We had just finished the King's Game and best friend Takanori had left our room to go sleep.

Well, it's a good thing that the definition of sleep doesn't exist in our group's vocabulary, because we're planning to stay up all night talking and partying, baby!

"Alright, gentlemen. Now that our class leader is gone... let's get down to business."

The annual D Class boy's talk.

Upon hearing my words, us men of culture all gathered around in a circle on the floor, congregating into a huddle that comprised of me, Fudou, Nora, Mikitaka, John, and Houji, in that order.

Of course, Albert was there too, and he sat between Mikitaka and John. Despite being from a different class, we had become tight with him over the course of this week, so he was allowed in.

Otherwise, only those who were handpicked and invited by me and Fudou could participate in this special talk. We asked Aki and Kawaguchi if they could swing by, but Aki was preoccupied with leading his group and Kawaguchi wanted to get some rest.

The rest of the guys that were missing though? They could suck it. Matsushita? Ikemen, automatically out. Yamaguchi? Hates our guts, so screw him. Ayano? Has beef with Nora. Kouji? He's a big loner. Ikesugi? He's an even bigger loner!

The only outlier to this was Takanori, but that was because Fudou didn't want him joining us. He said that if he did, he would try and stop our fun. And, to be honest... yeah, that's totally something Takanori would try doing.

As sound of a guy Takanori is, that dude's way too straight forward and serious. The meaning of fun doesn't exist to him. If he knew what we were going to be yapping about for the next seven hours, he would shut us down immediately!

It's a real shame though. I actually wanted him to join so we could all get to know him better. Takanori's a real mysterious fellow, so it would've been nice to learn more about him, especially how he became the leader of our class.

I just can't imagine that friggin ikemen giving up his power so easily, much less to someone like Takanori of all people. Not to be rude, but I'm pretty sure Matsushita would even choose me to be leader before Takanori.

After all, I'm this class's secret weapon, heh. My charisma is so strong, I had to actively nerf myself to give these lame ass beta riajuu a chance. I'm so beloved by girls, I reject them so I can continue loving them all in my heart.

That's what separates me from the rest of these ikemen frauds!

"Hell yeah, I've been waiting for this!"

Fudou grinned, cracking his knuckles before smacking his fist into his hand like he was preparing to fight.

"Let's cook, de gozaru!"

Houji, trying to distract his mind from the fact that his nine year login streak on his favourite gacha game had been forcibly broken by this week long special exam, screamed with even more vigour than usual.

"Mans not got a numpty on what you lot are chatti', but mans styll here for it anyways innit, done kno!"

"Same here, but that's because I don't usually hang out with you guys to know what you usually talk about." Albert said.

"I-I hang out with them pretty often, but even I don't know what Mitsuba-san and the others have planned for us to talk about, so don't worry..."

Nora was simply adorable whenever he laughed nervously. Ahhh... Nora-chan...

With such a smooth white face, innocent almond eyes, silky chestnut hair, petite doll-like figure, and curvy childbearing hips, why did you have to be born as a male? This is a cruel prank from God! You should've been born as a girl!

The moment I had that thought however, a dark memory that occurred earlier today resurfaced to the top of my mind. The shadow of it lingered in my mind. How could something so disproportionate exist on him of all people...

"Ha ha, don't worry my best friend. Today, us men are going to be discussing the most masculine topic available. Isn't that right, Mitsuba-san?"

Mikitaka grinned, striking his iconic arm over shoulder pose. I nodded sagely, returning the grin back at him, while those three continued to look confused.

"If you mans start wid dat sigma shite, mans gonna Audi faster dan you mans mum on a night out wid mans blud, swear down."

I shook my head at John, laughing at his foolish assumption.

"Please. Don't think so little of me, John-san. What you're saying is exactly right, Mikitaka-san! We're going to be talking about something that will determine our future together, something that will indicate whether we can stay friends or not, and, most importantly, something that will make us brothers for life!"

"I've never seen Jun string so many big words together." Fudou snickered.

I raised my finger into the sky and brought it down like Hephaestus's hammer, pointing at everyone in the circle.

"We're going to be talking about who we like at school!"

"Wooooooooooo, de gozaruuuuuuuu!" Houji screamed.

"Hell yeaaaaah!" Fudou cheered.

"It's the era of romance, my fellow men of culture! Let us discuss and hash out who wants who so we can avoid a civil war between friends later!"

"An excellent choice of topic, Mitsuba-san!"

Mikitaka nodded his head furiously while the other three stared at us like deers caught in headlights.

"Mandem... respektfully bruv, you mans are bare waffling it now innit. Stop begging it bruv."

John deadpanned, rolling his eyes at the end. Albert stroked his chin, looking deep in contemplation before patting John on the shoulder and saying something in English. I should really try learning the language so I can understand these two...

Whatever Albert said, it was enough to make John's eyes sparkle, and he turned to rest of us with a grin.

"You mans shoulda said dat sooner bruv, mans in!"

Albert gave me a thumbs up. I returned the signal. It would've been nice to know what he said to make John be on board with this, though...

Nora, pretty face now bright pink, raised his hand to say something. However, before he could, Fudou clapped his hands, grabbing everyone's attention. From the corner of my eye, I could see Nora lower his head and slink back his hand.

"Aight, I'll go first. You pansies good with that?"

"Not a problem with me, de gozaru!"

"Ho ho, I'm excited to learn about this one."

"Mans like Yukimura yeah, go on puss'ole, popopop!"

"Say it with chest, Fudou-san!"

I laughed, rubbing my hands in anticipation.

"Heh, you bet. I'll only be saying it once, so listen up well assholes!"

Fudou's confident smile faded away, being replaced by a terrifying scowl that perfectly matched with the deathly sharp look in his eyes.

