"Rin?" I blinked a few times and rubbed my eyes, curious if they were still swollen. I hummed and I heard Dad sit next to me on the empty pew. "You okay, son?" Underneath his overall tone, I sensed his concern. Something he seemed to be doing a lot more lately. I sighed heavily, nodding, and ultimately lying to him for the thousandth time. He was silent and I glanced at him before turning away. His crimson irises were prying, and I didn't want him digging too deep into my own eyes. He didn't need to know, he'd be better off. I looked over the empty nave, the stained glass scattered colorful rainbows of light off the wooden benches. I wondered sullenly where the rest of the altar boy's were.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I felt a bit of emotion well up inside me. "You can talk to me, kiddo." I bit my lip and shook my head.

"It nothing, Dad." He was silent, and I knew he wouldn't be brushed off so easily. Not after so many other attempts. I took a deep breath, "I just didn't get enough sleep last night."

He hummed and rubbed my shoulder, "I know, I heard." My head snapped to look a him, confusion no doubt shining through my expression. His lips quirked to the side a bit, but his expression remained perturbed. "You were in your bathroom, right?" I felt my cheeks tingle with shame, knowing exactly what he heard. I gave a small nod and his mouth twitched again. "It's not the first time I've heard you crying in there, Rin. You go there so you don't wake Yukio, right?" I shifted uncomfortably and turned to look away from him, my cheeks aflame. Once again, I nodded. "You're a good brother, you know that? Taking Yukio into consideration like that."

I remained silent and he sighed, "but what makes you so depressed, Rin?" I shook my head, but he continued. "Is everything alright in middle school, are you being bullied again?" I just sat still, unsure how to go about the situation. "Rin, look at me." Reluctantly, I met his gaze. His expression shifted to that of a more serious nature, and I swallowed hard. "Listen," he removed his hand from my shoulder to fix his glasses. For once, he was the one to look away from me, clasping his hands in front of him. "One of the boys cleaned your and Yukio's room while you were at school." I stiffened, my heart slowly beating a little faster. What did you do? What do I have to lie about now?

He cleared his throat and I felt a rock begin to settle lower and lower into my abdomen. "He saw how hard you boy's have been working at school and he wanted to do something for you guys. He didn't go through your stuff, if that's what you're curious about." A breath I didn't realize I was holding escaped my lungs and I relaxed into the pew, just slightly. "However, he changed your bedding."

"I noticed...." I was curious where this was going, my brain searching every possibility, but I was coming up empty.

"Rin." He shifted and stared at me, determination shining in his eyes. "Why are there sharp objects under your mattress?"

...

My jaw slacked and a surprised squeak squeezed passed my lips. I swallowed audibly and stood from the pew, deciding to run away rather than face my problems. "I don't know, I never go under there anyway." I went to turn away, but he gripped my wrist, and I winced, tearing my arm from his grasp. He quickly stood as well and gripped my shoulders.

"Rin, as your father, be honest with me our so help us both. Are you hurting yourself?" My eyes were burning and I let my head drop and my gaze settled on the floor. "Rin, please, you can tell me anything. I would never judge you, and if you are hurting yourself, I want to help you." Tears welled in my eyes and I bit my lip harshly to keep them at bay. Dad stayed silent, the sound of his heightened breathing the only sound in the room. I sniffled as a tear escaped and dropped to the tile below.

"Dad..." I sounded broken, like a frightened child, and I hated it. I sniffled again, and tried to explain myself, but the words wouldn't come out.

Suddenly, his warmth enveloped me, he hugged me tightly, tighter than he has in a long time. And I couldn't help it, I burst into tears, turning my face to sob into his shirt. I gripped at his clothes, my fingers hanging on so tightly that it hurt my palms. He hushed me, fingers caressing my hair as I sobbed, the jarring sound echoing off the altar walls. "You're okay, son, I'm here, I won't leave you."

I hiccuped and pulled away, messily wiping the tears and snot from my face to no avail. "I can't," I sputtered out between sobs, my chest hurting from the action.

"What do you mean? Can't what?"

"I can't," I repeated, shaking my head and pulling away more. "Can't talk 'bout it." I bit down on my lip to stop it from quivering and I ran my hands through my hair.

"Why not?"

"Because." He hummed and I felt him pull my hands from my head, I'd been pulling at the strands, my stress levels unbelievably high. He pleaded with me and I closed my eyes, another sob erupting from within. "Because I hate myself," venom laced my words, and even through the pain in my chest, I felt anger lace my veins and grip at my heart. "I hate who I am, not just how I look, it's how I act, who I am as I person, I hate the empty carcass I feel I've become." I seethed, my crying ebbing away into a sharper tone. My blood was heated and I was grinding my teeth.

"You're a good kid, Rin, you don't need to hate yourself." He sat back down on the pew, and I think he expected me to follow suit, but I didn't, I couldn't sit down.

I shook my head, "you don't understand." I rubbed my face harshly, "everyone else hates me, I might as well, too." I huffed, "I've always been different, and you know that. No one likes me because I have anger issues, but they never give me a chance!" I grunted and Dad sighed next to me.

