41. Franny

The months passed quickly and things went back to normal. The only difference is that I now have Tyler to spend the days with. Mid-year exams went and now people are preparing for the end of year exams. It was also time to plan my future.

I get the email on Saturday morning.

First, I'm ecstatic as I hide my phone away and go to tell my dad. He becomes even more excited and rambles on about the university and everything I'll now be able to do. Then my excitement fades a little and the worry slowly sets in.

I don't look at the email after that. I try to smile when Dad talks about it, which seems to be almost every time we see each other. I should be happy. This is what I want. And deep down I am. But on the surface, it's hard to look forward to something that you know will start with heartbreak.

***

Ethan, as usual, is being reckless.

I can feel it when Tally freezes up beside me as Ethan does a flip on his bike in the air. I turn away from the cheering crowd and face Tally, nudging her shoulder.

"He's fine," I say. "He knows what he's doing."

"No, he doesn't," Tally grumbles. "He's a stupid idiot who wants to fly."

I watch as Ethan takes off from a board and soars straight into the air before roughly coming back down, only just catching his balance.

"Well he's doing a pretty good job at flying right now," I mutter and Tally sighs.

"He thinks that because it's his last race that he can act like a dumbass and everything will be okay. Well, he's still got a mild concussion so if he falls off that bike and ends up in a damn coma, it's his fault."

I smile a little, a laugh pushing past my lips.

"So how are things with you and Ethan?" I ask.

"Nowhere from where they were before," Tally smiles tightly. "He has things he wants to do, I have things I want to do. We're also not very compatible; we piss each other off most of the time."

"So, nothing can come from that?" I frown and Tally shrugs.

"It is what it is," she says. "Some things just aren't meant to be. Maybe one day, but not today. What's going on with you and Tyler, anyway?"

I look down past the many heads in the crowd until my eyes land on Tyler, who stands with the bikers off to the side, watching his friend race.

"Things are fine," I say.

Tally groans and rolls her eyes. "Fine, fine, fine. Everything is always fine for you two. It's like you're waiting for the inevitable to come so you just keep appeasing everyone by saying it's fine, fine, fine."

"Seriously we're f—" I stop myself and look back down at Tyler.

I blink and look away. Red. I see red when I see Tyler. And when I see red all I can do is remember everything that happened. I know something similar is happening with Tyler. He can't quite look me in the eyes. Neither of us can.

Something has shifted in our relationship. Something that isn't easily repairable.

We aren't fine, I realize.

We really aren't fine.

'I love you' means nothing if you're not in the right state to prove it.

"I . . . I don't know," I breathe. "I don't know what's happening with us."

Tally's frown deepens. "What's Tyler doing after he graduates?"

I shrug because I simply don't know. We haven't talked about it and I realize as I stand there that we should have. Ethan and Tally have, everyone else has. So why haven't we? Why are we prolonging the inevitable?

"Does he know you got into UCLA?" Tally asks.

My throat closes up and I shake my head.

"Why haven't you told him yet?" she asks.

"Because I don't know what to say," I answer and the crowd roars with a cheer, effectively and conveniently ending our conversation.

I smile and clap as Ethan's bike comes to a stop and he is surrounded by people within an instant. Tally doesn't continue where we left off as we walk down the stairs to get to the arena floor. We hop over the fence with the help of Ethan and Tyler, and land on the ground.

We congratulate Ethan on the win and 'retirement,' but he's swept off into a conversation with Tally behind him seconds later. That leaves me with Tyler.

"We need to talk," I say suddenly, realizing how harsh it sounds. "It's nothing bad we just . . . we need to talk."

Tyler nods and takes my hand, pulling me out of the stadium and towards the truck.

***

We park the truck in the middle of a public field and lie down in the cargo bed, with our legs dangling over the edge. There is a chill in the air, but I ignore it apart from the occasional shiver or rough breeze.

"What did you want to talk about?" Tyler asks, arms behind his head.

"Where are you going after graduation?" I ask.

Tyler shrugs. "I'm not too sure anymore. My plans have kind of been thrown all over the place."

"What were your plans before?"

"Football. It was a long shot, but I thought maybe I could re-join the team. But I was too late, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

I frown. "Stay another year and join the team next season. Or join the football club in the city. Ask the coach if he'd be willing to train you. There are so many things you can do, Ty."

Tyler thinks for a moment. "I didn't think about doing that."

