twenty-seven - resolution

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everyone has experienced the feeling of being trapped. whether you're physically confined somewhere, mentally cut off from everything and everyone, or not comfortable in your own skin, we've all felt it. and that particular moment for me is slowly creeping in. i feel caged.

every heavy step toward the beach is a trek closer to our deaths. a skull could be staring me in the face for all i know. every time my foot lands on the ground, i feel the air around me grow denser. the trees seem to squish like someone is pinching them. our destination feels light-years away, and it's only stretching on farther and farther as if it's a never-ending run.

i'm more exhausted than i've ever been in my life. dark circles of fatigue take up almost my entire face until the skin appears to sag off my skull. i've never felt so physically and mentally awful, not even when asher died and i couldn't bring myself to sleep for days. this is a different kind of exhaustion– one that is slowly consuming me until i can no longer bear it. i'm quickly nearing my breaking point.

even through my stuffy head, blocked nose, and stiff body, my mind is still clear on our mission: take down astrid.

matthias doesn't seem to be feeling much better than i do. his steps are wobbly and he occasionally stumbles, holding onto his head. a swelling, bruised lump is starting to appear from how hard he had been hit. i have a never-ceasing fear that he may have a concussion, and won't be able to defend himself too well.

it feels like we're moving in slow motion. time has stopped. we're trudging through an empty void of black plants and little to no moonlight, for the heavenly body is obscured behind a dark, threatening cloud. the weather has set the mood for the night– the last night of the seventy-fifth hunger games.

finally, after two eternities, we reach the sandy shore of the beach. i stop at the edge of the forest and observe. the waves crash and tumble onto the grains, snarling and rolling like a wet dog. choppy waters nearly make it impossible to see the strips of rock connecting to the cornucopia. how are we going to survive the swim there?

"we have to stay here," i shout over the roar of the wind and waters. the sharp breeze whips into my eyes, making them bone dry. i have to blink furiously in order to see.

"what?" matthias asks loudly, then shakes his head. "thalia, we can't. astrid can't swim anyways. we'd be safe up there–"

"no," i protest fiercely. my eyes lock on his. "there is little to no chance of us surviving those waves. i'd rather die fighting than from sinking to the bottom. i want to at least have a chance."

matthias holds my gaze for a second, then nods. the wind increases, blowing his hair around in a tangled mess of strands. he squints up at the treetops, their leaves waving around in time with the breeze. "we could climb up there and wait 'till she comes."

i nod, rushing to the trunk and gripping onto it as best as i can. the bark is rough on my hands as i struggle to climb. the howling of the wind causes me to occasionally pause, shielding my eyes from the sharpness of it. my hair blows into my face, my mouth, my nose. i can barely see as i hoist myself up higher and higher.

"go!" matthias shouts from somewhere below. "i'm right behind you."

eventually, i make it to a decent branch and grab onto it, pulling myself aside until i'm sitting. my breaths come out in ragged pants as i strive to see matthias. the leaves and entwined branches from the tree obscure him from my view. my heart starts to pound even harder.

"matthias?" i call, leaning down as much as i can in an attempt to see more clearly. it's no use– i still can't see for the life of me.

"i'm coming!" he replies faintly. the wind carries his voice away, making him sound a lot farther away than he actually – hopefully – is. "it's just – my head."

after a few seconds, his face pops up from around the shaking leaves. i sigh in relief, reaching down and holding out a hand for him. matthias checks his footing before clasping his hand onto mine. i help pull him up onto the branch beside me. he swings a leg around so he's facing me, face screwed up in pain.

"are you okay?" i ask breathlessly. my hands almost immediately find their way to the swelling bump on his head. trembling fingers brush over the bruised area lightly as to not hurt him.

"i'm fine," matthias asserts, clenching his jaw and gritting his teeth. i continue to tilt his head to the side, trying to examine the lump from a good angle. he takes my hands in his own and brings them down. his thumb gently rubs against my skin in a comforting manner. "i'm okay."

matthias is always a realist, except when it comes to his own health. i know this because he is certainly not fine, due to the fact that i can see the bump pulsing and notice his eyes sometimes go out of focus. however, i refuse to let him stand off on the sidelines. i know the last thing he wants is to watch while i battle for both of our lives. he'd never forgive himself.

a cannon goes off, sharply slicing through the oncoming storm like a knife. my fingers clench around matthias' from how startled i am. we share a glance. was that astrid or emrys?

