Chapter 19

Noah drove me back in silence, and I watched the city coming to life in front of me. Once I was able to recover from the high he'd dazed me into with his kisses and his touch, my brain was buzzing with questions and doubts. What would I tell Eleanor?

I didn't want to give up on whatever this thing was, what Noah and I had, but in doing so, I was really just stabbing Eleanor in the back and I didn't want to do that. I never wanted to do that. I wondered if my thoughts were loud enough that the woman walking down the street could hear them. What if she was listening to every single question running through my mind? What advice would she have to share?

We passed her by even before I had a chance to clearly see her face.

Even with the usual hustle, Noah was parking a block away from my apartment soon enough, and I couldn't wait till I could escape from the clutches of his perfume and the sage from his car. It had to stop infiltrating my mind, it had to allow me to think freely.

"When are you planning on telling her?" He asked, running a hand through his hair.

"I don't know." I shrugged, not having a better response.

Undoing his seatbelt, Noah leaned over, opening the door for me, as he always did. It was endearing, but the only thought in my head was, did he do this for her too?

I unlocked my seatbelt, grabbing my phone and making an exit, only to be stopped by Noah's warm hand on my wrist, preventing my escape.

"Don't I get a kiss?"

I was drained by my thoughts. Having no more energy to fight my attraction, but also no more energised to start an argument about this, I kissed his cheek softly, before making my escape. If Noah was disappointed, he didn't show. He just drove away as soon as I was out.

I picked up some eggs from the corner store before heading up, finding the house silent. River had still not woken up and Nathan had probably left for work by now. I did a quick sweep of the house, dusting the shelves off dust and rearranging the cushions in the living room.

"What's on your mind?" River yawned, finally emerging from the cave.

"Nothing," I propped the photoframe against the wall again, now sparkling clean.

"You're cleaning the house," she pointed out, as if that made everything obvious.

"Well we're obviously not rich enough to afford house cleaners, so," I shrugged, continuing on to dusting off imaginary webs off the curtain railings.

"Come on, you become obsessed with cleaning when you don't want to think about something. It's like you just train your mind to shut down and just do robotic jobs." River might have been the most absent roommate, but she was incredibly perceptive to have picked up on that. I dropped the feather duster on the ground, folding my knees to my chest and leaning on her shoulder. The weight of my lies was killing me, and I needed to tell someone before I would be crushed under it.

"I kissed Noah today," I confessed.

"Isn't that a good thing? You can't stay a little miss virgin forever!"

I blushed, despite her words being far from true, "It's good, I really like him. But..."

"But?" She swatted my hands as I picked at the ends of her sweater.

"But Eleanor likes him too," I grumbled, sinking further into her. I told River everything, and the words kept spilling out of my mouth till I narrated the events of this morning.

"I don't know, like... I thought I didn't like him, but this weekend was just like a.. Wake up call, of sorts. I feel miserable without him, but like, I feel awful knowing how much he means to Ele and I don't think I can ever repay her for what she did. I mean, the least I could have done is stay away from him."

"But you can't," she patted my head, "and you shouldn't."

"But I feel so bad about-"

"Shush," River clamped my mouth with her hand, "It's nice to be considerate towards your friends, but it's nicer to be considerate towards yourself."

I didn't have time to think over it before the doorbell rang, and panic settled over me again. What would I say to Eleanor?

"Okay, you didn't go to college, exactly like you planned. We'll tell her when you're ready, cool?" River reassured me with a hug, before running away to open the door. The potent smell of her perfume hit me first, before Eleanor waltzed into the living room, a disdainful look on her face.

She looked me over once, "Wow it's like you've stopped putting in efforts at all."

Jeez, what was wrong with her today?

I thought my basic white tee shirt and black leggings were very minimalist and chic, but of course Eleanor didn't agree. She dropped her bag on the counter top, rolling her lovely blonde hair into a perfect bun at the nape of her neck. I sighed. I would never have hair like that.

"Let's get started, shall we?"

"Fair warning, it's worse than what you'll expect," River warned before leading Eleanor to the room. I counted to ten before following.

Eleanor was, for lack of better words, freaking out. The mess in River's room was by no means easy to pick through, and we had only cleared a fraction of the whole area. I had found a comfortable spot between a few piles of books and some mountain of clothing, going through the rubbish in one of the drawers we had pulled out. Eleanor was rummaging through the bookshelf, dumping all trinkets and bits into the trash without a second thought. They weren't adding any charm to her room, so they had to go.

I, on the other hand, looked through each item carefully. Did it bring any value to her? Was River holding on to this for some sentimental reasons? Unquestionably though, some things like rusted paper clips and papers with rat bites through it had to go to the trash can. Immediately. I found a snowglobe that River claimed to hate and almost wanted to preserve it for myself till she glowered at me. I promptly put it in the trash.

"Ooh, River!" Eleanor called, shoving a bookmark towards her, "Who is he?"

Oh, it was a photostrip, not a bookmark.

River looked much, much younger, like she was in high school. She wore a flannel shirt tied around her waist, so I guessed it would be a couple years ago. Next to her was a boy, whom she seemed very close to. I mean, they were touching tongues in the last picture.

River dropped the shirt she had been folding, biting her lip as she was probably reminiscing.

"That," she sighed heavily, "is Brian. We were high school sweethearts."

Eleanor dropped everything she was doing and sat down, expectantly looking at River to continue. River however, was a disappointment, "Well nothing, we just grew apart and now we're in two different places in life. I'm living in a trashcan and he's moving to London, last I heard, working with some big documentary director or something."

I was sure she knew more than that, but I didn't push. Eleanor did not give up anyway, "What do you mean, just grew apart? Were you in love with him?"

"I thought I was. I mean, I was seventeen. What does love mean to you then? We were just cool together and he was a good kisser. He wrote my name on his skateboard. We thought we were in love, until we realised that we were just comfortable."

"Do you guys still follow each other?"

"Yeah, we even text sometimes. He wishes me on birthdays and stuff. I congratulated him when he got this new gig. Just because we broke up doesn't mean I hate him."

"What made you give up finally?"

"He cheated. I mean, he was the one who admitted first, at least. It was stupid Jessica from choir. And I hated myself for a while, I hated how I kept comparing myself to her. She was prettier. Her brown hair somehow was shinier than my blonde, her skin was clearer than mine. She was thinner, she was prettier. She scored better in tests. Obviously, I was the problem. I mean, I knew Brian and I weren't working out, but I found it easier to think I was the problem."

"Oh my god, I would have killed him," Eleanor furrowed her brows.

River smiled bitterly, "Can you be mad at someone who is just trying to find their happiness?"

I thought about it for a minute.

No, I could never.

I hoped Eleanor couldn't either. 

***

Imagine River as an emo kid. Just saying.

***

Apart from that, over this weekend, Bittersweet happened to rank #2 on the NewAdult Hotlist and honestly, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. I've gained a very significant number of readers over the weekend, so thank you for reading my story and giving it a chance!

If you liked this chapter, please don't forget to vote and comment!

Happy reading,

Pari