Idol! Choi Yeonjun x Idol! Choi Soobin

Idol AU

Words: 3.7k

Summary:
Yeonjun and Soobin are just friends.

...right?

A/n:
This is just my YeonBin angst songfic based on a song I wrote inspired by YeonBin's episode at that radio show...

Warning:
Angst (with no happy ending...)

•••

———

❝You say we are just friends,
And I pretend to play along,
This game of you and me right here,
It's been going on for so long❞

———

Being an idol is not easy; and the five boys knew that. Yeonjun knew that. Life wouldn't be the same again, they will have to make personal sacrifices to be a public figure, and they had been okay with that. They were okay because it was part of the dream. Because it was part of being who they are.

But perhaps the only time Yeonjun actually really hated that part of his life was when he met Soobin.

Shy, sweet yet caring Soobin. Calm, composed yet cool Soobin. Their perfect leader, who he knew even before he was chosen as the leader. The yin to his yang, the sun to his moon; the one who complimented Yeonjun so perfectly, who just fit him like a missing puzzle piece.

They were friends. They still are, but that's the word that is always said with an emphasis; the words that warned of anything less and anything more. The words that can either make you relieved or so so disappointed. And yet, that's what they always were. That's what they always will be.

And it was so easy to pretend that yes, that's it, that's all, there's nothing else in the game. To just smile and hide his feelings and play around to cover the trails left behind by his strong and intense feelings.

"Yah, Soobinie!" Yeonjun pouted at the younger boy, who just rolled his eyes at the older's antics but didn't pay attention to him otherwise. "Pay attention to me!"

"I am, hyung," Soobin answered, but the smile on his face was a dead giveaway of how much he was enjoying it too.

The practice room was empty save for the five boys; they had been given a small break in their practice and the staff had gone to get their lunch. While the other four were resting, Soobin had insisted on trying to perfect the dance move only he couldn't get and the others could.

But Yeonjun was tired and he could see that Soobin was too. He could see that Soobin just wanted to get this done with so that he won't have to worry about it later on. And that wouldn't do. Because Soobin was tired and then even if he tried, the move wouldn't look as it was supposed to.

"C'mere," Yeonjun made grabby hands at him to make him come to him instead of dancing. "Look, hyung promises to teach you the move if you come here and rest right now. I will personally see to it that you get it down to the t, okay?"

"Really?" Soobin paused in his movements to look at Yeonjun but the question wasn't really a question anyway. The mirth in Soobin's eyes just showed that he knew this was how it would end up. Yeonjun smiled and nodded.

He wanted it to end up like this too.

———

❝But do you know the truth of us?
The secrets beneath our smiles,
The hidden meanings behind our words,
And our lies that go on for miles❞

———

Friends.

The empty word echoed in Yeonjun's mind when the day ended, every night it struck him like the clock hands strike at twelve and Yeonjun found himself thinking about them.

Sometimes, he really hated his situation. He hated that he couldn't tell his feelings to Soobin clearly, and that Soobin couldn't say them back either.

Because he wasn't blind; he knew from the way Soobin acted around him that he liked him too. But there was the unspoken rule between them that they could never voice out their thoughts. Could never voice their own feelings because it just can't be done. That's the only way it will ever work.

For their fans, for the rest of the world, they were just Yeonjun and Soobin, two bandmates, two friends; nothing more, nothing less. And sometimes, Yeonjun couldn't help but resent these people; they couldn't see what was clearly visible to Yeonjun and Soobin.

They couldn't see the way they smiled at each other. They couldn't see the way they were so at ease with each other. They couldn't understand the inside jokes that rested behind their words.

They didn't know the meaning that lingered behind a particular line they said to each other. They didn't know what made them happy like Yeonjun and Soobin knew each other.

They couldn't see past their lies, their façades that they always put up. They never suspected, never thought about what could be there; never tried to understand it or know it because it was just beyond them.

"Yeonjun-hyung, I love you!~"

Soobin said it cutely with lots of aegyo, the punishment he had received after losing a mission in one of their promotional shows. Yeonjun blushed heavily, seeing the knowing glint in Soobin's eyes that told him that he really really meant it in both platonic and romantic ways.

The punishment made winning all that much better in Yeonjun's opinion. If he won, he wouldn't have to worry about Soobin doing his punishment on the other members.

This way, he could have what he wanted, what they wanted, and nobody would suspect. Nobody would have to know.

They didn't know.

———

❝Friends don't do what we do,
They don't give kisses, like you want me to,
They don't stare with so much in their eyes,
They don't hide their truth, beneath their lies,
Yeah friends don't do what we do,
They don't have all that we have,
Friends don't do, friends don't do,
Friends don't do what we do❞

———

It was like running in circles.

