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Hania

The teachers at my school knew that Papa was a doctor, and not just any doctor, but a cardiothoracic surgeon. They met him and Mama multiple times at parent teacher meetings, or Open Evenings, which were held once a year where the parents were given a tour around the school for the sake of their satisfaction.

So, when I turned out to be pretty bad at Biology, the teacher did not let go of the chance to remind me of my father's career. In front of the whole class, she said to me, "For a daughter of a doctor, you're pretty useless at Biology.". Everyone had burst out laughing, and I had just sat there, utterly humiliated. When I went home that day, I started crying, and I told Mama everything, sending her in a protective Mama Bear mode. The next day she was in the headteacher's office, giving him an angry lecture about how teachers should behave with students. The teacher was suspended for a while, and she never taught the class I was in again.

Mama was very overprotective of me and Iman, even if Iman denied it when it came to herself. Obviously, she told us off when we were in the wrong, but if someone treated us unfairly, Mama always stood up for us. Papa did as well, but he was usually at work when crap like that occurred, so our mother had to deal with it.  

A few days after Hamza's apology, I was sitting in my room, writing a random story. I like to take inspirations from the events around me, and romance was my favourite. My favourite kind of romance is the husband and wife romance, because it's so pure and so halal. What kind of love is better than that which is blessed by Allah? And I was too shy to admit it, but I was greatly inspired by Mama and Papa's marriage. The way he looked at her and the way he spoke to her, came out in words in my own stories. 

There was a light knock on the door. "Hani?"

"Yes, Mama?"

She entered, bringing in a bowl of noodles on a tray.

"Mama, you didn't have to!" I grinned, happily. I loved instant noodles, especially the spicy ones. From the scent rising from the bowl, I could tell that it was my favourite flavour.

"I made Iman some pasta, and noodles for you." She set the bowl down onto my desk. She took a seat on the bed. "Actually, there's something that I need to talk to you about, meri jaan." 

I turned my chair sideways, so that I can look at her and have my noodles at the same time. "Yes?"

"Daniyal Uncle called your Papa." She looked at me pointedly, but I was too clueless to understand what she was trying to tell me. "He is back in Lahore, and he wants to meet us to discuss yours and Hamza's marriage alliance."

My jaw actually dropped open. "What?"

"He says that we should discuss this amongst our family." She continued. "And if we have your consent, we'll discuss it further."

"What does Papa think about this?"

She shook her head. "I feel like if I tell you that, your opinion will be biased."

"Mama, I trust him completely, as well as you. Whatever you both think, I need to know." 

"Hani, I don't meet as many people as he does, so he is a better judge of character." She admitted, honestly. "And he does not have a good feeling about this."

"But I thought Daniyal Uncle was his friend?"

"He is, meri jaan, but that doesn't mean that his son is good enough for us to marry off our daughter to." She tilted her head slightly, her hair brushing her shoulder. She usually does that when she is unsure about something, and thinking hard about it.

"I don't know, Mama."

"Hani, this is your life, babe." She stood up, and came over to me, running her hand through my hair, gently. "If you want us to take this further, Papa will do his full research and find out everything necessary about Hamza and his lifestyle. You're our daughter, we're not just going to discard you anywhere like used tissue. We'll be very careful in whatever decision we make regarding yours and Iman's lives. But first and foremost, I want to know what you think." 

"I want to talk to Hamza." I told her. "Since Papa is my main mehram, he can be around, but I need to talk to Hamza."

She nodded. "Of course." She kissed the top of my head. "We'll arrange something." 

****

We met up at one of the fanciest Chinese restaurants in Lahore. My parents, Daniyal Uncle and Iman sat at a short distance, but still within our line of sight. Hamza and I sat at a table for two, and I had no idea how to start up the conversation.

"Why?" I decided to ask the one question that was repeatedly flying around in my mind. "I thought I lacked personality and that I was too shy and awkward." 

"I was wrong, Hania. I judged you without realising what you suffer from." To my annoyance, Hamza seemed to look even more handsome today. He wore dark blue jeans, a white t-shirt that exposed his biceps and emphasised his muscular built. A tiny, sinful part of me wondered what it would be like to feel his biceps, and I blushed. He cleared his throat. "Papa thought that you and I would make a good match."

