Ecclesiastes 12 vs 13- "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man."

Special thanks to GoldenWriterProfile Bullied For Christ won 1st place in the spiritual category🥳 (should have announced it since but because this chapter was ready, I couldn't). Thinking of ways to celebrate it but none is coming up. Special thanks to everyone who made it happen ❣

TW : This chapter contains suicidal thoughts and mention of death which might be harmful to some readers, but from the part with the asterisk (*), so pls take caution.

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February 2013

I woke up to a grumbling stomach as I turned to see no creamy tuscan chicken, no lasagna, no mac and cheese, no bruschetta, no risotto, no veal masala, just nothing except from my Bible. My appetite this evening was craving for Italian foods; they were my best kind with spaghetti and meatballs being my favorite.

But then I shut my eyes to it as I remembered what my dad said to me this morning before leaving. ' Starve yourself till they come home. And if that deity up there takes your life in exchange for theirs, so be it! '

I gave muffled tears as I wished for this to be true. If I have to walk through the fire, carry a thousand blocks, get beaten everyday, die every minute just to have them back here, I'd do it. I hate relieving that night over and over again and having no one by my side. Not even God.

My hands tightened unto the sheet upon remembering His name. He was part of my many regrets, He somehow managed to deceive the universe that He was up there watching over us, when in reality He was just a God who never cared. He was the cause of our pain and I hate Him so much, I hate that everyday, He stays silent and leaves me bitter.

His word revealed just how unfaithful He was and whenever I came across one that spoke on how He delivers one from trouble, I rip it off and shred it. And this was the same pleasure I felt when I saw the three recently torn pages on my bed — I'm finally putting those lies in its place.

Dead Promises!

The six pm alarm buzzed as I sensed trouble but wasn't moved. My dad would be home soon and I haven't finished half of what he wrote down for me. I stood up and held the nearest object as I began to miss those days.

Those days when I never did chores, those days when I slept early and woke up late, those days when I got whatever I wanted, those days when my room was always sparkling and spotless and not now that it looked like a dump. Dirty clothes hung everywhere, disgusting odor came from the bathroom, hair strands, crayons, pencils, tissues littered the floor, easily spotted cobwebs in corners, an unwashed bowl of cereals from last night, etc.

And this messy room still had Deborah's pure jasmine scent — inhaling it everyday was a taste of torture.

I clung to myself; the white crop top and pink short I was putting on in this freezing weather made my body really dry due to the exposure. My dad burnt all my warm clothes as he told me how I didn't deserve the good things of life, that I deserve to wither in the cold with no one to help me, just like how she died. The only thing he left me with was a blanket and several wears like this.

I picked a rough paper from the floor and read through.

CHORES TO BE FINISHED BEFORE SIX

A. Make the house spotless, mustn't find a prickle of dust.

B. Arrange the tools in the garage.

C. Ensure the hellebore flower doesn't wither. Remember how your mother loved them.

D. Write a thousand word essay on how stupid you are.

TODAY'S MISSION

E. Starve yourself till your bones come out.

DAILY CONFESSION

F. I'm a fool, I don't deserve to be loved.

"I'm a fool, I don't deserve to be ..." Tears wet the paper and thoughts of self hate began coming in. They reminded me of who I truly was, "... loved."

Everything was against me; even the heavens has rejected me. I deserve a more tormenting place than hell because I was the cause of our downfall. I should have been the one sent to an early grave, not them.

I broke down again and walked to the living room just to remember that afternoon; it reminded me of why I don't deserve to be happy.

I looked at the center table and saw Deborah drawing there, saw the smile that filled my dad and I's eyes as we served cookies, saw my mum sitting on this sofa as she sang and gave us all gift thereafter, remembered the talent show, the hide and seek, pillow fight etc ... I wish those memories stayed forever; I missed my family.

"Crying from now till tommorrow won't change the fact that you are evil," the murderous voice sounded as my sobs intensified.

Slowly and with less confidence, I raised my eyes to meet my dad's and a wave of fear swept through me. My dad was not the man he used to be, he was now hideous, grumpy and hateful. His hair was fuller and with the shot he threw at me, I feared for my life; it was filled with so much anger and yet satisfaction for seeing me this helpless and alone.

"Dad you're ..."

"Don't ever call me that!" he snapped, cutting me short. "I am not a father to a bastard child like you, so let this be ..." He pinched my ear as I yelled and danced to the pain. "... the last time you say that, understood?" he warned and pushed me backwards as I held my ear which was now hot against my palm.

"I-I'm sorry, I made a mistake." 

"You're sorry?" he scoffed and dropped his brown messenger bag on the floor before coming closer to me slowly and deadly, like a ravening wolf. "Can it fix anything? Can it bring them back?"

"I'm ..." I stopped, I couldn't even speak again, the guilt was eating me up.

"It's been six months already and you're expecting me to forgive you like nothing happened? How could I ever forget that my wife and daughter died by your hands!" He dragged and twisted my hair as this forced me to look at him, my lips quivering.