"I understand where you're coming from, but this.... this isn't a healthy way to cope with that, Rin." He reached up and grabbed my hand, "show me what you do."

A chill ran down my spine and my immediate reaction was to pull away, but I didn't. He didn't need to see, he'll be upset, and think of me differently.

"I can't lose you, though." I whispered it, and I didn't know if he heard me, but he shifted forward and held my hand tighter in response.

"Why would you lose me, Rin, I'm not leaving you." I stifled my tears again, my lip quivering as I bottled my emotions. I shook my head. "I promise I will not leave you, Rin. You can trust me, I'd never lie to you." I peaked through my bangs to look into his red eyes. He was hurting and it killed me to know I was the cause. I grunted as I failed to keep my tears at bay, wiping my face with my free hand and Dad rubbed soothing circles into the other.

"I can't lose how you are. I have no one." He squeezed my hand and I reciprocated. "If you see... you'll be disturbed with me, you'll treat me differently." I blinked hard, trying to clear my vision, but the water works weren't stopping this time. "Hold me at arms length like the rest of them, always watching to make sure I don't snap or something. I don't want to be treated like I'm psychotic." I sniffled, "you're the only one who treats me like a human being, not some uncontrollable circus act. I can't lose that, I can't lose you."

I fell silent after my little rant, and so did my father. After a few moments I heard him sniff and my eyes shot up to see his teary eyes. "I'm sorry you've felt so ostracized, if I would've known, I would've done something much sooner. Please forgive me, Rin, I've failed you as a father."

I shook my head so fast it hurt my neck. "Please don't apologize, I hid everything from you so I wouldn't be a burden, it's my fault it got this bad." He tried to argue with me but I cut him off, "you can't know what I don't tell you, Dad. I suffer in silence because I choose to, it feels like my only option sometimes..." I trailed off into silence and we both gazed at each other for a few moments.

He broke the air, "suffered." My brows furrowed and I gave him a puzzled look, what did he mean? He gave me a sad smile, "you suffered in silence, but not anymore. From now on, come to me when things go awry, okay?"

I smiled with him and nodded, a small blooming of warmth spreading through my chest. Reassured by my expression, Dad turned his gaze to our clasped hands, his other hand dancing around the hem of my sweatshirt. "Will you please show me, son?" I swallowed hard, but nodded anyway. "Thank you, Rin, I know this must be hard for you. I promise I won't judge you. I would never." He gently pushed up my sleeve, exposing a few inches of my pale wrist. I heard him breath in sharply. His fingers traced over several silver lines before moving up to trail a puffy pink scar.

The marks on my wrist were very linear and organized, each on the same length and space apart. They were something I took a bit of a morbid pride into. However, as he flipped my wrist over, exposing my forearm, he skimmed past multiple smaller, haphazardly placed scars. Some of them looked more like deep punctures than actual cuts. He was silent as he processed the image before him, but he eventually raised his eyes to meet mine. "Are there any more?"

I swallowed and nodded slowly, shame tingling in my veins. He looked at me expectantly and I withdrew my hand, I grasped the zipper of my sweatshirt, but I hesitated. "You won't be mad?" I mumbled and I saw him shake his head.

"Never, not for something like this."

Only slightly reassured, I pulled the zipper down, a simple t-shirt underneath. I took a second to take a deep breath before pulling my arms from my sleeves. I tossed the garment to the side and waited for a response from my only parent.

"Oh Rin," his voice was pained and it pulled at my heart. He trailed my opposite arm, which mirrored the one he just held. Albeit, my left arm was worse off as I was right-handed. His eyes raked my skin, shifting upwards slowly, taking in scar after scar. He stopped however, when he saw the fresh cuts on both biceps. "When?" He whispered.

"Last night...." I was holding my breath, desperately trying to calm my racing heart. He nodded and gingerly touched the new wounds, fresh scabs covered them, and I hadn't taken too much effort to clean and cover them. As he analyzed, he gently scraped dried blood from around each cut. I was slightly embarrassed he had to see such a mess. I usually took care of my wounds, usually spending most of my meager income on medical supplies. However, last night I was tired and didn't want to deal with it.

Abruptly, Dad stood up, and I barely registered that before he was hugging me, I wrapped my bare arms around him, taking comfort in the way he smelled. "No more, okay? Come to me when you feel the need to do this." I nodded and he sighed into my hair. "I want everything you have for this, before Yukio comes home I want you to clear it all out of your room and your bathroom. Got it?" I nodded again and he hummed. He pulled away and ruffled my hair, a lighthearted thing to do in such a heavy situation. He smiled widely at me and I felt my own lips quirk. "You will never lose me, Rin. Never hesitate to come to me. I'll always be here to listen, okay?" I nodded and he sighed in relief. "I love you, kiddo."

My lips pulled into a full smile, "I love you, too, Dad."

.oOo.

...
...
...
...
"I'll never lose you?"
"You'll always be there to listen?"

Why did you lie to me, Dad?