CHAPTER EIGHTY-THREE: FULL OF REGRET !

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      CASEY WILLOWS WANTED SO BADLY TO ERASE THAT NIGHT FROM HER MIND. But no mattered how much she tried, every time she closed her eyes, the night replayed.

      He wasn't dead, he wasn't. Casey repeated those words to herself. But those words didn't help the fact that she was walking into the service with a white rose in her hand and the glooming, pitiful faces of everyone gazing at the girl that got him killed.

      Nobody blamed her, but Casey blamed herself. She stared at the picture at the front of the room. It was picture of Sawyer, in his natural state, smiling. In Memory of Sawyer Raymond Gunthey. She wished that it had been her instead. She wished he was here, holding her, telling her it was gonna be okay. But he wasn't, he was about to be six feet underground. And a little piece of Casey right along with him.

As she took a deep breath, she walked in, greeting Sawyer's parents. She did, in fact, get to meet them... just not how she wanted to.

The BAU team had decided to go to the funeral, in support of Casey. Everyone met at the entrance and decided to speak. Garcia shook her head, "I don't like this. We should something for Casey."

"I don't like it, either. But we have to let her grieve, baby girl." Morgan told. JJ turned around and noticed Spencer coming up to the team. She surely wasn't expecting him here. "Spence?" She asked and Reid greeted the group. "Hey."

"What are you doing here?" Morgan asked. "I'm here for Casey, to be there for her. Even if she doesn't want me here." Reid told. Even though they weren't on the best of terms, Reid still wanted to be a shoulder to cry on for Casey. He'd like to believe that Casey would do the same thing if he were in that position.

"Speaking of which, has anyone seen her?" Rossi asked. Everyone looked around and Reid found her, staring at the ground and fidgeting with her hands in nervousness. "There." He pointed. "Oh, my poor fair maiden." Garcia spoke as she looked at the girl.

Hotch dropped in. "Nobody treat her with kid gloves, alright?" He told the team. "Just be there for her. For Casey." Emily nodded, "For Casey." The team had approached the girl and Garcia practically tackled everyone else to hug her first.

"Hi, guys." Casey gave the team a small smile that was obviously fake. "Hi." Garcia hugged the girl and she could tell that Casey so desperately needed a hug. Garcia pulled away and looked at the girl. "We're here for you." She assured and Casey nodded.

Everyone was getting settled into the service. The team all sat together while Casey had been seated with Sawyer's family. His mother wanted her to. Somber music played as the funeral finally set in. Casey looked at the closed casket as everything quieted down.

Sawyer's parents stepped up and Casey had blocked their voices out as she looked down and got lost in her own thoughts. As much as she wanted to get that horrid night out of her brain, something else pushed that memory to the center of her brain. She remembered how she wouldn't let go his lifeless body in front of her.

Hitchford was sent to a hospital, he would live from his injuries. Their unsub was also caught and sent to prison. The team had left Casey alone because she begged to be with Sawyer's dead body. Casey had stayed in her same position, his body on her legs, absolutely crushing her and she was sure her legs were asleep by now but she that pain couldn't compare to what she was going though now.

The warehouse was cleared and Emily, Rossi, Hotch, Toderick and Reid stood in a circle, giving Casey her space. "Is she okay?" Toderick asked and everyone looked his way. Toderick shrugged, "Yeah, dumb question."

"She hasn't left that spot." Emily stated. "I know." Hotch nodded. "We have to get her up." Rossi added. "She's in shock," Reid told. "She's refusing to let go."

JJ had been the first one to walk up to her. The woman knelt in front of Casey and looked at her. Casey had a blank mind but she saw JJ in front of her. She remained to stare at the ground. The same crack on the ground. "Casey." JJ started, putting her hand on hers. Morgan began to slowly approach her, too.

"I can't leave him," Casey closed her eyes and looked at JJ. "Please." Morgan put a hand on Casey's shoulder. "We want to help you." He told.

"No, no, I can't— we were... we were supposed to meet his... parents." Casey broke down crying to the point that she had a massive headache and it was getting worse.

