The scream that heralded my waking must have reverberated throughout the house.

Nausea was the next thing that assaulted me, inducing such a dizziness that I stumbled all the way to the bathroom, gripping frantically at anything that offered a sense of support.

The world was spinning like a top, blurring everything into a mess of smeared colors and shapes. My fear had kept me from turning off the lights before going to bed. Now I regretted it. The illumination only worsened my disorientation.

I made it to the bathroom just in time before emptying all the contents of my stomach into the WC. My hands trembled as I gripped the round edge of the basin like my life depended on it.

My hair hung over my face, obscuring my vision and getting caught in the torrent of vomit. How that much food had stored in my stomach was a mystery. Dad had only managed to get two spoons of mac and cheese into my mouth yesterday.

It took a ton of effort to keep from sobbing. But I knew I mustn't cry, or I would end up choking…That would not at all be a pretty picture.

Every breath worsened my nausea, but I had to keep breathing if I was to stay alive.

I slid to the ground, struggling to find balance in my overturned world.

My entire body was still trembling, and the nausea did not lessen.

I stared down at my hands. At least they looked solid…

Terror made my eyes widen and my heartbeat picked up pace. I completely forgot how to breathe in a matter of seconds.

There were scars across the knuckles of my right hand and one long one across my palm.

“No no no…” I whispered frantically, my chest constricting. Laughter rang in my ears, loud and taunting. Andrew's laughter. This time, the tears were unstoppable. “No. Get it off!" I yelled in panic.

Yes. I know. It made absolutely no sense. It wasn't like scars could be pulled off like paper tape. But my mind was in such a mess that reasoning was unreachable.

I stumbled to my feet, Andrew's voice following me as I dragged myself to the hand basin.

“No…” I sobbed, grabbing my soap bar and scrubbing aggressively against the whitish slashes in my skin. That also didn't make sense, but I didn't realize that. "Get off. Please, no…"

I was in a state of utter panic, screaming and sobbing at the same time. My usually pale skin reddened drastically as I scrubbed even more aggressively.

“Rachel!"

Suddenly, dad was next to me. I hadn't heard the door unlock. I paid him no mind, scouring my palm even harder.

Dad grabbed my hands, gently trying to pry them apart.

“What are you doing?" He asked in a controlled voice. I sobbed harder, not stopping. “Rachel, you're hurting yourself."

“Get it off dad… " I pleaded, my left arm growing weak.

“Get what off, baby?" He asked, concern lacing his voice.

“The scars!" I screamed, hysterical tears accompanying the words.

“Rachel." He tried to soothe me, holding me securely while slowly pulling my hands apart.

“No!" I tried to slip out of his grasp, but he held me firmly.

“Rachel, baby. I need you to calm down…”

"I can't…"

“Rachel. Look," he told me, placing my right hand beneath the running water of the tap, rinsing the lather away. “Rachel…”

At first, I didn't see what he was talking about, then I did.

I stopped struggling, all the panicked energy rushing out of me. Confusion set in, but it didn't have a seat for too long since fear came along the next second.

“But…I…I don't understand…I…The scars. They were…They were right there…” I stuttered, my breath trembling.

Where there had been long terrifying scars only a moment ago, there was now…nothing. Just my flesh reddened from the over-scrubbing.

Andrew began to laugh again, hard and long in my head, re-echoing in my ears.

“Hey. Baby, it's okay…” dad tried to hug me.

I slid to the ground, tears running down my face. I clamped both my hands onto my ears, pressing hard, but the laughter only seemed to grow louder.

“No." I sobbed.

What was going on?!

Dad wrapped his arms around me, placing his chin on the top of my head.

He let me sob for several minutes, saying nothing, just cradling me, rocking me back and forth.

Andrew's voice slowly drowned out…

“Dad,” I finally spoke.

"Yes, baby,” he replied, squeezing me gently.

" Dad,” my voice broke. " Am I going crazy?”

My father said nothing for the space of three seconds.

I managed to pull out of his embrace.

" Dad?” I looked up into his face, heart pounding. "Am I going crazy?”

His eyes were sad and tired.

He cupped my face.

" No, you're not going crazy,” he told me, forcing a smile, and tucking my slightly wet hair behind my ears.

" Then what is happening?” I wailed, the tears returning.

" Shh…It's okay. There's no need to be scared…”

"No need to be scared?!” I asked incredulously, my heart pounding even faster. I rose unsteadily to my feet. "Dad. I'm seeing things!” I yelled, hot tears pouring down my face. I wrapped my arms around my trembling self, sobbing. Dad moved closer and held me again, placing my head against his chest.

