I kinda need to vent. And apologize.

So some of you may have noticed that I've been very inactive lately, coming online just at night. My life has been shit lately and I've covered it up with a smile up until today.

Some of you know that I'm a senior in high school. I'm going to be graduating in less than six months. With that comes rigorous courses that are stressful.

First stressor: friends/my ex.

Last year (junior year), I transferred from public to private school. I went from my graduating class of about 500 to my current graduating class of 76. It was great for me. I had a fresh start, a new beginning, and a new chance to belong.

I had my good friends, and I wasn't in the popular group (to my relief). I fell in love and dated a guy and went to winter formal and prom with him last year.

Over the summer, that's when everything changed.

July. My boyfriend of seven months broke up with me, leaving me broken-hearted. It wasn't until September that he basically admitted to lying to me for the entire seven months. I now can barely stand to be in the same class with him.

August. I started to talk to my first ex boyfriend and other guys. My first ex is actually my friend now, so that's all cool. But the other guy. I started to talk with him a lot, I knew him back when I went to public school. Everything went to shit after a few months of us hanging out.

September. Homecoming. I found out about my previous boyfriend lying to me since January and had thought I was a psychopath (which I'm not, trust me). I felt relieved that I didn't have to deal with him, but I was pissed that he and all his friends (who probably told everyone else) thought I was a psychopath. Now I don't have to worry about him, I can just roll my eyes and walk away. The whole psychopath thing probably has something to do with the stuff later on, but I have no proof to say so. This is also the time when the previously stated guy kissed me. I told him I'd think about a relationship, because he appeared to have wanted to be in one with me. I messaged him a bit later, but had realized that he had a girlfriend, a girlfriend he had gotten mere days after I told him I'd think about a relationship. I gave him the boot and haven't talked to him since. It was also around this time that I started to have friend drama, but on a minimal level and it blew over quickly.

October. This month wasn't as bad, but friend drama increased slightly.

November/beginning of December. Complete chaos. My friends in film had decided to try and leave me out of films before, but it was bad this time. I brushed it off. My friend I had planned on going with to formal bailed on me for a different group (she had lied to me about the circumstances). I tried to join that formal group to go with, but the girl running the group lied to me (my parents agreed). I vented about this to my youth group (that I thought was held in confidence and I could trust), but somehow the girl found out that I had said that she had lied. So she cornered me at my locker and yelled at me. This was a huge turning point. My friends I had now have basically abandoned me, don't respect me, or treat me well. I have two at my school that I can actually go to and talk to, whereas I used to have about seven. Today, one of the girls who abandoned me and used to be one of my close friends, she decided that my role as secretary in art club (she was one of the presidents) should be given to the girl who is currently the treasurer (she wasn't even in art club the year before like I had been). I told her that it was no problem for me to stay the secretary, but she insisted that my job be given to the other girl.

Second stressor: school.

Okay, so this is short, sweet, and to the point.

My assignments for the next weeks:

Senior English paper final copy due next Thursday. This is the paper requirement to graduate. It has to be at least eight pages and turned into two classes. I actually have to write about six more pages tonight to turn it in tomorrow at 8:00am.

Film scene recreation due next Monday. I'm in a group with all the girls who are currently not respecting me (plus one of the two good friends). I'm the director, but everyone else wants to take the spot from me. Surprise surprise. Also, my "friends" are starting to plan the final film for the semester without me. Again, surprise surprise.

Government video due on Friday. I'm leading this project. I'm in a group with people who don't really do anything. Great. Just great.

AP Calculus. This class is kicking my ass. I have a C in that class (which is bad). I feel like I'm a lost cause in that class. I'm just glad I don't need it to graduate just in case I don't pass.

Yeah. That's basically it, but right now, I feel like I can't do anything right.

I came home today, and when my mom asked me how my day was, I just groaned. She knew about all my friend stuff, and she told me to go talk to my councilor tomorrow (which I plan on doing). I just hugged her and cried. I then went downstairs to my room (where I am now) and just sat on my bed and cried for about twenty minutes. My makeup is ruined, but I don't care. Now I'm here, writing this.

It's a lot to handle.

And I'm on a certain medication that, when encountered with high levels of stress, can lead to depression and worse.

Then I have college next year, and I'm hoping that everything will get better.

So it's time for my apology. I'm sorry for being inactive. I'm sorry for not being on as often as I should. I'm sorry for not being there for as many of my friends as I can be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for doing this to you guys today. I hope your days (and school years) are going better than mine.

Please pray for me. I need your prayers right now. By publishing this, I'm giving my issues to God. I'm going to pray for them each night and every day, and I simply ask that you keep me in your prayers and thoughts throughout the next few weeks.

Thanks all. You're the best. :)

~Belle

Ps: I am by no means trying to say that my life is worse than everyone else's. I know that people deal with way worse than this, but it's really hard on me right now (also if you knew my backstory more, you'd understand).