"I've got her." Reid held onto the girl's shoulders and he knelt down and Morgan and JJ nodded at one another and Emily and Rossi had helped the medics with putting Sawyer's body on a gurney.

Casey let go of Sawyer and just cried on that floor, Reid holding onto her. She cried, it didn't matter who she was crying on. She just wanted to be held.

Casey snapped out of her thoughts as Sawyer's mother spoke of the girl next. "And now, his girlfriend, Casey, will share a few words." Casey looked up and she nodded, throwing a small smile at the family. She stopped up with her prepared speech in her hand and walked up, but not before giving Rose a hug. She stepped up to the podium and laid her speech in front of her.

The girl stared at the crowd in front of her and then at her words. Casey had looked Reid's way next and Reid stared up at the girl - in a way, he was assuring that she would be okay. And Casey heard those words in her head.

She took a deep breath before clearing her voice and speaking. "I'm Casey... and I'm Sawyer's girlfriend..." She was trying to read from the thing but she ignored the papers in front of her and took another deep breath, trying to keep it together. "I met Sawyer six months ago. But... he was more than just a boyfriend to me. I met him at a coffee shop, we got the same coffee order and he gave me the cup and while he waited for his coffee to be made, he walked over to me and talked to me. And in a cliché almost, way, I fell in love. Sawyer died a hero..."

Casey sighed as she was struggling to keep it together. And her breath hitched and she couldn't cry in front of people again. "I'm sorry, I can't-I can't do this." With that, she rushed out of the building as people watched her leave. Before Hotch could go after her, Reid beat him to it. And he had taken a notice that she was pretty fast.

Hotch decided to go up on the podium and finished Casey's speech for her. After the service, Reid had come back and told the group he couldn't find Casey anywhere in the building or anywhere outside the building. "What do you mean you can't find her?" Morgan asked.

"I mean, I physically can't." Reid told. "Where would she go?" Emily asked. "Well, she's hurting right now. She doesn't have a clear head. It would have to be a place she wouldn't even know where she was at." JJ told. Reid suddenly began to think and thought of the one place she would be at while she was grieving. He thought about what she said to him about drinking after Emily died. "I think I know where she is."

        
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       Two blocks down from the service had been a bar that people frequently went to. Reid had arrived at the bar and had seen Casey sitting on a stool with a shot of vodka in front of her, left untouched. Casey had stared at the drink and was going to make a move, but didn't. She didn't even notice Reid walking in.

Reid stared at the girl, seeming helpless for her. He slowly approached her. "I knew you'd come here." Casey looked over at the man and scoffed, "What, are you spying on me now?" She looked ahead as Reid sat next to her. He noticed the alcohol in front of her.

"Casey, I know you're dealing with a lot right now, but—" The girl interrupts him. "Look, just give me the "don't drink" speech, get out of my face and let me do what I need to do." Casey glared over at Reid.

There's a pause when Casey grabs the shot glass but Reid tries to stop her and she shakes him away. "Casey—"
         "No," Casey said sternly. "No, I have spent my entire life getting pep talks and right now, I don't want one. So, I'm gonna deal with my grieving process the only way I know how and that is by drinking. I'm gonna get plastered tonight and I don't care. Funerals should be the exception for drinking, so..."

       Casey stared at the glass in front of her and Reid looked at the glass and then the girl. He nods, "Okay. But I will be right here the entire time you do. I'll even take you home after."

      Casey looked over at Reid. He would make sure she'd never do anything too stupid. And this was something stupid she was about to do. Sure, he was condoning this, but it was something Casey wanted to do. She wanted to do this, he would be there to help her on her feet right afterwards.

"You promise?" Casey asked.

Spencer nodded, "I promise."

With that, Casey looked at the glass and took a deep breath as she gulped down the glass and asked the bartender to keep them coming. The bartender asked if Reid wanted anything and he shook his head.

Casey rested her head on the palm of her hand and shook her head in deep thought. "I shouldn't have followed him." She said and Reid looked her way and shook his own head. "Casey, don't do that."