" I'm terrified, dad,” I admitted. "I'm so scared,” I clung to him, fisting his shirt in my hands. "I don't know what to do. I don't want to die…”

I felt him tense.

“You won't die," he held me like he was scared I would disappear. “I won't let it happen. I promise."

***
“I got pizza," dad said as soon as I slipped into the front passenger seat.

My session with Ms Sarah had been even less profitable than ever. I couldn't bring myself to explain what had happened this morning,nor the dream. Anything to avoid replaying those events.

Besides,the therapist wouldn't believe me. She would just find further proof that everything wasn't real,and I  couldn't afford that. I couldn't even let in another shred of doubt that Andrew wasn't real,lest he get angry again and try to prove it to me.

I shivered at the memory of the knife across my palm that tried to push its way to the surface.

I looked up at the carton sitting in the dashboard,then turned to face him, forcing a smile.

“Thanks dad," I appreciated in a voice only a little above a whisper.

He smiled back,then reached out and cupped my face in his right hand.

“Anytime,Rachel,” he told me.

He was smiling,but his eyes gave his worry away.

“I just want you to be alright,baby,” he told me.

My eyes teared up and I turned away before the tears could begin round-two…or was it round-three?

We rode home in silence,me munching only a few bites of the pizza triangle I had taken only to please dad.

Only two streets before our home my phone began buzzing. It wasn't too loud, but the sound startled me. The only person who ever dialed my number was dad,and on very rare occasions,mum.

Mum would know I was with dad,so it couldn't be her.

Gingerly,I pulled out the gadget from my pocket.

Just as I had suspected,it was an unknown number. I watched it ring,making no move to answer the call.

“Who was it?" Dad asked as soon as the tune stopped.

“I don't know," I replied,shoving it back into my pocket. "The number was unknown.”

Dad said nothing,turning onto the next street.

My phone began the slow mournful tune that was its ringing tone again.

I frowned,pulling out the device to find the same unknown number staring back at me.

“You sure you aren't expecting any calls?" Dad asked next to me.

I turned to my father,an eyebrow raised in a ‘’Really?’ fashion. Who would I,lonely Rachel Brown,be expecting a call from?

I replaced the phone in my lap as soon as it stopped ringing.

Dad turned onto our street,and then the ringing began again.

I stared down at the phone like it was a deadly viper.

“You should pick it up. It's probably an emergency," dad said.

“No it's not." And I clicked the decline button,ignoring the call.

We finally eased into our compound. It was quite huge compared to others.

Land wasn't so expensive in the mountainous region that was Timberstone,and dad had outdone himself when we moved in from Vancouver,building the tall beauty that had been our home for five years now.

Yes. This wasn't the home Andrew lived in.

Dad thought living in the same house would be difficult since the entire building reeked of Andrew. And he had been right. The first year had been absolutely terrible.

And so,dad had moved the entire family to this small city on the mountaintop.

So far,it was okay,though the absence of enough whites set me on edge at first. It was like African immigrants had decided this was their meeting spot. Dad had tried to quell my discomfort,reminding me that we actually had black heritage.

I seriously doubted that. Either my father was lying about the great grandmother or all the black genes were recessive.

Pity… I could've used a little color…

I groaned as my phone began singing that depressing tune. I really should change my ringtone.

Dad paused just as he was lifting the pizza box out of the car,turning to me with one eyebrow raised.

“Whoever it is probably made a mistake," and I declined the call again hurrying inside before dad could pester me into calling back.

I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and sat in my chair. The bed seemed too ominous to try out right now. Would I ever be able to sleep again?

Turning on my desktop computer,I threw off my hoodie,kicked off my shoes and opened the doc file that contained my homework on Pride and Prejudice. Yesterday had been the deadline,but I hadn't been able to meet up because of last week's rollercoaster.

I sighed.

Maybe Ms Lila would pardon me since I technically wasn't present at school yesterday.

Dad had insisted I stay home today too. Probably afraid I would pass out again and Natalie wouldn't be there to help next time.

I set to work on the essay,pouring all of my attention into it. It was either that,or being plagued by images from my dream last night. I shivered again,working feverishly. It shouldn't have taken that long,but I was there for over two hours,and I was pretty sure I had exceeded the word limit.

A knock came on the door.

I paused. Was it time to prepare dinner already?