H-holy crap, you could tell he meant business... I've only ever seen him pull this face before in a fight!

"The girl I like is Alice! And none of you god damn weasels better lay a hand on her or try rizzing her up for yourself, ya hear me?! If ya do, I'll personally come over to rip your tiny balls out and shove it down your friggin throat!"

After bellowing such a passionate response, Fudou rubbed the bottom of his nose with a small smirk. However, he soon looked at us with a deadpan expression as everyone seemed unsurprised by this fact.

"Oi, what the hell is with this reaction...?"

"What? We already knew you liked her."

As those words left my mouth, Fudou wrapped his arm around my neck and pulled me in, putting me into a headlock and giving me a knuckle sandwich to the head.

"Ow ow ow! Why are you attacking me, I'm just saying the truth!!! I preach facts brother, facts!!!"

"If you know "the facts", then tell me when the hell did you guys find out?!"

Fudou drove his knuckles deeper into my cranium.

"Ooooowwwww!"

Why is he asking me that?! He's the one who makes it clear as day when he simps for her! My brain hurts, my brain hurtsssssss!

"We didn't found out per se, de gozaru. It's just you were obvious about liking Alice-dono, de gozaru."

Fudou dropped my head and grabbed Houji in a stranglehold, causing him to squeal and slap the ground for mercy.

"D-de, de gozaruuuuuuu!"

"When the hell did she give you permission to call her by her first name, Houji you bastard!"

"Alice-dono prefers it when people call her that, de goza—ow ow ow!"

Fudou tightened his grip as Houji said her name again. He choked him so hard, Houji dropped his weird samurai speech pattern for a second there. Rest in peace, Houji... you were a braver man than me.

"Say her name again and I'm revoking you of your manhood!"

"S-Sakigamiya-dono, Sakigamiya-donoooooooo!"

Fudou let go of him and crossed his arms. He flared out his nose seeing Mikitaka and John roll on the floor over his antics.

"Oi, you two want some too?"

Mikitaka shook his head as he sat up, wiping the tears out of his eyes while continuing to snicker.

"Nah, nah, I'm good. I just wasn't expecting you to be so yandere man."

John curled up into a ball from how hard he laughed.

"Blud's acting like mans is already her sweet one, done kno... what a wasteman bruv, brrrap!"

Fudou growled at them, using his feet to kick both Mikitaka and John from afar. His right foot connected with John's head, causing him to sit up, but Mikitaka dodged his left foot by scooting away.

"Tch. I'm dropping you off a cliff tomorrow, Mikitaka."

"At least let me lose my virginity before I die, Yukimura-san."

For some reason, Mikitaka was looking at Nora when he said that line. Huh, that was kinda fruity.

"Oi, oi, but seriously, why Sakigamiya-san of all people? I know she's cute and kind and all that stuff, but she's an ikemen lover and her chest is... you know."

I made a waving motion over my body. Fudou smacked the back of my head.

"Ow! It hurts like hell every time you hit me! Stop with the violence!"

"Then stop saying dumb crap all the time! Have you ever tried thinking about anything other than a girl's body? How big their tits are doesn't matter, and if they're too big, they end up just looking like cows."

"Flat is justice, de gozaru."

Damn it, both Fudou and Houji were small breast enjoyers... surely I can't be the only dude here who likes big honkers!

"You take that back! Large is truth, and I won't accept anything else! You're with me, right guys?!"

As I called in the calvary, I was met with no fanfare.

"Medium is premium."

John and Albert were both in unison that they wanted regular size boobs.

"Mikitaka-san, Nora-chan, don't leave me hanging! I know your type are tall women with big breasts! Come join me my brethren, we shall take on the world together!"

"Actually, I enjoy breasts of all sizes. Recently, I've come to also appreciate smaller breasts."

"Nooooo Mikitaka-san, not you too!"

I screamed, putting my hands on my head.

"Mikitaka-dono, I had no clue de gozaru! Welcome to the club, de gozaru! It's so much cuter when they're smaller!"

Meanwhile, Houji's eyes lit up in delight, and he and Mikitaka shared a firm handshake.

"Heh, I have to agree. Of course, regular sized boobs are also good. As long as they have nipples, I'm a happy man."

"I'm stuck in a sinking ship full of traitors... Nora-chan save me... Nora-chan save me...!"

I crawled over to Nora, putting my arm around him. He laughed nervously, scratching cheek.

"I-I mean... well... um..."

However, before he could say anything, memories of what I saw earlier flashed in the front of my mind, causing me to take my arm off him.

Suddenly, it made total sense as to why he liked big breasts...

"Oh, Nora-chan, you dirty dog... of course you'd be into that! Damn it! Damn it all! Damn this cursed world! God, when I get my hands on you—!"

I screamed once more, putting my hands on my head.

I truly am alone in this world...

"E-eh? M-Mitsuba-san, are you okay?!"

"Leave him be, he's pumping it up in delusion town again." Fudou sighed.

"Most sane Lobotomy Gaisen fan, de gozaru."

"I know a thing or too about having undiagnosed schizophrenia."

Mikitaka nodded his head sagely.

"Bruv... are you mans good?"

Even John was confused, and those two have been classmates for three months!

"Oh look, Mitsuba-san stopped screaming, and we know Yukimura-san likes Sakigamiya-san. Who's next?"

"Oh, me de gozaru! Me de gozaru!"

Somehow, Mikitaka managed to wrangle the conversation away from him possibly having a serious mental illness... I can't tell if that was impressive or not.

"O ho ho, I'm curious to know which girl you're into, Houji-san. Lemme guess, it's gonna be a cute girl like Tadokoro-san!"