"He would've lived," It was obvious to him that she blamed herself for what happened — when it wasn't. She was full of regret but Sawyer made his own decision to go after the unsub. Reid mostly blamed himself - Sawyer only left because Reid told him to prove that he loved Casey. He felt like most of Casey's pain had been his fault.

Casey shook her head, "He died saving me. I should've stayed. I should've listened to you guys when you told me it was bad idea. I should've listened to you." She nudged her head over to Reid.

Reid looked down on the counter. "Well, you were mad at me." He stated. Casey took a gulp from another shot glass and his cell phone began to ring. He stepped away for a moment as he checked the Caller ID and checked to see that it had been Morgan calling him.

         "Hey." Reid started. "Hey, kid. You find her?" Morgan asked. "Yeah, listen, I think I'm gonna stay with her for the rest of the day. I'll bring her home, she's... well, going through it all at once." Reid explained. "That's understandable," Morgan spoke. "Well, just keep me posted. And Reid?" There was a pause. "Take care of her." Reid looked back at Casey and nodded, "Yeah, I will." With that, he hung up.

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        Around twenty-five shots in, (in reality, it was twelve), Casey was already pretty drunk and come to find out, according to Reid, she seemed to be a fun drunk. She was dancing to the music, playing pool and lucky for them, it was just the two of them. The bartender had made sure that the place was closed for just the two of them. Sure, Reid was sober, but he was having just as much fun as Casey. It felt nice to see the girl smile on a troubling time such as this one.

         Casey was slurring her words as she spoke. "You know... sometimes... I miss my drinking days... but-but-but-but... I only miss them because-because... of these type of nights." Reid chuckled, "Oh, really?" Casey nodded, "Yes, yes, yes. But, I don't do that anymore. After this night, especially. Mostly because I don't remember anything the next day." Casey began to giggle, something Reid had never heard before.

          Casey's smile fell into a shocked face when the next song began to play. "Ooh, slow song!" She smiled and grabbed Reid's hands. "Let's go..." She slurred out. "I-I don't dance, maybe not a good idea." Reid tried to pull away but Casey fought a little bit harder. "Just-just keep your eyes on me. Just-just shut up and dance with me!"

       She pulled him close to her and put her arms around his neck as Reid began to slowly and awkwardly put his hands on her waist. Casey put her head on his shoulder as they slow-danced. Flightless Bird, American Mouth blasting on the radio as they rocked back and forth.

       Now, Spencer Reid had never really been to a school dance before. He was never asked to one and he never had anyone to ask. Who'd go with him? He'd like to believe Casey would go with him, maybe if they were the same age and went to the same school.

        Casey looked up at Reid, her sparkling blue eyes mesmerizing Reid's brown ones. As the song played, they stayed like that - staring into each other's eyes. Reid never realized how crystal blue her eyes were. They were more of an ocean blue. He smiled to himself and Casey smiled back as she looked at him.

         The song had stopped playing due to it ending and the two stayed in their same positions and before either one of them could make a move, Reid pulled away as the bartender came back at the counter and shut the radio off. "Sorry, guys, gotta close up." The man told.

         "Aw, come on!" Casey groaned. "Just one more! One more!" She asked for another shot. "One more, but that is it after this." The bartender told and then looked over at Reid. "You taking her home?" He asked. "Y-Yeah, I will." Reid nods. Casey had taken her final shot.

         Casey exited the bar and looked up at the streetlight in front of her, dancing in her Levi combat boots and chuckling up at the sky. Reid had grabbed his coat and put his on and grabbed Casey's. He was glad that Morgan decided to drop Casey's vehicle off in front of the bar.

         He struggled to get Casey in the car but did a good job getting her in the backseat at least as he drove back to her place. "Can you-Can you... play the radio?" Casey slurred. "Okay." Reid nodded and began to play the music. "Thank youuuu," Casey smiled. "You're a-you're a genius." She pointed at his face. "A very... very cute one. I mean, dude, very cute." Reid chuckled to himself.

        "Are you buckled up?" Reid asked. "Yes, Doctor Smartie-Pants, I am. I can't be-I can't believe that you think I'm that dumb—" Casey hit her on the roof. "Ow."