Everyday Yeonjun woke up and played the same game of tag with Soobin and the rest of the world. The same push-and-pull. The same hide-and-seek, the same game that never ended.

But at the end of the day, when they went to sleep, Yeonjun really wondered if nobody knew. If they really couldn't understand that Yeonjun and Soobin can't be just friends.

Because friends don't do all the things they do. They don't send kisses and winks to each other on live radio and then come back to the dorms to tease each other over it before cuddling on the couch to hide everything they really want to say.

Because friends don't stare at their friends with the longing that Yeonjun and Soobin have. Their eyes don't fill with fondness and indescribable love at even the most stupid things the other does and they don't desire so strongly for their friends.

Because friends don't hide what they feel towards each other because they're afraid of what the world will say. They share their secrets and go ahead together; not lie to each other and the rest of the world to make sure they have a tomorrow together.

Yeah, friends don't do what they do, and it wasn't hard to see that.

"Yah, Yeonjun-hyung!" Soobin playfully pushed him backwards on the couch that the two of them were lounging on. They had come back from an award show and the other three had already fallen asleep because of how tired they were, but Yeonjun and Soobin wanted to catch the last few minutes of the day with each other; because it was the only time they got to be truly alone. "Why did you have to sing along with TWICE-sunbaenim's More & More while looking at me?"

Soobin looked mortified, almost scared as he sat next to Yeonjun and hugged his knees.

"Didn't you like and agree to it, Binnie?" Yeonjun asked, pouting his lips as he looked at the other boy.

"It's not that, hyung," Soobin hesitated, playing with his lower lip as he spoke. "You know I loved it; it's just that you know the artists lounge are recorded when other artists are performing. They must have recorded the whole thing! What if they realise...?"

"Realise what, Soobin?" Yeonjun asked quietly, a sad smile etched on his face. Soobin's breath hitched at that and he looked away, his own eyes full of unshed tears. "There's nothing to realise anyway. If they do find it, they will probably think I'm a fan of TWICE-sunbaenim and I'm okay with that. If they catch me looking at you while singing that, they will see the way you were giggling and laughing and think that it's probably some inside joke between us, not that I was singing those lyrics for..."

Yeonjun stopped himself before he crossed the line, before he could actually say it. Soobin's face was pleading, like he wanted Yeonjun to say it and at the same time, not say it. So he didn't. He took the easy but hurtful way out.

"There is nothing to realise, Binnie," Yeonjun repeated again, just as quietly as he brought Soobin into a warm hug before they parted for the night.

Because friends don't love each other the way they do.

———

❝I can see your lingering stares,
The way you follow my every word,
I know you know I love your laugh,
And how to me you're the whole world❞

———

Soobin was staring at him again.

They were filming an episode of To Do, they had to search the library for grape stickers and they were on opposing teams. And Yeonjun had said that he didn't want to win, he just wanted Soobin to lose because then he had a reason to look for and at Soobin.

But Soobin was looking at him too. When he was going through bookshelves and Yeonjun came near, he saw the way the boy's eyes lingered on him for a few seconds longer than they are supposed to and whenever one of them caught the other starting, they would tried to cover their laughs and turn around to go the other way.

That was how it always was. Everything hidden under a smile, a laugh. All their feelings, all their words, all under a smile. Not too much, not too less.

Yeonjun knew that Soobin likes him too. He would be a fool not to; after hiding so much from the world, how could they hide it even from each other? But he had never heard the words from Soobin's own lips, never heard it from Soobin's deep voice.

And perhaps it was better that way, because then he could probably go on pretending that it wasn't the case because he didn't have a taste of what could be; it was better that way, he told himself.

Soobin seemed to share the same sentiment, because once they realised each other's feelings, it was just all action and no words at all. Because while you can pretend in an act, saying it out loud would be like a confirmation.

A confirmation they did not need. A confirmation that would cost them more than it would give them.

So they didn't say anything.

They just settled on saying their words through their eyes, and making sure they heard every other word that comes from the other's mouth.

"Are you okay, hyung?" Soobin had asked. Yeonjun's head was paining a bit but he hadn't said anything to anyone and thought he had a pretty good act going on. The other three were on a high energy today and he just wasn't feeling up to it but he pretended to be just as excited and energised too, ignoring the dull ache in his head until Soobin quietly asked him the question in the corner of the room.

"I would say I'm fine, but I can't hide anything from you," Yeonjun admitted, settling his gaze on the youngest three as they hyped each other up for the photoshoot that was taking place. "Just a small headache, nothing much. It will go away after a bit, probably. How did you know anyway?"

"Just the way you sounded," Soobin said off-handedly, as he looked over Yeonjun's face curiously. "You sure you are okay, hyung? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"Laugh," Yeonjun said immediately and Soobin looked at him in confusion. "Laugh, Binnie. I feel better when I see you happy."

