Chapter 15

I wake up happily, the smell of pancakes and bacon hanging in the air filling my nostrils. Dancing around my room and picking up the brush laying on my vanity, I brush the soft waves on my hair, music playing in the background and all the good energy wafts around me. While continue dancing, making my way out of the door, I find myself standing on the top of the staircase. And skip two steps each while running down.
While finally downstairs, my mother sits at the coffee table reading the newspaper.
Kissing her, "Good morning, mom." The tone of my elated voice seems to be the antidote to her stress.
She smiles, "Good morning."
"I have so many tests today," I say to Andrew as making my way through the kitchen.
"Well big deal, wait until you're a senior." He responds while stuffing his face with pancakes. Rolling my eyes, I grab the bread and start spreading the butter.
The butter turns to seem redder with every swipe.
Another swipe.
Blood.
I drop the knife but blood seems to continue dripping off the bread. "What the hell." My voice is soft as I back up.

"Bailey."
"Bailey."
I suddenly wake up.
In a hospital bed.
"Ian?" I say squinting my eyes.
"I heard what happened on the news, your mom is in custody?" I roll over to my side and sigh.
"Shit," I whisper.
"Hey, it's okay." His hand touches my shoulder, I turn my gaze back to him.
"What day is it?" I ask. My words slowly roll off my tongue and my breath comes in slowly, my eyes heavy and my heartbeat slow.
"It's January 1." He replies. He stares at me as if he's concerned. His eyes move from my shoulder to my neck and he turns his eyes back onto mine and swallows.
I mumble. "No, I mean like, what time is it?"
"Oh, it's Uhm." Ian looks around the room until he spots a clock. "4:24" Ian takes a step back,
"PM." He clarifies.
I nod my head and rest it back against the pillow.
"Shit," I say,
"Shit, shit, shit," I repeat as I feel around in my pockets. They couldn't have found it, what if it fell out.
"Bailey." Ian's hand grabs my shoulder.
"Get the hell off me," I say nudging him off, I feel around some more until I finally touch what feels like a pill.
Thank god.
I turn myself back to look at Ian.
"Honestly, screw you," I say as he's walking out the door. Ian gives me a look, a look I would never imagine he could give.
A hatred look.
He smiles, "Alright." And exists the door.
I look around the room, who knew? Who knew that I'd be in a hospital bed on New Year's Day.

"You're awake, finally." The doctor walks in with a clipboard in her left hand and a paper document in her left.
"Your brother is in the other room, and we called your aunt, she's here too." The IV plunged into my wrist is painfully removed. I clench my jaw. The nurse looks at me worried.
"I hope you're doing okay." She gives me her hand.
"How's Andrew?" I say getting up, she balances me as she responds, "He's going to have to stay in the hospital for another night, the womb wasn't that severe but due to the amount of time it was out and not fixed, we're scared of infection. Just to be cautious, we decided to keep him for another night just Incase."
I nod my head, "Thank you." I proceed to slip on my shoes and walk out, trying my best to not seem rude. While turning around the other corner I spot my brother in the other room, he's laying down sleeping. Nodding my head as I lean against the doorway. I stand there for a couple of minutes, this has to be the worse thing ever.
I mean, ever.

I check myself out of the hospital and my Aunt is waiting outside for me.
"Hey come here." She says pulling me in for a hug. She smells of cigarettes and too much cheap tangerine perfume. She won't let go of me.
When she finally does, she holds a gaze at me for a couple of seconds.
"I have a question," I say, backing up.
She raises her eyebrows, "Yes."
"Would you take me to see mom real quick?" Licking my lips and plucking at my hangnails she nods. And gestures me to her car.

As we drive through the city I notice how there are not many cars on the highway. It's funny to me, how you can see a family in a car driving to wherever, but not thinking that they have actual lives with real issues.
Not everyone is perfect.
But we don't think that when we see other people.
We think, "Oh, her hair is pretty." Or, "They seem like a fun and happy couple." But you never know what they could be dealing with at the moment, or what they had to deal with.
The world seems so confusing right now.
I always looked at my life with filtered glasses, ones I was given when I was born, and now to have them removed.
The world is blank.
It seems to be so still yet so chaotic. 
As the world moves, I stay still.
But when the world is still, I'm moving.
"We're here," Becky says to me as she pulls into the police station. Yeah, my aunt's name is Becky. She usually goes by beck and she's dad's sister, I haven't seen her since thanksgiving two years ago. She has ginger hair with freckles and a unique style. She wears neon pink and lime green, her hair in a bandana. The sun isn't out but she wears sunglasses she bought from a drugstore. I mean, they look expensive. She's still stuck in the 80s.
I gulp and look at her.
"You ready?" She says. I nod my head.

