Needless to say, we don't make it to Chem. We spend the entire morning in Veronica's bed, wrapped together under the sheets; her face nestled in the crook of my neck, her fingers stroking my chest. I don't know what to say; I don't think either of us do. Who needs words after what we just did?

Maybe it's because this fragile moment, the one I've allowed to happen when I shouldn't have, might shatter like glass if one of us actually speaks.

I guess I'm too ashamed to say anything. It's not how our first time should have been. I hate myself for not being able to take hold of the situation when I should have, and I feel as though I've taken something so precious from her, only to disappear from her world in a couple of days.

I should feel blissed out. I should feel amazing. Instead, I feel awful.

The feeling knots up, tightens in my chest, and doesn't let go. Not even when we finally get up, hand in hand (but still in silence), and pick up the mess in the living room like we planned on doing so all along.

It doesn't let go when, still silently, I help her fix something for lunch. It doesn't let go as we eat single-handedly because we won't relinquish the other's hand.

It solidifies when she drags me to her room again for another round of lovemaking that I fail to stop... also incapable of uttering a word.

There are no words between us when we leave her house and walk to the beach, glued together like we're in some kind of three-legged race. Even sitting together in the sand, watching the beautiful sunset, doesn't spark any conversation. And yet, I have so much to say. I wish I could say I'm sorry. I wish I could go back in time a week and right all my wrongs. I wish I could cry right now the way I cried with Candace last week.

But this time, I'm not just the victim of an ugly destiny dragging me to some faraway place. This time I'm the offender, too. This is what this huge boulder sitting on my chest is trying to tell me. This is my punishment.

I can't leave her like this. I can't! The least I can do now is speak up. She's going to hate me beyond anything I have ever experienced before, but I deserve it. I deserve so much worse than that. At least she'll have the chance to pummel me with the anger and indignation I have coming to me.

I take a deep breath and prepare myself. Then I part my lips and finally break the never-ending silence between us. "I need to tell you something, Veronica."

She unglues from me for just a second, and finds a spot between my legs, pressing her back against my chest. "It's a gorgeous sunset, don't you think?"

"That's not what—

"Just agree with me, will you?" She leans a little to the side and kisses my cheek.

"What I have to say is important, though."

"I'm sure it can wait until you're back from your camp."

"That's what I'm trying to—

"If you say another word, I swear to God I'm breaking up with you!" she cries, well above fifty decibels. And after so much silence between us, the intensity of her voice makes me jump.

But I just kiss her shoulder in response, lingering there a little longer than usual.

Her voice returns to normal. "Do you love me, John?"

I stay silent, gauging her reactions. I'm not sure if she really wants me to reply or not. She leans away from me again, giving me a look, one that is both surprised and amused. Obviously, she is expecting an answer. "I do," I tell her. "And I don't think I have the words to express how much."

"There you go," she says with a slight chuckle, standing up in front of me and looking me in the eyes. A few strands of her silky hair blow across her face, and she tucks them behind her ear. Then she graces me with the saddest smile I've ever seen on her face. "I, Veronica Marie Holt, hereby commit to my previous statement, and am officially breaking up with John Austin Foster."

The boulder in my chest cracks and splits into shards, but despite everything, I manage to laugh. "What are you talking about, Vee? You set me up!"

"Said sentence may be revoked upon John Austin Foster's return from Camp, should he call and invite yours truly to Marco's for another latte."

I watch her sundress and hair billow in the wind as she takes off the silver necklace I gave her last May fourth. She lets it hang from her hand, waiting for me to take it.

"What?" I say, breathless. "You're breaking up with me because I'm leaving for the weekend? That's not something you'd do."

"If it's just for the weekend, then it's not a big deal, is it?" Vee looks at me and produces another sad smile, and for a second, I think she knows. Somehow she does, and she's just playing dumb with me. Maybe Martin betrayed me and told her?

Although, of course, this isn't something I'm entitled to complain about.

Her sad smile dissolves behind her pursed lips. She motions for me to take the necklace, and my hands move on their own. "You're coming back home soon anyway, aren't you?"