I scoff. "You missed one season. You had a rough patch. That doesn't mean everything is flushed down the toilet and doesn't matter anymore. Prove that you care enough and you can get whatever you want."

Tyler smiles softly. "There's a reason you're the smart one in this relationship."

I laugh. "You're not as stupid as you make yourself out to be."

Tyler turns his head to me. "You got into a college, didn't you?"

I turn my head and meet his stare with a questioning look. "How did you . . . "

"You're not as much of an enigma as you make yourself out to be," Tyler says. "If we had to go somewhere to talk then it was that you got into a college or you were breaking up with me." A crease darkens his face. "Or both."

I shake my head quickly. "Not both, not both. I don't want to break up with you, ever. I just . . . yeah, I got into a college."

"Shouldn't you be happy?" He chuckles. "Don't look so sad about it."

"It's in California," I say, and Tyler looks away for a moment.

The only sound is the rustling of trees and the odd car driving past on the road nearby. I turn and look back up at the sky, the clouds darkening the day and making everything grey.

"A different state," Tyler says finally.

I nod. "A different state."

"How do you feel about that?"

I huff out a laugh. "Jesus, Ty, you're not my therapist."

"Sorry." He smiles. "But seriously, a new state is a big step."

"That's what I'm worried about," I say.

"You'll be fine," Tyler says. "Things always work out."

Fine.

I smile tightly. "Yeah, there's nothing to worry about. I'm overthinking things."

Something doesn't sit right. I lie there with the wind picking up and the air turning cold and know that this wasn't what I expected. I thought his reaction would be different. Having Tyler open to the idea of me going to college in another state is what I wanted, but for him to be one hundred percent onboard immediately feels off. It feels like he doesn't care as much as I thought.

I know it's wrong the second it crosses my mind, but the thought is still there, hovering in the background. Maybe this was all he really wanted. For the relationship to get this far and then disband and break away into the air.

Perhaps everything with Carl has become too much. If I'm constantly struggling, trying to wrap my head around what happened, what I see and what I have to keep seeing for the rest of my life, then maybe it's the same or even worse for Tyler. Seeing me could just be a constant reminder.

Maybe he's relieved that our relationship might not be able to keep going.

"Don't give me up so easily," I whisper, almost to myself.

I hear Tyler sigh before he kisses my shoulder through my jacket.

"I'll always fight for you."

***

Prom dress shopping has never been something I've thought too much about. I always knew that it would be a last-minute thing, and that I'd have to try to keep it all under one hundred dollars.

I had expected by now that Tally would have her dress, locked away since October.

Instead I find her in a mad panicked rush trying to find the perfect lump of fabric.

"Green's really not my color," she mutters as she turns her body back and forth in front of the large mirror.

She's drowning in shiny, green material and I immediately know that if she doesn't take it off, I'll destroy the dress myself.

"I mean if you like it . . . " I start.

"I hate it," Tally sighs.

"Oh, thank God, because it's horrible," I laugh.

Tally throws her hands up. "It looked nice on the mannequin."

"You're thinking too out of the box," I say. "Just wear what you know looks good."

Tally nods her head and begins walking to the changing room.

"I expect you to be in a dress when I get out," Tally says.

I shift on the little chair I'm sitting on and frown. "Fine, but I'm not looking to buy today."

"Prom is literally around the corner," Tally says. "Stop ruining the mood and just try a damn dress on."

She disappears behind a curtain and I yank myself up off the chair. I walk around the room, hand gliding over dresses, some shrouded in plastic covers, and some not. My eyes look over all the colors until I find a set that is more muted and bland.

I immediately hover over a blush-colored dress with lace covering the top half. I internally roll my eyes at myself when my stomach does an excited little dip.

The woman who helped out Tally walks past and I quickly get her attention.

"Can I try this on?"

Two giant clips, no bra, and little dignity later, I walk out from behind the curtain to stand in front of the mirror. Light pink fabric falls from my waist, while my torso and chest are bound with lace.

I turn from side to side like Tally did and begin to smile a little bit. Tally comes out from behind another curtain and walks up beside me, dressed in a golden gown that hugs her figure until it flares at the bottom.

"I think you may have found your dress," Tally says.

"Same to you," I reply.

I take everything in; the room, the timing, the dress, and how suddenly it is all coming down on me. I stand in front of the mirror and smile, yet my heart is racing a million miles an hour and my skin feels hot.

Tally grins and I try to grin back, but all I can think about is how real this all suddenly feels.

- Ellie x