Lana's POV

It was middle of the night and the sky was dark, making the stars shine out brighter. The only source of light was the hazy moonlight coming through the windows. Lana was sitting up in bed, looking out the window.

Everything was calm. Silent. Her vampire senses were always on alert. Even more so now that Roman had moved in with her. His safety and protection came first.

Lana did this every night. Checking the possible entries for an intruder, the alarm system, the sources of movement within her vampire earshot... she was a little paranoid maybe but it was a habit. And it was too late to rid herself of this habit.

Cruel-some years in her life had forced her to always have her guard up. This was the warrior part of Lana. A part she hoped her beloved would never have to see.

The dark side to her and the actions of that part of herself would not go well with Roman's innocence. He was pure, he was happy. Lana could not live with herself if she dragged him into the darkness along with herself.

Roman was stronger than Lana in some ways. In the ways that counted. He was pure but not naive or fragile. He knew of cruelty and violence but still radiated unrestrained joy. His will to live and enjoy was strong. Many things that in which Lana's case, have worn out, weathered along the years.

Lana and Roman's vampire and werewolf bond was still unusual and harboured aspects to be uncovered but it was a right match.

Darkness always needs a light, as Lana needs Roman to survive. The only thing was that Lana didn't want to surround her powerful pure white light in an endless black darkness.

Lana turned her gaze from the window to the side. Roman was peacefully sleeping beside her. The sound of his steady deep breaths was having a calming effect on Lana. He was laying on his side, his face turned towards her. The moonlight coming in from the window was illuminating his beautiful serene face. Lana's stone hard heart painfully gave in at the sight of her beloved.

If her eternity could be narrowed down to one single moment and stuck into a loop, right at this moment, she would gladly forget the past and forswear the future. Because in the past, she barely lived/ survived without her beloved and the future was too uncertain to rely upon.

A possible future could hold endless promises spent with her Roman but to imagine that, one would have to be a optimist and have wishful thinking. Lana had neither of those and on top of that, dreaming had lost it's appeal.

Lana leaned over to brush a strand of Roman's silky black hair that had fallen on his forehead. She gently tucked it behind his ear. She continued to watch him, committing every single detail of his body to memory.

Looking at him, her dark thoughts seemed to be holding at bay. Memories that tortured her over and over for the rest of her existence. Roman seemed to be holding those at bay.

Lana teared her gaze away from Roman's peacefully sleeping figure and continued looking out the window.

And with that, the memories started flooding back in.

Roman's POV

Roman was overjoyed. He was dreaming of his mate. Her kisses, her touch, her knowing gaze. He sighed happily and extended his arm to touch Lana.

But he couldn't touch her in the dream, she was far away, like in a different world. A thousand years away, in another life, where Roman wasn't there with her.

He tried to reach further but to no avail. Then he felt the softness under his body and the sheets in his grip. Roman started to woke up from his sleep.

He had tried to reach Lana to pull her closer, to feel her body against his but he hadn't been able to find her on the bed. The absence of Lana's body had woken Roman up.

Now gradually waking up, he looked around. It was dark and the digital red numbers of the clock on the nightstand confirmed that it was the middle of the night. Moonlight was the only light source, basking the room in it's glow but scarcely illuminating.

Lana was sitting up right on the edge of the bed, her back to him and she was looking out of the window.

She didn't seem to notice that he was awake yet. Roman was careful not to do any sudden movements so he didn't alert her and just watched her.

From his position, only the right side of her face could be seen. Lana seemed to be deep in thought, her eyes unfocused, looking out the window.

Nothing could be interpreted from the rest of her face. It was straight, solid and cold. It resembled nothing like the Lana, Roman had came to know during their time together.

While her face yielded nothing, her eyes told of a million stories.

Roman's breath hitched as he looked at her eyes. She was in pain. It was clear as day. He saw the anguish and the desperation in there. Whatever that Lana was thinking about, it was clearly haunting her and tearing her apart on the inside.

Not being able to see his mate in pain, Roman quickly scooted over towards the edge of the side of the bed where Lana was sitting. Then he propped himself up on his elbow.

The black sheet of the bed was wrapped around Roman's waist and around Lana's body like a towel. Her back was on display down until her lower back. Seeing her strong, straight spine and the delicate contours of her skin hiding layers of hard muscle, was tempting to Roman and his wolf. And as insatiable as both of the males were when it came to their mate, right now was not a good time for pleasure.

Their mate was in pain.

Roman leaned in and planted a soft kiss on Lana's exposed shoulder. She didn't do anything to acknowledge Roman. As Roman would've guessed, Lana probably had already knew the exact moment Roman had woken up. His breathing and movement would be easy for Lana to detect.

"If you want to talk, I'm here." Roman softly whispered onto Lana's shoulder.