I grinned, leaning in to hear what he had to say. Houji crossed his arms and smiled as he thought about his crush, his face going bright pink as he did.

"E he he he de gozaru..."

"Oi, don't leave us hanging with a creepy laugh. Which girl you tryna rizz up?"

Fudou smacked Houji on the arm, causing him to snap out of it.

"D-de gozaru! Ahem, sorry de gozaru... to preface, I want to say that my number one is still my waifu, but the girl I like comes pretty close to topping her, de gozaru."

"I still can't believe you prefer 2D girls over real ones..." Albert said.

"Yeah, sure, whatever man, just spit it out already!" Fudou said.

"The girl I like is... Hono Ria-dono, de gozaru!"

"Eh?" Fudou said.

"Eh?" Mikitaka said.

"Ha?" John said.

"Ehhhhhhhhhh?!" I said.

"I don't know who that is." Albert said.

"You like Hono-san?! What?!"

"Damn bro. I had no clue."

Fudou scratched the back of his head.

"Come to think of it, she does have a pretty small chest..."

Compared to some of the boob monsters in our class, Hono was pretty much flat in comparison. If I had to guess, she's probably a B Cup. Although, what she lacked in body she totally made up for in her face!

In terms of natural beauty, Hono was the top in our class! You could tell because she doesn't wear as much make-up as her friends do, like Alice and Kazuraba, yet continues to be on par with them when it comes to looks.

"Have you ever talked to her before, Tanaka-san?" Albert said.

"Eto... not at all, de gozaru."

"So this is like some type of middle school chuunibyou crush, eh?" Fudou said.

"Indeed de gozaru... but I'm fine with just watching from afar, de gozaru. For geeky losers like us, bijin such as Hono-dono are way out of our league, so we have to accept that this is reality, de gozaru."

I shook my head, wagging my finger.

"Nuh-uh-uh. With that defeatist attitude, you'll never pull any bitches! Pull up your pants and get some more confidence, Houji! You're a swell guy, and I think Hono-san would be lucky to be dating you over some lame ikemen creep like Matsushita!"

"Yeah, Jun's right. Don't be so hard on yourself man. You're a geeky nerd, but who cares right? At least you own it unlike those faker than plastic ikemen assholes."

"Blud, you know sum uv dem gal are into dat kind uv stuff, yea? Like, you mans can bare waffle about what you mans are into, dem weird gachas 'n shite, and rah, dem mans loves it! Dey usually da sweet type uv peng ting too ya kno."

"Ha ha ha... thank you de gozaru. But I don't think Hono-dono is that kind of girl, de gozaru. Ever since Sakigamiya-dono confirmed that she didn't like Matsushita-dono, she's been trying really hard to get his attention, de gozaru."

"Then get in there, swoop Hono-san off her feet, and cuck him!"

"T-that's a reckless plan, Mitsuba-san..."

"No, no, let him cook. Cucking an ikemen is always a good thing."

"Hell yeah!"

Me and Fudou shared a fist bump.

"Tanaka-san, mind if I offer some advice?" Mikitaka said.

"Go ahead de gozaru."

"Even if you don't end up going out with her, it's still worth trying to talk to her and befriend her. Things might not work out, and she might give you the cold shoulder, but that's fine. You can't win 'em all. And if it does work out... well, you gained yourself a new friend along the way. Wouldn't that be great?"

"Yeah, it would be nice to be friends with a girl, de gozaru."

"Mikitaka's spitting facts. You never know, Hono might not only be into ikemen. She might be a closeted fat dude or ugly bastard lover."

I smacked Fudou on the leg.

"Fudou-san!"

"Huh? What, don't look at me like that. I'm just saying it how it is. It's like when some guys are into chubby girls or whatever."

"Yeah, but that's usually because that means they're more thicc because they have more body fat! It's not the same on a guy!"

"I'm inclined to agree." Mikitaka said.

"Thank you! See, Mikitaka-san gets it!"

"...hold up, did you just out yourself into liking fat chicks?"

"Shaddap! I like women of all body types, what's wrong with that?!"

Fudou stared at me with a deadpan.

"So if a keeling, decaying granny with saggy tits came up to you and said she wanted to do it, would you?"

"If her lady parts are still functioning and she doesn't have an STD, absolutely!"

"...oi, oi, oi I think we found a bigger problem than Houji's lack of confidence, why are into fat chicks and GILFs?!"

"Just because I would doesn't mean it's my type. I can smash a granny and still have preferences!"

"Personally, I think all body types are beautiful." Albert said.

"Um... T-Tanaka-san, if you don't mind me asking... h-how did you end up noticing Hono-san anyways?" Nora said.

"Oh de gozaru! It's quite simple actually, de gozaru. I saw her alone at the arcade I usually go to de gozaru. She was killing it on the rhythm game, de gozaru!"

"Ahh, so that explains it... you want a gamer girlfriend, don't ya?"

Fudou laughed and slapped Houji on the back.

"It would be nice to share my love of gacha with one yes, de gozaru..."

"No shame in that. I want a submissive and breedable girlfriend!"

Fudou punched me in the gut for that. It hurts...

"That's what you get for being so horny, dumbass."

Fudou blew the dust off his knuckles. I whimpered, curling up on the floor and clutching my stomach.

"Oof... alright... who's next...?"

"M-Mitsuba-san are you okay...?"

"I-I'm fine, Nora-chan...! I'm fine...!"

"Aye fam, let mans speak innit. Mans gonna tell you lot wastemen about mans sweet one yea, so like dat Yukimura donny, mans want none of you lot to come anywhere near her, aight fam? Aight, cool, boom, done kno."

I sat up, shaking off the pain and listening attentively to who John liked. I didn't know much about him, but just from hearing who he liked, it would be really easy to gleam what sort of person he was.

