Chapter 47

** This one physically hurt me so much. Not just because it's the last chapter, but because of what it means for Bri and Noah. Be warned there is a long author's note after this chapter. **

NOAH STERLING

I watched her as she gasped at the decor I'd arranged for. A lot of the plants on this floor were dying and had little hopes of recovery, so Mason had been kind enough to drape them in fairy lights and even allowed me to paste notes on a few of them. In my absence, I hoped the notes would do the job.

Bri looked at me with those big almond eyes, awe and admiration across her face. My heart hurt to think of the fact that I could make her cry as much as I did. From the corner of the room, I brought out a cliched looking red and white picnic blanket, spreading it on the ground in the middle of the room. She laughed, her voice echoing across the room.

"Sit." I pulled out the basket I'd prepared for her, filled with all the things that I knew she would love. With a handful of pillows, we made the small spot comfortable and settled down to eat.

Just as Bri was opening the basket, I said, "One last thing." With the small remote that Mason had given to me before leaving, I pressed a button to see a miracle happening. The roof of the conservatory went from being opaque to glass, and revealed the night sky to us. Because it was on the outskirts of a small town, we could see the stars shining in the sky, moonlight soaking our skins.

Bri appeared mesmerized. Her lips were slightly parted open as she took in the sight, face literally shining under the natural lights. With another button, I turned off all the artificial lights remaining in the room so we could have this intimate moment together.

Under the stars, far away from the city, I remembered that I had ticked all of Sophie's boxes. She'd sent me a long voice note detailing Brianna's likes and dislikes, and that would stay in my inbox forever. Even when it would be of no use to me.

We talked in hushed whispers, as if the beauty of the moment was sacrosanct, the smallest of noises would tear apart the fabric of the night. Even our laughs were muted, but she sounded content. That was more than what I could ask for.

We ate the food I'd arranged for in silence, and I suffered all the while as Bri insisted on cuddling up with me like we would in her bed. So small and so warm, I wondered how I would ever be able to live without this. Stuffed to our capacities, we lay on our backs again, Bri's head resting on my arm, just looking at the stars above.

I looked at the time. Okay, Noah. Deep breaths. Now or never.

"Bri... do you think the universe ever tries to manifest our deepest desires?"

She looked at me for a moment, before looking at the stars again, "I don't know if the universe knows me that intimately. But I do believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. Like, in the grand scheme of things, it must have been necessary."

Necessary?

How was it necessary for the gentlest soul I've known to have faced so much loss and pain in one small life? How does a heart that small hold that much grief? And after all of it, how does it still love a wreck?

"So you think it was necessary for us to have crossed paths?"

"Yes," she said with so much conviction, I almost swallowed my words. But I had to get them out of my mouth, because she deserved better. And I was not it. Yet.

"And it was necessary for me to hurt you like that?"

Her face scrunched. Ever since she kissed me outside the locker rooms we hadn't had a talk about this seriously. I regretted the fact that I rushed into her bed when she was clearly an emotional wreck and I regretted it even more knowing that her bed had never known a lover who could make her truly happy.

"Maybe," she said slowly, but I could tell that something had shifted inside her, "We don't know what the grand scheme of things is. We'll know someday and then we'll figure it out."

This was not working like the conversation I'd played out in my head.

"You think this will work?"

"What?"

"Us. I mean, we're always fighting one thing or the other. When are you ever happy with me?"

Her eyes watered. Fuck fuck fuck. Why had I not prepared myself for this possibility, knowing full well that this could happen?

"I always keep hurting. When have I ever not fucked up things with you?"

"You said you'd do better. You said I make you want to be good." she mumbled, tightening her grip on my shirt as she snuggled into my side.

"I want to be good enough for you, Brianna. Trust me. But we both know, I'm nowhere close. I hate myself for the hurt I've caused to you, and I still can't look at you with conviction and say I'll never cheat on you. That I'll never drink and get behind a wheel. I know I'd do it because that's what I am right now. I need to work on myself, Bri."

"We can't do it together?" She raised herself so she could look at me. I put on the sternest one I could muster. Part of working with dad was dealing with gruesome facts and still keeping a steel face and iron stomach. I tried my best to adapt to it now.

Brianna's face was the murder scene and the weapon and motive was laid out in front of her.

"I don't think so, Bri. I'll just end up ruining you."

