying. I want this, I want us," I felt myself begin to cry. I was crying because I had stupidly thrown myself at Seth, in a moment of weakness and he was rejecting me for good reasons, but the pain of the rejection was still heavy. I was crying because I didn't know how to stop feeling this way and I worried that this hurt would never go away. I also cried because I had just tried to use the most important person in my life, like he was a disposable sex friend.

I expected Seth to be angry with me, but he simply took me into his arms and flipped us over, allowing me to bury my head in his chest and just cry. I felt my chest heaving rapidly, as the sobs caused me to choke on the air around me and then, I felt his hands in my hair, softly stroking the strands.

I heard the door creak open, but I never left the safety of Seth's arms to see who it was. I felt him nod and then the door closed again. He peppered my forehead with soft kisses as I cried, until I couldn't cry anymore. I cried until there were no more tears left in my body and the only thing that came afterwards was the blackness of sleep.

That night I dreamt of my mom. Her eyes, her hands, her smile, and her love.

.......................

I woke up the next morning to the sun shining in my face, but I was unable to move. It was like a giant weight was sitting on top of me, keeping me still until it could crush the life out of me. My eyelids fluttered open and attempted to adjust to the piercing light, finally able to see the weight across me. Seth was fast asleep on his stomach, with his one firm arm strewn across my chest and tucked underneath me. His other arm was fisted underneath his pillow, which currently had his face buried in it. I took a minute to just look at him, his wavy mohawk was all over the place, the strands fanning out over the surface of the pillow. His mouth was open slightly and small soft snores escaped his perfect lips.

I wanted to run my fingers over the surface of his bare back, but I also didn't want to wake him. I quietly wiggled out from under his arm and since I was still dressed in my clothes from yesterday, I headed downstairs and into the kitchen.

The downstairs was filled with the scent of blueberry pancakes and  you could hear the sounds of the bacon sizzling in the cast iron pan on the stove. Miriam was hovering over the sink, cutting apple and banana slices for fruit salad and Ellis was sitting on one of the wooden barstools watching.

"Hey Elly Whelly," I walked over and wrapped my arms around my favorite little, as she smiled while sipping on her orange juice. Ellis was Seth's youngest sibling and this year she started the second grade. She was a spitting image of her dad, with the long black hair and cerulean colored eyes, right down to the pair of glasses she wore. She was still dressed in her flower print pajamas and had a book in front of her on the table.

"Hey Tally Bo Bally," she responded and nuzzled her face in my chest and sniffed me, "Eww, you smell like Seth!"

I couldn't help but chuckle, while Miriam looked over and began to laugh. "Did you sleep ok, I know you were upset when you got back last night," Miriam inquired, as she pulled another glass from the cupboard and began to pour me some juice.

"Yeah, I think it's just hard being back here. I feel like this is my home, but at the same time it's like pieces are missing. Well, they are missing, but seeing the house just reminded me how gone she really is."

"It's been hard here too without Claire. She was my best friend, so I can only imagine if it's been hard for us, it surely has been miserable for you. Seth goes out there every week, you know."

"Out where?" I looked at her with a confused expression and wondered if Seth went out of the house weekly and if so, the reasons behind it.

"No, to the cemetery. He takes her new flowers every week. When they left to start the pre-tour publicity, he asked Roger, from the garage, to fill in for him while he was gone," she smiled a faint smile and then went back to checking on breakfast.

It amazed me that Seth would go out of his way to visit my mom every week and more so that he would go and place flowers on her grave. It was  small things like that, which made Seth the guy he was. Nothing he ever did was out of obligation, but rather love. He loved my mom, but more importantly, he loved me. I suppose his reasoning would be that he promised her he would always take care of me and because of that, tending to her was his way of doing that in my absence.

At that moment, all I wanted to do was rush upstairs and shower him with kisses, but the hesitation to wake him hindered me slightly; however, I felt my feet propelling me up the stairs and into his navy colored room. Before I knew it, I had wrapped my arms around him and peppered his face with small kisses. When he opened his eyes and smiled, it was worth it.

I wanted to wake up every morning just being able to see that smile.

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A/N: Hey Guys!

I hope you enjoyed the chapter, please don't forget to vote and comment.

So Seth did the right thing and didn't take advantage of Talia, plus he's been visiting her mom. Can he get any better? Probably not, but who knows.

<3 Amina

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