"Mans looking at gyal like Amanda, done kno! You mans know mans been chatting to her on dat daily innit! Aye, shout out mans like Albert for linking me wid da peng one, boom! Is easy bruv, mans gonna be up in dat poom-poom any day now, done kno!"

"Amanda? Like, Ichinose-chan's friend, Amanda?! The halfu from B Class, Amanda?!"

"You mans acting bare rude fam, why you mans so shocked? Skrrrrt!"

"I just wasn't expecting it bro!"

"Huh... yeah, me neither. I always took you for the type to be into the really Japanese girls, like I dunno, friggin Rinbayashi."

"Rinbayashi is cute 'n all dat, but compared to an uckers like Amanda? Nah brudda, you mans tweaking if you mans think mans is picking dat dusty yute ova a sweet one like her man, skrrrrrah! Mans would be da biggest wasteman, you man get me?"

"John-san's had his eye on Amanda-san for a very long time now. Me and her were friends, so I helped the homie out by getting them in touch with each other. I think he is being a bit overzealous when he says they're very close, though."

"Nah blud, trust mans innit, mans like... two plus two is four, minus one dat's three quick math like steps away from rizzing her. She'll be wanting a big piece uv mans phantom train, you get me?"

"Considering Amanda-dono is half American like you, Obama-dono, does she by any chance speak English, de gozaru?"

"Yeah, she does. Fluently, in fact."

"In that case, I can see why John-dono would be interested in her de gozaru. You would have a better time communicating with each other, de gozaru!"

John snapped his fingers and nodded in agreement.

"Mans can barely understand what mans like Tanaka said innit, but mans one hunnid bout dat communication aspect, skyat! Mans not dating no gyal dat mans can't even hold a good convo wid innit. Iss bare annoying wen mans dun even kno what da missus wants as well, like bamp! Rah fam, being able to chat bare and express tings is too important to mans innit. Mans'd rather have an honest yute dan a swine one. Mans hate snake gyal like dat, you mans get me? Bare snitches, da lot uv dem wasteman, brrrrrrap!"

...I have no clue what he just said!

And, judging by the looks on everyone else's faces, they were all confused too, with the obvious exception of Albert.

"Oi, Albert, can you translate what this guy said to us in proper Japanese?"

"Dat was proper Japanese you wasteman! Do you mans wanna scrap behind Tesco bruv, mans'll shank you like shhhhlat if you mans don't pipe down innit!"

"Huh? You trying start a fight?"

"Tmt, yea fam, mans not scared, come at mans you pussy'ole! Mans got a wooden shank, save da environment 'n all dat, to back me up innit blud! Pop pop pop!"

Between Fudou and John, I couldn't tell who had the shorter temper... either way, I would not want to get in a fight with either of them!

"John-san basically said that he needs open and honest communication with his partner, and that he hates liars and cheaters."

"That's very respectable, de gozaru."

"Oh, huh... when you put it that way, same here!"

Considering the type of guy John is, I thought his only criteria would be girls with big asses who know how to cook fried chicken. I was actually surprised to hear a well thought out answer from him.

"Safe fam, mans like Mitsuba got me brrrap brrrap brrrap! Snitches can get stitches bruv, dey a snake ting styll! Swine, dem wasteman are swine innit bruv!"

"Alright, who wants to go next?"

Since we were done with John, I decided to move the discussion along. If we keep going at this pace, we'll never reach my turn! (I was saving the best until last, after all, heh heh heh.)

"I mean, I don't mind, but I think you'll find my answer pretty boring." Mikitaka said.

"Why's that, de gozaru?"

"Well, you guys already know what my type is, so you probably already have a preconceived notion of who I like."

To admit, I did think Mikitaka liked Kazuraba or Katsumi since they both fit his criteria. More so the latter than the former, since a bombshell beauty like Kazuraba is way out of his league.

"Hah, but that's what makes it more interesting. What if you like a chick that isn't your preferred type? That'd be a twist."

"Yeah, I'd be surprised too!"

Mikitaka looked between both me and Fudou, before chuckling under his breath.

"...ah, looks like I've got caught. Yukimura-san, you're right on the money."

"Hell yeah! Wait, huh?"

Fudou pumped his fist before realising what that actually meant for Mikitaka. So he doesn't like Kazuraba or Katsumi?!

"Mikitaka-dono's crush is someone other than a tall girl de gozaru?!"

"That's right. And she doesn't have big balloons either. She's flat as cardboard, but I still love her anyways for it."

My jaw dropped.

"Aye, that's my guy! Small chest gang, let's go!"

Fudou slapped Mikitaka's hand in respect.

"Who the hell is this?!"

The only flat girls in our class were Tadokoro and Kita! There's no way he likes either of them, does he?!

"Yeah blud, tell da mandem already fam, dun make us wait bare innit, brrrrap!"

Mikitaka chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

"It's embarrassing to say, so just give me a minute to mentally prepare myself..."

"A ha ha ha, he's like a maiden in love!"

Fudou laughed, pointing at the sheepish Mikitaka.

"S-shut up! This is the first time I've felt this way about a woman after all, so..."

Mikitaka put his hand on his chest and squeezed it. Damn, he was serious about it...

"T-take your time, Mikitaka-san. You've... got this!"

Turning to him was Nora, who gave him encouraging words with a gentle smile.

Mikitaka stopped rubbing the back of his neck and cracked a wide smile back.

"Ha ha ha... thank you, my best friend. For giving me this courage."

Then, with gusto, Mikitaka sprang up like a well, and swept his hand out.

"Everyone. The girl I like is...!"

He opened his eyes and pushed out his chest.

"...Shimizu Hoshimi-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

"Huuuuuuuuuuuh?!" I screeched.

