[Mature warning: explicit content]

It was an hour past midnight and Sa'ir could not sleep. He hadn't been able to sleep since Zainab left with Aadam. He stared at the ceiling of his room -- he had them carve out small birds on it. He had always liked birds - not birds of prey but small ones like a sparrow.

Sa'ir sat up and rubbed his eyes. His bed creaked under his weight, beside him, Aatifah was dead asleep. He looked at her, for a while, and waited for something to happen within him. Anything that could possibly explain why he had stopped being in love with her. The truth was that he had been in love with her when he had married her. She had everything. She was the ideal woman, the ideal mother, the ideal wife. She was his lucky charm.

Was.

What had changed?

Sa'ir stood up, walked around his chamber idily barefeet. His hands were itching, he needed something to do, he wanted something to do. He could wake Aatifah up and ask her to make him tea. He could even wake her up and ask her to undress. But he didn't want to. He didn't want to have a conversation with anyone. What could he talk about? His mind was filled with only one thought: Zainab and Aadam.

He had never understood how a dancer had become such a weakness for him. Sa'ir shook his head as he walked towards his balcony. The warm breeze touched his pale face, he closed his eyes, as he let the glow of the red moon fall on him. He took a deep breath, let his chest fill, and held it. He counted till thirty and let it go. He liked the pain that his chest felt when he held his breath. It made him realise that such a little thing could be the reason for his death.

He opened his eyes, a small smile on his face, and stared at the red moon. He remembered how much Zainab hated the red moon. She found it disgusting and grim. She had always wondered what it would be like when the moon was silver, spreading his silver glow. It was something she often talked about in bed. She liked staring at it and cursing it.

He remembered what the red glow did to her face. It sharpened ever feature of hers -- her small nose, her beautiful mouth, the swell of her chest . . .

Sa'ir looked away.

He looked at his wife. Maybe he should wake her up. There would be no talking. He could make it quick. Yet, the idea of touching her . . .  he didn't want to touch her! Sa'ir sighed, sat down on his balcony, leaning against the railing. He wanted to touch someone else, be with someone else. He glanced at his wife. She had no quality that even resembled Zainab. She was so proper -- soft spoken, even-tempered, responsible.

He looked back at his garden. He could go to Khatoun. He could ask her if he could borrow one of the girls. She wouldn't say no. He paid her. He owned them. He could do whatever he wanted. He had caught sight of a pretty one earlier. She was one of the older ones. He could go to her. He could touch her and pretend that she was Zainab. He could not do that to his own wife.

He would be breaking so many rules. He was not them man who indulged in his desires. Even Zainab hadn't happened because of his desires. There was a connection. Sa'ir was not foolish. He had felt it. They had a friendship before she ruined by getting pregnant.

No, he could not go to the other girl. What if another mistake happened? He could not keep fathering unwanted child. But he needed to be with someone.

"Aatifah," he called out.

She stirred but did not wake up.

"Aatifah," a bit louder this time.

She woke up, sat up on the bed and looked around wildly to find him. He made a noise with his throat and her gaze met his.

"What is it?" She asked softly.

The only time she had reminded him of Zainab was at the tea when Zainab had been present. It seemed that the presence of the other woman had given Aatifah a false sense of bravado. He had been impressed by her.

He got up, walked slowly towards their bed, sat beside her, close. She stiffened when he touched her bare shoulder. Her skin was smooth, she smelled like jasmine when he gave her shoulder a kiss.

"Sa'ir . . ." she breathed.

It had been a long time. They both knew it. They both wanted it. He cupped her cheek and moved her face so that she could stare at him. He leaned close and bit her lower lip. She whimpered. She was trembling under his touch. She wanted it more than he did. He could feel it. He pushed her on her back and climbed on top of her. He removed his nightdress and she ran her hand through his torso. He kissed her left shoulder again, and then worked his way to her neck, collar bone, he pulled her little night slip down so that it revealed her bare chest. He kissed it, lingered on it, felt himself become hard. She moved her hand, swiftly removing his pants and pulling her dress up. She knew what he wanted and she was so willing to give it to him. Within seconds, he was inside her, thumping slowly, steadily as she held onto his hair.

She licked her lower lip as he stared at her. She didn't make any noise except for her breathing. She had read his mood and was giving him exactly what he wanted. He kissed her breasts again, licking and sucking the nipples. He increased the pace. She trembled underneath him. He wanted more.

"Sa'ir..." she breathed. Tears were leaking from her eyes. He licked it away. He increase his pace, he wanted her to remember what he felt like. He sat up, pulled away from her. She watched with surprised eyes. She sat up. She looked confused.

"Lie down, spread your leg." He moved closer, holding both her knees and spreading them. Then, he entered her, and gave her one strong stroke, he waited, then another, he waited. He watched her squirm against him. She wanted more. He was making her restless. He liked that. He continued that little charade for a bit until he could not continue any longer. Then, he was on top of her again, seeking her the way he had never. She could not keep quiet as she cried out, clutching whichever part of him she could clutch. Both of them came together. He took a deep breath when he planted his seed in her. He would have to ask her not to become pregnant. He could not deal with another child.

He let go of her and dropped to his side. Both of them panting loudly.

"Sa'ir..." she said as she wrapped her hand around his torso. He let her as he felt his naked body against his. He stroked her head absent minded. She liked that, he knew.

He sighed, as he tried closing his eyes.

He could always pretend to sleep.