"I know the importance of parental opinion." I said. "But, what do you think? You can't just be agreeing to this for your father's sake! This is a lifetime decision, and I don't want you blaming me for the rest of our lives together."

"Hania, you are a great girl. If Papa selected you for me, and I genuinely like you, even as a friend right now, then I think we should seriously considered this arranged marriage." 

"Okay," I tapped my fingers over the table and glanced out of the window. We were in posh Lahore, and although I felt comfortable here as it reminded me of home, I also found it bland compared to the other culture-filled parts of the city. 

I remember once Dada Jaan and Dado had taken me and Iman for a drive around the old Lahore where our paternal grandfather had grown up. 

"Wow, Dada Jaan!" I was eight then, and I had been in awe. "This is so different from where you live now!" 

"Yes, gudiya, I had to work hard for years before I got where I am today." He had said. "But I often come here to remind myself that I should never forget my roots, where I came from." 

"Similarly," Dado had added. "Just because you both are growing up in London, you need to remember that you are Pakistani girls by blood, and in your case, Hania, by birth. No matter where in the world that you go, don't forget your heritage and your cultural values."

I turned back, keeping my gaze on the table. I respected my cultural and religious values, and this is why I was within sight of the first and most important mehram of my life, while I spoke to a potential future husband. "Can I ask you a few things, Hamza?" 

"Of course." 

"Do you live on your own, or with Uncle?" I asked. "I mean, if we take this further, I don't have a problem either way. I'm just curious." 

"I live with Papa, but I plan to move out after marriage, and Papa approves."

"What are your hobbies? Apart from photography?" I took a spoonful of egg fried rice with King Prawn curry on top of it, and put it in my mouth, almost groaning out loud at the deliciousness.

"I like socialising. I have a large group of friends who I meet quite regularly." 

"Look Hamza," I gazed at my plate as I spoke. "Our fathers might know each other, but I don't know you enough right now. Is there something about you that you think that I, or your future wife in general, should know? I am an open book, there's nothing about me that's hidden. But I want to know if that's also the case with you or not."

He paused and for a few seconds, I saw doubt flicker in his eyes, but he quickly composed himself. "No. I've told you all that I think that you should know."

I nodded. "Okay, well, I have been raised in a very sheltered environment, and as you can imagine, I am nervous regarding anything that's marriage related. It's difficult for me to imagine starting a life with someone completely new, and to move out of my comfort zone. It was bad enough for me, going to Edinburgh, and even then I had panic attacks before I left." I looked up at him. "I'm aware that I'm naïve, so don't use that against me by misleading me in any way. That's all I'm asking." 

My Nano always said that children often suffered or were rewarded because of the actions of their parents in the past. My Mama had told me that she had always been honest with Papa about everything, including that Jeremy Newton guy. Papa, was just as honest to her about everything. And I suppose their continuous honesty and loyalty towards each other rewarded me in a way, because Hamza told me something that I wouldn't expect a future spouse to mention on their first meeting.

"I have a best friend that I'm very close to. Her name is Natalia." He said. "This is something that I think that my future wife should know."

"Best friend? How close are you really?" 

"We're very close. We hug, hold hands and we tell each other everything." He admitted.

"G-Girlfriend?" My voice shook as I asked him then. My newfound confidence was starting to disappear.

"No, she's not my girlfriend, but we're very close." 

"If you want to go ahead with this marriage, Hamza, that has to stop." I practically whispered. "I don't want to be married to someone who behaves that way with a non-mehram woman. Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude, I don't care. This is who I am, and anyone who wants to marry me has to accept that." How am I being so confident right now? I glanced towards Mama, and remembered what she'd told me once.

"Jaan, being parents doesn't mean that we're perfect or that we're hypocrites. Yes, we might have behaved in a manner that we teach you not to behave in, but we're teaching you things from our own experiences, so that you don't make the same mistakes that we did. You will learn things on your own as well, and In Sha Allah, will one day pass on to your own kids, but you need to just trust me and Papa. We won't ever teach you anything that we thing won't be beneficial for you."

"I need time to think about this." I said. "I'm not just going to say yes automatically. There are way too many things to consider." 

My confidence was unbelievable today. I couldn't believe that I was the same Hania who could barely say 'hello' to a stranger. But I realised the importance of getting my point across today. I needed to get to know him a little before I made a decision.

