NOTE: Do NOT miss out on this emotionally powerful reading of Chapter 53 by kaelking12!

https://youtu.be/-kQ3WmMFZIU

CHAPTER 53

Lacey

My dad is silent on the car ride over to Elias's house. 

This has become our new normal lately, playing the game of keep away every time he knows I'm going to spend time with a boy he's convinced has changed me for the worse.

A boy he believes is stealing me away from the church and throwing my salvation into question. But seeing Elias is not a sin. Neither is trying to save him from himself. Neither is trying to be there for someone who has no one else in his corner.

This is the argument that's raging in the silence. After one too many Sundays of missed sermons and loud disagreements at the dinner table, we stopped talking about "it".

The elephant in the room.

The disobedient daughter dating the forsaken son stopped being a topic of conversation and disappeared into radio silence.

And now we fill that tumultuous space with changing frequencies. Non-conversations. Emptiness. The sound of static church songs fills Dad's car while the air inside it runs on empty. 

I lower my window and breathe in the rush of sea salt and sun-kissed sand that always comes to greet me during the last mile and a half stretch to Elias's house.

The ocean's wild today. White caps kiss the surface as the wind whips across the waves. The air's more tense. Maybe it's the uncharacteristic overcast hanging over our always sunny coastline. Maybe it's the fear of not knowing how I'll find Elias after two weeks of not seeing him.

Maybe it's the weight of my dad's disapproval.

Or maybe it's me.

But regardless of where it's coming from, I can't let Elias see that anything's bothering me today.

I'm getting better at hiding things lately. I've hidden six months worth of sneak out dates, late night movies, and intimate moments with Elias where we've nearly crossed the line. 

Waiting is getting harder. Saying "no" doesn't have the strength that it used to. I want things with Elias that I never thought I'd want. But my dad doesn't know.

If he did, he wouldn't be driving me within ten miles of his place. But Dad thinks we mostly hang out at school and occasionally at each other's houses. He thinks we're mostly supervised. But Eli and I are getting better at finding loopholes.

Practice makes perfect.

And our idea of perfection doesn't involve our parents or our friends.

We escape to live. To breathe.

We go on long drives to faraway beaches when we shouldn't. We take on adventures neither of our parents would approve of.

But that's the thing.

Our happiness doesn't need anyone's approval to continue to exist. Not Maddie's. Not Mission Bay's. Not my dad's.

It's taken me nearly three years to find a reason to smile, to keep standing, and to want to survive myself.

And, at this point, I can't let anyone take that away from me.

Especially my father.

"We're here, Lacey."

The van jerks to a stop right in front of the King family's driveway. My dad's grip tightens around the wheel like it always does whenever he drops me off here, but his knuckles are paler than usual today. 

I try to ignore his obvious disappointment and lean over to kiss him goodbye even though I know it won't fix things. Band-Aids for bullet wounds I guess.

"Thanks for driving, Daddy. I'll call you when I'm on the way home."

I peck him on the cheek and reach for the door handle, but he stops me before I can escape outside.

"Why don't you call me when you're finished here, and I'll come pick you up instead," he says.

Dad's eyes fall on mine, but there's shadows underneath his suggestion.

"That's okay. I'll probably be late, and you have the big potluck at church tonight—"

"Which I would've appreciated your help with, but I understand that you have your priorities, Lacey."

This is how it always begins. The first spark in the air before we go back to the same argument we've been having since the summer. But I can't do this right now. Not before I see Elias. Not tonight.

"Look, I already promised to volunteer with you on Christmas Eve. So just let me have today without a fight? Please?"

He drags his fingers along his neatly trimmed mustache and slowly breathes through his frustration.

"Then, can we at least agree on me picking you up? How does nine sound?"

Too early.

"Dad, I'm not twelve anymore. I can find my way home."

"With him?"

My heart slows to a near stop. Elias and I have tried our best to be careful since he got his license back in September. Careful to only take the back roads when he drives me home. Careful not to get caught driving around when we shouldn't be. But, obviously, we weren't careful enough.