Upon hearing him, Lana seemed to pull back the troubling emotions from the surface and into the deeper confines of herself where no one could see from the outside. But Lana is Roman's mate. And what was hidden to others, was visible to him. The pain was still swirling, ever storming below the surface.

Roman had only just seen the torment in her. He hadn't noticed it before. Now that Roman had seen her inner pain, it was hard to miss it. Lana's indestructible fortress hid her emotions well. Not the love she felt for him. That was true and she didn't need to hide it. She just hid her pain from Roman. This saddened Roman. Not the fact that she may be hiding secrets or the fact that she decided against to share things with Roman. No, those were only normal. She didn't need to share everything with him. Roman already knew she trusted him. Personal secrets didn't change that fact. He trusted Lana too, without a second thought.

What saddened Roman was that he couldn't do anything to ease her pain.

Lana took her eyes away from the window and slightly turned her head to right, to look at Roman.

"Did I wake you?" Lana asked.

"I woke up when I couldn't feel you beside me." Roman said.

Lana kissed Roman's forehead. Roman closed his eyes as he savoured their contact. The movement of her lips grazed his skin, creating warm tingles as she whispered, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Go back to sleep.".

With that, Lana turned her head away, looking out the window of her bedroom once again.

Although hearing Lana say she wasn't leaving his side was more than enough to send him back to dreamland, he couldn't sleep.

He somehow knew that leaving his mate alone with her thoughts would be a bad idea.

Roman scooted even closer so his stomach would be against Lana's back and he bent his elbow under his head. He looked at Lana for a moment, enjoying the view of her illuminated with only moonlight.

"Couldn't sleep?" Roman asked.

Lana turned her head to look down to Roman, who was lying on his side. Lana waited a moment and when she understood that Roman wasn't planning on sleeping like she told him to, she turned sideways to fully face him.

Almost like unconsciously, out of a habit or instinct, Lana took Roman's free hand in hers and started tracing patterns on it.

"Vampires don't sleep cara mea." Lana replied.

Roman hadn't know that about vampires. His eyes opened slightly in surprise. Then horror took over as he realised something. "Wait. You mean to tell me that you were awake to hear me snore, drool and god knows what else?!"

Lana laughed at Roman's reaction and to the fact that this was the first realisation that came to his mind when he learned that vampires didn't sleep.

"Rest assured, you do not snore dear." Lana said smiling. Roman visibly relaxed at this. "And even if you did, it wouldn't matter. Unconscious or not, you look immaculate."

Roman blushed a little at hearing Lana's compliment. One of Lana's hand was holding the back of Roman's hand and the other was tracing the lines on the inside of his palm. Her caress distracted Roman for a bit until he refocused.

"You don't sleep." Roman repeated more to himself than as a question but Lana nodded in confirmation anyways.

"That leaves a lot of time for other activities." Roman implied while sending a seductive look towards Lana.

Lana chuckled in response but Roman could still see the heat of the lust burning in her eyes. She brought Roman's hand that she was holding up to her lips and kissed his palm without breaking eye contact.

"As much as I love that suggestion, you still need sleep to replenish your energy." Lana said.

Roman thought to refuse for a second by saying something along the lines of 'I don't need sleep', but decided against it. That would've sounded childish out loud as much as it did inside his head.

"So you don't dream at all?" Roman asked. Lana had gone back to following the lines, muscles and veins visible on his hand. Up from his knuckles to the pads of his fingers. She was looking down to his hands as she was doing this. It was almost like she was creating a mental map of Roman inside her head.

After awhile Lana answered without looking up. "I consider that to be a reprieve. A bright side of some sorts as to what I am. Yes I do not sleep but if I were able to, I'm certain there would be nothing but nightmares plaguing my nights."

Roman could clearly see the pain on Lana's face. He wanted nothing more than to ask what would be the cause those nightmares she was so certain of. But he also didn't want to bother her or make her suffer more by bringing the subject up.

At Roman's inner battle, whether to ask Lana or not, his concern and care for his mate outweighed all else. Roman partially sat up and took Lana's face between his hands. His fingers waded their way into her long, soft, wavy hair.

The desperation that Roman was feeling could be seen from his eyes and the tone of his voice as he said, "I can't bear to see you in agony. Tell me what haunts you. Please tell me what is the cause of your pain, love." Roman's wolf released a sad howl on the inside like he was in agony as well.

The only reaction Lana gave to the outside was a soft release of breath. She was a master at hiding everything to the onlookers. His mate had seen too much, Roman could see that. All that time... Roman had spent only a couple years on his own before finding Lana. But her... she had been alone, Roman hadn't been able to be beside her for the majority of her life. One of his jobs as a mate was to be always there for his other half. And he had failed at that for the past millennium. He should have been there for her, spending all that time together, going through all that together.

Roman knew that this was something that he really shouldn't hold himself accountable for because he couldn't control when he would be born. Nonetheless, he couldn't stop himself from thinking as if he had abandoned Lana.