"Of course, Hania. Take your time."

We didn't discuss anything serious after that, just chatted casually. 

****

"I don't want to cause trouble, Bhai." Phupho spoke up. "But you had excellent instincts when it came to Umair, and I didn't listen to you. If you feel that something is not right about Hamza, don't rush. This is about our Hania's life." 

Two days later, we were gathered in the living room: me, my parents, Dado, Iman, Fari Phupho and Zafar Uncle.

"Elena's husband did some research." Papa said, referring to Mama's best friend, Aunt Elena's husband, Uncle Brett. "Hamza has an active social life and he goes clubbing a lot. My instincts are going against this completely. I'm sorry, but I don't want someone like that for my Hani."

"Does he drink?" Mama asked, worriedly. She had her arm around my shoulders and I was leaning against her.

"Not from what Brad found out. He is the one who actually found out about Hamza's social life." Papa looked thoughtful. "He did mention that there's a blonde girl who's a little too close to Hamza." Brad was Aunt Elena's son, a few months younger than me. 

"I think Hamza mentioned her to me. She's a good friend of his, I think." I admitted.

Mama and Papa exchanged a look, and I had a feeling that I knew exactly what they were thinking. These were not the kind of things that impresses desi parents regarding a potential husband for their daughter.

"Bhai, Hania's just twenty-one." Phupho said, softly. "Rushing things can be harmful for her and her future, Allah na kare. Listen to your brilliant instincts and take your time." 

*Allah na kare: God forbid.

"I have to be honest. With each moment, I am less and less comfortable about this rishta." Papa said. "I don't think he's the right person for Hania."

"Papa, he told me. He said that he's just friends with a girl named Natalia." I said. "And I told him that if he wants to marry me, that has to stop." 

"How do we guarantee that it's going to stop though?" Dado looked panicked. "Hamari bachi hai, koi bojh nahin hai humpe ke hum sochay samjhay bina shadi karwa dain uski?"

*"She's our child, not a burden that we get her married off without thinking."

"What if he was lying to me though?" I asked worriedly. "What if he's just marrying me to please Uncle, while he actually dates the Natalia girl behind my back? I am simple and naïve, and it would be easy to fool me." My eyes filled up with tears.

"You're not getting married to anyone until we're completely satisfied, okay?" Papa reassured me. "You need to trust me and Mama, and everyone around us." He gestured towards Dado, Phupho and Zafar Uncle. "I will never let anything wrong happen with you and Iman." 

"And if he lies to you, he'll have to deal with me." Iman grabbed my hand.

"Beta," Dado spoke up. "You have to be very, very careful here. When it comes to marrying off a daughter, it's a delicate matter, but even more so now because of Hania's sweet and shy nature. Fariha's right, if it doesn't seem right, let it go. Our Hania's life and happiness depends on this." 

"Ammi, you know I will always be careful when it comes to Hania and Iman." Papa told her. "Don't worry." He looked at me. "I'm going to dial Hamza's number, and you're going to speak with him in the kitchen, in the presence of me and your mother. Come on."

The three of us headed towards the kitchen, and I held Mama's hand, nervously.

"Your hand is so cold, Hani." She began to warm it up between both her hands.

"I just don't want to make the wrong decision, Mama. I'm terrified." 

"Well, if it comforts you, this isn't easy for us either." She gave me a small smile. "But that's the thing, Hani, we can only do our best. Whatever happens in the future, none of us know. Whether it's an arranged marriage or a love marriage, the future is beyond our control. But Papa and I will carefully consider everything before we come to a decision." 

Soon, I was listening to the phone ringing on the other end, my heart pounding hard in my chest.

"Assalam Alaikum, Uncle." Hamza answered.

"It's me, Hania." I spoke up. "Walaikum Assalam, anyway."

"Hania, everything okay?" His voice was warm and full of concern.

"You know it's normal for parents to do research before an arranged marriage?" I walked towards the window and stared out, thoughtfully.

"Yes..." 

"Well, a family friend of ours in London found out about your clubbing." I pursed my lips together. I didn't like that habit, but it was still okay as long as alcohol wasn't involved. "And about your closeness to a blonde girl. Is that Natalia?" 