"Dad—"

"You know it takes a year, Lacey. A year for Elias to be legally allowed to drive anywhere with anyone near his age. You could get hurt!"

"I understand that, but he's really careful, Dad. Plus everyone at school does what he's doing. Everyone drives around their friends and siblings before they're supposed to. It's not a big deal!"

"It is a big deal when you're my daughter! Neither of you are being safe or responsible, and this behavior ends today! If you want to continue to see him at all, you will follow my rules, understand?!"

He's shouting. Dad never shouts. I've only heard him raise his voice a handful of times before today, but it was never like this. The sight of him sitting there, eyes wide, worried, and angry knocks the wind out of me. 

I don't want to disappoint him, but not disappointing him means destroying myself. It means going back to being who he wants me to be instead of who I feel I am.

So I do what I've learned to do ever since we stopped seeing eye to eye on just about everything. I pretend.

I nod like I accept his decisions because there's nothing else I can do to calm him down. He has to have faith in me still being his perfect little girl—even if it's a lie.

"I understand, Daddy."

"Then, I'll see you at nine."

I open the door and step out of the car without saying another word, but the storm kicking around inside my chest threatens to come flying out into the open. I want to speak my mind. 

I want to tell him that he's the reason why I sneak out, why I run, why I need Elias. 

Elias lets me breathe, he doesn't judge me, he allows me to exist without walls or restrictions. He looks at me and accepts me without question.

He looks at me like I'm someone special.

Like I'm someone beautiful.

Like I'm someone to him.

But when my dad looks at me these days—he puts miles between us every time he blinks.

Just like he is right now.

Dad lowers the window, I swallow the bitterness of our disconnect, and paint on a hollow smile.

"You know I love you, Lacey Jane. I only say these things and make these rules because you're the whole world to me."

I blow him an empty kiss and wait for him to believe it.

"I know. I love you too. See you later."

Dad starts the car and as I watch him drive down the street, I wait.

I wait for the glow of his taillights and the roar of his engine to fade into the distance.

I wait for the sting of his words and the shadow of his judgement to completely disappear.

I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Until he's far enough away for me to finally breathe.

***

I've barely managed to pull myself together when the sound of shattering glass cuts through the air. 

I whip around towards Elias's house and frantically scan the garage for signs of his dad's car. His space is empty. Maria and Elias's cars are the only ones in the driveway which eases the raw panic running inside my chest.

I shut my eyes to block out the memory of the purple blue bruises scattered across Elias's skin the first time I visited him here. I remember the way he hid them. The way he'd pretend that they didn't hurt whenever I was watching. 

I knew that pain. I understood exactly what it was like to wear visible scars that you wish the world couldn't see. I just didn't think I'd ever find someone who was carrying the same weight on their shoulders.

I've never wanted anyone else to have to shoulder a struggle like that.

Especially someone who feels as much as Elias does.

I just hope that I don't find him in the same place today.

Hiding bruises behind a smile.

I slowly approach the front steps and wait for the fluttering inside my chest to die down before I ring the bell. A minute or two passes, the door opens, and a shell of Elias is standing on the other side. He looks like the boy I've spent the last six months falling for. 

He's wearing the same lopsided smile, staring at me with the same wild eyes half-hidden behind his messy dark hair. But the quiet brokenness he always carries is different today. 

It's chaotic. Raging. Screaming through the silence, staining the fresh gauze wrapped around his hand. Shattering the illusion that everything is okay.

Maria appears from behind him, places her hands on Elias's shoulders like she's anchoring him to the ground. Like the two of them are standing in the middle of an invisible hurricane hanging on to their love as a lifeline.

Their shared sadness spills out into the welcome mat and completely surrounds me, but I don't surrender to it. I resist as it reaches up and tries to tear the steady smile off my lips. I stand my ground as it threatens to bring me to my knees.

I overcome it because I have to.

Because Elias needs me to.

Because I believe that we are stronger than the darkness we share.

