Dear diary,

I have a boyfriend~! Who knew that listening to someone's heartbroken rants could get you one, huh?

The thing is that, it's only for three months. We both just wanted to try it out. We both just want to know how it feels like to be loved and cared for. We both just wanted to make each other happy.

We don't even love each other. But heck, why am I smiling so much?

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Dear diary,

It was the first day of our relationship. He bought me food, and we had breakfast together at school (even though I already had one). We were so sickly sweet it sent shivers down on my spine. I can't stop smiling the whole day and he told me that I also made him so happy.

It was just sad and disappointing that the day ended so quickly. I would have replayed the day over and over just to see a genuine smile on his face. Not the sad and pained one.

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Dear diary,

I don't know what came into my mind when I agreed to become his girlfriend.

It's just the second day of our relationship and I feel like I'm already regretting it.

He bought me food again, however, I was not in the mood to eat. I only had a few bites at breakfast but I already feel like any more food in my mouth will just end up being thrown up in the toilet.

But... he looked so sad and disappointed that I forced myself to eat a few bites and swallow down the bile that was rising in my throat. I'll do anything just to make him happy, even at the cost of my own pain.

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Dear diary,

It was a Saturday, and I can't get out of bed. Not that I would if I could. There's no reason to.

He's at school though. He has some school responsibilities to attend to. And here I am, still in my bed at two in the afternoon.

Despite his business, he still finds time to ask how I'm doing. If I already ate. I lied to him and told him that I'm doing great and that I have already eaten.

I had skipped breakfast and lunch. I haven't even done anything more than rolling in my bed and using my phone whenever he's messaging me. I just don't have the energy to do so.

I'm tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I can't say that to him. He doesn't know anything and I don't plan on telling him anytime soon. It's better that way.

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Dear diary,

He kept messaging me. But I just stare at them, not replying. He assumes that I'm busy and wishes me good luck on whatever I'm doing. He also told me that I should not overwork myself and eat properly.

I appreciated the gesture. I really did. But...

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! I just feel like crying at the most random moment. I feel like screaming my head out and throw something. ANYTHING. I feel like punching my bedroom wall hard till it breaks and jump myself off a tall building.

I don't know what's happening anymore. It's like my body is on autopilot, and I can't remember anything.

Help me, please.

I don't want to keep feeling this way.

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Dear diary,

It's Monday again, and I went to school late. I just told them that I overslept and they left it at that (but not without a lecture from the teachers).

Truth be told, I wasn't able to sleep last night and I had to drag myself off the bed earlier this morning. It's getting harder and harder to get up as day passes by.

He stopped by my seat and asked me what was wrong. It would seem like he didn't buy my excuse. I just laughed it off and told him to shove his concern up to his ass.

I don't need anyone worrying about me. Especially him. He's the one who deserves to be happy, not me.

The contract doesn't end until the end of October, and I feel like I'm drowning right now.

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Dear diary,

I started counting down the days till the end of the contract. Every day, I wake up hoping that it's October so that I don't have to feel like I'm suffocating anymore.

He keeps leaving food in my table every morning. The more I look at it, the more my chest constricts and I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes.

Why can't I be a good girlfriend to him? Why can't I become what was expected of me? Why can't I pretend that I love him when I kept pretending my entire high school life?

I started to keep my distance from him, hoping that purposely hurting him would have him ending the contract early. I just can't continue this relationship anymore. But I don't want to directly say that to him.

Just a few more weeks...

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Dear diary,

I asked for help from my best friend. She knows everything, about our relationship and that it's just a fake one. I told her about what I feel about the contract, and begged her to talk to him.

She promised me that she would talk to him, and I'm waiting. Right now, I'm just trying to keep my suicidal thoughts in bay.

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Dear diary,

I can't do this anymore.

Everything is just piling up on me. The pressure. The abuse. The toxic relationship.

I'm in my bedroom right now.

Nobody else is home.

I can't breathe.

I can't reach my phone.

My eyes are getting blurry and I kept spasming.

I can't even write properly anymore

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Hey,

Thorn was found dead in her bedroom last week. Dead by lack of air. This journal was found lying beside her body.

I didn't know it was a diary until I've opened it this morning. I've read her previous entries and I feel like hitting myself.

I'm too focused on my suffering that I started to neglect the fact that she's suffering more than I do. I try to make it all up to her by giving her treats, but I didn't know that I was just making her suffer more.

I'm sorry, Jean. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to help you.

Loving you still.

Your boyfriend,

Solar

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Well uhh...

I just hope that he won't get to read this.