"She's like the complete antithesis of your type!" Fudou said.

"S-Shimizu-dono, de gozaru?!"

"How have I never noticed..." Albert said.

"Bruv..."

John stood up and put his hands on Mikitaka's shoulders.

"...mans understands you innit! Hoshi is bare cute fam, she's a real sweet one ting, brrrrap!"

John pulled Mikitaka into a hug.

"Yeah, she really is! Her cute and shy personality is absolutely the best!"

Mikitaka nodded, hugging John back while patting his back.

"And blud... don't forget dat bunda bruv. Mans don't kno what regiminmin she working on innit, but fam... dat back is a madness!"

"Bro... I think she singlehandedly convinced me that I'm actually an ass man. Her butt... gyat!"

"Huh... wha... are we looking at the same person here...?"

"I'm with you, Jun. Since when the hell did Shimizu of all people get a Taiga level booty?"

From what I could remember, Shimizu was flat as a pancake on both sides! Unless... does she have a sleeper build?!

I'll have to investigate further in my own time... if Shimizu really does have Taiga level cheeks, I'll have to reassess my opinions about her...!

"Wasteman, she always had a peng tushy blud! You mans too blind to see innit! Staring at gyal like Sakigamiya thighs all day, tmt, wasteman innit!"

"Thighs are the best, what can I say."

"Albert-dono, as her classmate and friend, can you confirm what they're saying, de gozaru?"

"I've never paid attention to that, so I have no opinion."

"Look, just trust us. The next time you see Hoshi-chan at school, check her behind. It's good." Mikitaka said.

"Alright man, whatever you say. I'm still surprised though..."

"Heh, I thought so. Change my type to a girl with a big ass, rather than big boobs."

"Dem man rite dere, safe! Done kno!"

Mikitaka and John shared one more hug of respect before breaking off.

"I'm surprised you understood me too, John-san."

"Well, mans had a likkle hard time wid dat gyal. Hoshi 'n mans chat bare about trains, innit. We go to Train Appreciation club like every Wednesday blud, done kno! Mans never rizzed da gyal dough, big mans like Zy proper fancies her innit, skrrrrrap!"

"Yeah... it's so clear Zyriot-san likes her. He only shows his goofy side around her."

"Proper sad ting man, but mans backs you on getting da gyal, done kno!"

"Ha ha, thank you man. It's appreciated. Takayuki-san, wanna go next?"

"E-eh? Me?"

"Yeah! Unless, you don't wanna say?"

"U-umm... n-not really..."

"Woah, woah, woah, hang on a minute! Nora-chan, you can't back out of this! We all agreed as fellow men of culture to say who we like here! It'd be unfair if you get a pass just cuz you're not feeling it!"

Mikitaka undid his manbun, slicked back his hair, and cracked his knuckles.

"What my best friend wants, my best friend gets. Stand down, Mitsuba-san, or else I'm going to have to "Ya ha ha" on your sorry ass."

"Hah, you can try, but I've got Fudou-san on my side! He'll protect me from your violent ways!"

"Huh? Yeah right, like hell I'm dying for a horny dog like you. You're on your own here, dumbass. Come back to me when you stop objectifying women."

"Huh? F-fine then, Houji-san! You'll back me, won't you?!"

"I've spent way too much on gacha games to die here and now, de gozaru."

"Oh come on, not you too! H-hey Albert-san, won't you lend me a—"

"No."

"B-b-but...!"

Mikitaka stomped over to me, towering over me with a delinquent smile and smoke fuming out of his nostrils.

"O-oh... um... M-Mikitaka-san..."

"So what's it gonna be, Mitsuba-san? Hah?"

I thought I was gonna piss myself any moment now.

"Y-yes zaddy, I-I'm sorry I tried to go against your best friend's w-wishes..."

Fudou spit laughed and Houji covered his mouth, snickering at me.

"Good."

Mikitaka pat me on the head then sat back down. I've never felt more emasculated in my life before...

"T-thank you for defending me, Mikitaka-san... b-but I think you might've gone a bit too far..."

"Considering it's Mitsuba-san, I don't think I went far enough. But fine, I'll go easier on him next time, only because you told me too."

Nora smiled lightly and nodded. Mikitaka grinned, rubbing the bottom of his nose. Oi, if Nora was a girl, they'd totally look like a couple right now... come to think of it, aren't Nora and Shimizu pretty similar?

Nah, surely not. Nora doesn't have any ass. The only place he's got meat is—

I screamed internally, washing out that cursed memory from my head that suddenly came back to haunt me.

"Alright, only you and Albert left. Who's going first between you two?" Fudou said.

"Mitsuba-san looks like he's still in distress from Mikitaka-san, so I'll go first."

"Go for it bro."

"I'm excited to find out which lady Obama-dono likes de gozaru!"

Albert gave a light smile.

"Actually... I like a guy, Tanaka-san."

Huh? Albert likes men?!

"Oh de gozaru! My apologies, I didn't know Obama-dono swung that way de gozaru!"

"Wait, you mans gay bruv?"

Before I could say that, John beat me to the punch. However, I'm glad I didn't, since Fudou looked ready to dropkick him over it. Albert noticed this too, and waved his hand to signal to stand down.

Albert said something to John in English, John replied in English with a grin, and Albert nodded with a rare smile. He turned back to Houji.

"It's alright. I've never brought up this fact before, so it's understandable if you're surprised. I haven't even told my own class about this yet, which is why John-san was also surprised. But yeah, I like men."

"Respect."

Mikitaka fist bumped Albert.

"Same here man."

Fudou held out his fist for one too. Nora and Houji followed. I stuck out my fist too to join in, receiving a firm bump from Albert.

"I'm surprised with how cool you guys are with this. Back in America, coming out like this would be a huge deal."

