Chapter 37

NOAH STERLING

I didn't even go home. I drove blankly, finding myself parked at the airport before I even knew it. If I had accidentally skipped a traffic light or ten, I wouldn't have realised. Fuck. The guilt building up inside me was intensified by what I knew about Bri's mom. I had never been a very careless driver anyway, but just knowing this... I was always double checking mirrors and slowing on intersections since this.

I took the first flight out, landing in Seattle four hours later with only a wallet and a dead phone. With a charger purchased at the airport, I hailed a cab to a hotel, checking in for the weekend. Even if Bri wasn't holding it over my head at the moment, part of me was not convinced to stay at Jen's place anymore.

Bri.

I sighed, rubbing my hand over my face as exhaustion took over me, yet the sleep never came. The non descript hotel room remained lit up as I stared at the ceiling the whole night, just thinking of nothing and everything at once. I worried that I had screwed things beyond repair now, and that somehow we had again ended up in a situation that was ruining our relationship.

Discomfort rose in my body at around 6.30 am, so I stripped off my clothes and shut my eyes, only to be haunted by the hurt in her eyes as I walked out of her apartment. I had wanted to stay, I had wanted to hold her, I had wanted to take my words back and never say them again.

Why had I been stupid enough to talk about her mom like that? I hadn't been thinking and I hadn't been listening to her. I was only treating it as an argument, and Noah Sterling had to win everything. Except, I shouldn't have been competing with Brianna.

Lord have mercy on me.

I thought about how her lips quivered as she asked me to leave, but how they also quivered when I kissed her neck, how she shivered at the smallest of touches.

I was fucked.

Not literally, well it had been a long time I'd seen a woman naked under me, but I was truly fucked over my this tiny twig of a woman. Since when had Noah Sterling become so enchanted by any woman? They were supposed to get in his bed and leave when he had taken what he wanted. They weren't supposed to make him feel like his heart would explode if they left. Even with the exhaustion taking over me, I couldn't keep my eyes shut. My mind kept going to Brianna, my sweet, adorable, innocent Brianna.

I'm just tired of being hurt by you.

How do you recover from that? How selfish would I be if I somehow made her stay. Stay with me, while I keep hurting you. Give me love, and I can only give you pain in return. Could I ever forgive myself?

I didn't realise the time till the reception called me at 8 am, as I had requested. Fuck.

I cleaned up as best as I could, cringing when I had to put the same clothes on as last night. After breakfast, I planned to pick up a few clothes for the duration of my stay. The breakfast spread was incredible, and while I knew I shouldn't be having anything more than the omelettes and toast, my feet carried me to the pancakes. I stacked three and poured an unhealthy dose of syrup on it, taking a chair in the far corner of the room. The hotel was quiet, and the few people in the hall with me were too engrossed in their phones to make any noise.

Gingerly, I took a forkful in my mouth, body seizing up at the sickeningly sweet taste. I swallowed with much difficulty, trying to finish it in big bites, as if that would reduce my suffering.

Seattle sucked as a city, it truly did. But I was a frequent visitor here, and the familiarity of the city put me a little at ease. Exploring a familiar city again brought back some strong memories, and the touch of nostalgia calmed my nerves a little. I picked up a few clothes and a new pair of shoes, getting a text alert from Dad after one large purchase.

Dad: Seattle?

Noah: Jen's Halloween party. Will be back in time for LJ's birthday.

Dad: Ok

That was the majority of our conversation all the time. After mom, I had distanced myself ever so slowly that he probably presumed I knew nothing, just was trying to land on my feet without his help. If he knew what I had in mind for the future...

I was walking down the streets with more bags than my fingers would want to carry when I had to stop in front of the display window of a store. The shiny item behind the glass looked perfectly unrequired, but it was a purchase I couldn't pass up. It had been on Brianna's mind for a long time, and if I couldn't stop hurting her, at least I could do one nice thing for her. I might have never signed out of her Amazon account once she had logged in from my laptop and I knew this was in her wish list for about a month. I marched in the store, making a purchase for two of them, having them delivered to the hotel room for the time being.

With a lot of difficulty, I managed to book an Uber back to the hotel, passing by Jen's house on my way. I'd meet her tonight, I planned in my head, for now I just wanted to wallow in self pity. Like a fool, I dropped my bags in my room before heading out again, having forgotten to pick up cigarettes earlier. No patience for finding a decent store, I picked the first shady small shop I could find, grabbing two boxes- cigarettes and condoms out of habit. It was only after I reached the hotel again that I realised one of those was of no use to me.

Unless...