Even when it tells people like us that we deserve to be left, that we deserve to be lonely, that we deserve less than nothing because we are less than nothing.

But tonight, I refuse to believe it. Because despite all of Eli's broken pieces, I still believe in him. Wholeheartedly. Nothing less.

"Hey, Lace."

Elias's voice stumbles out of his lips in almost a whisper. I tell myself not to cave under the sound and smile at him so he knows I know he's hurting.

"Hey, E. Hi, Mrs. King."

Elias's mom steps outside and pulls me into the tightest hug she ever has. I've gotten so used to her warmth and the way she always makes coming over feel like coming back to a second home. But today there's a desperation in the way she holds me that's as unfamiliar as it is unsettling. She pulls away from me after a long while and tries her best to brighten up like there's nothing wrong.

"Hi, sweetheart. I'd stay to hang out with you two, but Elias has a special evening planned, and I'm going to be the cool mom who doesn't make herself a third wheel. Have fun tonight! And, Elias, don't burn the house down."

"Okay, Mom. Love you."

She leans back and kisses Elias on the forehead before heading down towards the driveway.

"Later, Mrs. King!"

Elias takes his place next to me, but instead of walking me inside like I expect him to, he stands completely still. His eyes linger on Maria as she climbs into her car and slips into her sunglasses. She waves to the both of us, backs the car into the street, and eventually disappears down the hill.

Elias stands there in silence watching her leave, but unlike me, he doesn't breathe any easier when she's gone.

He's breathless.

***

"Have a seat, my lady."

Elias has his hands over my eyes and is slowly guiding me forward as I walk through the dark. From the minute we walked inside the house, his mood went from morose to mysterious in less than seconds. 

I'd barely crossed the threshold when he asked me to trust him, close my eyes, and follow him into the dimly lit living room. Now I'm wavering between excitement and nervousness the longer he holds me in suspense.

"You're weirdly secretive today, E. What's the occasion?" I ask.

He slows the two of us to a stop and gently lifts his hands away from my face.

"You are. Open your eyes. Happy anniversary, Lace."

Sometimes, when I'm with Elias, I feel like I'm living out a dream that doesn't belong to me. Like I'm standing in the place of a luckier girl than me. Someone who found the kind of boy who knows that happiness is as simple as remembering a day. 

Remembering how we began against all odds and are still strong together despite our parents and despite ourselves.

Elias has transformed the entire dining room from a place where we'd spend some nights eating and laughing together with his mom into a place that I'll only ever remember as being special to us. 

The table's covered with a white cloth and decorated with the same pink and orange rose petals that grow outside my house. They were my mom's favorite. The flower me and my dad have worked hardest to keep alive in our garden. And Elias brought that little piece of home here to me.

A handful of candles cast their glow just bright enough to highlight the nervous expectation on Elias's face in the almost dark. His eyes dart back and forth over every last detail on the table, just checking and rechecking if he got everything right.

Our places are neatly set with his mom's favorite plates she brought here from her hometown back in Spain. And if everything else wasn't perfect enough, a plate of fancily stacked Snickers Minis are lying in wait for me next to a most likely stolen bottle of champagne.

I take a second to take in all the bits and pieces of our story carefully splayed out on the table.

And I silently thank God for giving me a boy like him to fill all my empty pages.

"Did you—really do all of this for me?" I ask, my voice unsteady as I fight back the best kind of tears.

He wraps his always comforting arms around me from behind and holds me steady like he always does.

"Yeah, I know it's cheesy, but I'm saving up my allowance so I can treat you to some really cool anniversaries down the road."

I tilt my head backwards and kiss him so he feels just how grateful I am.

"Elias Alexander King—"

I turn around to face him and steady my eyes on his.

"—I think I'm gonna have a lot of fun falling in love with you."

The words stumble out of my mouth unexpectedly and slip into the sliver of space between us. I guess I've been holding them in for a while now. Waiting to be sure of a feeling that's been budding under the surface ever since I met Elias. 