Lana tore her eyes from Roman and turned back to the window. Her face was stoic and her voice was monotone as she said, "It's hard."

Roman was confused and he didn't understand what she was talking about so he softly asked, "What is it that is hard love?"

"To have immortality. To have the burden of so much memories. It is easy to lose yourself amongst them, continuously reminiscing another era, another age. If one does not learn to deal with them and their-self, an eternity can become a torture. Enough is as good as a feast; the addition of time is not a gift when people have so much potential for mistakes. Especially when your mind doesn't let you forget the mistakes you have done." Lana said as she stared outside the window.

Roman was speechless. Even though Lana's tone sounded void, the sheer emotion in her words would have brought him down to his knees if he was standing.

Lana continued speaking, "It's not about living forever. It's about living with yourself forever." She paused, the silence deafening to Roman's ears. "I have travelled to many places in different times, I've seen things and I've done things. Things that I regret and things that I should regret but don't."

Lana turned to Roman with empty cold eyes and the expression on her face was like a slap to Roman's cheek. She looked like a different person. "I've killed. More than you can count. More than the sum of the people you have met and could ever hope to meet in the future. There is a predator side of me that thrives in the darkness that it lives in. I do not wish for you to see that part of me. It is not a beautiful sight. That side of me doesn't regret killing.

There were countless battlefields that I treaded upon. Sometimes I would lose all sense and reason and wouldn't even know why there was a battle in the first place or who's on which side. I would just kill. I went into those wars hoping that I would never come out." Roman tensed at hearing this. He couldn't fathom the thought of Lana being lost to him long ago, in a battlefield. "That never happened. At the end I would be the only one standing, covered in blood and countless corpses laying around me.

And regret is not something that I have... though I should, for all the lives that I took." Lana stopped and turned her head away from Roman so he couldn't see her face. After a moment, she turned to face Roman again.

She lifted her hand and wiped Roman's cheek. He hadn't even noticed he was crying until Lana had wiped his cheeks. "Knowing that I'm a monster is what haunts me. What pains me is that I have you as a mate." She said.

"You don't want me as your mate?" Roman quietly asked, his voice carrying traces of fear and sadness.

Lana gently grasped the sides of Roman's face between her hands and pulled him in closer to her. "I could not dream of having a better beloved. Don't ever think that there is a possibility that I may not want you. I want to have all of you; soul and body. Down to every second of the eternity if I can. You bring out the greed inside of me." Lana chuckled at the last part.

"Then don't be in pain." Roman replied with a conviction of steel. "The things you have told me, the things you have done... they don't scare me. I don't fear you."

"I know that you don't fear me, nor should you ever have a reason to Roman. I won't let any harm come to you from me or anyone else." Lana said and then circled her thumb on Roman's cheekbone. Her thumb slowly traveled downwards and gently trailed over Roman's soft, plump bottom lip.

His lips slightly parted at Lana's touch and Roman could feel a shiver of anticipation rolling over his body.

"I only wish that you didn't have a mate that caresses you with hands that are covered in blood." Lana said.

Roman started to say something to refuse what Lana had said but she stopped him with a finger on his lips.

"Before you say anything, I just want to add that I didn't tell you all of this to push you away from me. I'm selfish when it comes to you. I wouldn't want anything to separate us. I told you because you needed to know these things about me in order to decide for yourself whether you want me as your mate or not." Lana said.

She slowly retreated her finger from Roman's lips and took her hand away from him.

Roman didn't say anything for a few moments. In actuality, he could answer her in a blink of an eye. The answer was obvious and clear as daylight but no matter how certain Roman was of his answer, he knew that his quick answer would come across as rash and not thoroughly thought out to Lana. So he didn't reply right away.

In the meantime he decided to talk to Wolf about this.

'No-uh. Don't you dare insult me by thinking of asking me this Roman. Of course I want Lana as my mate.' Wolf said.

'You didn't miss any part of the conversation right?' Roman asked. Wolf usually listened and watched everything that went on, on the outside but there had been instances where Wolf hadn't paid any attention.

'Yeah I heard all of it.' Wolf replied, his voice sad.

'What did you think?' Roman quietly asked.

'All that our mate has been through... I can't find the right words to describe how I feel.' Wolf had never been in a shortage of words before. This was shocking all on it's own for Roman but he knew exactly how Wolf felt. 'And for the violent part of Lana... I'm a wolf, I'm a predator as well. I haven't killed anyone but that doesn't mean blood and violence are unknown concepts to me. She can call herself a murderer for all I care! I've seen the thirst she has for knowledge. I have seen her kindness, her compassion, her love and so much more. There isn't only evil or bad or whatever you want to call, inside her. She just can't see the light in all that darkness.'