unfortunately, there's no way to tell. i've seen enough games to know that tonight is the only night that the fallen tributes' faces won't be shown. now it's up to us to guess who we'll be faced with.

i keep telling myself to be strong. be brave. be everything you've built yourself up to be. but in reality, i'm freaking out, and now my hands are shaking but not from the cold and i can feel the familiarity of my heart beating into overdrive. my soul seems to awaken from the slumber it's been in for the past few days. i feel more alive than before. my brain registers every pump of my heart, every shaking breath my lungs exhale. i can feel every touch like my nerves have heightened their sensitivity.

one will come out alive tonight.

a shrill voice breaks me from my panic. it rises above the wind and waves, somehow sounding near and far all at once.

"no one to save you now, district twelve! come out, come out, wherever you are!"

astrid. the tone she uses is high and haunting, sending chills down my spine. there is something almost demonic about it. it's the kind of voice that causes children nightmares.

the human she once was has been replaced with someone so barely anthropoid that it's almost scarring. this is what the hunger games do to people– shred every bit of their humanity away until they are shells of who they used to be.

"too scared to come and play?" a shrill cackle causes my body to go rigid. "i should've figured as much. but don't worry, i'll find you soon enough. i love hide and seek."

even though i know the wind is too loud for her to hear, i pretty much cease to breathe. my legs tuck in as much as they can so i'm curled into myself on the branch. the leaves provide enough coverage to conceal us; astrid probably won't be able to find us unless she was looking just the right way and at the exact angle.

i suck in a breath as she comes into view through the leaves. her long, white-blonde hair is down, streaking around as the heavy breeze blows through it. i feel sick upon noticing a dark red substance dying some of the strands– blood. the crashing waves in front of her and the storm surrounding us create the perfect backdrop for someone so wicked.

"we have to make up a plan," i whisper just loud enough for matthias to catch. my eyes still haven't left astrid, fearing that if i look away for even a second, she'll disappear.

"i don't think we have enough time," matthias replies quietly. i haven't realized, but his hands are still clasping onto mine like i'm the only thing connecting him to life. "this is it, thalia. we have to face her."

"i don't want to," i gasp, shaking my head as tears start to gather in my eyes and sting them. "i don't want to. i didn't want any of this to happen. i just wanted to live with my family, with roy–" my voice cracks and fades to nothing like a record that has been cut off abruptly.

"i know," matthias comforts. his grip starts to loosen on my hand, and i begin to realize that i really can't depend on him for everything. "but we have to, okay? you'll fight for your life, and i'll fight for mine. we don't have time to think about each other when we're down there. got it?"

i nod and force the salty tears back. i can't face astrid on the verge of crying. instead, i turn my sadness into anger, focusing on how infuriated i am at president snow that this sick game exists, for how many people have died for this, for all the precious years of life stripped away all for entertainment. my face hardens into a mask of fury and steel. i release matthias' hand and let my fingers drift to the knives in my belt.

"got it." a scowl works its way onto my lips. "let's go."

"hold–"

before matthias can finish, i have already started to climb off the branch. he tries to stop me before i fall. but i don't. instead i grip onto the branch and let myself drop, falling through the air until i reach out and grab the next branch. the rough bark scratches up my hand and creates a stinging pain up my arms, but i ignore it and focus on getting to the ground.

one more drop. i grit my teeth and let go, wincing as my feet slam down onto the sand. grains explode around me from the hard contact. the softness of the landing christens my fall a little bit, thankfully, or else i probably would've injured myself badly.

astrid hasn't noticed my descent from the tree. her head moves around slowly, robotically, to view either side of her. i can't help but notice that she makes sure to stay far away from the waves lapping at the shore.

a faint rustling from above informs me that matthias is working his way down as well. i just hope that he doesn't choose the same route i had– it was something i had mastered in the woods with roy and isn't as easy as it looks. but somehow i can sense that he's carefully climbing down and breathe a huge breath of relief.

i don't know what to do. astrid is moving farther and farther away from us with every long stride. she seems to be taking her time, slowly swiveling her neck from side to side. i make sure to note that she doesn't once look behind her, but for all i know, it could be an act and we're already goners.

matthias stands beside me, sword out and pointed toward astrid. he raises his eyebrows. "seems pretty dramatic."

i shrug at the cold, which is a stark contrast to how stifling hot it used to be. "yeah, but it's working. i'm thoroughly disturbed."

but really, it's kind of beautiful, the way she moves. every movement flows into the next like it's a dance. there isn't a single pause, a single jerk in her limbs. it would be picturesque if she didn't have a bloody knife clenched in her hand, trailing dark red blotches after her.