"Humbly, I believe that someone's sexuality shouldn't be something that we make a big deal out of. It's only made a big deal because we live in a primarily heterosexual society that has existed for millions of years. Not to mention, sexuality within itself is a complicated and tricky thing that exists on a spectrum, and sometimes these labels we've come up with don't even properly or fully explain your sexual preference. Put simply, you like who you like, and it's no one's business to judge."

After explaining his very convincing stance with crossed arms, Mikitaka closed his eyes and nodded sagely. Then, he shot them back open and tacked on something at the end.

"Oh, and before you all have intrusive thoughts, obviously there are some exceptions. If you're sexually attracted to horses, that's a problem."

"Wow, Mikitaka-dono went in-depth de gozaru!"

"Well, he's right after all. Anyone who says otherwise or tries to discriminate can get a handful of my god damn fists." Fudou said.

"Ha ha, thanks guys."

"Honestly, if you want my opinion? More men should come out as gay!"

Albert, Mikitaka, and Fudou started whistling and cheering when I said that.

"That way, there would be less competition for the rest of us! Gay men to the moon! Rise up, homosexuality!"

Then, they abruptly stopped cheering, and Fudou grabbed me in a chokehold.

"That's not the reason why you should be supportive, dumbass!"

"Ow ow ow! Stop, stop, stop! I can't breathe Fudou, I can't breatheeeee!"

I was smacking the floor desperately trying to escape with my life. Fudou let go of me with a sigh.

"Putting aside this idiot's comment... who d'you fancy, Albert?"

For the first time in my life, I saw Albert blush.

"Takanori-san."

"Hah! Now we know Albert's type are complete and utter boyfailures." Fudou said.

"Eh? Takanori-san?! But isn't he straight?!" I exclaimed.

Albert shrugged.

"Hard to say. He could be straight, he could be bi, he could be ace. All that matters is he's single, so I've got a chance."

"I admire your resolve Obama-dono de gozaru!"

"Considering he and Kazuraba-san aren't a couple yet despite their closeness... I think brother might be playing for the other side." Mikitaka said.

"Plus yeah, mans like Tic-taka proper hates when us lot chat about da gyaldem, done kno! Wasteman would be bare vexed if he was here listening to us mandem. You mans'd think blud got beef wid peng tings or some ting, skyat."

"Oh my god, so I have a chance with Kazuraba-chan after all!"

"What, is that your secret crush?" Fudou said.

"Hell yeah! Have you seen her milkers? I bet they weight over two kilograms!"

I laughed and made a cupping motion with my hands. Fudou smacked me over the head.

"Jun, Albert. Can I keep it a hunnid with both of you?"

"Ow! After hitting me on the head so much, why should I?!"

"Sure, go ahead Yukimura-san."

Fudou gave me a death stare that read "You're going to listen to what I say, or else." before continuing.

"I ain't gay, and I have no interest in cow tits, but even I know both of you can do better than that."

Albert laughed.

"I don't know. If there was better, I would've fallen for them first instead of Takanori-san. But I haven't, so in that sense, I'd have to disagree."

"Seriously? What makes him so good then? I mean, he's a fine dude and all that, but... he's kind of a loser."

"I don't have that impression of him at all. I think he's both cool and handsome, especially after he picked up wearing sunglasses like me."

Albert tapped his cool shades.

"And in some aspects, he reminds me a little bit of Machida-san. Especially in terms of strategising and executing ruthless plans. The main difference of course is Takanori-san is very chill and down to earth compared to Machida-san, who acts like a larger than life machiavellian figure."

"Wait... ain't no way you also liked that asshole too!"

"No, I didn't. Although, I will admit that Machida-san is hot and that his abrasive personality is a feature, not a bug. Although, I would never seriously consider trying to pursue a relationship with him. His disdain towards minorities is legitimately gross."

Considering Albert was both black and gay, I could only imagine what sort of terrible slurs Machida would call him if he tried asking him out...

"Yeah, that guy's messed up. I'll never forgive him for trying to attack Takayuki-san."

"Even if he's not perfect, Takanori-san is a saint of a leader compared to him. Oh, did I mention how strong he was too?" Albert said.

"You seriously do like him, huh... well, I wish you the best of luck man." Fudou said.

"And considering how blurry Takanori-dono's sexuality is, I think you have a great chance de gozaru!" Houji said.

"Da mandem back you mans bruv."

"Thank you, everyone."

Fudou turned to me.

"Well, Jun? Any defence for wanting to bang Kazuraba? Or are we going to have to unpack the fact you have a crippling fetish of cucking other dudes?"

"Hey now, that's some very accusatory wording! I'd never go out of my way to cuck someone, but if by chance I so happen too..."

I rubbed my hands deviously and laughed. I could feel the blood from my head rush towards my lower half.

"Alright, then tell us who you actually like."

Fudou rolled his eyes, already knowing what my answer was going to be.

"Gladly!"

I stood up and puffed my chest out.

"Gents, lads, men of culture... I want to thank you all for gathering here today to learn who my crush is. It's been a gruelling three months searching for true love at GEN Academy, but I feel as though I've finally found it... there's a woman here that I want to spend the rest of my life with! She is the love of my life and the apple of my eye! Yes... I present to you my crush!"

I took a deep breath and screamed into the sky.

"I LOVE YOGEN EMICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

"Wow." Albert said.

Then, he, Mikitaka, and John started clapping. I revelled in their admiration, soaked up their adamant praise, and enjoyed the symphony of their applause as it reached my ears...

"Owwwww!"

...only to scream as Fudou smacked me hard on the back of my head. I could feel my brain rattle inside my skull and hear my ears ring.

"Pipe down idiot, you're gonna wake everyone up with how loud you are!"

