CHAPTER TWENTY
butterfly's repose — part two
" 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖇𝖔𝖑𝖙𝖊𝖗. "

     "𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐓𝐎𝐎 𝐌𝐔𝐂𝐇?" Selene asked Lily as the pair of them looked into the mirror together.

     "Definitely not," Lily said. "You look hot."

     Selene turned into a werewolf once a month ─ these were words she quite frankly never thought she'd hear coming out of someone else's mouth in reference to her appearance. 

     As Lily carried on straightening her ginger locks, her purple boots the only piece left to put on to finish her outfit, Selene debated if she was truly ready not only to put on a werewolf hat but to brave a party as big as this one too.

      She wore a long mesh shirt, her dark hair cascading in loose curls down her back. Her skirt was short and grey, her tights ripped and holed. Selene held the mask in her hands and considered leaving it behind for a moment. She wouldn't have to wear it all night. And it was just a hat, right? Sure the teeth were gnarly, the fur just like hers. But it didn't represent her, because this was a choice.

     One she made bravely as she walked down the spiral stairs from Lily's dorm room and into the already crowded Gryffindor common room. The party was booming, the costumes varied and colourful. The lights were dim, the music loud, the drinks flowing.

     The initial nerves that Selene got from entering such a new environment soon dissipated however when James Potter sauntered over to the two girls. Dressed as Fred Jones. In other words, Lily's character's boyfriend.

     Selene enjoyed being an outside party to the interaction ─ seeing James' knowing smirk and the realisation slowly forming on Lily's face, morphing her once excited look into one of utter disdain.

     James said hello to Selene first, surprisingly. What was even more shocking was that he hugged her upon greeting ─ a tight, very James-like squeeze that she didn't quite know how to return but she did her best.

     It became clear very quickly why James had acknowledged Selene first. Why he deliberately ignored Lily as if she wasn't there. He was pretending as if their uncoordinated couple's costume wasn't coordinated by James himself.

     "Well, good evening, Daphne," James joked. "You look lovely."

     Selene watched as Lily bit down on her smile. As much as being associated with James appeared unappealing at first, it was clear Lily didn't really mind at all. Her smile was peeking through her cold front and she was punching James in the shoulder playfully a second later.

     Lily offered to get Selene a drink, James following in tow, and that did leave Selene alone. But only for a moment. Remus had spotted her the second she began descending the steps into the Halloween chaos.

     "Good evening," Remus said to her chirpily, suddenly finding this party a lot more enjoyable than it had previously been.

     "Hello," Selene grinned, suddenly a little less anxious about being in such an overstimulating environment. She followed him through the crowd and to the opposite side of the room where there was a slither of space and a chance at a moment of peace.

     "Hating your first party yet?" Remus asked with a smirk.

     "It feels wrong to judge this early on," Selene replied before the two of them descended into laughter.

     "I hated them too at first," Remus told her. "Sirius and James could never get enough of parties. Still can't. But you learn to enjoy some elements of them."

     "I'll look out for them," Selene joked before noticing how Remus didn't look any different than he usually did. "Didn't feel like dressing up?"

     "Did you really think so lowly of me, Selene?" Remus teased.

     "Well now I'm offended," she told him. "I was told it was considered dress code to come in costume."

     "So what is your costume then?" He asked.

     Selene chuckled to herself as she retrieved the werewolf hat from behind her back. "It's silly," she said, before lifting it and placing it on her head. "I haven't dressed up for Halloween in years. Lily said you're supposed to go as something scary or a character of some kind. I don't think I'm educated enough on Muggle pop culture to . . . "

     But Remus was beginning to fade from the conversation and maybe the party entirely. As soon as he had seen the glaring eyes and menacing teeth, nothing else seemed to make sense. Did she think werewolves were scary? Was it standard for werewolves to be considered a costume option? Is that what his condition had been reduced to this time of year for some poxy American holiday?

     "A werewolf . . ." he muttered.

     Selene initially took his low voice and even lower gaze as a sign that her costume was distressing but, after a moment of consideration, the only person that should be upset about a werewolf costume was her.

     So Selene continued talking and smiling and maybe Remus was still smiling too but he certainly didn't have the capacity to respond. If Selene thought werewolves were scary, she could never imagine what being around Remus was truly like.

     And just like that, the party returned to the crowded, anxiety-inducing environment it once was.

     "Remus, are you okay?"

     His name finally snapped him out of his dangerous thoughts. Selene stared up at him, her brows furrowed in a mix of concern and confusion as she slowly pulled the hat from off of her head but the damage was already done.

     "Sorry, I've got to go," Remus excused himself, as Selene's puzzlement deepened. He discarded his drink on a table nearby, his head in a daze, his eyes blurry. And then he left, another face in the crowd, unattainable, an enigma. As if the first couple months of school had never happened and as if Selene Vervain and Remus Lupin had never become friends in the first place.

✽

     𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐁𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐅𝐔𝐍. That's what she set out to do. But it became very clear that that was impossible about an hour in when Lily was tipsy and nowhere to be found. Selene felt as though she could no longer enjoy the party. As it was something so far out of her comfort zone, it required completely letting loose in order for her to block out the things that made her anxious. But she couldn't do that with the voice in the back of her mind telling her that she had upset Remus.

     It was supposed to be a night of normalcy, being a teenage girl. But Selene didn't want that to mean she lost a part of herself just to fit in. She needed to make sure Remus was alright, that it wasn't completely her fault that he had fled from the party. That was normal for Selene ─ looking out for others.

     She thought she'd hunt down Sirius Black first. If anyone knew where Remus was, it would be Sirius.

     Lucky for Selene, Sirius Black had a habit of making himself the centre of attention.

     "Have you seen Remus?" She yelled over the music.

