My eyeballs felt like someone was trying to gouge them out from behind... with a plier. I groaned as I slowly regained consciousness. My eyes watered as I pried my eyelids apart, my head protesting against the effort.

"Rachel. You're awake"

My brain took the unexpected sound like one would take a hammer to the skull.

I groaned in pain, shutting my eyes tight against the intense sensation.

I felt dad's hand on my head, tucking my hair aside, away from my face. Slowly, I opened my eyes again. They were all cloudy now. I felt a tear slide across my temples onto the bed.

"Dad?" I looked up at him. He was smiling, but his worry was very detectable.

I let my eyes glide over my surroundings. This wasn't my room. That realization made my headache even worse.

What was I doing in a hospital ward? What sort of ward was this? How had I gotten... ?

At that last question, the memories rushed back to me with such harshness that I bit my bottom lip against the pain so much that I tasted the metallic taste of blood.

I had passed out in the kitchen, just after I had taken...

My eyes widened. Oh My God!

I sat up on the bed with energy I never knew I had, heart thundering against my ribcage.

The pain that followed made me cry out. Dad held me comfortingly, and we remained that way till the pain subsided considerably.

"Dad. Can we go home?" I asked him, eyes pleading.

Dad frowned.

"Rachel. You need proper medical attention. Besides, the doctor isn't back with your reports yet," he informed me.

If it was possible, I was sure my face would've gotten even paler than it already was.

Reports?! I had been tested?! Oh My God! What if they found... ?!

Someone cleared his throat behind us. My heart sank as I turned to find a man clad in a white-robe. His mustache quivered as his gaze fixed on me. He peered at me through thick round spectacles, his lips set in a thin line.

"Doctor?" Dad questioned.

At that point, I wanted to just die. Right there and then. That would have been so much better than what I was sure was about to happen.

My breathing became laboured. I was panicking.

No, please no...

"Rachel,was it?" the bespectacled doctor asked. I nodded stiffly, my mouth dry. Dad sent me a worried look as I gripped the bedsheets in both fists, struggling to regulate my breathing. "Don't worry, Mr. Brown. She's just fine. A few pain relievers and some sleep will do the job."

Dad looked skeptical as he took my left hand in his, squeezing, but this time, it gave me no comfort whatsoever.

"However, I think Rachel might have something to confess to you," the doctor's intelligent grey eyes fixed on me again, degrading, disapproving. "I went through your medical records. You've been having therapy sessions twice a week. However, no medication was prescribed for your nerves. Am I right?"

I couldn't look at dad. I must have stopped breathing at this point.

"Doctor. What are you trying to say?" dad asked. My heart was beginning to shred within me.

Even after the doctor's gaze left mine, I kept staring ahead.

"We found huge amounts of amitriptyline in her system, Mr. Brown."

All air left the ward. Everything was silent.

Why wouldn't the ground open up and swallow me?

"I-I don't understand. No medicinations were prescribed for her..." dad said, confusion lacing his voice.

"She might have some confessions to make. Rachel?"

I jumped, startled at the sudden mention of my name.

"Rachel?" Dad's voice was no longer the usual soothing one that babied me. "Can you explain what is going on here?"

I remained staring ahead, frozen by panic.

"Rachel!" Dad suddenly snapped, grabbing my shoulders and turning me to face him. "Tell me you haven't been taking medications behind my back. Tell me they made a mistake."

Tears slipped from both my eyes.

"Dad I..."

I couldn't bear to look into his eyes. There was fear, fear at the possibility of what I'd done, confusion at whether or not to trust me, and disappointment... so much disappointment.

"I'm sorry," I looked down at my hands.

"Mr. Brown. I suggest you discuss with her therapist. Detaching from Elavil won't be easy. Her system is most likely dependent on it by now. She'll need extra sessions as the effect on her mental health will be tremendous..." the doctor droned on and on, and I didn't hear most of what he said.

All I could sense was my father's disappointment. It choked me, clogged my throat, squeezed my heart... All my initial pain was forgotten as I sobbed silently, regret plaguing me.

The ride home was silent. I stared down at my hands all through the journey, pulling at my fingers and continuously tapping my feet with nervous energy.

Dad had said nothing ever since my not-so-direct confession, and that made me feel even worse.

He had believed in me, and I had let him down. I had let him down real bad...

Dad pulled over into our garage, the car jerking forward slightly as we came to a halt. He remained seated that way for several seconds. I didn't dare reach for the door knob. After a few more seconds, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Dad..."

"Go straight to your room, and don't leave until I tell you to,"dad interrupted me. Tears stung my eyeballs. I swallowed, reaching for the doorknob. "No, the guest room. Stay in the guest room."

I understood. The pills were in my room.

I clenched my fist against the knob, then pulled, letting myself out.

As my legs took me across the threshold, I felt like I had just walked into a trap.

Everyone was in the living room. Even Xander.

"Rachel dear!" Mum was the first to notice me. "You're okay. Oh I was so worried."

My heart broke even more.

"Hey mum," I said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"Rachel. Now."

Dad had stepped in behind me. I bit the inside of my cheek till I drew blood, pushing down the torrent of emotions that threatened to overwhelm me.

I turned and headed for the only room on the first floor, avoiding the eyes of them all.

The few hours I spent in the room felt like forever. I sat on the ground, knees hugged to my chest, head cradled between them.

I sobbed my heart out, ignoring my mounting headache. There was no fixing this. They would hate me now.

Now? C'mon Rachel. We both know they've never loved you. They only kept up the pretense because you're supposed to be family...

Now, you've given them a valid reason to hate you...

I buried my face even deeper between my knees, so much that there was barely any air to breathe.

What's the point in living anyway... You never deserved this life in the first place. It was all at my expense...

My chest began to hurt from the lack of oxygen, but I only increased the pressure against my knees, hugging them tighter so that they blocked out all entrances for sufficient air.

I should just end it right here...

Yes. You should...

It would make everything so much easier for them...

And they won't have to worry about defective and broken Rachel...

My brain reeled. My arms began to tremble, but I held on with all the strength left in me. Once I succeeded, it would all be over...

The door opened. Startled, my entire set up crumbled. The sudden intake of air into my oxygen-starved lungs induced a cough so intense that I doubled over, wheezing.

Dad silently rubbed my back as I coughed until I finally stabilized.

Is that the best you can do? Andrew taunted. C'mon Rachel. If you want to kill yourself, at least try something that is sure to do the job. I thought you were smart...

Fear crawled into my chest as I realized what I had been doing. Oh My God! I had tried to kill myself!

~~~
Pretty sad way to try to kill one's self, am I right?
Sadly, this is a reality . Sometimes one can get so overwhelmed that he or she would just try anything, no matter how odd, to end it all...

Away from Rachel, today,I had one of the most intense panic attacks I've ever had in a while...But my Beloved was there with me, and He was my 'Rachel's dad' and more🤭🤭

Point is, these things are real, but once you have Jesus, He will never cease to be your comfort🥹

So... As usual, a vote and a comment please🥺

I sincerely mean it when I say I love you guys🥰
Keep shining, and don't let anyone get you down❤️❤️