        "Buckle up." Reid told. "You know, wearing a seat belt reduces the risk of fatal injury to front seat passenger car occupants by 45%." Casey told. "And risk of moderate-to-critical injury by 50%." Reid followed and Casey chuckled as she leaned back.

        "For those riding in the rear of vans and sport-utility vehicles during a car crash, rear seat belts are 73% better at preventing fatalities. Keep in mind that victims are not properly restrained in more than one-half of all fatal car accidents. Also, children are likely to be buckled 92% of the time when adults in the car use seat belts, as opposed to 72% of the time when adults are not using them." Reid explained and he looked over and Casey had snored. Reid looked in the rearview mirror at the girl and chuckled again. He hadn't even realized that he been doing it all night and he didn't chuckle much.

Unfortunately, Casey's little nap didn't last long because once they got to Casey's apartment complex, she wanted to race up the stairs but Reid suggested the elevator — to which, Casey replied with: "I love elevators!"

Soon enough, they arrived at Casey's apartment and Casey danced towards the couch and fell onto it. To Reid's surprise, Casey's apartment looked decent-looking. Not messy like it always seemed. "We should... order some food!" Casey smiled.

"I think we should get you into bed. It's been a long day." Reid told, trying to get the woman to settle down. "But I'm hungry." Casey pouted. "Then, I'll make you something." Reid told and looked in Casey's fridge. She didn't have much - smoothie juice bottles, leftovers from weeks ago, milk, butter and jelly were the only things he could find. He looked around and found bread on the table. Toast it was.

Casey had turned the TV on and Reid had decided to make the girl some toast. Casey watched him as he did so. She decided to go to the bathroom and Reid looked over. "What are you doing?" He asked. "Gotta pee, what's it look like?" Casey asked.

Moments later, Spencer had heard some clattering noise and something breaking. "Ow." He heard Casey say and he went to go and check out what happened. Reid knocked on the door. "Hey, you okay in there?" He asked. "Yeah, I guess." Reid sighed and twisted the door handle. "I'm coming in." He gave her ten seconds before he opened the door and found Casey on the ground, next to some glass and wax on the ground.

"My candle broke." Casey told.

Reid helped the girl get up carefully and began to help her towards the couch but Casey began to try and push him away. "I can get to the couch myself, Spence." As she stumbled in the living room, she began to rely on Spencer to carry her weight again and he caught her and asked if she had been okay.

Casey gazed into his sparkling brown eyes as Reid looked her up and down and without hesitation... she kissed him on the lips. And without him thinking, he kissed her back and deepened the kiss.

The Willows girl pushed him onto the couch and climbed on top of him, straddling him, and nuzzled her head into his neck and began to plant kisses on his neck. "Case-Casey." He moaned a little as she kissed his neck, making her smile. She began to subtly rock her hips against his groin, making him feel like he couldn't properly function.

Spencer couldn't believe this was happening and he had shortly let his mind get the best of him but then realized that her breath still smelt of alcohol and that she was still drunk and him doing this had felt wrong.

Quickly, he stopped her and slightly pushed her off of him. "Wait, wait, wait, stop." Casey gave him a confused look. Spencer immediately sat up and retied his tie that Casey had seemed to undo herself. "You're drunk. This feels wrong." He told.

Casey sits next to him, practically on his lap. "It's not wrong if I want it." Casey continued to kiss his neck and Spencer shook his head and in the fear of taking advantage of her, he knew he had to stop her from doing something she would regret. And he knew sober Casey would definitely regret it. Casey kept prying but he finally shook her off.

"Why do you want to sleep with me so bad?" Spencer stood up from the couch. "Because I-I like you." Casey dragged. Spencer's eyes glistened. Casey was too drunk to process what she was saying right now. No one could ever like him like that.

"I-I-I've always... liked you like that, Spencer. With your little quirks and your damn statistics that you think absolutely no one cares about but I do, I care. To be honest, Sawyer... I loved him, of course, but Spencer, I really really really really like you. You know, like, like you-like you." Casey said and chuckled to herself but Spencer shook his head and chuckled to himself next. This time, in amusement.