"Maybe not soon enough."

"Always the defeatist." She smiles, and it might be because I'm so fixated on burning her image into my retinas, but I notice for the first time that her slightly bigger front teeth aren't that big anymore. "No matter how long it takes, I'll be here, waiting for your return. And when that time comes, I want you to look for me and put this necklace back around my neck where it belongs."

I nod, unable to muster a word. The knot in my throat is too tight. I examine the pendant that I placed around her neck almost seven months ago. It now looks all wrong and forlorn in the center of my palm.

The shards of that boulder in my chest take aim at my heart, slicing it into thousands of pieces. It's a miracle I'm not crying at this point.

"It will be your reminder that, no matter where you go, my heart will always be with you, safe within that beautiful necklace." There's an ominous quality in the way she says "no matter where I go," and now I'm sure—she knows that my "camp" is going to take forever to get to—that it's fifteen hundred miles away. There's no other explanation.

She takes the necklace from my hand and kneels behind me, fastening it around my own neck. And then her arms are around my neck, too.

"Cheer up, okay? You're the most precious person in my life, and I don't like to see you hurting this way." Her voice is so soft and tender that, despite her intentions, the lump in my throat tightens and threatens to strangle me. "I can't let you go anywhere like this, you know?"

I don't want her to let go, though. That's the whole point of this. But I can't expect her arms to shield me from the truth that waits ahead for me and my family.

Not even all the love we share between us can erase the fact that I'm going to move away in a day and a half.

It's clear now; this is our goodbye. And I refuse to give this girl, my girl, a last image of me weeping like a baby. She deserves better, and hell, I know I can do better!

So, I swallow half the lump in my throat, look ahead, and exhale slowly. I imagine our collective sadness taking off like a balloon; like a bird that was trapped for too long and has now found its cage open. And for a minute it works. But hey, a minute is all I need.

"I'm acting like it's the end of the world, aren't I?" I say, watching the imaginary bird take the sorrowful balloon out of sight. My voice is still so croaky it hurts to speak. "Veronica?" I say.

"Yes?"

"Even if we can't be together, we will always be under the same sky."

Vee's hug tightens a little bit, and a soft kiss meets my cheek. "I always love how you say the sweetest things so effortlessly."

"What's a poet without his muse?" It's kind of a cheesy thing to say with a straight face. A bit like shooting the bird and popping the balloon all in one shot, sending them back down to earth in free fall.

"And you're even humble enough to share the credit with me," Vee says.

We stay like this for a minute, our fingers intertwined, watching the sun slowly disappear behind the horizon.

"I need to be on my way now, John."

"Okay, sunshine."

"Don't forget our date when you get back, OK?"

"Not for a second," I promise.

"And remember: you promised to behave."

I nod, willing her to go. If she's still here when that bird lands, I'm going to lose it.

"And I'll know if you break your promise!" she says, doing her best to sound cheerful.

I nod twice, more urgent now, feeling despair building inside me, ready to burst out.

When she finally lets go of me, the bird crashes near my feet. Agony, heartache, grief... all of these feelings explode inside of me, and I will them to stay still just a little longer; I just need to hold it together a little longer.

"See you later, John."

And she's off. I want to stand up and tell her to stay, to take her to fucking Marco's and give her back her necklace. I want to hug her, hold her tight and never let her go. I want to take her to Maple Heights with me. I want to do something, anything and everything, but the pieces of me are too fragmented; too undone to let me move. All that comes out of me is that catastrophic sob I fought so hard to keep quelled inside of me. But Vee is gone, meaning my Vee is no longer mine, and the sob becomes a sad howl—the sound of a wounded puppy crying for mercy.

My tears blur my vision on their way out, and I sit there on the beach, well into the night, and cry until my eyes are dry and lifeless, until the bay is flooded enough to take away that little bird's corpse. Until the shards of that boulder in my chest are through tearing my heart apart.

And when I realize that boulder has finished its job; when my heart lies in pieces, I feel their massive weight in the pit of my chest.

I stare out over the bay, wondering how I can still be breathing when my heart is broken.

END OF BOOK ONE