The hut was small and shabby. There was no room. There was a stove in a corner, a charpai set against the wall, and a steel bucket. I covered my nose as I stared at my "house" in disbelief.

I had negotiated with the man for one silver coin and two bronze for each month. This definitely was not worth that.

I sighed. Aadam still tied around me nudged me and I looked at him. Staring at his dark, illuminated eyes made me smile. This baby had that effect on me.

"We have work to do." I said.

I pulled the charpai down and after cleaning the dust, mud off. I place my child on it still wrapped in his clothes. The moment his back touched the charpai, Aadam stretched, a small sound releasing from his mouth. I smiled again, he had been tired of being tied around with me. "I like that you're liking it."

His response was a shake of his fists.

I grabbed my things and put it another corner. I looked around, I'd have to build a shelf from scratch to keep my things. Or maybe I could invest in a box from the trader's market. Right now, I needed a broom! I looked at the baby, who seemed too relaxed on the charpai. I had half a mind of leaving him here but I couldn't. Gently, picking him up, I left the hut.

Some people, noticing me leaving, stopped to stare at me. I pulled my shawl over my head, and bit the end of it in nervousness. I went to a nearby lady. She was waiting for me, with an arched eyebrow.

"You won't need to threaten me." She said as I drew near.

I bit back a retort, smiled, and said. "I was not planning to."

Her eyebrow arched further.

"What is that you want?"

"Is it okay if I can borrow--"

Her smile seemed too sweet. "Borrow?"

I returned the sweet smile with my own. "Or buy a broom from you and a dustpan, please?"

The woman continued smiling and gave a curt nod. Her eyes fell on Aadam and I could see her gaze softened a bit. She looked up at me and then back at him."He looks like you."

"Thank you." I gave her a friendly smile. She did not return it. But I had a feeling that maybe I had found one woman who would not hate my guts. Of course, other than the old man's wife, but I didn't know how much I could count on them. He clearly didn't want to offer too much help.

Ushering the kids she was with, the woman went inside a nearby hut, then emerged with a broom and a dustpan.

"How much?" I asked.

"One bronze."

That's too much, I wanted to say.

So I did.

"It is my own. I will need to buy another."

"I could simply just borrow and give it back to you." I said.

"I do not lend." The woman replied.

I sighed, "Fine."

"You do not know how to haggle, my dear."

I handed her the coin, took my broom and dustpan, as I tried to balance Aadam with one hand. I looked at her. Maybe I had been too quick to think that she could be my . . . I had no idea. I was definitely not considering her to be my friend.

"I'll learn," I said quietly and then went back to my hut.

▪

It took hours of cleaning to make the hut look like my home. By the time I was done, my back was aching, I was covered in dirt, and all I wanted was a nice, warm bath with frankincense oil. However, I realised, that was a luxury I could not afford anymore. I had to make-do with water in a steel bucket that I brought from a nearby well.

Once I had scrubbed myself clean until my skin was red and even gave Aadam a good bath. Both of us lay on the charpai.

"So this is how normal people live?" I asked my son, expecting the four-months old to answer my question. He simply played with the string of my shawl. "I wouldn't have known. I still don't know." I glanced at the stove. "For example, I do not know how to start that. I am too tired to cook anything today. I'll have to rely on my rations and you . . ." I smiled at him, ". . . well, on my breasts." Then, I chuckled. "Sa'ir wouldn't have liked that, would he? I mean, I am talking to you about my breasts!" I laughed some more. "He wouldn't have liked this hut either. For that precise reason, I will learn to like it. Can you imagine your father in this hut? Aadam simply mumbled. "Oh, I would pay to see that! If only he could . . . "

I pressed my lip in a thin line. What had I wanted to say? If only he could love me the way I still loved him? I had so many confusing emotions for that man. At some point, I was convinced that I hated him, but when I talked about like this or when I reflected on our conversations, I knew that the connection was not one-sided. It's just that Sa'ir wore many faces. Was the one I saw his true one? Or merely another act?

There was always one question I wanted to ask myself: if I could go back in time, would I do it all over again? The unfortunate answer was yes. One reason was that that mistake had led to Aadam. It was unimaginable for me to think of a life without him now. He was my constant companion, a friend, my son. No one -- no one -- could keep me away from my child now.

The other reason was that, guiltily, I had enjoyed my time with Sa'ir. He had made me feel things that I don't think I would ever feel again.

But I was not naive nor idiotic. I did not regret my decision of leaving. Aadam didn't deserve a father like Sa'ir. He was not a vile man but he was not good either. Sa'ir was not kind, or generous, or selfless. These were the qualities I wanted my son to have. Sa'ir was not strong.

Aadam had to be strong.

"You will be strong, won't you?"

Aadam looked at me and blinked. I hoped that he understood me. Maybe not my words, but my emotions. I needed him to understand this. He had to be strong.

"You will." I decided. I'll do everything in my power for him to be a strong man. "Don't ever be a coward, son. Don't ever."