5th August, 2018

Shout out to all the prompt voters who never fail to hit the star button for every chapter they read, the in line commentors who let me in on your thoughts on every bit of the story, and the other lovely commentors who leave behind such refreshing and kind views. I'm sorry I don't get to reply, but I love you all and these quick updates are an appreciation for your support. BarakAllahu feekum <3  

"and Allaah does what He wills"

[Ibraaheem 14:27]

Chapter 50:

Hold Me

"All the work for the day is done, I'll get going."

Anabya looked up, from where she sat in the living room and glanced at the lady in question.

"Okay, Kamla Mousi," she replied subconsciously, her thoughts in a completely different route.

As the door clicked close, she resumed her task of sitting idly on the loveseat as she stared at the open sky from the transparent balcony doors.

She'll admit it – she was totally freaking out!

She had looked up for the closest hospital and visited a gynecologist to confirm the news the next morning, and now, she was honestly going mad.

She was mystified. The news had come at a time when she wasn't ready for it and now she felt entirely unprepared, distorted and incompetent. The idea of it had seemed dream like at one point of time, but now, it seemed too unreal.

She forced herself, and gingerly moved her palm to her belly, and as she slowly let the feeling sweep in, she found her eyes turn glassy. Because while she thought she was unprepared, who was she to decide the time of blessings? They came when Allah knew you were ready, and if The Controller of all our affairs who knew more than we ever could had planned for this, who was she to oppose the idea or call it bad timing?

Shamaaz and Anabya right now stood on a quaking ground, and while she was finding ways to strengthen their foundation, maybe this could be a turning point in their relationship. It was a risky thought, with a lot of what ifs attached to it, and while this could rip them apart, there was also a possibility it could bring them together.

People said men usually changed after having a child, but that also made her wonder - didn't they were the ones who said men changed after marriage?

Yeah, that didn't work in her case.

But she shook her head as her thoughts hinted towards pessimism and forced herself to ponder over the fact that children were blessings from Allah, and it would be too soon for her to form a depressing judgment about this whole thing.

And right now, after a long time, Anabya felt a bolt of energy strike through her as she risked the thought of a happy life with him. This could be wishful thinking but for once, she wanted to leave no room for negativity. Shamaaz was her husband, he was going to be the father of their child, and there was no other time in all these months that Anabya realized, they had to make this work, they absolutely needed to. And she was ready to give it her all, she was going to absolutely do this, in sha Allah!

And she only hoped he would too...

So while the uncertainties weighed her down, Anabya stood up with a new found motive. She was still, a bit unsteady, but if it was happening, there had to be a good reason for it and that's all that she wanted to focus her thoughts on at this point.

She wanted to speak to her mum, she was feeling so strange that there's no one else who could calm her at this point and yet she couldn't. For one, she didn't even know how to break this news to her family, to think that the baby of their family was going to have a baby, it felt odd. She knew they'd be happy, but she didn't know how to go about it. She shivered at the thought, her lips curving into a strange smile that was a testimony to the fact that things were changing, and maybe it wasn't all that bad.

Besides, although no matter how tempted she was to let her family in on this part of her life, she didn't want to disclose it to them before having told Shamaaz. He had to be the first person to know and as she thought about it, it made her wonder how he'd react. Something told her he wouldn't be opposed to the idea, and for all she knew he'd be thrilled to discover the new journey they were about to begin but Anabya decided not to think too much until she had actually informed him.

Thus, she spent the entire day trying to absorb this sudden news that had fallen upon her while she thought of ways to tell Shamaaz.

When it was evening and there was still no sign of Shamaaz, she decided to call him.

"Hello?"

"Shamaaz?"

"Bya, I can't hear you."

"Shamaaz, hello!!"

"Hold on a sec, I'm moving out."

She waited for a few seconds as she heard the sound of music and people chattering in the background subside and asked, "Can you hear me now?"

"Yeah, Bya, what's up?"