“Rachel?” My heart skipped a beat at the voice. "It's me. Xander.” My brother continued.

I took in a sharp breath.

The last time I had seen Xander was Monday morning,meaning yesterday. And even then,we hadn't spoken a single word to each other. I sat in the front passenger seat while he sat in the back.

Before then,our last meeting had been after the bath incident,when dad had asked him to bring my breakfast. Of that,I was still extremely embarrassed.

“Rachel?" Xander called again when I said nothing.

I rose,grabbing my hoodie off the table and slipping it on in a matter of seconds.

He was just about to knock again when I opened the door,his right knuckle held up in the air.

He slowly lowered his arm,and an awkward moment passed between us.

“You okay?" He asked.

Shock made me look at him right in the face. Did he just ask if I was okay?!

I blinked,and he cleared his throat, uncomfortable.

“Umm…” a lively,catchy tune interrupted the silence. " Oh! There she is," he said as he pulled out his phone, offering it to me. I stared at the buzzing phone in confusion. “It's for you. Natalie's been trying to reach you."

My eyes widened,and I turned my gaze back on him.

“Natalie?" I asked.

He swiped on the green button and forced the phone into my hand.

The physical contact was only short-lived,but it left me completely flustered. The last time Xander and I had held hands was at Andrew's funeral…

But I had more pressing matters to be worrying about contact with my own brother.

“Hello?" Came the voice on the other end of the phone call.

My eyes widened,and I stared back at my brother in panic.

He shrugged,then left to give us privacy.

I bit my bottom lip.

“Rachel? Is that you?" Natalie asked.

“Yes." My voice came out a little high-pitched. I winced.

“Oh thank goodness! I was worried. I didn't have your number so I got it from your brother…”

“How did you know Xander is my brother?" I interrupted.

She giggled.

“Funny story actually. I went to the infirmary,you know,hoping they'd be able to give me some info about you,but then they were all ‘’it’s confidential',bla bla bla… I was just leaving when the nurse said I could ask your brother.” She giggled again. “I've been in the same class with Xander all this time and I had no idea he had a sister!"

That didn't surprise me. That was the way we had let it happen. Why then did I feel this twinge of pain?

“Well,he told me you probably wouldn't answer if I called you directly,but I tried anyway." She paused. “Are you alright?"

“Umm… Yeah,” I stuttered.

"Sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?” She asked.

"No,” I quickly interrupted. “It's just…I'm not good with phonecalls."

Natalie was actually fun to talk to. She did most of the talking so I didn't really have to reply.

Another problem arose when the call finally ended. I had to go looking for Xander.

My brother was waiting only a little distance away from my room when I stepped outside. He was right in front of the study,leaning sideways against the door.

He straightened when he saw me.

“You're done?" He asked.

“Yeah," I handed him the phone,making sure to avoid physical contact. “Thanks."

I turned to go. That wasn't so bad…

" Rachel?” Xander stopped me. “Um…Can we…talk for a moment?”

~~~
I ask God this question a lot:

"Why did you choose me?"

And when I finally got an answer, it was this:

"So that when it all works out and you make it, you would know it was never by your ability."

So no matter how undeserving and incompetent I am now, it doesn't matter as long as God is here, holding me. And at the end, when I finally become the harbinger He wants me to be, I will know it was all Him.

Why am I telling you this?

The truth is, I'm not sure. 😅

I just feel that y'all should know how unstable and lacking I am. But God is working on me, and when He is done, I will come out pure gold. 💛

All I ask is that you bear with this annoyingly erring girl that I am now🥹

Sometimes I even go as far as calling myself stupid,because that's how I feel...

Now,all of this is not an excuse to avoid your anger😅
You're free to yell at me. I deserve it. I know I do...

Guilt has kept me from writing for so long.
But I promise to get better. I try everyday.

So...What did you think of this chapter?

It's over 2k words,and I know that doesn't make up for the days I missed,but please bear with me.

From now on, I'll try to stick to weekly updates. My university schedule really cuts into my writing time,but if I can upload during the week,I will.

I love you guys, really.
Stay strong, and always remember that Jesus loves you. In fact, He is madly in love with you🥹❤️...no matter what the devil says...

Please leave a vote and comment before you go🙏
See you in the next chapter 😊

PS- I really need your prayers,guys.🥹
The devil has been whispering fears into my ears lately,and honestly,I don't trust myself enough not to fall for it again.
So please,pray for me. I need strength to resist him and continue in this work.🙏