"Then do it," she reached to cup my face, "ruin me if you must. Just don't... please don't walk away."

I sat up, taking her soft fingers in my hand, watching her face crumble, "In the grand scheme of things, if we're meant to be, I'll find you someday. And I won't hurt you. I'll make you happy. But you know I can't be that person now. I am so far away from that. Someday when I grow up, when I am close to as matured as you are, we'll meet again. I promise you. I'll carry you in my heart forever, Bri."

Bri's face was red, and I didn't need the lights of the room to see the tears streaming down her face. Her sobs wrecked me, and I felt like the iceberg that hit the Titanic.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," she mumbled, leaning her head against my shoulder, sniffling once before her crying was fully blown out and she shed tears all over my shirt. My shirt was the least of my concerns, all I cared about was her.

"Why did you do all of this then? Why did you bring me here?"

"I love you," I whispered, voice catching in my throat, "And I want to see you happy before I let you go. I want to show you that I will keep you happy when I finally come back. I can't fix myself and work on our relationship at the same time."

"What makes you think I'll wait for you?"

My heart stopped. I would never have the strength to see her with another guy, but for her, for her I had to.

"Then at least I'll know I did the right thing." I swallowed, angry that a tear would slip through the strong posture I was trying to maintain.

"Right thing? For whom is this the right thing? You're hurting me again! And you can pretend to be as unaffected as your face says, Noah but I know you hate doing this too. Right thing my fucking arse!"

Bri cursing was cold water on a sleeping man, and it jolted me to the core that I could hold that much power over her.

"This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore." I said, pressing my forehead to hers, "I love you Bri." Even as she shook her head, I continued, "I love you so fucking much that I can't keep doing this to you."

Wiping her tears on the sleeves of her sweater, she looked at me. In silence, we stared at each other, foreheads pressed, hands entwined, knees touching.

"I hate you," she said finally, closing the distance between us and kissing me one last time. It was soft and tender, as she always is, and I hoped I could translate every bit of my love for her in the kiss.

"I know," I said, holding her close, unwilling to let her go just yet.

"I hate you so much," she sniffled again, nose buried in my neck and I took the quick second to wipe my tears away. This was good. This was what I wanted. I hated it, but I had achieved what I needed to do. Even with my heart shattering, I had a small part of me satisfied with the outcome. How could one heart hold that many emotions?

This was bittersweet, and I couldn't think of another word to describe us better. Of course, Bri was all things bright and wonderful, and I was the fuck up. But someday I hoped I would deem myself fit for her. For now, my only job was to hold her tight as she cried, so I did just that.

We spent the rest of the night looking at each other, the stars and just wondering where we went wrong in our lives to end here. So close, we were less than a hair's breadth away but with miles of distance between us. We couldn't have been closer emotionally, but our minds and our lives were elsewhere. I knew there was a part of Bri that knew we were doomed from the beginning, but this reality hurt us in ways that we couldn't imagine.

As the night waned, and light started filtering through, Brianna turned over, pushing me so I was flat on my back and sitting on top of me. Her face was splotchy and red, "I just want to memorize you here." Her words were hoarse, but the meaning was not lost on me.

So under the stars, as our relationship died, I made love to her. I made sure not to leave any marks, I made sure she felt how loved she was. I made sure she felt good, I made sure her eyes were on me as I told her what an amazing fucking person she was. Tired and exhausted, she almost couldn't keep her eyes open when she finished, so I pulled out, holding her close for one last time. She snuggled up to me, her back pressed to my front.

I memorized the smell of her skin, the softness of her hair. As she fell asleep, I memorized the curve of her lips and the small button of her nose. Everything about this tiny fiery girl was making me a slave to her, but I had to go. I had to leave before I no longer had the strength.

"Stay," she mumbled even in her sleep. My heart skipped a beat. Should I?

I pulled out the small package that I'd picked from Ralph's store, taking the locket out and letting it rest on Brianna's neck. One of the notes here would tell her that this was my mother's belonging, polished to look new. Brianna wouldn't have a chance to return it to me.

I'd be gone in the morning when she'd wake up.

*** THE END ***

Holy hell, what?!

Dedication to this lovely human for being one of the most consistent readers, and for voting and commenting on literally every chapter! The comments really made my day, made me feel seen and heard, and they always had great points to make, so I absolutely adore you!