"Hyung!" Soobin giggled, "You can't just tell someone to laugh! You have to do something funny to make them laugh!"

"Saying laugh seems to work," Yeonjun said amused, but he felt warm inside, seeing Soobin giggle and laugh like that. "Unless you want me to tell you a dad joke?"

"Oh my god, noooo!" Soobin whined and pushed him away and Yeonjun easily feel back into their banter, threatening Soobin to listen to the new one he learned recently all while Soobin tried to block him out and close his own ears.

Yeonjun knew that he was okay pretending all the time, because then atleast, he had his whole world with him. He didn't need more. He wanted more, yes, but he could do without.

He will have to.

———

❝It's so easy to just pretend,
Play along like we don't mean it,
But I'm dying inside everyday,
My flower is about to wilt❞

———

Yeonjun could pretend.

He had to, it was the only way it could ever work but it wasn't like it made everything better or bearable.

Because everytime he touched Soobin, everytime he was fully aware of Soobin's existence– that he was real and breathing and in Yeonjun's arms, it was so hard to not let his feelings show.

It was hard to keep his overflowing love inside. It was hard to hide his emotions even from the youngest three, who knew them like the back of their hands and were now starting to suspect them.

It was hard and Yeonjun was dying inside.

"Can you get us some juice?" Beomgyu called from his and Soobin's bedroom and Yeonjun, who was stepping out for a walk, paused to turn around and shout out a yes. "Thanks!"

Soobin tumbled out of their room, almost like somebody had pushed him and Yeonjun stopped to look at him. He was wearing a grey hoodie and black fitting jeans. His blue hair was ruffled but he looked straight up adorable to Yeonjun, who smiled automatically at him.

"Uhm, I'll join you hyung," Soobin said timidly, straightening up and trying to pat down his hair. "I hope you don't mind..."

"Nah, come on," Yeonjun crossed the room and wrapped his hand around Soobin's wrist before tugging him out of their dorm and onto the street. Silence consumed them as they walked, but it wasn't awkward. They just didn't have anything to talk about.

Yeonjun glanced at Soobin every so often whenever he thought the boy wasn't looking. Soobin had got his hoodie up to hide his hair and his mask on as well but even then, he looked like the most beautiful boy Yeonjun had ever laid eyes on.

"Hyung, did you hear Beomgyu's new song?" Soobin asked and Yeonjun had to stop from his daydreaming to answer the younger boy. The two talked about Beomgyu's new song that was he hoping would be on the next album but Yeonjun was hurting inside.

He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to run away and into Soobin's arms. He just wanted to be free. Yeonjun sighed.

‘I try to hold it in, I try to endure it everyday,
But it's not easy, right now I need your hand.’

———

❝Friends don't do what we do,
They don't give kisses, like you want me to,
They don't stare with so much in their eyes,
They don't hide their truth, beneath their lies,
Yeah friends don't do what we do,
They don't have all that we have,
Friends don't do, friends don't do,
Friends don't do what we do❞

—•—

❝Yeah we just gotta pretend for 'em,
Say we're friends and that's the end,
If they suspect and point it out,
We just laugh and say we're friends❞

———

But they can't hide it forever. Someone will see, someone will notice... And someone did.

"Hyung... Do you," Beomgyu seemed to be hesitating. The two of them were in Beomgyu's studio, since Beomgyu had asked Yeonjun's opinion on a song he was working on. They were done with the work and had taken a break when Beomgyu asked him, "Do you like Soobin?"

"What kind of question is that?" Yeonjun asked in amusement, stretching on the couch in his studio. "Of course I like Soobinie. He's a great friend before he's our leader–"

"Not as friends," Beomgyu said quietly. Yeonjun closed his mouth. "I meant as, as more than that. Do you love Soobin?"

"Beomgyu, where is this coming from?" Yeonjun was tired. He didn't want to lie, he didn't want to pretend but he had to. The youngest three don't need this burden as well. Beomgyu sighed.

"I don't know, I just," Beomgyu bit his lip, eyeing his computer instead of looking at Yeonjun. "I'm not blind, okay? I know there's something going on between you two, but I just, I need a confirmation. From you yourself. Are you dating?"

"Dating?" Yeonjun started to laugh but it was just to cover the ugly tearing inside him. "Beomgyu, we're just friends! We're not dating."

"Then why do you look at Soobin that way, hyung?" Beomgyu asked calmly and Yeonjun stopped laughing. "You're not dating, okay, but what about your feelings? You like him, don't you?"

"Beomgyu...," Yeonjun didn't know what to say. Maybe his act wasn't as good as he had thought. Beomgyu seemed to believe that Yeonjun liked Soobin very firmly and Yeonjun couldn't deny it because it was the truth.

