Camping Tip #6: Ex-boyfriends or ex-whatevers are the worst people to bring along to camping trips. It’s the true definition of awkward. Just…just don’t do it.

His lips were cold but they were as soft as I remembered. Jack didn’t move or do anything for the longest time and I started panicking when I started to realise what a terrible mistake I’d just made. I was about to pull away and sputter apologies for being so stupid and weird when I felt Jack slip a hand behind my neck and pull me closer.

He started moving his mouth against mine, and warm liquid poured into my stomach, making me feel fluttery and light. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I vaguely noted that Jack was kissing me back and it was the best thing that happened since we went on this Godforsaken trip. He nudged my mouth open and I titled my head to the side.

My breath hitched in my throat jumped as he deepened the kiss. It was sweet and warm and slow and we hadn’t kissed in so long I had forgotten that Jack Marshall was an amazing kisser.  It was so easy to slip back into our routine and forget where we were. My hands in knotted in his wet hair and his fingers lightly kneading the back of my neck. I wanted to kiss him until my lungs were screaming for air and the world felt too far away too be real.

I never got to do that since Jack let out a soft groan and in a split second, whatever spell had come over me shattered and I pulled back. My eyes were wide open as I scrambled away from him. He stared at me with the same gob smacked expression, his mouth was red and a little swollen from the kiss and it made me want to do kiss him again. I looked up. Callie was staring at her nails and Oliver’s eyebrows were raised high as his gaze skipped between me and Jack. The awkward tension hanging in the air was so thick you couldn’t cut through it.

Breathing hard, I pushed myself up and slicked my soaking hair back and out of my face.

“Uhm,” I mumbled, trying desperately to regain my composure and not look like an idiot. I guessed from the weird way Jack was looking at me, and the way Callie was smirking like she knew a secret, I was failing terribly. “S-sorry,” I said, I wasn’t quite sure I was apologising to let alone why. “Yeah, sorry, uhm…”

The awkward silence returned, everyone kept staring at me and it made me want to jump into the lake and never come back. Thankfully, it didn’t last long because Callie clasped her hands together and beamed at her brother, “Jack, are you okay?”

Jack seemed dazed and lost as he nodded his head. Oliver helped him stand up. His knees buckled and he almost fell over but Oliver had a secure arm around his waist and he’d placed Jack’s arm over his shoulders. 

“We thought you were goner,” Callie said as she followed Oliver, who was guiding Jack to the large stretch of grass at the edge of the woods. When they reached it, Oliver slowly let go of Jack and sat him down. Jack grunted and rolled onto his back so he was staring up at the clear sky.

“I’m fine,” He coughed, “you guys can’t get rid of me that easily.”

I stayed by the rocky shore of the lake, wanting to keep my distance from Jack just for a little while as I calmed myself down. 

“Did I die?” he asked, “cause it kind of felt like I died.”

Oliver shook his head, “no, Peryn pulled you out. You weren’t breathing so she did some CPR shit and bam.”

“Yeah, she did kind of save your life.” Callie said.

I waited with baited breath for his reply.

“Oh,” he said.

Oh? I’d just saved his life and all he could say was oh?

“Thank you,” he said and he said it so quietly I almost missed it. He glanced over at me, his deep brown eyes soft and they were swimming with some raw emotion, I couldn’t quite place. He looked like he was going to say something else but he was interrupted by his sister.

Callie grinned and ruffled his dark hair, “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

He batted her hand away with a frown.

 “We should not have survived that fall,” Jack said and coughed again, “it’s a fucking miracle we didn’t hit any rocks on the way down. I mean, the height of the waterfall times by the speed we were falling should have killed us. The impact would be like hitting a brick wall. ”

“Yeah, well, try not to think about that,” Oliver said as he sat down next to Jack.

He was rambling again, I could see the numbers and equations churning around his head as tried to work out the possibilities of us surviving something like that. A small smile tugged at my lips. It was kind of endearing.

 “I mean the fall effects alone are lethal,” he said, he was talking to himself more than anyone else, “just calculate the presence of debris at the base, and risk of being hit by other objects in the flow, the water at the base of the fall is extremely turbulent, with currents that can suck you under and keep you there for longer than you can go without air, and–”

“Jack,” Callie said, already exasperated with his ramblings. She slumped down onto the grass, seating herself next to him. “Stop, I really don’t want to think about it.”

The three of them were now lying on the grass, soaked and shivering. Oliver rose so he was resting on his elbows, he waved at me, “yo Peryn, come join us. We need to rest.”

I nodded, “yeah, okay.”