"I would never forgive you, not in this life, nor in the one to come. You would live every bit of your day paying for their deaths, I will make you go through unbereable pain that you wish you were the one that died. I will make you bleed and crush you till there's nothing in you anymore. Then you would know what suffering feels and until then you will never have peace! "

I cried uncontrollably as I watched my dad utter these words without sympathy. He was determined to get rid of me but before he does I would do so myself tomorrow when it's just me at home. I would leave this world for him. This home was prison to me, I blame myself for still being alive. 

"If any tear drops again ..." He threatened as I sealed my lips with my both hands, a thousand words buried inside. My dad has really changed, he was not the father that once pampered me when I cried, now he hates when I do that.

"Now ..." He released me and went to sit as he told me to stand before him, I obeyed reluctantly; the center table being the gap between us. This was the only thing that remained intact after these months, every other thing — paintings, flower vases, accent chairs, side tables, etc — that was not present made this room look plain . My dad sold them to have more alcohol.

"Why does the garage look untouched?" He was smoking this time.

It took me a while to answer but when I did, I lied. "I ... I arranged them ."

"So you're calling me a liar, is that it?"

My chest was cut up but I maintained a composure . "No but I- I sorted the tools out and..and I clea ..." I started crying due to the pressure . 

"Did I touch you?" I shook my head while wiping the tears.

He puffed out a smoke and seemed unusually calm which made it more hard to read him. "Where is your essay?"

"I..I wrote it but when I got to the eight hundredth word, I went to do the laundry and washed the plates in the kitchen. But when I was done , I didn't find the paper anymore I searched the whole house but it was stolen. "

My dad laughed in a ridiculous manner as this made him start coughing. "So you're saying robbers came to my house while I was gone?"

"No, they didn't come, the paper just disappeared and I couldn't trace it. But then I realized I flushed it a-and that was how I lost it." I was starting to feel unconscious but I just hoped he believed me.

"What to do with you?" He clicked his tongue as he dropped his cigarette to light another, I was beginning to feel disturbed. "First it was stolen then it disappeared and now it was flushed ... until when will you stop being a pain in my ass!" I felt a sharp sting on my belly as I yelled and held my tummy. The pain was tormenting.

"For not saying the truth ..." He brought out a book and pen and placed it on the table. "Write your essay outside and don't come in unless it's complete. Don't try to play smart. Don't go to the garage and your fast also continues till daybreak."

"Dad p-please."

"Why are you still here? Get the hell out of my sight!"

"Y-yes." I took the items in a hurry and fell down at three different spots before getting to the door.

Outside was extremely cold as this made my wound more sore and painful. I placed one hand over it and used the other one to knock. 

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I knocked on the door, not once nor twice but repeatedly, like one who was chased by robbers b ut it proved abortive. "D-dad." I sobbed as I rested my forehead to the door. "I'm cold, please open up. P-please ... I'm scared. Let me come in."

I gave up when I heard the TV speak as this meant one thing; my dad wasn't ready to hear me out. I sat down with my back to the door as I stared at the materials before me, holding the pen was extremely difficult but I wrote still.

' WHY I AM SO STUPID?'

1. I am a nobody
2. I am worthless
3. I don't value anything
4. III

My head was spinning at this point as the weight of the pen became very light for me till it finally dropped. I was then back to my cage.

I wish I never lived to see my tenth birthday, at least that way dad would have been so happy with just mum and Deborah since I was the black sheep, Deborah would have lived her life forgetting I once existed and mum would have given birth to another child who wasn't as stupid as me.

But it will all end tomorrow.

I tucked my head inbetween my thighs.

' A daughter as dumb as you can't be mine.'

'Go, it's not like anyone would miss you.'

'You're so foolish for your age.'

' Why didn't you say anything! Why did you watch him take her! '

'You would live every bit of your life paying for their deaths'

" Please stop ." I placed my hands over my ears just to erase those thoughts, but nothing worked. "M-mum I'm scared , please make it stop ."

Four legs appeared at my front and I knew they were policemen but I was too afraid to look up. They were going to lock me up in their cell.

'You are under arrest for the death of your mother and sister, you have the right to remain silent and anything you say will be used against you in the court of law.'

'The court finds you Emma Roberts guilty of charge, you are sentenced to death.'

I smiled. Finally I'll get to leave this world.

I'll prove to you, death that I'm not afraid anymore. Y ou just made me a step closer to mum.

I will miss you fear, anxiety, guilt, shame most especially you, pain. You were a shoulder I could lean on, my keeper and guide, you showed me what it was to have a real friend. Thank you.

But please try to be nice, even though you embraced me as family, I still wish I never knew you cause you made me remember things I wanted to forget. Keep making the world a better place .

I won't ever forget you,

My loyal friends.

Good-bye.

And that was how they led me away and everything turned black.

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Was this part confusing
and h ow have you all been?

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I'm super sorry for the delay in this update, editing this chapter was a struggle for me cause I had to suffer from a lack of motivation, to writer's block and was at the edge of giving up on it but God came through for me . And I'm most grateful to have readers like you; thank you all for your patience and kind words, it meant so much❣

And also I was already getting tired at the middle part but because I wanted to publish it I had to write it with lesser descriptions. But I'll still go back to edit it.

And there is a big announcement coming up so watch out for it. Feel free to drop questions or suggestions, can't wait to hear from you. 

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Much love,

Mary.