"c'mon," matthias urges, starting forward. "now's our chance."

i don't have the words to protest. they are caught in my throat, unable to come out even if i wanted them to. perhaps it's a good thing- now i can't blow our cover by speaking.

on careful but quick feet, matthias and i start to creep after astrid. we stick close to the dark edges of the forest in case we need to bolt. minutes pass and we get closer and closer until it seems almost too easy. either she is an extremely convincing actress, or she's just that oblivious.

the final battle happens so quickly that i almost don't believe it.

sure enough, astrid has known of our whereabouts the entire time. just as we reach throwing distance, she springs up in the air, twists at a full hundred and eighty degrees, and flings an elongated knife at matthias' throat. he immediately ducks and darts at her, preparing to get close enough to hurt her. she knocks him away with her foot like he's weightless. it seems that she doesn't need clone strength to kick our asses. she's been training for this her entire life.

as matthias turns his fall into a roll toward the ocean, i seize the opportunity and kick her knife into a bush. astrid's teeth bar into a clenched sneer and she beckons me forward in an almost challenging way.

but i'm too smart to fall for that. she's bloodthirsty. she'll tear me apart easily. she wants my blood shed on the sand, and all i have to do is make sure she doesn't get the chance to.

once she notices i'm not going to approach her first, astrid bounds forward. she already has a new, gleaming knife in her hand. i feel my stomach tighten into knots as she stabs forward. i think back to my battle with asher. what had he done?

it's almost a blind move. i take a chance and kick my foot out as hard as i can. astrid grunts as it comes in contact with her wrist and bends it back at an awkward angle. the second knife falls from her hand and into the beige grains beneath us.

"you'll pay for that!" she shrieks, bending down and picking up the blade faster than i can blink. i feel my heart drop when she juts her arm about again at an attempt to stab me. our knives meet together in the middle. a terrible clang of metal on metal reverberates in my eardrums. my muscles scream as they work in overdrive to push astrid's blade away from me.

since i'm so focused on her knife, astrid is able to easily push me to the ground. i let out a yell of surprise when i topple over into the sand. she stands above me with a sadistic expression on her pale face, arm raised to kill me. feigning helplessness, i pretend to scramble back away from her. what she doesn't know is that i'm actually backing toward the ocean. matthias' idea was smart.

just as she's about to bring down the knife, i quickly swipe my leg under her feet. a startled yell falls from her lips as she lands hard on her back. quickly, i scramble to a standing position and jump over her, nudging her toward the roaring waters.

just as i've completed the second roll, astrid reaches out and cuts my calf. i cry out as a stinging pain envelopes my leg. while i'm momentarily distracted, astrid pushes herself to her feet.

she's immediately knocked over by matthias, who literally tackles her to the ground. her head slams into the sand, which should be enough to seriously injure her, but she's ruthless. her elbow jams into matthias and she creates a long scrape down his previously-injured wrist. he takes in a deep breath and uses all his force to pin her underneath him, repeatedly hitting her in any place he can reach. i'm not sure where his sword went, but it's not in his sheath. 

"get off of me!" astrid commands, enraged. her foot connects with his abdomen and she's able to successfully push him to the side again. we're nearing the tide. she doesn't seem to notice.

astrid looks even worse now after her deal with matthias. one of her grey eyes is swollen shut and her lip is bleeding, painting her entire mouth a sickly crimson when she opens it. a large plethora of cuts decorates her face. she seems almost proud of how battered she looks.

"i am supposed to come out on top!" astrid shouts over the howling wind and crashing waves. "i am supposed to bring back glory to my district!"

"the only thing you'll be bringing back is disappointment," i seethe, hand clenching onto the knife in my hand. "you're kind of a bitch, you know that?"

a terrifying smile forms on her bloody lips. there is a disgusting gleam in her eyes that makes me question whether there's anything human left in her at all. "i relish in it."

and it happens. the millisecond before i'm about to attack again, she lunges forward and sinks her knife deep into my stomach. my expression of anger transforms into one of complete astonishment at the raging fire of pain it brings about. i feel my eyes go as wide as they can as my hands fly to the wound she has created. i feel like the unbearable two seconds that the blade rests inside of me last forever.

the knife slices through my organs before it is yanked out. astrid watches, satisfied, as my hands desperately attempt to cover the bleeding puncture to no avail. i don't look at her. i don't give her the satisfaction of seeing the agony in my eyes as i watch my own blood create rivers of red on my shaking hands. 