After all the bullshit we went through to visit my insane mother, I stand here with regret in the back of my head. Becky stands behind me. I glance over at her,
"It's okay, I just have to say one thing to her," I whisper. Becky nods and walks off.
Building up the courage to see her face to face I finally take my first step. And then another. Until I'm finally in the same room as her. It honestly feels so good to see her sad ass behind bars.
"Did you come here to pay my bail?" She scoffs. I chuckle a little. Looking around the room, words, and words scattered throughout my head. There's so much I wanna say to her.
"Go to hell, Mom." I watch her face become red and she sighs again,
"Been there done that. Have fun, Bailey." She turns away. I stare at her for a couple of seconds and turn my back,
"You know it's gonna be difficult, being in labor while in a jail cell." She adds which stops me midway from walking out the door. I turn back over to her, she's smiling like some type of villain in a movie who just cast their spell.
"Fuck you," I tell her with my eyes welling.
Too blurry to see anything, just as I know it I'm outside the police station with tears streaming down my face. I slide down the wall and all I can think is that this is rock bottom.
I've officially hit rock bottom.
I sniffle and wipe the never-ending tears coming from my eyes as I search around in my pocket for the pill.
I gulp.
How did Andrew do this again?
I go back inside the police station.
"May I use your restroom."
"Down the hall to your left." One of the police officers points.
Becky stares at me. She mouths, "You good." I smile and turn away. To the left.
I pray this is a bathroom only one person can use. Holding my breath while opening the door, I'm relieved to find out it's a one-person bathroom. I shut the door and lock it.
I remember Andrew using money to snort it, do I even have any money on me? I have one dollar on me. I'm not exactly sure how to crush the pill up but I'm going to try my best. I place it on the toilet paper holder and use the bottom of my wrist to hit it, it doesn't necessarily crush up into a powder. My heart beats against my ribcage fast. I look around to see if there's anything I can use to crush the pill.
There's nothing.
Rolling my eyes, I repeatedly pound my wrist on the pill until it finally crushes up a little into tiny pieces where I then rub them on the plastic to get them more of a powder-like substance. Using my finger to trace a line of the powder, I use Andrews' technique and align my right nostril with the rolled-up dollar bill. Hesitating before I snort I take a deep breath.
I got this.
The bottom of the dollar bill is in line with the powder and without thinking I inhale it moving to the end of the line. I drop the dollar bill and instantly start coughing, my nose burns. My head feels light and I fall back against the wall. My head starts getting too light and the light seems to separate into different arrays. My vision is blurry and everything seems to look either a bright red or yellow. I laugh a little. This feels so good.
So good.
I stand up and the world goes black for a second, I don't even stand up without swaying a little. I look into the mirror and admire myself a little. I take my shirt off and stare at myself in my bra. I never understood why I was insecure until now, I never saw myself like this before. I feel so confident right now, but so good and everything seems to go so slow and fast and calm. I place my hand around my neck and squeeze it. I groan, then trail my finger down my neck to the line between my breasts, giggle, and slip down my bra a bit. I reach down my stomach and into my pants, pulling them down to my feet. My underwear is black and laced, and I lift the back up my thighs with one hand as the other rests on my neck. My hand tucks into the front of my underwear as I swallow and sigh. As my head is pulled up, I relax and take a deep breath, biting my lower lip.

As I finish pulling back up my jeans and putting my shirt back on, I lean against the sink to look at myself. I'm sweating and breathing hard. My eyes are heavy and my mouth is open. I turn the nob to the faucet left, the soap actually smells good this time. Lathering it in between my fingers and up my wrists, the warm water feels good as it bounces my skin. That reminds me I need to take a shower. I stink honestly. I smell underneath my shirt.
Yeah. I need a shower. Like, right now.
Opening the door of the bathroom, Becky stands right there.
"I was worried sick." She hugs me. I roll my eyes.
"Look, please just take me home. I need to get a shower." I say warily. She sighs and walks off.
What the hell is her issue?