twenty-nine - flashbacks

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as i wait beneath the stage for the ceremony to begin, i find myself more nervous than i had been before the games. my palms grow damp with sweat and i have to resist the urge to wipe them on my dress. more than once, i get a compliment from some crew member about my hair, lipstick, or dress. i feel sick to my stomach at their words.

the roar of the crowd is deafening even from where i am. though it hasn't even started yet, everyone is riled up and shouting for caesar to "come on out already." i have to squint to see with how dark and gloomy it is.

the only thing that's keeping me from going absolutely insane is the makeshift wall that's just feet away from me. matthias is standing behind it. he's here. i still can't wrap my head around the fact that we both made it out, and i'm going to see him again in just minutes.

i imagine myself as katniss everdeen, and picture peeta being matthias. how did they feel at this moment in their lives? to be the first-ever dual victors? what did haymitch warn them about? i know that the capitol must still not fully forgive them for the embarrassment that was inflicted on them, and that president snow won't be so jolly about us now, either. we made the capital the laughing stock of the year a second time. how will that end up for us?

i shake my head to rid it of these nauseating thoughts. i am not katniss. matthias is not peeta mellark. we are completely different people, and we each got out of the arena for different reasons. even so, there is no doubt that we will be compared, especially with them accompanying us on stage. i just hope i won't be sick on live television.

the anthem cleaves through my thoughts and i jump with fright. the roaring of the crowd intensifies while caesar greets them, laughing his usual cackle and warming them up for us. the prep teams are introduced first. my blood feels cold in my veins. then effie is presented, and i can almost picture the gleaming smile on her thin lips as she blushes from the applause. portia and cinna receive cheers so loud i almost have to cover my ears. then there's haymitch, and i can hear stomping as well. katniss and peeta bring about a roar that definitely makes me block my ears. as i'm doing so, it takes me a moment to realize my metal plate is being lifted up.

a vivid flashback invades my mind and replaces me back in that suffocating tube, and for a second i think i'm going to emerge back in the arena with the rush of waves surrounding me. blinding lights block that out. i blink, and realize that it's not the sun, but heavy stage lights that are so intense that i can feel their heat. but soon that goes to the back of my mind. i don't hear the screams of the crowd that shake the stage beneath my feet. all i care about in that exact moment is matthias.

the hospital cleaned him up nicely. his face is devoid of those dozens of cuts that had decorated it, skin smooth and silky against the lights. the chocolate-colored hair on his head is perfectly fluffed upright, which is a new look that suits him well. he wears a dark burgundy button-down and black pants with the infamous bowtie around his collar. his most prominent feature are his eyes. there's something different about them, but i don't have time to think about what it could possibly be because he's engulfing me in a hug before i can process it.

it feels like someone burst the bubble between dream and reality as his arms tighten around me. the stars must have spent the entirety of the games arranging themselves in the sky until they were perfectly aligned for this very moment. it was like every twist of fate had somehow been a right turn, even with all of the heartbreak our eyes have seen, and i have always been meant to end up in his arms.

it takes me a second to realize what's happening. after a moment of shock that he's actually here with me, i return the embrace with just as much enthusiasm as he has. my arms lock around him as i hold him tightly, my heart swelling with so much feeling that i think it may burst. my cheek presses against his shoulder as we stand and soak in each other's existence.

and then he lets go, only to pull me back in with a kiss. my eyes widen a fraction of a bit because i'm still not used to this, and i don't think i ever will be. i relax soon enough and return the gesture, the cheers fading to background noise as i do so. there is a red smudge of lipstick on his lips when i pull back. i laugh and wipe it off with my wrist.

"get over there, you two," peeta orders with a good-natured chuckle as he spins me around and pushes me slightly toward the plush couch we are supposed to sit on, apparently. but there's something behind the chuckle. his crystal blue eyes hold a certain urgency in them like the dialogue wasn't just for the sake of a joke. even i can sense a hidden message behind katniss' large smile.

and then i realize. they're afraid for us. it was a riot enough with having two victors last year, but the same thing happening twice in a row? i don't think i've realized how much trouble and danger matthias and i are in. what extent will the capitol go to destroy us?

i sit on the couch with as much grace as i can – they've put me in heels, and i'm just now realizing this – while matthias takes his rightful place beside me. caesar barely needs to do any warming up before he sits across from us and turns his attention to a large screen above the audience.

that's when i remember the video. they're going to replay the games, every significant thing that happened to us during our time in the arena. we have to watch our most horrific nightmares replay for three hours on the dot. i'm not sure if i'll be able to handle it. i don't like getting flashbacks of things i don't want to remember.

the first half-hour isn't so bad. we see the chariot ride, training scores, and our interviews. i notice they include matthias' joke about being a hothead for a good laugh. i just barely manage a smile. how different the boy on the screen seems from the one sitting beside me now, his eyes full of life and posture not as rigid. it's like i'm looking at a completely different person.

then it all goes downhill from there, and i find myself reaching for his hand. i see asher save me during the bloodbath and how matthias was almost killed by emrys. they show glimpses of asher and i stealing from the careers, of matthias running endlessly for what seems like forever until he finally crashes into me. they spend more time on this segment, before skipping right over to us finding carly with our backpack.

all the little things that annoyed me so much are the things i miss the most now that asher and carly are gone.

the most difficult parts start arriving like knives being stabbed into my heart. we see grover from district six cutting down the tracker-jacker nest that begins asher's imminent downfall. i jump as his agonizing, fearful screams repeat in my ears and wonder how i could possibly have been oblivious to them in the arena. now i know that i will never forget them.

