Dear Diary,

           When people describe me, I've often heard words like strong, audacious, and brave, but they don't realize that I'm none of those things deep down. I put up walls. Because as long as I don't reveal those inner, vulnerable layers, no one can take advantage. Except, people still find their way in, and the last time I let my guard down, I fell hard. I gave my entire heart only to have it crushed—the life drained with a fatal squeeze.

There were days I'd cry with every recollection because of how wounded my pride was. The ache spread like roots through my bones, taking hold of the pain—reminding me how incomplete I felt without that person. Other times, I was furious and wished I could bleach them from my memory. But the worst part of it all was being lost. There were so many unanswered questions—questions I still don't have the answers to.

However, I learned that when we give our hearts to others, we're handing them the power to either treasure them or shatter them against the ground. 

I let it happen to me twice. But only twice.

Rodrigo was the first to break me.

When I entered the hotel room that night after spending time with Ben, my husband was still awake, but he wasn't alone. Cigarette smoke filled the room in a thin veil with a whiff of marijuana while playing poker alongside Melody and Leo. His eyes were redder than a fire truck when he glanced up from his deck of cards and noticed me. The groupie sitting on his lap saw me too, but she didn't budge. Instead, she smiled, emphasizing the goth makeup caked on her face, and pushed aside her cheaply dyed, fuchsia hair. 

The sweetness I had shared with Ben dissolved as my insides ignited in rage. The groupie was a friend of Aurora's, so I knew she'd report back to her, and they'd all get a good cackle at my expense. 

"My sweet thing! Get in on this." Rodrigo patted his knee. "Play with us."

"Looks like your lap is occupied."

"What's the harm in sharing? It could be hot seeing you two make out." He patted his knee again.

"I hope you're joking." I folded my arms.

"Of course, I am. Off!" he snapped at the groupie, but when she didn't move, he shoved her, and the girl went bottoms up, hitting the ground with a grunt.

"Ouch! What the fuck, Rodrigo?"

"Did you really think I'd pick you over my wife?" 

"Well, you certainly did before she walked in!" The groupie got to her feet and smoothed down her mini skirt with bangles clanging around her wrist. 

"Oh, please. You think because I let you sit on my lap and flirt that you mean anything to me?" 

The groupie arched her brow and clenched her jaw, emphasizing her underbite. "Well, I'm sure your precious wife will care that you let Melody deep throat your—"

"What?" My gaze shot from her to Rodrigo and then to Melody.

In one blurred movement, my husband skyrocketed from his seat, sending the cards and poker chips tumbling to the carpet. The girl shrieked, but he slapped his palm over her mouth and backed her against the wall.

"Shut your mouth, you washed up, filthy whore. The only thing you're good for is spreading your legs and mouth. Both of which are so used up people need a tetanus shot after touching you!"  

I'd never seen Rodrigo move so fast or speak to a woman in such a cruel way. It was vile, and his expression so lethal he resembled a snarling dog snapping its jaw. Part of me worried he might crush her neck. Did she deserve his wrath for purposely hurting me? Maybe. Yet, my stomach churned as tears accumulated in her eyes at the sting of his words. 

And I couldn't scrub away what she said about Melody, so my gaze drifted to the platinum blonde, but her eyes remained on the cards in front of her. With all of her rockstar bravado, the last thing I expected was for her to be a coward. Leo, on the other hand, seemed unphased by the situation. He set his cards down and walked over to Rodrigo.

"Alright, alright, calm down, man. She's just a groupie. Let her go," he said, his fingers kneading Rodrigo's shoulders. 

After a few more beats, he released the trembling girl from his grip and stepped back. She scrambled for her things, tripping over her platform boots, and darted from the room as if the devil himself was on her heels. My head spun from it all, and it was only then I noticed music playing from the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was the same song the Elvis impersonator sang right as Rodrigo and I shared our first kiss as husband and wife. Why Do Fools Rush In, echoed off the wood beams of the chapel with his crooning while Rodrigo carried me down the aisle to a promised happily ever after.

How fitting of a song because standing there in that hotel room, I was the biggest fool for rushing into marriage.