My left leg was feeling odd, like I’d pulled a muscle but not quite. My limbs didn’t feel like they belonged to me. I hobbled over to them, and I lay down next to Callie. I needed to keep a safe distance from Jack. The sun was now hanging high in the sky and shining directly down at the four of us.  I sighed and I closed my eyes. I was cold and soaked to the bone so the beating heat was eagerly welcomed. Callie and Oliver continued talking but I wasn’t listening. In the past six hours my body had been pushed to its limit by crazy bears, wolves and an inhumane amount of running.

 The grass beneath me was soft and the sunshine was warm and soon enough I fell asleep.

I don’t know how long passed when I woke up, the sun had dipped lower and Callie and Oliver were nowhere to be seen. I blinked, yawning as I pushed myself up so I was sitting up. I stretched my arms and arched my back, feeling the satisfying crack, I let my arms drop back down. I smiled, noticing that my clothes had all but dried. I touched my hair, it was probably a wild frizzy mess but it had dried too.

“You’re awake.”

My eyes snapped over to the familiar voice, and I felt my pulse rate speed up at the sight of Jack sitting a few metres away. He gave me a nervous smile as he nudged his glasses up onto his nose. I was surprised he hadn’t lost them yet or at least broken them. Then again, Jack was probably the most responsible one in our little group.

“Where are Callie and Oliver?” I asked.

“Callie said she was cold, so I told them to collect some wood and build a fire,” he replied, “they left about fifteen minutes ago.”

“Those two don’t know the first thing about building fires,” I said.

“I know but it should be funny watching them try.”

I laughed at the image of Callie and Oliver fighting over which sticks to rub together and who even get to rub those sticks. I looked up at the sky. If I closed my eyes, I could pretend I was in my back garden, sitting on the patio with a glass of cool orange juice as I soaked up the spring sun. We were quiet for a while, the only sound came from the wind rustling through the leaves and the birds singing in the trees. 

“I miss you,” Jack said, whispered more like, but I caught it and it made me freeze. It came out nowhere but at the same time, I knew it was coming. This whole trip had been stifled with the unsaid words from our break-up and I’d guessed that sooner or later it would all come spewing out. I just really, really hoped it wouldn’t.

I closed my eyes and didn’t say anything back. I could feel his gazw on me. He was waiting for my answer but I gave none. I couldn’t.

“Peryn,” he said.

I opened my eyes but didn’t look at him, I kept my gaze on the grass beneath us. I frowned, “Yeah, I heard you.”

“Well,” he said and I could hear the frustration rising in his voice, “Say something.”

My jaw clenched, refusing to respond. I had nothing to say to him. I felt as if it had all been said the day we broke up, so what did it matter now?

“Peryn,” he said.

I tried to ignore him but he placed his hand on my shoulder and turned me to facw at him. His brown eyes were wide, beseeching but more determined than I had ever seen them. I knew Jack, I’d known since were seven years old and in that timehe hadn’t changed. He was still the same stubborn kid who waited in line for eight hours for the latest Avengers comic. When Jack wanted something, he wouldn’t stop until he got it and right now, he wanted me to talk.

“Peryn, for God’s sake–”  

I grit my teeth, my eyes closing for a split second before they snapped open and I glared at him.

 “What the fuck do you want me to say, Jack?!” I said, my voice rising into a shout. “What? What the fuck do you want from me?”

He looked taken back for a moment, surprise flickering across his features. I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and pushed myself up so I could stand. Goddamn it. I brushed the dirt off my shorts and glanced around the area, hoping I would catch sight of Callie and Oliver. They should have been back with the wood by now, it shouldn’t take this long.

“I want you to talk to me,” he said in a tone you would reserve for a small child, “You’ve barely spoken to me since we broke.” He sighed, “I mean, I, at least, hoped we would stay friends, y’know?”

Friends. Something about that word just made me want to throw something at him. I looked around for a rock, something that would hurt him as badly as he’d hurt me. It would have to be big enough to knock him out.

“Friends?” I stared at him, “you seriously expected us to be friends after you made out with Esther Townsend?”

Esther Townsend was this small, redheaded girl who’d had a crush on Jack since the freshman year. I think they would have already been dating if Jack hadn’t had a crush on me since, well, since forever according to him. He’d told me that about a week after we’d started going out, and I’d laughed and kissed him because I couldn’t believe he’d liked me for so long.

He pressed his mouth into a fine line for a second before he spoke, “I told you, I didn’t make out with her.”

“I fucking saw you!” I shouted, his calm only infuriated me further, “You know what, you’re just the same as all the douchebag guys at our school and I can’t believe I thought you were different!”