"Where are you, Shamaaz?"

"I had to meet the manager, then had a few match related discussions, and now the boys wanted to hang out so I'm with them."

"Oh."

"Yeah, did you have dinner?"

"No, I was waiting for you, should have told me."

"Woops, didn't think about that."

Tell me something new.

"Nevermind."

"Anyway, don't wait for me, you go to sleep. Wait, do you want me to order dinner home for you?"

"No, that's okay, there's food at home. So you're going to come home late?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Nothing. How are you placed tomorrow, Shamaaz?"

"Tomorrow's a big day, Bya, and we have to attend the party too in the evening, the one I told you about the other day."

"Yeah, yeah I remember. And how about day after, you're still going to be busy?"

"The boys have planned for car racing; do you want to come along?"

Sure, Shamaaz, sure.

"I'll pass. What about the evening?"

"No plans, do you have something in mind?"

Yes! Perfect.

"Nothing much," she mumbled.

"You simply asked me for my entire schedule then?" he laughed.

"Why? I can't?"

"Of course you can," he replied, and she knew he was smiling. "Anyway, I gotta go, I'll see you at home."

"In sha Allah," she mumbled. "Assalamu alaikum."

And as she hung up, she realized breaking this news to him would probably change a lot of things, and this had to be made special. And although this entire time, he was the one who always took her out on dates and organized dinners, she wanted to change that this one time. It felt out of character for her to do this, but it's not like the events that occurred were normal either. Her life was changing, and for her sanity, she had to adapt to it.

She wanted to sit with him with an open mind, talk to him, and spill everything that she had been keeping inside her heart for all along. He would probably not understand half the things, but she had to do this!

And so, she scanned through her phone and although she wasn't big on online shopping, she didn't have time to think much. She looked through the stores available in the city, ones that wouldn't need weeks of shipping and as she skimmed through the dress sections, she risked the effort and after a long hour, she narrowed in on an off shoulder, little red dress, already preparing her mind to not give up once she actually had the dress in her hand, in case it decided to hide behind curtains after wearing it, which would most likely be the case.

Before she could cancel the order, she diverted her mind and went ahead to look for small entrepreneurs who would help her plan a little date at home, including the required décor for the event. After scrutinizing a few pages, she settled on one that looked quite reliable. They were college girls who had started this business from home, and Anabya decided to speak to them about what she had in mind and see if they could help her with it.

A couple of hours later, as she wrapped up the phone call with them, she heaved a sigh, shuddering at the new turn her life was taking. It felt too surreal, too sudden but she also smiled through it all as she lay down on the couch, her head resting on the arm rest as she tried to analyze the flow of it.

She was still perplexed, but this time there was a spark of hope to get her through this.

And that's how Shamaaz found her when he entered home, sleeping in the living room, one hand under her cheek while the other rested on her belly. He removed his shoes by the door and silently walked in, kneeling down in front of Anabya as he gently touched her cheek.

"Bya?" He called, causing her to stir in her slumber before she opened her eyes and for a few seconds, she just looked at him.

And all of a sudden, her stomach churned in a mixture of emotions, and she turned around to look up at the ceiling, tilting her head to drink away the tears that suddenly clouded her vision upon his sight, and the realization that all of this was actually real.

"You're back?" She finally asked, her voice hoarse as she turned to look at him again.

"Yeah. Why didn't you go to bed?"

She shook her head and as Shamaaz stood up, asking her to come along to the bedroom, she opened her mouth twice to say something and finally blurted, "Carry me."

Shamaaz looked at her questioningly, an expression of pure bewilderment on his face.

"What?" He asked, puzzled. Was this his Bya?

Feeling conscious, she sat up and replied, "Never mind."

And as she attempted to stand up to follow him to the bedroom, he wasn't sure what just happened, but he hurriedly said, "No, wait."

He bent down, and carried her in his arms while Anabya gingerly wrapped her own around his neck, neither of them breaking eye contact. 