"Yep, she's the only girl I'm close to." He replied.

"Look, Hamza, because this is a lifetime decision, I want reassurance. Is she really just a friend?" I tried to sound nonchalant, but I had a terrible feeling about this.

He sighed. "Yes. I realise that my clubbing, socialising and befriending non-mehram girls make me seem like a dodgy guy, but she really is just a friend. I've never dated anyone." 

"Does she know that she's just a friend?" I had to clear my doubts. It was very important because marriage is a bond that should be based on trust and honesty.

He didn't reply. 

"So, she likes you?" I was feeling angry.

"Hania, she has expressed her feelings for me, yes, but I don't feel the same way about her."

"Don't you think that you should have mentioned her to me when I asked you if there was something that I should know?" Angry tears filled my eyes. "Or were you just going to tell this to me after the Imam had completed our Nikah ceremony?!" 

"I didn't think there was a point, since I don't feel that way about her."

"The point was honesty!" I snapped. "Now I am beginning to feel like I was going to be the wife for appearances and to keep Uncle happy, but behind my back, you were going to go clubbing with her, and date her and whatever?" I whirled around and saw Papa frowning, and Mama pressing a hand against her mouth, horrified. "You know what? I deserve better." I hung up. I looked at my parents. "I don't want to marry him. He's already lying to me. Imagine what he'd do if we got married." I handed Papa his phone, and then left the kitchen. 

****

My parents accepted my decision, and Papa spoke to Daniyal Uncle.

We were just getting ready to go back to London, when Daniyal Uncle called and said that he wished to meet with my parents and me. He invited our whole family over for dinner to their family home in a private gated community. Fariha Phupho came over and stayed with Dado, while Iman and I went with Mama and Papa. Dado obviously couldn't accompany us because of her Iddah.

"Why are we even going?" Mama quietly asked Papa on the way. "Hania has made her decision."

"Don't worry. I won't let anyone pressurise Hania." He quickly glanced at her as he drove. "We're just going to hear him out for friendship's sake, but that does not mean that Hania has to marry Hamza."

We arrived outside a gorgeous mansion, with high bordering walls that colour of chocolate milk. The gates were dark brown and huge, and as Papa pressed the horn of the car, two guards opened the gates and let us through. The house itself was modern, with floor-to-ceiling windows. Daniyal Uncle stood by the large black front doors, smiling at us. I couldn't help noticing Hamza's motorcycle parked nearby, and I immediately pursed my lips in annoyance.

We got out and everyone greeted each other. The girl I'd seen with Hamza at the café the other day, came outside and also greeted us.

"This is Rabia, my late sister's daughter. I've raised her like my own." Daniyal Uncle introduced us.

Rabia hugged Mama, Iman, and then me. "How are you, Hania?"

"Alhumdulillah." I replied, politely.

"Rabia, get Hamza." Uncle asked her, and she immediately headed upstairs, while Uncle led us into the drawing room. "Please, have a seat."

This was not going to be a fun meeting.

****

I avoided even looking at Hamza during dinner. Similarly, the obvious topic was also avoided during dinner. It was mainly just Papa and Uncle talking about politics or cricket. Iman was getting along with Rabia quite well, and both of them were discussing an upcoming film franchise. I noticed Hamza trying to meet my gaze throughout dinner, but I ignored him.

Uncle brought up the topic after dinner, as we were waiting for tea. "Fawad, Bhabi, I found out that Hamza failed to tell you something major. Something that would seriously affect Hani Beti's decision in regards to this marriage."

"Not just her decision, our too." Papa said. "He seems to have concealed certain things regarding his friendship with the girl back home, so how can we possibly be expected to marry our daughter off to a guy like that?"

"I understand." Uncle nodded. "But Hamza reassures me that after marrying Hania, he will remain loyal to her." 

"Absolutely." Hamza spoke up. "Hania, in front of our entire family, I promise you that you have nothing to fear about when it comes to my relationship with Natalia. I will end my friendship with her." 

"Hania is a very sweet, polite girl." Uncle spoke to my parents. "So, you can understand why I'm eager for her to marry Hamza. What parent wouldn't want such a perfect spouse for their child?"

"Exactly. So you can see why we are hesitating." Papa said. "We want the best for Hania. And I'm not fully satisfied that Hamza is the right person for her. I'm sorry to be so blunt, Daniyal Sahab."