"A-and what's wrong with that?! I want the whole world to know just how much I love her!"

"Dumbass. You're not even a couple yet, at least get past that stage before unilaterally simping for her. Any louder, and I bet she would've heard you scream that confession of love!"

"Eh? But she already knows?"

Fudou looked at me with a deadpan stare. Soon, the rest of the guys craned their necks to give me the same piercing look.

"Wait... the hell do you mean she already knows?"

"I told her in person that I love her."

Fudou squinted at me, raising his eyebrows.

"You... ha?"

"I said I loved her!"

"Huh... I can't even be mad at you for that. You grew a pair, well done. So, what did she say?"

"She laughed and said she loved me too!"

Everyone's jaw dropped.

They couldn't believe me, but I can remember that scene as vivid as day.

In my entire life, it was my most happy and treasured memory.

It was just before the start of finals week.

I had just gotten out of a study session that Alice held, and was making my way to the train station to go home.

On my way there, I spotted Emica taking the same path as me.

And like me, she was by herself.

Seeing this, I sensed a chance to rizz her up.

In any normal romcom, harem, or eroge, this would be the moment the protagonist wavers. He would be acutely aware of the world of difference that exists between him and his love interest, and would get cold feet on going up and talking to her.

He would beat himself up for being so inadequate, before using this self-doubt as a convenient excuse to run away and continue admiring her beauty from afar.

However, the fear of his love interest being stolen away by the superior ikemen sinks in, and he rushes forward to close that literal and metaphorical space between them so that he can win in the end.

And because it's all wish fulfilment garbage, he does. To make the watcher, the reader, the player, feel like they have a shot at rizzing up a girlfriend without trying, even though they're worth nothing in the dating market thanks to their obvious insecurities.

The thing is... reality isn't so kind. Unless you're worth something, or willing to put in the effort for it, no one will be attracted to you. As a result, it's incompetent people like the protagonist who lose in the end.

Cowards who can only approach their love interest under pressure.

I refuse to end up like those people. I might be dumb, and I might be poor... but I'm not like them. That way of doing things is just not me.

I'm not the "protagonist".

And I could never be. It's just too god damn lame living in a delusion that being an insecure wreck can get you a girlfriend. Hell nah, I refuse to be a wimp like that! What kind of women wants a man that can't even stand on his own two feet, huh?!

After all, I'm the red hot ikemen!

And in the real world... it's the ikemen who win in the end.

So that's why I walked up to Emica, tapped her on the back, and grabbed her attention.

Looking over her shoulder, she peered down and saw me, giving me a lovely smile.

"Ah, Jun-san! What a surprise seeing you here."

"Hey, hey, Emica-chan! You also just got off supplementary classes?"

She shook her head.

"Nope, I had just finished my club activities."

"Oh yeah, you're in the cooking club, aren't you?"

"Mhm, that's right! Today we made some baked treats."

"Treats?!"

"Yes, treats."

"Ah, come to think of it..."

I leaned in towards her bag, giving me a better view of her voluptuous chest. I sniffed once, twice... and a third time for good measure. God, Emica smells so good...

"...there's a delicious scent coming from your bag!"

"He he, I'm glad you noticed. We made shortcake today."

Emica stuck her hand inside her bag and took out a tub with the food she made. I gulped, licking my lips.

Emica's handmade cooking... I want it!

"Hmm, how are you with sweet things, Jun-kun?"

"I love sweet things!"

"Ara, that's great!"

Hearing that first "ara" come from her silky voice awakened something in me. You know, I like all sorts of chicks and don't really have a preference, but I'm starting to think maybe I'm into gentle older sister types who smell nice more than I thought...

"In that case, could you try one for me? I want to know from a boy's perspective how it tastes."

Now, if we analyse this line carefully, there is an implication that the reason Emica is currently in the cooking club is to improve her skills for her future husband.

That right there? Instant wife material. And god, I love a woman who can cook. Ugh, please marry me already Emica!

Anyways, in this scenario, the standard protagonist would waver, and his self-doubt would arise again. He would become shy and nervous, slinking his hand away and asking "are you sure?" or "is it really alright?" even though she's already given her consent.

And for the edgy guys, they wouldn't have even come this far, since they would've denied they like sweet things earlier and say a lie that they only enjoy bitter foods!

But me? I'm the hot ikemen, so smile and nod with my usual and radiant suaveness.

"If you insist my dear, I'd love to help you."

"You're too kind Jun-kun, thank you very much."

Emica giggled, opening the tub.

Now, this would be the real test. You can glean a lot from how a girl gives something to you. In this scenario, would she let me choose a piece from the tub, or would she choose a piece for me?

If it's the former, it means she shows trust in me, and has faith I won't take advantage of her. On paper, this looks most ideal for your standing with her, but actually, this shows the complete opposite.

Because if it's the latter, this means she is picky with what I receive. In all likelihood, this means she wants to choose the best piece for me to eat so she can show off her skills to me. It also shows that she wants to be in control of the situation because she cares for me, and will even go the extra step of directly handing it to me.

Between these two scenarios, which is more romantic?

That's what I thought.

It's obviously the latter.

I held my breath and watched as Emica put her hand inside the tub and take a piece out.

My eyes sparkled with joy.

She stopped, turned to me with the piece, and presented it to me.

"Say ahh, Jun-kun~."

Boom.

My mind exploded.

In this moment, Emica had done the forbidden third option.

The one used exclusively for couples.

She was going to feed me her handmade cooking.

...this has to be a sign, right?!

If I was the protagonist, I'd do the chivalrous thing and swipe it out of her hand to eat it myself.

But I'm not. I'm the ikemen.

And the ikemen always takes advantage of all the women surrounding him.