His eyes snapped up to look at me then and I knew I’d hit his weak point. He was looking at me and I mean really look at me, not just a quick glance filled with guilt. I saw the infuriating calm that had held him together crumble. He had the same expression he wore when he’d stumbled across a particularly difficult equation and he wasn’t sure how to solve it. It was a look of fascination, frustration and confusion and the fact it was directed at me made my breath catch in my throat.

“I didn’t want to kiss her!” he snapped, “How many times do I have to tell you this! She kissed me! She came over to mine because we were working on a project together for Chemistry and she said something about having crush on some guy for ages but I didn’t know she meant me, so I tried to console her but she leaned forward and kissed me…and that’s when you walked in!”

I’d heard the story a hundred times through voice messages and texts but I just couldn’t get past that moment I’d walked into his bedroom and I’d seen Esther kissing him on his bed. He’d pulled away and when he saw me, his eyes had flew open. He’d called my name but I turned and just left, not wanting to hear any of his pointless excuses.

Jack shook his head and I could see the hurt swimming in his dark eyes, “You really think I would cheat on you? Peryn…Peryn, I’ve had a crush on you since we were six years old,” he said, looking so sad it made my heart ache. “why…why, when I’ve just got the one thing I’ve always wanted, why would I screw it up by kissing Esther Townsend of all people?”

I could feel my own resolve crumbling, “I-I don’t know,” I said, trying to keep my expression as stony as possible, “you’re a boy, boys don’t think.”

He frowned, that steely determination snapped back into him, “You know I wouldn’t! You know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened and you know I would never do anything to hurt you!” he said and I wasn’t sure if I was imagining that quiver in his voice, “but we both know you’d been looking for any excuse to break up with me before Esther kissed me.”

“What?” my eyes widened, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the fact that you were embarrassed to be dating me! I mean…I don’t blame you,” he sighed and glanced away, “have you seen yourself, Peryn? I never got why you liked me, it didn’t make any sense. You’re so…You’re the most beautiful girl at our school…You’re gorgeous and kind and funny and….and I’m just Callie Marshall’s geeky brother.”

I stared at him for the longest time, lost for words with my heart drumming hard in my chest. Jack refused to look at me, he kept his attention on a spot faraway.

“Jack,” I said, managing to find my voice, “I wasn’t embarrassed to date you, God…I…” I paused and took a deep breath. I’d hoped I would never have to admit this.

Something in my voice must have made him finally look back at me, because he said, “what?”

“I wasn’t embarrassed because we were dating,” I began, suddenly wishing the ground would open and swallow me up, “I…Damn it, I was embarrassed because I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.”

He blinked, “Wait…what?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “it’s just…it’s just that you get straight A’s in all your classes and you have the highest GPA in school and all your friends are geniuses like you and…every time, I was with them I just felt so dumb. They kept saying how I was the last person they expected you to date, y’know because they thought you would go someone with a huge I.Q. like Esther Townsend or Reinette Thayer,” I bit my lip, “and…and I’m nowhere near as smart or perfect as them.”

The way he was looking at me then, it made me want to run and run and run until I’d couldn’t run any longer. Jack took a step towards me, slowly like I was a wounded animal he didn’t want to scare away but also like I was the answer to every difficult sum he’d ever faced. “Peryn, I–”

“Guess who caught not one, not two, not even three fish you bitches!” Oliver shouted out of nowhere, “but four fucking fish?! Callie tell them!”

Jack and I whipped around to see Callie and Oliver emerging from the woods. Callie shouted, “Oliver Odysseus Kaminski!”

“Damn straight!” Oliver grinned and Callie grinned back at him, “I caught four fucking fish guys! Four!”

It was then that I saw the fish Oliver was carrying in his hand, he proceeded to hold them up proudly. My eyebrows rose, “Jesus Christ…h-how?”

He shrugged like it was nothing, “Me and Callie were by the river, and I was washing my face when I noticed some movement in the water. It took me a second to realise they were fish and then I remembered this documentary I saw on Fox about noodling, so I just stuck my hands in the water and caught some fish!” 

“And I gathered the wood!” Callie said, gesturing to the bundle of sticks she held under her arm. She laughed and imitated a poor Texan accent, “Yee-haw! We gon’ feast tonight!” 

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a/n: omfg i am so sorry for the long wait and the whole removing the story thing (twice) but i finally got my inspiration for this story back and i want to have this done by the end of the month. which i think i can do. anyway, hope you enjoyed it and got to understand a little bit more about why peryn and jack broke up. it was a mixture of their own insecurities about themselves and the relationship, esther was just a catalyst.  i'll upload the next chapter in like 3/4 days :) 

             - rose xoxo