Uncle nodded. "I understand. Rabia is like a daughter to me, so I can understand how you feel. I would be hesitant as well, if this was about her. This is a delicate matter. Please think about it. But I assure you that Hania will be treated like a daughter in our family, and Hamza will take care of her."

"We'll think about it." Papa spoke, glancing at me before returning his gaze towards Uncle. "But it all depends on what Hania wants. If she says no, then I'm afraid that's the final answer, and we won't pressurise her into changing her mind." 

****

"Mama, what would you have done?" That night, I'd called my mother into my room, just as I was about to go to bed. I was lying down, tucked away under my duvet, and she sat beside me caressing my head and making me feel sleepy.

"I wish the answer to that was simple, Hani." She whispered. "The only arranged marriage proposal I got was for your Papa, and that was when I was barely nineteen. And I knew him my entire life, so I never had to consider the things that the three of us have to consider now."

"But, if you had ended up in the situation, would you trust Hamza?" 

"Honestly? I'd be as confused as you're right now, I'm sure." She replied. "A part of me feels that he seemed genuine, but because he's already omitted to mention such a huge fact once, doubting him is also natural." She leaned down to kiss my forehead. "But remember, there's no rush. If you're not ready, or if you don't want this, Papa and I won't judge you. In fact we'll support you, no matter what."

I nodded. "I know. I love you guys." 

"We love you too, my little Butterfly."

I drifted off to sleep then, praying to Allah to help me make a decision. 

****

Zoya Mumani invited us to have lunch at their place two days later, before we planned to fly back home. Nazia Mumani and Phupho would be there two, because the four ladies were besties.

Papa was in the garden with Arhaan Mamu, Ahad Mamu, Zafar Uncle and Ismael, while Iman was somewhere with Noor, Bilal, Armaan, Zaid, as well as Ibrahim. Judging by Papa's coldness towards Iman, I had a feeling that she and the rest must be within the sight of the fathers.

For some odd reason, Mama's cousin, Nailah Khalla was still around. I had no idea what her story was, but she was a very bitter person. 

I was sitting in on the terrace with the ladies, scrolling through Pinterest and finding inspiration for my stories, when Iman ran in, looking pale faced.

"Mama!" 

Noor and Amara also ran onto the terrace behind her.

"Girls, are you okay?" Zoya Mumani asked, worriedly.

"Nailah Phupho has been speaking to some neighbouring ladies." Noor explained. "You know, Mahum? She's my friend from college? Well, she told me that Nailah Phupho has been saying some awful things about Hania Appi. She's telling everyone that Appi has a boyfriend." 

"What?!" Mama looked furious, as I froze. "How dare she?" Immediately, my mother rushed out, probably to confront Nailah Khalla, who was downstairs.

An anguished cry escaped my lips, and Zoya Mumani came to my side, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

"Mumani..." I looked at her, tears escaping my eyes.

"Hey, why are you worried, sweetheart?" She cupped my face between her hands. "Your parents are here to handle it, I am here, Nazia Mumani is here, as well as both your Mamus." She pulled me into her arms. "We all have your back, Hania. Leave it all to us, okay?"

I was trembling. I didn't want my parents' reputation damaged because of my silliness at the café that day. I didn't want anyone raising their fingers at my parents' upbringing.

I knew what I had to do.

****

"What?! No!" Mama almost yelled at me.

We were back home, and as expected, my parents were not very happy with me right now.

"You're not making that decision because people are talking nonsense." Mama continued. "People always have something to say about our lives, but I'm not letting you make such a huge decision based on what they would say."

"Mama." I grabbed her hand. "It's not just that. This has just made my decision easier for me. I genuinely wanted to give Hamza a chance, based on his promise."

They exchanged a long look.

"Hania," Papa put a hand over my head. "Meri jaan, I know that you're trying to make a sacrifice for our sake, but trust me, you don't have to. We'll leave for London soon, and even if we were staying here, I don't care what people say. Your happiness comes first."

"This is my final decision, Papa." I said, trying to sound certain. "You can say yes to Daniyal Uncle."

"Okay, listen." He said. "Take some time to really think about it, okay? Just remember that this is a lifetime decision, and you have to be absolutely certain about it." 