the part with asher's goofiness is skipped right over– i guess the mood would be ruined enough because everyone already knows what's going to happen. we are shown some highlights between asher and carly that i hadn't noticed before. asher's story of the halloway family fire brings almost the whole crowd to tears, and i feel the knives being twisted further into my abdomen.

they don't rush at all during asher's death scene. the angle at which we see titus fling the knife at him is even more gruesome than what i saw, and the sickening thunk can even be heard. sobs close my throat up and tears threaten to spill. it takes every bit of my will not to break and storm off the stage.

i close my eyes as carly's defeated scream of "no!" echoes for dramatic effect. it cuts to little chunks of matthias and i that night, how he made a crown of flowers and put it on my head. in that viewpoint, i look immensely pure and almost content. that all comes to a halt when emrys strangles me and it comes to the part where they're burying me alive.

matthias completely stiffens from beside me, and his fingers lock so tightly onto mine that it almost hurts. his knuckles are white as he watches the mound of dirt shuffle and shift until i finally burst into the open and nina pulls me out. i'm not shown much afterward. instead, we're presented with matthias and carly's desperate search to find me. i see her heroic determination shine through, her refusal to give up on finding me until matthias spots my comrade and i. then it shows nina's sacrifice and mine and matthias' reunion.

it cuts to me figuring out what happened to carly, and the room is set with an awfully nostalgic mood. the dense air hangs around each of us like poison, threatening to choke us if we breathe. it becomes even heavier upon the discovery of clone-carly. milo isn't shown at all. bliss is a whole nother story, to which one lady even shrieks. i don't blame her. just the mere sight of her sharpened axe brings back horrible memories.

emmanuelle is barely shown. she only really comes into play when it shows matthias reviewing our list aloud before we set off the next morning.

they aren't wasting any time whatsoever at this point. i feel a cold rush in my veins when asher's clone arrives. the same lady shrieks as he tackles me and pushes the blade fiercely toward my neck, even though she's already seen it and knows that i survive in the end. emrys' plan is briefly summarized and that's when the excitement really begins.

i refuse to watch the final battle. i can't bring myself to open my eyes no matter what tragic sounds i hear. the spine-chilling shink of the knife plunging into my stomach causes me to flinch. this time, i'm the one clutching onto matthias' hand as his anguished scream of my name rings in my ears. my eyes are still glued shut all the while i fake my death and then resurrect. the anthem plays and i am finally able to open my eyes once again.

we rise as president snow takes the stage and a small girl carries the cushion that holds two crowns. he places it on matthias' head with a smile that the latter responds to immediately. something darkens in the president's eyes when he looks right into matthias'. i'm grinning for real now, knowing that matthias is glaring at him behind the facade of innocence.

when the second crown is placed on my head as well, i look right into snow's snakelike irises. i'm not afraid of him. what i'm really afraid of is what he can do.

i wave until my arm is numb. caesar bids the audience goodnight after an eternity and a half, reminding them about the interviews tomorrow. as if they'd forget.

matthias and i are immediately carted off to a victory banquet at the president's manor, where we are given a five-course meal that we barely get to touch. everyone shoves and pushes for the chance to get a picture with us, and somewhere along the line, i lose matthias in the crowd.

i try to locate katniss almost instantly. she seems to be making her way to me anyways, wedging her way past flamboyantly dressed capitol residents and staff. when she finally reaches me, her free hand that's not holding onto a glass of champagne latches onto my elbow.

"we're getting you out of here," she mumbles lowly in my ear, but with a smile on her face so it seems like she's simply sharing a harmless secret with me. "giggle. do it now." i do, and the sound is so atrocious that i have to resist the urge to cringe. i hate giggling. "peeta's finding matthias. haymitch is convincing everyone that you're still recovering and are in need of rest."

i'm not sure who in the world will buy that excuse, but i'm not about to push it. i've been wanting to leave since i arrived. "why?"

katniss laughs like i just told the most hilarious joke in the world, and i'm confused until i remember that we're trying not to look suspicious. she tugs me a little more urgently toward the exit. "too dangerous. we don't know what'll happen– hello, president snow."

my breath catches in my throat. i swear my heart has stopped. at first i think i'm dreaming, but no. the president stands right before us with the same deceiving smile he had on before. i can smell the intoxicating scent of the white rose clipped to his blue, pinstripe suit.

"hello, miss everdeen," he greets as politely as he can, giving a nod of acknowledgment to katniss. he turns to me and my blood feels cold. "and to you, miss forkshire. what an outstanding performance in the games. we've never seen anything quite like that before."

he's lying. i have no clue what part of the games he's even referring to, but the edge in his voice as he says "performance" is enough to wrench my gut. i smile benignly at him anyways. "thank you, president snow."

he presses his lips together. "i heard you're leaving already." his head tilts to the side. "why so soon?"

"i'm so sorry, mister president, but thalia is still experiencing severe abdominal pain from...you know..." katniss makes a not-so-subtle jerk of her head toward my stomach, which she over-dramatizes on purpose.

"oh, is that so?" president snow questions with a fake tone of sympathy. "well, i hope you feel better soon, miss forkshire. we wouldn't want any...trouble with our victors."

another chill goes down my spine. "thank you."

katniss pulls me away and i release a huge breath of relief. if one thing's for sure, it's that none of us are safe in the president's home.

after all, i know that snakes have to lure in their prey before they end them for good.

gif is thalia at the ceremony

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not sure about the ending but what is this?? an update?? after almost a month?? god bless.

WHO LOVED THAT MATTHALIA KISS BC LETS BE REAL I SCREAMED WHILE WRITING IT

this chapter was extremely painful to write as i miss carly, asher, and emmanuelle so very much. my babies :'(

i'll try my hardest to get another update in asap to make up for the wait. ily guys!!

xoxo,
kristyn