The darkness was fading, and a new dawn was not too far.

***

Anabya was good at keeping secrets. If someone told her something and asked her to keep it as an amanah, it would always be safe with her.

Which is why, no matter how tempted she was to tell him already, she swallowed her words. Right now, he was too busy and she didn't want to drop this news at a time when they couldn't even celebrate it properly, given his current commitments. And so, as she selected her Abaya for the party tonight, she decided to wait for some more time, it was just a matter of another day.

It was hard to act normal, though. In fact, she was so eager to open the dress box that had been delivered a while back, but since Shamaaz was already home, she had simply brushed aside the topic when he asked, and he was too busy to elaborate on it.

And now, giving her thoughts some rest, she prepared for the event ahead and wrapped her hijab before standing before the dresser to pick up her lip balm. That's when she saw her eyeliner that rested on it and it made her groan. When it came to mastering the winged eyeliner, she was still as bad as she was a few years back, but she decided to try again this time.

She started with her right eye, and if she would admit, it was coming out quite well. But just as she started with her left eyelid, it turned out thicker than the first, the wing flying higher than expected. Huffing, she decided to simply wash her face and toss away the cursed eyeliner, and when she turned around, Shamaaz came into the room looking dapper in his crisp white shirt that he wore under a blue blazer, teaming it with beige chinos. For a few seconds she just stared at him and when he cleared his throat, she turned around and rubbed at her left eye with a wet tissue.

"I'm ready," he declared, his smirk lingering at the corner of his lips.

I noticed, she thought to herself.

"Shamaaz, in school how good were you with geometry?"

"Geometry?" He asked, frowning.

"Yes, geometry! Were you good working with compass and protractor, how pro are you at drawing acute angles?"

"Geometry was a nice subject, yeah..."

"Then here," she said, extending the eyeliner to him.

Accepting it from her, he asked, "What exactly do you want me to do with this?"

"Can you see this?" She asked, pointing at her right eyelid. "Do the same on the left. It's called the winged eyeliner."

"You're asking me to do your make up?"

"You said you liked geometry, come on, it's time to use it in practical life."

"You must really love me to trust me with your make up," he grinned.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves here," she deadpanned as he laughed and came ahead to experience practical geometry.

He leaned forward, with utmost concentration, and with steady fingers, he tried to match the strokes of what she'd done on one eyelid.

"Are you done?"

"Sabr, babe, sabr."

"How long," she mumbled.

"You're an impatient little kid."

"Kid? Of all people in the world, you don't get to say this, Shamaaz."

"Okay, Madam," he mumbled, pokerfaced, as he concentrated on the task at hand.

Once done, he blew on it, causing a smile to grace her lips.

"Is it good?" He asked and while Anabya scrutinized it, he continued, "You know what? It actually is good, much better than yours," he gloated.

"A moment of celebration for our little victory, this is the first time I agree to you," she acknowledged.

He fist pumped the air in exaggerated enthusiasm and laughing, they made their way to the car. Once they were buckled in, Anabya blurted out,

"Shamaaz, why are you afraid to carry little babies?"

"For real, Bya, you come up with the weirdest of questions to ask. I'll never know what goes on in your mind."

"You can find that out later, but for now, an answer will do."

He looked at her with a strange look and replied, "Little humans are too delicate."

"So you're scared?"

He thought for a while and replied, "Maybe I am."

She was playing in dangerous waters, because she went on to ask, "What would you do when you have a baby of your own?"

"You aren't being you, Bya. I can't believe you are talking about our future babies."

Yeah, excuse me, but one is already on its way.

"Actually you made me think about that, since you are such a baby yourself," she played along.

"Very funny, Bya-by," he replied sarcastically. "And to answer your question, when we have a baby of our own, I'll probably learn by then. Don't worry, I'll take classes beforehand so I can greet my baby properly when he arrives in this world."