'And I know you feel the same way when I say that I don't just love her for the light that is inside her. Good or bad, light or darkness, I love her.' Roman said.

'Good to know that we're on the same page buddy.' Wolf replied, the ever permanent satire returning to his tone. 'Now, can you say what we already knew out loud so that our mate can learn about it as well?'

Roman gave a little laugh inside his head to Wolf and then focused his attention back to Lana.

He turned Lana's head towards him and kissed her. Lana was caught off guard for a second but immediately returned the kiss. It was shorter than both of them would've liked but Roman had something to say.

Roman took a deep breath and said, "I don't have an affinity with words. I can talk for an hour with my simple words to tell you how and why I want you. I can show you my reasons..." Roman pulled Lana to him and rolled them on the bed so he was on top of Lana, "... with my actions." Lana looked up at Roman with undivided attention and amazement. "And I will do all of that, at every chance I get. But for now, I will only say this; the only thing I know I need to say for you understand me: I love you Lanakila."

Lana's eyes, her lips, and her spirit all at once smiled at Roman. Her face lit up in all the love and happiness she was feeling. Roman's smile was captivating on it's own as a response to seeing Lana's emotions.

Lana pulled Roman's face down for a kiss by his neck and showed him how ecstatic she was to hear him say that. The kiss was hard, urgent and passionate at first but then their lips slowed down and the love that they were feeling was gently seeping through their movements.

Lana's tongue licked Roman's bottom lip and she gently nibbled at it with her teeth, asking for permission to enter. Roman parted his lips and Lana invaded without a moment to waste. One of her hand was tangled in his hair and the other was travelling down the expanse of his naked back. Roman's breath quickened as her movements made him drunk on lust.

Roman's left hand travelled up Lana's arm, shoulder, neck, until he cupped Lana's right cheek. As they were kissing, Roman swiped his thumb over her cheekbone to caress her there but felt something wet.

He broke the kiss and slightly moved his head back to see the cause of the wetness.

There was a single trail coming down from Lana's right eye. And it was blood.

Now that Roman wasn't immersed in the kiss, his wolf senses could easily smell the metallic scent of blood.

"Your right eye... it's bleeding." Roman said concernedly. His brows furrowed as he looked at Lana confusedly.

Lana smiled up at him and said, "That's because I'm crying. Vampires have blood for tears instead of water."

Lana's explanation was meant to make things clearer... instead, Roman looked even more lost now.

"So you technically bleed when you cry?" Roman asked unsurely. Lana just hummed in response, which Roman took as a yes, as she continued playing with Roman's hair. "I still don't understand why you're crying." Roman said and gently wiped the blood-tear from Lana's cheek.

"I'm crying out of happiness cara mea." Lana said while lovingly looking into Roman's eyes. "I don't believe I have ever shed a happy tear before." Lana admitted and gave a carefree laugh in disbelief.

Roman was hypnotised as he watched his mate. Lana looked so full of life in that moment. There was not a single trace of the memories haunting her on her face. Doing something for the first time, even if it was something as peculiar as crying out of happiness, Lana looked like she was seeing the world anew. And Roman felt proud to know that he was the one to make her feel like this.

He vaguely noticed his wolf puffing out his chest and ruffling his fur in pride at the back of his mind.

Roman didn't think he could ever be able to make Lana witness something new, considering all the years she had lived, so this came as a pleasant surprise.

"I'm happy I was able make you experience something for the first time." Roman said as his face stretched in a smile in response to Lana's contagious one.

"Everything I do with you is unique." Lana kissed Roman on the lips. "Every kiss is a first." Then she took Roman's hand and placed it on her chest, right where her heart was located. Roman could feel her steady heartbeat. "Every emotion you spur in this heart is special to you and you only. No one has ever made me feel like this before."

Lana's words seeped into Roman's heart and made permanent residency right at the front, where he could always reach them. His eyes closed tightly and a tear involuntarily slipped past his guards. Roman gathered all of Lana's words and the warm feelings that came with them and wrapped them around himself like a cloak. Like a shield to protect him from any possible attacks.

He felt invincible.

Roman opened his eyes as he felt Lana gingerly wiping Roman's tear from his face. They both laughed as they looked at each other and noticed that both of them had cried because they were happy.

Their lips met in a love filled kiss and the sleep that Roman needed was long forgotten until sun was already breaking through the horizon.

******

I guess an apology is in order.

I know I took a long time to write this chapter. I'm sorry.

If you want to hear my reasons for it, I can tell you the fact that I'm in my senior year and it's hard to manage everything. Also I got stuck a little while writing this chapter.

But do not fret my dear readers! The summer is just around the corner and with the hot blazing sun making an appearance, so will more chapters!

The photo is a drawing I found that I think really suits what Lana told Roman about her past.

You don't need me to tell you this at the end of every chapter but.... *whispers in a hushed tone* I love you 💙