There are so many people you meet in passing, so many friends who gradually dissolve into strangers and crushes who eventually lose their luster. But Elias has always been a light to me. A steady beam of warmth and comfort in the middle of all my chaos.

Whenever he looks at me, I feel important. Cherished. Like I'm not just a face in the crowd the way I was before I came to Mission Bay.

Whenever he touches me, I feel whole. Less focused on my imperfections. Less lonely.

Whenever he says my name, I hear where his heart is.

And, today, I want him to find mine.

I want these words to mean everything. To reach him in the middle of his darkness. To be as bold, honest, and beautiful as he is to me.

As he's always been.

Elias's cheeks flush dark red, and he grips the back of his neck out of nervous habit.

"You sure about that? I might screw things up," he teases.

I tap my finger against his nose to ease the tension out of him.

"Then, I'll use you for batting practice."

I let out my first genuine laugh of the evening, but Elias doesn't return it. Instead, he slips into an uneasy smile and seats me at the table before shuffling off toward the kitchen.

An uncomfortable silence fills the dining room, and the longer it stays, the more insecure I become about everything I said to him earlier. I've read article after article about girls making the mistake of revealing their feelings too early. There were countless stories of break-ups that followed right after premature confessions. Confessions just like mine.

I don't regret my honesty, but, suddenly, it occurs to me that maybe I was selfish. Maybe today isn't the right day for those words.

Maria and Elias looked so hollow when they opened the door earlier. Elias's hand was bandaged, but I didn't even bother to ask.

I walked inside and forgot about the harsher realities of our lives for a little while, and now we're here.

Trapped in the kind of quiet that's usually a symptom of a mistake instead of a success.

I stand up out of my chair and look for Elias in the kitchen. His back is turned to me, and his concentration's fully focused on whatever he's preparing over the oven.

"Is everything okay, Elias? I can help set up if you need anything."

He turns around with a plate of beautifully garnished pasta in his hands and tries to nod me out of the kitchen.

"It's okay. You're the woman of the hour tonight, so just sit tight and let me spoil you for once."

"Fine, if you say so. But, for the record, I'm here to help. Just say the word."

I turn back toward the dining room but don't even make it three steps before a loud crash sends me sprinting back to the kitchen.

Elias is down on his hands and knees, scrambling to pick up the pieces of his mother's broken plate that are scattered all over the tile around him. His white dress shirt's stained with bright red sauce, and his hands are shaking as he tries to deal with the mess.

And, suddenly, he stops.

Everything stops.

He drops the broken ceramic in his hands and breaks the silence with his sudden, unsteady breathing.

I step towards him to comfort him, to catch him before he shatters to pieces in the middle of his kitchen floor, but I'm not fast enough.

He buries his face in his hands and cries. And the sound is so honest, and terrible, and broken that it brings me to my knees beside him. I take him into my arms and rock him back and forth while his whole body shakes beneath my fingers.

I hold him and tell him that everything will be okay even though I know nothing is.

Even though I can't promise him that anything will be.

I whisper the words that are the closest thing to hope that I can give him.

A little while passes, and suddenly he looks at me—eyes littered with tears but soft and steady when they fall on mine.

As soft and steady as the near silent "I love you" he whispers against my lips.

And I kiss him.

Not because of his brokenness.

Not to heal the bruises he still carries and always will.

But because kissing him in this moment is a matter of survival.

And, after nearly three years of holding my breath hoping for better days, I'm finally breathing again.

###

Thank you guys so much for reading/listening this week! This chapter really was special for me to write because it mirrors a very significant chapter/memory for Elias in Cheater.Faker.Troublemaker so it was an awesome experience writing this day from Lacey's perspective. I hope it was as moving to read as it was to write :)! 

#RealTalkQuestionoftheWeek:

1. What do you think of how Lacey's changed since getting into a relationship with Elias? Is it for the better or worse?

2. What do you think happened between Elias and his mom prior to Lacey arriving? (If you've read CFTM don't spill the beans lol :P)