Fall

Summary: Chale jaao yaha se doorr, humse doorr - ya phir itne qureeb aajao ke tum thaq pohochne se pehele har toofan ko humse guzarna pade.

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||Listen to the song guys!||

"Ya Allah is ghar main na bohut zare bachche hai," Farida Begam comments when they finally enter the hall.

They could hear the din of guests now crowded in the dining hall but Farida takes Amrit's trembling hands in her warmer ones and squeeze them.

"I've taken out clothes for you. You should go up and change quickly before you catch a cold. Veer aap bhi -"

Veer pushes past them ignoring her, his face a mask of indifference yet his shoulders taut in anger. He takes the stairs two at a time and vanishes upstairs on his own.

"Jhagada hua  hai kya?" Farida asks her, Amrit merely smiles weakly at her uncertain of what to say to that concerned inquiry. Farida sighs and pats her hand. "Well go, go and see."

Amrit follows Veer hesitantly, not truly wishing to repeat the argument at the boathouse. He had closed the door behind him. She gulps and knocks on the door unwillingly.

"Andar aajao Amrit," comes the curt reply.

Veer hadn't changed, hadn't even touched the clothes laid out for him. Instead he sits at the window sill drinking straight from a bottle, already half empty. Amrit flinches.

"Veer aap phir se -"

Veer clicks his tongue.

"Kapde waha hai. Bathroom waha." He points. "Go, change and get out before you give me a headache and tell Begam sahab I'm not coming down for dinner. Aaj ke liye bohut hogaya."

"And you'll keep drinking on an empty stomach?"

Veer shrugs and turns away, not before giving her an elaborate eye roll.

Amrit sighs, collects her own change of clothes and enters the bathroom.

Veer watches her go in his peripheral vision and sloshes down the bitterness that rises in his mouth with another swing of burning liquor. He wishes oblivion would come - but even as his insides burn his mind remains clear and tortured.

"Veer?" Amrit calls after a long while. Her voice is barely audible. "Aap hai waha?"

"Kya hai?"

"Can you call someone - I need a little help with my dress."

"Everyone is down at the dinner Amrit."

He hears the bolt being undone with a click. The door opens a crack.

"Aap aajayenge phir - please?" Amrit fumbles with her words clearly hating this as much as he did.

Veer sets down the bottle heavily and stands up.

Amrit stands before the mirror in the washroom holding the two ends of her blouse together over her back, face flushed to a color humanly impossible.

A scathing retort about not being her lady's maid dances at the tip of his tongue, but then Amrit already looks to be in such discomfort that Veer swallows it with a grimace.

A tiny row of buttons run down one edge, such that she'd never manage on her own unless she has years of practice. Veer's frown deepens if possible as he wonders if Farida Begam has planned it.

Her hands tremble when he takes over and goosebumps break across her skin at the slightest brush of his knuckles. Amrit hisses through clenched teeth and turns her head away, her hair cascade down in a curtain of soft black.

Veer sighs, gathers all that hair over her shoulder so he could see what he is doing. Fingers that he trailed across her cheek come away wet. Veer's eyes flicker into the mirror and meet her teary ones. His fist clenches.

"If you want to leave - right this minute - that can be arranged," he says through gritted teeth. "Tum yahaan apni marzi se aayi thi Amrit. Hum tumhe uttha kar nahi laaye the. Aise bebas ho kar humari taraf matt dekho, as if I've forced you into anything. As if you can't bear the sight of me. Tumhe apna samajhne ka haq na sahi todi izzat toh do. Jaanvar nahi hai hum despite what Ma sahab thinks. Don't make me feel like one!"

If only his words bring more tears. Veer slams his fist against the mirror and the resulting sound makes her jump.

"Rona bandh karo tum!" He growls. "What do you think, I've brought you here to put duress on you until you give into my suggestion? Arre bacha kar laaye the tumhe! Do you know what Ma Sahab was about to do - uss kothe wali Amina Bai ko bhulai thi unnhone- had she come, seen you and recognized you- in the presence of so many people what would you have done? And that fool of a fiance of yours thinks he's in the top of his game. Ma sahab ki issharon pe naach raha hai woh. Usse kudh nahi pata ke jab baat humein neecha dikhane ki aati hai toh unnhe apni ticket ki bhi parwah nahi hoti! It's a twenty years old battle Amrit, now we don't see who ends up beneath our chariots.

"I know I pulled you into this - but I'm trying to make amends aren't I? Koshish kar rahe hai na hum? The moment she brings out your truth - tumhe uss Amina Bai ko lauta dene ka baat hui hai - deal hui hai ma sahab aur Amina ke beech. Issi liye kehe raha hoon - ya toh shaadi karlo - ya phir chale jaao uss Randheer ke saath! Kyun ke hum tumhari barbaadi nahi dekh sakthe - nahi dekh sakthe hum!"

Veer draws in a tortured breath through his teeth when Amrit touches his fist with unsure hands.

It is only then that he notices the blood dripping down on the pristine white of the wash basin, thick - dark and ominous. The mirror had cracked and his blood taints Amrit's hands. She looks at him in horror - wide eyes unblinking. But for this once she offers no comfort.

"Chale jaao yaha se doorr, humse doorr - ya phir itne qureeb aajao ke tum thaq pohochne se pehele har toofan ko humse guzarna pade."