"Please don't lie to me hyung," Beomgyu's voice was soft, gentle– almost as if he was coaxing Yeonjun to tell him the truth. "Please."

"Okay," Yeonjun exhaled. "I do. I do like him. But please don't, don't tell him or anyone else. Please, I beg you. Definitely not the company, they will never let us, let us..."

"Hyung, we don't have a dating ban," Beomgyu reminded him gently. "You can, if you want to..."

"And what if someone leaks it?" Yeonjun asked, his voice sounding faraway, not like his own. "What if the world comes to know? What if our MOAs come to know and they don't... It will ruin us, Beomgyu. My feelings aren't worth all this trouble."

"Hyung..."

Beomgyu seemed to feel Yeonjun's ache but he was helpless. He couldn't do anything and Yeonjun knew that. So Yeonjun just smiled, stood up and ruffled his hair before telling him to finish working soon. Yeonjun left him like that.

———

❝But behind closed doors, it's you and me,
The world long forgotten behind,
We can smile and love but we don't,
The world always stays in our mind❞

———

And then it was just the two of them.

Beomgyu had asked Yeonjun to sleep in his and Soobin's room for that day. Yeonjun had refused at first but Beomgyu looked like he was about to cry so Yeonjun just hugged him and did what he said.

Soobin and Beomgyu's room was drowned in a weird silence as Yeonjun shifted uncomfortably on Beomgyu's bed. Soobin was watching him quietly after closing the door.

"Why does Beomgyu want you to sleep here?" Soobin asked in confusion and suspicion. Yeonjun shut his eyes closed, his fists clenched on his lap.

"I, I, don't know," he lied to Soobin but he knew that Soobin knew that he knew why. Or kind of, atleast.

"Is he... not feeling well?" Soobin asked, concerned. "Is he angry at me?"

"No, no, it's not like, not like that," Yeonjun couldn't lie to Soobin like this. "He, um, he found out."

"Found out what?" Soobin asked, confused.

"About us," Yeonjun swallowed, thinking about how stupid this is. There is no 'us'. Soobin froze and looked at Yeonjun in fear.

"What about us?" Soobin asked, but his voice was a whisper. "There is, there is nothing we're hiding hyung. Then what–"

"You know what it is, Soobin," Yeonjun couldn't meet his eyes. He was staring at his own fists. "I think he just, feels really bad for us or something like that. He is hurting for us. And I didn't know what to do so I just, decided to do what he says."

"He's hurting for us," Soobin's eyes were full of tears but he was smiling, feeling full of love for Beomgyu. "That sweet silly boy... Hyung, you're an idiot. Come on, let's bring him here and cuddle him to death. He shouldn't be hurting over us; we're hurting enough as it is."

And Yeonjun nodded, once again reminded of why he loves Soobin so much. Because Soobin completed him in ways he can never fathom. Because where he lacked, Soobin made up.

They brought Beomgyu back and all of them clambered into Soobin's bed, Beomgyu forced to be between the two of them, who clung to him like koalas.

Beomgyu cried and apologized to them but the two just comforted and consoled him, told him it was okay. Told him that he shouldn't hurt because of them.

"But hyung, you can," Beomgyu was tired after all the crying and he was sleepy. "You can date secretly, right? No one will have to know...  Not even the company."

Soobin shared a glance with Yeonjun but they both knew what their answer would be. It would be hard to hide it from their company; they are already trying their best as it is.

"It's okay, Beomgyu," Soobin said gently, carding his hand through Beomgyu's hair. "We... can't do that. But it's okay because we are pulling through. Maybe not now, but maybe some day we will find the courage to do what we want to do. But until then, don't waste your tears over us. We would rather see you happy and smiling, yeah?"

And Yeonjun proceeded to press butterfly kisses over Beomgyu's forehead as the two older brothers took care of their younger brother. When Beomgyu fell asleep, Yeonjun squeezed Soobin's hand and pressed a light kiss on his forehead as well.

"We'll be strong for each other, yeah?" He said with a sad smile to Soobin. Soobin smiled and nodded at him.

"Because we're friends."

———

❝Friends don't do what we do,
They don't give kisses, like you want me to,
They don't stare with so much in their eyes,
They don't hide their truth, beneath their lies,
Yeah friends don't do what we do,
They don't have all that we have,
Friends don't do, friends don't do,
Friends don't do what we do.❞

———

•••

The End

A/n:
This is literally the angstiest thing I have ever written and while I am sorry, I mostly don't really care so yeah :) You chose this pain, don't blame me...

Also, I wrote this song for YeonBin, so I own the right to these lyrics. Please don't use them without crediting me or else I'll 🔪🔪 🙃

Other than that, hope you enjoyed! 🥰💜

P.S. I completely forgot to upload this on Wattpad, lol... I uploaded it on AO3 and then forgot to do it here 😆 Sorry for the delay!