     Sirius tipped his head downwards so that her mouth met his ears and shouted a "HUH?" in response.

     Selene made sure Sirius was looking right at her when she said, "Remus? Have. You. Seen. Him." If he couldn't hear her, maybe he could lip-read.

     Sirius took a step down off the table he was previously dancing on and joined her back in reality. "Oh," he yelled in her ears. "I think he said he went up to the Astronomy Tower."

     Selene thanked Sirius for the information but before she could go and find Remus, Sirius pulled her back, "You're not going to look for him, are you?"

     Selene couldn't help the furrow that formed between her brows. That is why she asked, Sirius, yes. "Yes?"

     Sirius' eyes turned grave. "Remus is a sensitive lad," Sirius told her. "Maybe it's best you give him his space."

     Selene didn't know what this meant but it made her feel sick to her stomach. She nodded absently and slipped out of the common room. Not necessarily to go and find Remus ─ she had yet to decide what to do about that ─ but to escape the narrowing crowds of people and mingling of bodies. The loud noises and the sticky smell. She had concluded that parties were not for her. But that wasn't the most important matter at hand.

     Had she really upset Remus that much that he had escaped to the most secluded area of the whole school? And what had he said to Sirius that had caused Sirius to warn her away? Was she going to make it worse by going up there to see him?

     But with all these questions in mind, her head almost too frazzled to function, Selene couldn't let go of the idea that she had to make sure he was okay, even if his best friend had warned her to leave him alone. She had to make things right.

     It was cold and she had abandoned the rest of her costume until she was just in a skirt and a flimsy black jumper. Her scares were visible from where the deliberate holes and shag of the sweatshirt cut deep and hung low. As she climbed the tower, heart thumping, skin crawling with bumps, she held her breath, which wasn't very good for her stamina but she persevered because she felt like she had to do this in order to be able to sleep that night.

     The air was chillier at the top of the Astronomy tower. The sky was a vast black canvas, stretching over the rolling hills of the Scottish highlands, dotted with stars. The moon lurked behind a cloud, eery and still, taunting her as she located the boy she had hurt.

     When their eyes locked, Selene was overcome with immense relief that Remus didn't appear disappointed to see her. He didn't seem upset (or at least, no more upset than before), nor did he cower away from her, instead, he blinked a couple of times and bit his lip.

     "Hi," she managed through a dry throat.

     "Hello," he said back, turning to look into his lap where he had been staring when she arrived.

     Selene took a few cautious steps forward. Now that he was barely acknowledging her presence, she wasn't as confident anymore that he wanted her there. Keeping her distance, Selene gathered the confidence to explain why she was there. Then at least they could clear the air and she could leave him be, as he wanted, with the matter resolved.

     "I'm really sorry, Remus," she said. "I didn't mean to upset you. It was just supposed to be a silly joke, I really didn't choose it to be insensitive but it's completely understandable if you hate me─"

     "Hate you?" Remus repeated, confusion creating a crease between his brows. He kept his gaze on where his fingers were laid in his lap and where he was picking at the skin around his nails. "Selene, you've been the most exciting part of my life recently ─ how could I hate you?"

     Was this what being a normal teenage girl entailed? Weird feelings in the pit of your stomach that you can't differentiate from nerves or alcohol?

     Selene didn't know what to say. After a moment, she took up the spot beside him and just locked her eyes onto his as if hoping he would be able to make sense of the strange feelings swimming about behind her irises because she couldn't do that for herself.

     Eventually, she managed a feeble, "Because of the costume."

     Remus bowed his head. She watched his throat bob as he swallowed. His lips tutted together as he took a large breath in before he finally spoke. "Someone . . . close to me was hurt by a werewolf." He spoke so quietly it was almost a whisper. Selene told herself that was why she edged in closer, and not because she had found someone who might understand what the effects of Lycanthropy might do to a person.

     "I just get a little upset about it sometimes, that's all," he finished, turning to look at her with a weak smile. She appreciated the attempt at the smile, at least because it meant he was trying not to make her feel bad as best he could.

     "I'm sorry you had to go through that." Part of Selene wanted to reach out and grab his hand and tell him it would all be okay because she knew exactly how he was feeling. But she couldn't do that. Not only because she couldn't tell anyone about her condition, but because it wouldn't be fair on Remus to burden him with such knowledge.

     "It's okay." The shrug that came next told her it was, in fact, not okay in the slightest. "Not your fault."

     Selene's father had given her some great advice when he had to break the news to little her that her life had changed forever when she was bitten by a werewolf. And she decided to give it to Remus because she could tell, just like eight-year-old Selene, he needed it.

     "It's okay to not be okay, Remus," she said softly.

     He finally lifted his eyes to hers and they were heavy with tiredness or the likelihood of tears, Selene couldn't tell.

     "You can't go through life pretending that everything is okay when it isn't. Bottling up your emotions doesn't help you and it doesn't help the people around you."

     Selene was practically a professional at putting on a facade of being okay. People walked past her right before a transformation and were none the wiser. She had trained herself to make it so that nobody would ever be weighed down by her issues. She should take her own advice.

     Remus' lips slowly tipped into a smile. It was somewhat solemn, but his eyes had returned to their usual friendly selves, and he seemed at least a tad better (which Selene considered a job well done). "When did you get so wise?" He teased, even while his throat was quiet and croaky.

     Selene was too busy being relieved that he was brightening up despite the heavy topic that she didn't realise she wasn't saying anything in response.

     It gave Remus the gap to then add: "I'm kidding." She was even more elated when he managed a chuckle. "You're the smartest person I know." His eyes bore into hers as if she had just given him the moon. And oh how she would love to be able to do that. 

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happy tortured poets release (follow-up: i started writing this when it was released)! yes, the title of this chapter was on impulse because the song came on as i was writing:)