Without saying a word, Anabya turned around, looking out of the window as she bit her quivering lip, feeling too emotional.

Shamaaz was right, though, it was very unlike her to behave this way. Her heart had a heavy load of apprehensions at this stage, but she was also trying to look past all of it and think of the sheer joy that waited for them if they tried their best to reach there.

Shamaaz, I'm banking on you, please don't let me regret my decision!

When they reached the venue, Anabya momentarily lost her train of thoughts for the next day as she tried to muster enough confidence to live through the moments the night had to offer. Once she had stepped out of the car, she accepted Shamaaz's outstretched hand as they made their way to the large doors of this high society, black tie event.

She usually avoided his parties, but there were a few big ones that he insisted on taking her, and she felt bad telling him no. So although she was almost always the only lady to be completely covered around women who loved to flaunt, she tried to stay confident about it, denying handshakes and drinks, reminding herself time and again that it was okay to be different from the crowd. And now, as she walked in, she recognized a few familiar faces but the rest of them were quite new, dressed in the best of sarees, evening gowns and dresses. It sometimes made her wonder, though, that while the thought of wearing short clothes in her house only in front of her husband made her shy, and she wouldn't even think of wearing that dress she had bought in front of her female cousins, how could these women do so when they knew so many men were around, their gazes stuck on those parts where the dresses fit them well, and the rest which exposed so much of skin?

This was a psychological aspect that she was trying to analyze since she grew up in a family where women were taught they were too precious to be taken advantage of as eye candies. Her values taught her that a woman's character, intellect and manners were more important than her appearance, and that modesty was a part of beauty.

However, while these thoughts were those that she firmly believed in, she dared not to put women who didn't dress like her in one category alone. Because again, it came down to perspective. One's dressing was a reflection of their ideas, thoughts and beliefs, and she was no one to judge. Her personal views clashed with them, yes, but back in college, she had known some wonderful humans with beautiful hearts, who wore modern clothes, but surpassed some of the hijabis she knew when it came to kindness.

Wearing a hijab was a sign of obedience towards Allah, but that did not mean you blatantly lashed out on those who didn't. You didn't have to match their opinion, in fact you shouldn't because your beliefs were in place, but that also meant you left out the judging business. Advice, and move on.

Sipping her drink, she realized her thoughts were an outcome of her marriage with Shamaaz. He confused her entirely, but if there's one thing he lived by, it was to not judge people, because we didn't know anyone's story.

She was interrupted in her thoughts when a lady, from among the group of women that she was seated around, asked her about her wellbeing and Anabya politely replied to all of her questions.

It was a while later that Shamaaz returned to accompany her towards the dining hall, and as they walked there together, he said,

"Are you hungry, or do you want to wait a while before we have food?"

"No way, I'm starving."

"Didn't you just finish the burger at home before we left?" He teased.

"So? What's your point? That I can't have more food after I've eaten some food?"

"Sorry," he shook his head, grinning at her. "Come, let's make you fat."

"Gladly," she beamed and as they proceeded forward, Anabya paused in her steps when she saw someone, looking ravishing in her deep neck gown with dark red lipstick, as she approached them.

She had to look closely to actually grasp on the idea that this was really her, and she had become all the more beautiful, all the more glamorous over the years that they hadn't see each other.

"Anabya, it's so nice to see you," she smiled, and without warning she leaned in for a hug.

If her gesture surprised Anabya, she decided to remain quiet but the next minute, she wanted to puke out all the day's food, when this woman dressed in skimpy clothes turned to look at Shamaaz and said,

"Hello handsome, you get better every day."

If that wasn't enough, she went one step ahead and hugged Shamaaz, who, although looked uncomfortable, did nothing to stop her.

"Um, hi," he said, his voice strained under the effort to act civil, while Anabya looked on with a frown as he hugged her back, her forehead creasing upon witnessing the encounter with his ex.

Mariam.