When the door slammed behind the groupie, Rodrigo turned to me as if the entire interaction was nothing but a fever dream and spread his arms.

"Come here, baby. I'm all yours now."

"Why did she say that about Melody?" I stepped back, and his arms dropped.

"She's drunk. Don't listen to her."

"Bullshit." I lifted my chin, glaring.

"Just be honest with her," Melody piped up, and my attention swung towards her like the barrel of a gun. She finally looked me in the eyes and shrugged. "We placed bets on the game, and I lost one of the rounds."

"Shut up, Melody!" Rodrigo growled.

"No. She's a big girl. She can handle it. Giving him a blowie was the price I had to pay for losing."

"Fuck you, Melody." He slapped the table, shoving everything off like a toddler. "Get the hell out of my room. Leave!"

"Ah, come on, man. Take it easy." Leo threw his hands up. "Come sunrise, we're all gonna laugh at this. There's no need to argue over a silly game."

"Are you seriously ok with this?" I snarled at him.

"Carmela," he smirked, his expression full of pity for me. As if I was being ridiculous. "I'm a married man. What happens on the road stays on the road. Melody knows when the tour ends, I go home to my wife, so she's free to do whatever she wants. No one's feelings are getting hurt."

"But Rodrigo isn't free to do what he wants, and it's my feelings getting hurt!"

"Listen, Carmela." Melody stood. "The blowjob meant nothing to either of us. I've given handshakes that are more intimate."

"Well, it means something to me," I shouted, pointing an accusatory finger. "You're supposed to be my friend!" 

"Honey," Melody sighed and circled me before stopping to whisper in my ear, her hands on my waist. "I kept him distracted so you could play with Ben. A thank you would be nice."

A gasp hitched in my throat, and I reeled back to gape at her. Had she lost her damn mind? Did she think giving my husband oral sex was a noble gesture? But then I remembered our conversation in the bathroom a few weeks prior and the one that followed with Rodrigo. He didn't spell it out, but he warned me about being unfaithful on the road in so many words. 

And as brutal as Melody's words had been that day, she was right. I needed to either adapt to life on the road as a rockstar's wife or go home. 

But I couldn't go home. 

So I needed to adjust in my own way, which meant hardening my heart—swallowing the fantasy I had of marriage and accepting that I chose the wrong path. Yet, there was also light in the gloom surrounding me. Rodrigo's unfaithfulness meant allowing myself the guiltless freedom of being attracted to Ben. Of course, I wouldn't stoop to Rodrigo's level, but maybe I could steal an ounce of love from Ben, just an ounce, to keep me sane?

"It's almost four in the morning." I wiped a tear trickling down my cheek and took a deep breath. "I'm tired, and I want to go to sleep."

"We can sleep when we're dead!" Leo laughed. "Why don't we gather around, chill out, and finish off what's left of this case of beer?"

"I'd rather sleep now."

"Leo..." Melody strutted towards him, her hands flexing for his. "It's late. We should get back to our room and let these love birds kiss and makeup."

"Fine, fine," he sighed. "But I've got plans for you when we get to our room."

"You'll have to chase me if you want to catch me!" Melody winked and bolted for the door, but Leo was on her heels.

In one swoop, he draped her over his shoulder and patted her half-naked bottom. As the door closed behind them, her giggling faded down the hallway, and then it was just Rodrigo and me. Anxiety pulsed in my veins, crawling over me like a swarm of ants searching for food. I didn't want to be alone with him.

"Carmela, baby, my sweet thing. Please don't be mad at me. It meant nothing. It was just a stupid bet, and I didn't even enjoy it." He shrugged as if the nonchalance made it all better, and I smacked his hands away when he reached for me.

"You expect me to believe that?" 

"Well, it's not like you ever suck my dick, so why do you care?" 

"Wow."

"I didn't mean that," he blurted. "You know I love you."

"Right."

"Carmela, I do. No one compares to you. No one." 

"If that were true, you wouldn't have let Melody do that to you or let groupies sit on your lap!" 

"Baby." He cupped my face and wiped the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. "I'm sorry. It meant nothing, I swear." 