And before you judge... of course I'm going to let her do this to me, are you crazy?!

You'd also throw your moral conscience out the window if it meant getting fed by the love of your life!

I opened my mouth wide and leaned in, making the "ahh" sound.

Emica's hand slowly approached my mouth, the shortcake trapped softly between her slender fingers.

My breathing got heavier as I could smell her sweet scent mix with the buttery shortcake.

She gently placed the shortcake on my tongue and retracted her fingers before I could lick the crumbs off them.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the taste of Emica's handmade cooking spread in my mouth.

I could die happy, right here, right now.

"Oh, Emica-chan... I love you so much...!"

I sniffled, wiping the tears away from my eyes. Emica laughed, smiling gently.

"He he he. Yes, yes, I love you too. I'm really happy to see you enjoy my food so much!"

Another direct hit struck straight through the heart.

Emica said... she loved me...?

Emica really... really said... she loved me...!

I wanted to scream in joy in this moment, but held myself back since I was still eating her shortcake.

I giggled to myself while recounting that core memory.

Finally, the days of my youth are being fulfilled...

Before long now, I'll get together with Emica...

Then, after graduating, we'll marry, we'll breed like rabbits, and we'll have at least three children together...

It'll be perfect!

...but my daydreaming was ruined by Fudou, who slapped me on the leg.

"Oi, you sure this ain't some kind of wet dream of yours?"

"Huh, what, Emica?"

I looked around vacantly at everyone else.

"Yes, her. You sure that wasn't just a figment of your imagination?"

"It's real, I swear! If you don't believe me, just ask her tomorrow! She'll corroborate my story, I'm not lying!"

"If that was real, then why the hell are you not gloating to everyone about the fact you guys are dating?"

"Huh... a ha ha..."

I rubbed the back of my neck, laughing nervously as I was unsure of what to answer.

While technically we had both confessed our love to each other... neither of us confirmed that we were dating with each other after the fact. I brushed it off to the side in the moment because I was so happy to hear that she loved me, but...

"So, that was a lie, huh?"

Fudou gave me bombastic side eye. Criminal offensive side eye.

"Classic Jun-dono to be honest, de gozaru."

"Mans more delulu dan mans nan, done kno!"

"You should go get a degree in gaslighting, I've never met a person who yaps so much bull aside from that damn ikemen."

"I'm starting to think Mitsuba-san might be a pathological liar."

Mikitaka's harsh words stabbed me through the heart. Ah crap, I gotta come up with an excuse real quick before this becomes an in-joke... think Jun, think!

"Ah, no, no, no, it's not like that! It's just... Emica-chan said she didn't want to date until I was at least a B Class student. She said her rank on the S System had already been lowered just from confessing to me, so... publicly going out with me would ruin her reputation in the eyes of the school."

"I guess that makes sense... so you two made a promise for the future, huh?"

"Basically, yeah!"

"And just how close are you to becoming a B Class student?"

"Considering we jumped from E to D in two months... if we let Takanori-san cook again, I'll be in B Class by at least the third semester!"

"And you're that confident she won't lose interest in you by then?"

"I talk to her every day!"

"Bro... I know I'm gonna sound cynical, but is that seriously enough?"

"How else are you gonna get closer to the person you like?"

I thought this was a no brainer, but Fudou was rubbing his chin, deep in thought.

"I suppose that's true... maybe that's why my progress with Alice-san is so slow..."

"Not to be another downer, but the more you talk about the circumstances, the more sus I'm becoming of your words."

This time, it was Mikitaka who was now questioning me.

"Eh? What do you mean?"

"Sure, this all makes sense on the surface... but if Yogen-san really liked you that much, wouldn't she say screw the system and go out with you anyways? Or, if she cares that much about how the system sees her, couldn't see use her wealth from A Class to transfer down to our class?"

"I agree with Mikitaka-dono, de gozaru. I want the best for you in your brave pursuit of 3D love, Jun-dono, but I'm starting to think with the way Yogen-dono is treating you, it sounds like you're her side option, not her main one de gozaru."

"Wait... actually yeah, those two bozos bring up hella good points. Bro, this chick is swindling you!"

I rolled my eyes at the accusations that Emica didn't love me. I knew these guys would be jealous that she liked me or that I would be so far with my love interest, but I didn't think they'd go so far as to try and sabotage my relationship with her.

I know with my own two ears what she said to me. As long as I breathe, I won't let anyone get between me and her!

"Yeah, yeah, your guy's attempts at gaslighting me won't work. If anything, I thought you would be supportive of me since your all my closet bros! So what the hell is up with this, huh?!"

"It's called an intervention. And it's precisely because we're your bros that we're warning you. Like Tanaka-san said, we're all hoping the best for you, but at the same time, we don't want to see you heartbroken either." Mikitaka said.

"Not to mention, you only have a crush on her cuz she looks like that one gravure model you worship by beating your meat to her every night. That ain't healthy man." Fudou said.

"I'm grateful of you guys keeping out an eye for me or whatever, but I can assure you that it's fine! I know what I'm doing. No matter the outcome, I'll be fine. I'm not that weak, you know? There's not a thing to worry about at all."

Mikitaka scratched the back of his neck and sighed.

"Well, there's nothing else I can say except good luck. We do truly support you, so I hope both you and Yogen-san can come public with your love someday."

"Heh, thank you. I swear to god I'll reach B Class at the very least!"

"Better kick it into overdrive in this exam then. It'll be prime time for our class to earn points if we can secure a place in the top three." Fudou said.

"Hell yeah! Let's steal 1st place from under the noses of both Shimada-san's group and Ryouta-san's group together guys!"

We cheered, overlapping our hands in the middle of our circle as we swore an oath to victory in this special exam.