Amrit backs away, staring at him still, breathing heavily. Veer holds her gaze in the cracked mirror until she is completely gone.

Amrit couldn't breathe, air burns inside her - trapped and churning - as if an invisible hand on her head had had her pressed underwater.

She could no longer see Veer, but his eyes remain branded upon her - his words an ever ringing crescendo that she couldn't escape.

Amrit tears out into a hall way, heaving for breath - hands still tained with blood. She needs air. She needs to get out. The walls seem to close in. The shadows seem to claw at her as she passes.

At the end of the passage Amrit notices a set of double doors that could only be leading outside. They are locked and a pair of guards materialize from the shadows.

"It's after hours," one of them says. "You can't go out now - Kuwar Rani Sahab. It's the rule of this estate."

"Please," she chokes, wondering what kind of a rule that is. Her eyes blur with burning tears and she gasps for air, clawing at her throat. "Please just -"

"Open the damn door!" A voice that could only be Veer's thunders behind her.

The guards jump and blanch, before quickly complying. Amrit stumbles outside and is immediately soaked to the bone. The rain is merciless, cold and heavy as it falls upon her.

She wraps her arms around herself and stares right up at the sky, tears - hot and resentful merging with the cold unforgiving water.

Is this the results of so many prayers? So much faith? Is there a God somewhere or not? Why couldn't Rani Ma stop trying to ruin her son's life? Why couldn't Randheer just take his freedom and go? And why she - why was she brought up in a way that she could not jump the sinking ship and not feel guilty?

The scream tears from her throat and Amrit falls on her knees, unmindful of the muddy ground, uncaring of the picture she made in this stranger place.

Who would understand? To the world she was Veer's wife - to Veer she had made her choice, to Randheer she was a foolish girl who needed to be brought to her senses, to Rani Ma she was an obstacle to be removed. Who would understand why she didn't want to take this step? Why she didn't want to marry him? Why she accepted this limbo instead of taking the plunge?

Amrit couldn't bring herself to.

Marriage was not a game - not an act, or a deal. Marriage once done was done. There would be no more conditions, no more bargains, no more holding back - she'd belong to him in every worldly way, unconditionally, inviolably and irretrievably. At least that was what Amrit was taught and she hasn't forgotten yet.

In her mind, so many years ago, she had promised all that to Randheer. In her heart, she had already assented to all that - and more.

And now - in a move she made to save that very man, she was to break all those promises? Make new ones with a man who did not know the value of any of them? Who was the last person Amrit wanted to belong to unconditionally and irretrievably?

Amrit unfolds her palms and stares at them. They are still blood stained.

Tumhari barbaadi nahi dekh sakthe...Veer had said. But she had been ruined since the day Farook branded her arm had she not?

And Randheer he would not leave until he is satisfied with her happiness. The very weakness that Rani Ma was taking advantage of. He couldn't see the danger he was in - the cruelty Veer was capable of - if, he is substantially provoked. Tum sehe nahi paaongi ...had he not warned her? But then hadn't the same man given her the choice of leaving with Randheer?

Why wasn't she leaving? Why couldn't she take Veer up on that offer? Why couldn't she end this on her own terms? Was it because even without phere and sindoor Amrit considered herself bound?

Was it because no matter what she considered or not, the society would consider her bound? Could she dare tell them - after all this time that there was no marriage?

Vaada kar sakthi ho. Vaada nibbha bhi sakthi ho - par iss rishte ko naam nahi de sakthi? Humare saat rehe sakthi ho - hum par bharosa kar sakthi ho - haq jata sakthi ho - par kudh pe humein koi haq nahi de sakthi?

Amrit shuddered.

Veer was right to point out her hypocrisy. One woman cannot belong to two men at the same time and still remain untainted.

She was right in protecting Randheer, then she'd be right in letting him go. She cannot allow her own taint to ruin him too.  The bargain she made required that she pay up. There was no turning back anymore. In a way, Farida Begam was right.

Trying to leave Veer would end up ruining both of them - and she didn't even want to leave him in the first place. So if he wanted a seal on this deal - why ever not? If the gods wanted her to stab and kill this last part of her heart too - why ever not?

Her teeth clatter and Amrit hugs herself tighter. It was stupid of her to ruin the new change of clothes so, but then she wanted to feel that power of nature on her - realize how small she was on the hands of her fate, how insignificant - how helpless.

Amrit is only dimly aware of the hands that wrap her in a dry blanket. Those large, calloused hands that have grown so familiar over the time pull her back to her feet.

"Kuwar Rani hai aap, biwi sahab hai humari," Veer tells her slowly. "Sambhaliye apne aap ko."

She leans against him, taking the shield that he offers. The rain is no longer beating upon her, the only beat that pours in her ear is Veer's heart, steady and strong.

"Ab sambhali nahi jaati," she mutters in a voice that remains between them but will remain so forever as long as they shall live.

Amrit lifts her rain blurred eyes and meets Veer's gaze, reads the slight puzzlement in his eyes. She feels weary, battered like a fallen leaf.

Let the wind take her, she didn't want to fight any longer.

"Sambhaliye mujhe Kuwar sahab, mujhse ab kudh ko sambhali nahi jaati."

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