Jen had picked me up in time for dinner, blue eyes full of sympathy. Fuck, I hated that look in her eyes. We drove to her apartment in silence, not questioning the state of my hair or the look of sheer guilt in my eyes. Her home cook, Julien had prepared a roasted chicken dish with glazed carrots on the side, and the only sound that could be heard was the scraping of cutlery against the glass plates. That is, until Jen spoke up, as usual, her words sharp and wounding, "When will you stop fucking up, Noah?"

"I didn't come here for your smart mouth," I swallowed the chopped carrot, washing it down with the wine. It wasn't my favorite, but Jen had very specific tastes, so I stayed mum.

"Why are you running away then? I thought you had a good thing going on with this girl."

"Brianna," Even saying her name hurt, "And I'm not running away. She asked me to leave."

"Did she ask you to come see me?"

I shook my head, a frustrated sigh falling out of my chest. So I told Jen. I told Jen as much as I could and she listened. It was funny how she always listened, she always cared and I never could. I admired how she never made me feel guilty about it. It takes special strength to acknowledge that you love someone and that was the reason you chose to stay away. I wasn't sure if I could do this with Brianna. I couldn't love her from afar. If that made me weak, then so be it. I was weak enough to want to fall to my knees for the tiny midget.

"Sounds like you've fucked up again, but not as badly as you did with me, you know?"

I grimaced. I've done a lot of things I wasn't proud of, but Jen was possibly the worst example of all. All my sins could probably be forgiven, but her? No chance. I'd burn in hell for all of eternity, and that still wouldn't be enough.

"So you mean to say I stand a chance?"

"Maybe," she pursed her lips, "But she sounds like she has a strong will. It won't be easy."

I almost laughed. When have Brianna and I ever known easy?

With a plan in place, I diverted my attention to Jen again, who was talking about all the help she needed from me for tomorrow's party. She paused in the middle of her rambling, "Wait, what are you dressing up as? Pretty sure you left your Spiderman thing at home."

I didn't have to think much. I had given up on the Spiderman plan more than a week ago, "I'll just have to pick up an all white suit."

Jen looked visibly confused, "What's that supposed to be, an angel? God?"

I could have laughed. Angels weren't massive fuck ups like me. "The blonde guy from Hunger Games."

"Peeta?"

I nodded. That one. I'd not paid a lot of attention in the theatre when I'd seen it, so the names were a little muddled in my head. But if Jen said Peeta, then Peeta it was. Even if I wasn't around my Katniss, I was hers.

When Jen had said her party was going to be the spookiest in all of Seattle, she hadn't been lying. The room was filled with creepy dolls, spiderwebs and bones and other disgusting things. Even her guests were gross and absolutely nuts with their make up and over the top outfits. I felt bad almost for thinking this, but it was like standing in a room full of Eleanors. It was suffocating, and I wanted out. Silently sipping a beer, I scrolled through my Instagram watching how the rest of the team was celebrating their Halloweens. Jeff and Kevin were at Kyle's party getting wasted, dressed as the twins from Fairly Oddparents, which suited them nicely. Two halves of a whole idiot.

Mikhail was actually sensible enough to go home to his family and was playing poker while watching some Halloween movie played in the background. Alex and Daniel were at Sophie's party, as were multiple people I knew. After three or four people's pictures, it was easy to recognise the party and I could pay more attention to the people. Sophie was a zombie Cinderella of sorts, and the make up looked too real to be just her handiwork. I saw Laila in the back dressed up as Batwoman, and a few other people I vaguely recognised as people in Bri's class.

Tap, tap, tap. My fingers skipped through the posts quickly, skimming through everything. Eleanor was the green fairy with the golden glitter, short dress leaving nothing to the imagination. I mean, I was all for women wearing what they wanted, but Eleanor's insecurities were ugly and they showed.

I didn't know if I should be glad or ashamed that I didn't remember much about our... time, because that would have made me awkward around her for the rest of my life. I wondered how she was dealing with it. I didn't think their friendship would really last, given that El told me about -

What. Did. I. Just. See?

I swiped back to the previous story, paying more close attention to what was happening in the background. The girl in front wasn't one I remembered, but behind her I could see someone in an all black outfit, a quiver of arrows strung on her back. The dark hair was braided, yet long, and the similarities were far too many for it to be anyone else.

If Brianna had been doing anything else, I could have suffered in silence. I could have taken a step back and just allow my heart to hurt. But did she have to be kissing someone else?

Fuck Halloween. 

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I know no one likes Noah right now, but.... he's sorry?

Lol I kinda don't like him at the moment, so feel free to vent about him here. I'd join you :)

Also, what did he get for Brianna?  Can forgiveness be bought?