"thalia!" matthias screams so loudly that i'm sure panem can hear him, and not because of the cameras watching our every move. i can't see him, but his voice is close and full of grief. my heart splinters at the amount of desperation in his tone. it sounds as if someone has pulled at his heartstrings and yanked them until they snapped. 

and i fall. my knees buckle beneath me, i collapse into the sand, and stay there. i feel like all of my internal organs are being shredded apart by some terrible force. i can barely breathe due to the flaming agony that spreads from my gut to the rest of my body. my eyes stay locked on the crimson, sticky liquid pouring from my stomach and staining the grains below me. my fingers are completely covered in the substance within seconds.

within those seconds, matthias comes into view. he darts out of nowhere and sends the point of his sword right through astrid's heart. the life disappears from her eyes instantly before her delicate body goes limp. with an enraged yell, matthias pulls his sword out and shoves her body toward the ocean, where it's dragged into the depths and carried away.

i realize that was the only person he ever killed in the games. for me.

"m-matthias." his name falls from my trembling lips in a barely comprehensible mutter. he turns toward me with a crestfallen expression full of despondency. the sword falls from his fingers and clatters into the sand in almost slow motion.

"thalia." matthias rushes down, scooping me up in his arms and propping my head up on his chest. he kneels in the red sand with me, one hand pressing against mine onto the wound in my stomach. his eyes trail up and down me, widened and filled with disbelief as if this is some horrible nightmare he's trying to force himself out of. "thalia, i'm so sorry. if i had just–"

"it's okay," i assure him quickly. it's extremely hard to speak. i can feel the cold hands of death starting to drag me away, not allowing me to savor my last moments with the boy i love. "it's okay. just remember that. it's okay. t-tell my brother - tell roy" - a strangled gasp cuts of my sentence for a few seconds - "tell him...i don't even know. make sure he knows i love him, and my parents, and peeta and katniss-"

"they know," he whispers, his free hand brushing the hair out of my eyes. his own brim with tears that rapidly spill over his eyelids, staining his cheeks with rivers of grief.

"j-just understand" – another shaking, heavy breath interrupts me, but i feel like my lungs can't take in oxygen anymore – "understand one thing."

"what?" matthias is almost pleading, seeming to understand that i'm fading fast and soon i will no longer be able to speak at all. "thalia, what is it?"

now tears are threatening to fall. i feel a lump form in my throat, making it even harder to breathe than it already is. i can sense my organs shutting down, my lungs and heart struggling to function and keep me alive. the coldness is seeping over, taking my legs from me.

i can feel the pain slowly starting to die away. the sure waters of demise are dousing the fires the knife had started. my breaths tremble. i try to breathe out the expiring pain, wanting to remember these moments with peace, not torment.

"i loved you," i choke out the words, refusing to cry. matthias' face twists in agony at my words as he squeezes his eyes shut and releases a quivering breath. "that's all you need to remember. i loved you."

matthias can't speak anymore. he tries to make a sound come out, anything, but his vocal cords fail him and he's forced to simply nod, tears cascading from his eyes. it seems that the blue is draining from his irises. they appear to fade into nothing but a dull, lifeless grey.

he doesn't have to say anything. i know. just in his actions, how he's cradling me in his arms and looking at me. i know.

he loves me.

i don't really know what i feel at that moment of realization. the pain is almost gone and the coldness takes more and more of me away until i'm struggling to see straight. blackness dances in my vision, taunting me. torturing me.

and i think, "why not?" it's worth a shot. maybe i can find a way to get us both out of here.

so i make sure to cough once and increase my breathing, then slowly let it cease. i let my eyes go out of focus. my heart slows its beats and my lungs burn. it takes every ounce of my strength not to let go right then and there.

a few moments later, my cannon goes off.

gif is thalia speaking to astrid

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ha who else is sad? me.

bye.

-kristyn

UPDATE DEC 2019: if you play "dead in the water" by ellie goulding (the last song in the playlist) when thalia is stabbed, it fits perfectly with the rest of the scene and it made me bawl my eyes out while i was editing this. have fun suffering :)