"Casey, you're not gonna remember this when you wake up at all tomorrow. And I'm not... having... sex... with you. I won't do that. Not while you're at your most vulnerable. So, we're gonna sit here and we're gonna pretend that didn't happen and we are gonna watch a movie, alright?" Reid decided. Casey sighs in disappointment, "Okay, Mr. Doctor-Man."

The remainder of the night seemed a bit peaceful as Spencer decided to put on one of the old 1940 movies that Casey had laying around in her apartment. Seemed like her and Gideon had the same taste in filmography.

Halfway through the movie, Casey's toast had been left on her plate - she'd only taken three bites of it. She had fallen asleep and Spencer had waited until the movie was over to leave her apartment. He turned the TV off and pull the blanket that was pushed away from Casey and placed it towards her upper body.

"Thank you, Spencer." Casey muttered a bit but Spencer heard her and smiled to himself as he left the apartment.

He pressed the elevator down button and sighed to himself in relief. Tonight was crazy but it was crazier when Casey had decided to kiss him and was even willing to sleep with him.

If she wanted recollection of the night, he wasn't going to give it to her. He didn't want her to suffer from embarrassment that she kissed him and that Casey knew with his eidetic memory that he would never forget it and she was right, he would never forget it.

The way her lips felt against his, the way she could take control. He felt fireworks. He now knew what those people would say about feeling the so-called fireworks. He didn't think he'd ever feel them, but with Casey, he did. Spencer was never gonna forget this night. Even if he wanted to... and he so desperately wanted to, he couldn't.

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It had been a week since anyone had seen Casey Willows in the office. Hotch told her to take as much time as she needed to. After an eventful case, the team was discussing to go and get food. And as they talked, someone caught Morgan's eye. "Ace." He spoke and that had gotten everyone's attention.

There Casey Willows was, dressed in PJs with an overly large jacket on as she gave a smile to her team. It was a small one, but it was enough. "Hey." She said hoarsely.

"Fair maiden." Garcia rushed over to the girl. "Case." JJ dropped her arms out of their crossed state and smiled at the girl, walking over to the girl next after Garcia. Casey gave Garcia a big hug.

Garcia pulled away and looked at the girl. "Are you doing better?" She asked and Casey nodded at the woman.

Hotch approached the girl. "I told you that you could take however long you wanted off." He said and Casey shrugged, "I know, but I wanted to see my family again."

Casey looked over at Reid and Reid stared at the girl. Morgan cleared his throat and nudged his team. "We should..." He recalled the argument and realized that they definitely needed to speak to each other. "Yeah, we'll see you." Emily pat Casey's back and everyone had basically done the same thing as they one by one, left the two alone.

"Hey." Casey greeted. "Hey." Reid spoke. "I, uh, I wanted to come by... not just to see them, but to see you." Casey said and Reid's heart fluttered.

"I wanted to thank you for being there for me when I needed it. And I'm sorry for ignoring you for the past couple of weeks over some stupid comment and I was holding a stupid grudge and you didn't deserve that. I was being ridiculous—"

Reid shook his head, "No, I-I made that comment when it shouldn't had even been said. I should be the one apologizing properly here."

"No, but I took it to heart." Casey shook her head. "I'm sorry." She apologized. "I'm sorry, too." He apologized, too.

With that, the two hugged. It was a small hug, but it was enough. "I'm also... sorry about the other night. I hope I didn't do anything too stupid. Did I?" She asked. Spencer looked at the girl but not before shaking his head. "No." He'd kept his word. Maybe someday he would tell her, but right now, it just wasn't needed.

"Well, I found a broken candle in my bathroom, can you explain that?" Casey asked and Reid chuckled.

lol i fed y'all some spasey content now leave me alone😭
[ spasey = ship name,,, what do y'all think?]

alsoooo
WHATS THE TAYLOR SWIFT SONG THAT BEST FITS WITH THEM GOOO
or any song lol

i cannot believe we are about five episodes away to being finished with s7 AND this book- this is so crazy man lol
anywayssss
thank you for reading
i'm actually kinda proud of this
-mya </3