"I don't believe you."

"What can I do to make it better?"

"I asked you to stop making a fool of me, yet you keep doing it."

"Then I'll stop. The booze, the drugs, the girls, all of it." 

"You've made promises before, but you keep breaking them."

"And this time, I will keep them! I swear." He tucked loose strands of hair behind my ears while searching my eyes, his own pleading with me. When I darted my gaze to our feet, he kissed my nose, then my forehead. "You are so beautiful. You're all I need. Please don't be mad." 

"Stop making a fool of me. I'm not built for this life, and it's breaking me."

"Baby..." The creases in his forehead softened. "You're the last person I want to hurt, so I'll do better. You just have to be patient with me. I'm not used to having an angel like you in my life, but I promise I'll do better."

When I glanced back at him, he took my hands and guided us to the bed, and relief filled my lungs with a deep inhale. I was ready to succumb to much-needed sleep and bury my head in a pillow to forget everything, but Rodrigo wasn't done with me. 

"Stay right here. I've got a surprise for you."

"Like what?" I crooked a brow.

"You'll see." 

Sinking onto the bed, I watched him disappear into the bathroom, followed by sounds of him digging through his toiletry bag. There was a sharp sniff sniff, followed by the jangle of him digging through his bag again. He exited the bathroom wiping the bad habit from his nose, but I was too distracted by the sparkling necklace dangling in his hand to say anything. 

"I got this for you." He smiled, his nose red and his eyes even redder. 

"From that gift shop?"

"Yes." He slipped it around my neck and fastened the clasp. My fingers gravitated to the turquoise stone carved to look like a rose. A glistening diamond sat in the center of the petals.

"But everything there was so expensive."

"And worth every penny for my sweet thing." He kissed my forehead. "Let's make love with you wearing it." 

"Rodrigo, it's beautiful, but I'm exhausted."

"After this, you'll fall right to sleep." He pulled my hips into him and began kissing down my neck, so I nudged his chest.

"Rodrigo, please, it's four in the morning. I need to sleep." 

"Saying no to your husband?"

"You've already had your fill tonight, and I'm tired."

"I just gave you a beautiful necklace, and you're still bringing that up? I told you it meant nothing. Would you prefer I go out there and fuck a groupie instead? Because I can, you know? As you can see, plenty of them throw themselves at me every night!"

"I didn't say that."

"Right. You're just tired. But as my wife, you have to fulfill my needs, and if you don't, I'll find someone who will."

"What?" Even though none of his words should have surprised me, I clutched the necklace. The beautiful gift meant to placate me was nothing but a bandaid covering an infected wound. "What about your promises?" 

"I don't want to break them, but the choice is yours. So what's it going to be, babe?"

There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently. So many times, I should have been brave enough to stand up for myself, but Rodrigo was all I had after turning my back on my family, and I feared being alone. Loneliness can make a person do stupid things to feel an ounce of love from the ones they care about most. So, I went along with it and got undressed before climbing onto the bed.

Rodrigo could have my body, but he couldn't have my mind as I lay there, staring at the ceiling and thinking of Ben. He didn't even care about my lack of participation. He was always in such a hurry as if my orgasm wasn't his concern.

When he finished, he rolled over and zonked out. But I remained awake for a bit, thinking about how we cheated on each other that evening and what it meant for our future. Many would argue Rodrigo's betrayal was far worse. And sure, what I did was innocent in comparison, but it was still a betrayal, and I wasn't the type of girl who went around sneaking or lying. Yet, I had done so much between dating and marrying Rodrigo and having a secret relationship with Ben.

Who was I becoming?

Each day on tour, bits, and pieces of myself flaked away like a snake's skin. Except, the renewed flesh revealed someone unrecognizable. Someone I wasn't sure if I liked.

At sunrise, we climbed into the tour bus as if all was normal. I smiled and chatted with everyone, including Melody, as I proceeded to convince myself everything happening was ok. As long as I could steal an ounce of love from Ben, I knew I could get through anything. I could endure life on the road.

Denial is one hell of a drug.