I'd already made up my mind, but for the sake of my parents, I agreed to take some time to think. If Hamza wanted to marry me for his father's sake, then I will marry him for my parents' sake, and In Sha Allah, the marriage will work out. I will be a good wife to him, as long as I'm treated fairly and right, and I hoped that one day Hamza could truly accept me as his wife as well.

I guess I'm getting married soon. 

****

Fawad

"Aap ko pata hai na ke agar aap nahin keh dain ge, Hania kabhi bhi aapki baat ke khilaf nahin jayegi?" Mina rested her head against my chest as we lay in bed that night.

*"You know that if you say no, Hania would never go against your word?"

"I know, meri jaan." I kissed her forehead. "But maybe this is just my fatherly fear that's making me feel uncomfortable about this relationship. Maybe Hamza is a perfectly decent boy, and would be perfect for our Hani." 

"Aap keh dain nahin. Koi aur rishta mil jaye ga jab waqt aaye ga." Mina muttered.

*"You should say no. We'll find another marriage alliance when the time comes."

"Mina, Hani ne pehla decision khud liya hai. Aur main chahata hoon ke yeh decision uski zindagi ka sabse best decision rahe. Isi liye maine soch liya hai ke haan ya na karne se pehle main Istikhara karoon ga, aur agar jawab na aaya to Hania yeh shaadi nahin kar sakti."

*"Mina, Hania took a decision herself for the first time. And I want this decision to be the best decision of her life. That's why I have decided that before I say yes or no, I will perform Istikhara, and if the answer is no then Hania can't get married here."

Istikhara is a special prayer performed in order to make decisions. It is basically asking Allah for an answer for whether a decision is right for a person or not. I have never personally done it before, but a person gets their answer through a feeling or a dream, and they follow this answer by placing their complete faith in Allah.

"Aur agar haan aaya to aap haan kardain ge?" Mina bit her lower lip, anxiously.

*"And if the answer is yes, would you say yes?" 

"Yehi to iman hota hai, Mina. Haan aaya to main apne Rab pe pura bharosa rakh ke apni beti ki shadi Hamza se karwadoon ga." I held her tighter. "Waise bhi, Allah se behtar hifazat Hania ki koi nahin kar sakta."

*"This is faith, Mina. If the answer is yes, then I will place my complete faith in Allah and get my daughter married to Hamza."
"Anyways, nobody can protect Hania better than Allah."

"Main bhi karoon aap ke saath?" She asked.

*"Shall I also perform the Istikhara with you?"

"Naiki aur pooch pooch?" I smiled at her.

*"Why ask permission to do a good deed?"

"Aap ne pehle kiya hai Istikhara kabhi?" Mina asked as we went into the bathroom to do wudhu together.

*"Have you performed Istikhara before?"

I nodded. "At various times in my life, relating to my education, my career and even before I asked you if you were willing to marry me- the second time."

 "Mujhe sikha dain kaise karna hai." She asked so innocently that she reminded me of Hania.

*"Teach me how to do it."

"Okay, but tell Hania to do it as well. I'll teach her as well, if she wants." I looked at her. "May Allah make the best decisions for our daughters. Ameen."

"Ameen." She gave me a small smile. 

I immediately knew that she was thinking of Iman. "Allah usay bhi hidayat de. Ameen."

*"May Allah bring her on the right path as well. Ameen."

"Ghar jaake us say bhi baat karte hain." She said. "Iman ko sahi raaste pe laana hamara hi kaam hai, Fawad. Hum woh sab kuch karainge jis se hamari bachi sahi raaste pe aajaye."

*"We'll talk to her [Iman] when we get home."
"It's our duty to bring Iman on the right path, Fawad. We'll do everything that we can to bring our daughter on the straight path."

"Bus mujhe roz raat yeh baat sone nahin deti keh kahin woh kuch aisa na kar jaye jis se waapis aana mushkil ho jaye." I admitted to my wife. 

*"There's just one thing that doesn't let me sleep every night: the fear that she might do something that would make it impossible for her to come back on the right path."

****

Will Hania and Hamza end up getting for their parents' sake, or is Hania destined for something else?

Will Iman end up in more trouble and make her parents' nightmares come true?

Thoughts and comments.

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