Sin

Summary: Tumhe humse mohabbat karne ki ijazat nahi hai.

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After so many years he is reminded of that nestling. Bile rises to his throat at the thought.

The boys had stoned the nest down, in the woods that lined the Shrighar grounds. It was such a pointless cruelty. Papa Sahab had caned them all, not caring if his step son was included in the mix.

"Aap raja banenge Veer," he remembers the man's bitter words. "Inn sab ke rakshak banenge. They are your responsibility, not tools for your pleasure. Agar koi aap ko apna zindagi sonp de, aur aap unhe bacha na paye toh aisa paap lagenge kabhi koi praishchit nahi honga."

They had tried to save it, that fragile ball of down - feathers. He remembers keeping it in a fur lined box, under a mild light bulb for warmth.

It didn't eat. It didn't fight for life. It had kept looking at him with such sorrowfully bright eyes. Veer had failed that tiny life, unknowingly, unthinkingly.

He remembers keeping it clasped in his hands trying to warm it, trying to make amends for a mistake that had turned into a sin. He remembers how it had gone still.

Kuwar Veer Pratap Singh never went on hunting trips. Nobody knew why, for he was a pretty accomplished shooter, their estates were full of game. But the memory of that one nestling never allowed him to hunt again, that one sin still made his stomach churn.

Amrit had looked at him with similar eyes. Her eyes were beautiful, her eyes were trusting and unknowingly somehow he had betrayed that trust.

Apni poori zindagi de di, she had once said.

And indeed she had given him everything, body and soul, every right over her life. And still he had failed her. She had wanted to leave. She was afraid. He had failed to protect her.

Veer has not moved yet. They sit on the floor, leaning against the counter. Amrit is curled against him, her head heavy on his heart, her breathing deep and slow. Veer held her to him, with an arm wrapped around her shoulders. Fingers of his other hand were entwined with hers.

They will take her. He knows that now. Either she would learn to hate him, or her adamant desire to love him will end her.

He will lose her one way or the other. The cursed thing that he was, the monster that deserved no happiness, a girl like Amrit could never be his. He had ruined her.

Oh God, what has he done!

Someone opens the door on the side. The footsteps hardly make a sound.

"Chote hukum?"

He doesn't move. It's Shravan Singh, his shadow falls over Veer as he walks in.

"Chote hukum?" Veer doesn't reply. "Veer baba?"

Shravan Singh takes a step back when the reddened eyes of his Kuwar sahab lift up to meet his. He bows, unable to bear the sight of that devastation.

"Shh," he says softly. "Dheere bolo, Dulhan Rani utt jaayengi."

Shravan Singh holds back the urge to clasp him in a hug.

Something about this man is compelling the older man to console him. He is a storm brewing, something devastating in the making.

Shravan Singh realizes that if somebody does not stop him now from walking down that particular path of self loathing, Shrighar would lose its heir. Dulhan Rani would lose her husband.

"Dulhan Rani ko kuch nahi honga, Veer baba."

"Haan," he replies automatically. "Hum kuch hone nahi denge. Apne saya taq padne nahi denge, kuch nahi hone denge."

The words make Shravan Singh clench his fist.

"Katra aap se nahi hai Veer baba."

"That wine was meant for me," his tone is finite. "Do you know what I did? I made her drink it. Like some bloody taster to be poisoned in my stead, I made her drink it! Woh bachchi hai, humare baaton mein aajati hai. Naadaan hai, masoom hai. Aur hum ne - hum ne usse -"

"It wasn't meant for you!" Shravan Singh grabs his shoulder and shakes him. "Don't go there Veer baba. Don't you dare! Think about it, who would plan for a bottle of wine in a manor rarely visited to be spiked? Who would know if you'd drink it or not? No, these are residue of somebody's old karma. Badkismati se aaj aap ke haat lag gaya. It wasn't meant for you. You are not responsible for anything. And even if Dulhan Rani did say something hurtful, yeh unki bol nahi the. Yeh woh dawaai unse bulwa rahi thi. Nashe mein log aksar sach nahi bolte Veer baba, iss galat feimi mein matt padiye."

"Kiss ke liye tha phir?"

Shravan Singh drags a breath and falls silent, his jaw works furiously.

The man was bound by a word given to his lord, no he could not break it. His eyes burned and his heart ached.

God why did his Rana Sahab had to put him in such a dilemma. He closed his eyes and recalled those words that had kept him silent for so long.

"No son should hate his mother. Veer should never know. Warna rishton mein se unkha bharosa hi utt jaayenga."

Veer shrugs off Shravan Singh's hand and stands up, lifting Amrit into his arms.

"Humein nahi jaanna. Forget I ever asked." He makes a move to carry her off and pauses again. "Un logo ka patha chala?"

"Ji Chote hukum, apparently your uncle and the panchaayat are involved."

"Of cause," Veer says dismissively. "Ma sahab never does anything by half measures. "Challo phir yahi sahi."

*

Amrit feels as of her body is made of lead, but then at the same time her head is light, floating. Her thoughts makes no sense, her memories are tangled together. There is a fire under her skin, an unfounded ache in her chest, her pulse is pounding. She feels afraid.

There are large hands caressing her face, murmuring incoherent words against her ear. She does not understand him, but she knows him, she is soothed by his presence.

"Matt jaao," she says rather petulantly, clenching at his collar.

If he wanted to keep his secret so badly, he could. Even if he did not trust her enough to allow her to heal him, it was fine. Anything was fine. Leaving was not.

"Mujhe nahi jaan na. Phir kabhi nahi poochungi. Phir kabhi -"

Her hushed voice breaks and Veer presses a kiss against her temple.

"You can ask me anything Jaan. Hum naraaz nahi hai tum se. Hum Kahi nahi jaa rahein. Stop begging, stop saying things like this."

She doesn't understand. He rubs her back and she falls back into a fitful sleep. Veer draws his fingers through her hair, holding in a sigh. His eyes burn.

"Maaf kar do humein," he says softly. "Kudh ko bohut rokhne ki koshish ki. Phir bhi yeh gunah hogaya. Tumse mohabbat hogaya."

Burying his head against her hair, he breathes her in. Filling himself with her scent. His throat tightens and his eyes brim.

Taking the shelter of her hair, pressed against her shoulder Veer allows those tears to fall. Nobody would know. Nobody would care.

"Aur iss duniya mein humare mohabbat se badi koi shaap nahi hai." He kisses her softly, thinking of all the people he had loved and lost.

Thinking of her and all the sweet dreams he had unwittingly allowed himself to indulge in. He had wanted a home with her, a family with her. He had wanted to grow old with her. He had wanted to die holding her hand, perhaps surrounded by their children and grandchildren, his head on her lap. Veer buries all those dreams with that salty kiss.

"I love you Amrit. Jitna ke humne kissi se kabhi mohabbat na ki ho. Aur kissi se kabhi phir na kar paye. Itna ke tumhe kuch hogaya toh hum iss duniya ko hi katham kar dein. Aur humare wajai se tumhe kuch ho jaaye yeh humein gawara nahi. Yahi humari mohabbat hai jaan, hum apni yeh manhoos saya tum par padne nahi denge."

He stroked a hand through her hair.

"Sun rahi ho?" His words are soft. "Phir kabhi nahi kahunga. Aaj kehe raha hoon, aur tum sun nahi rahi. Bohut pyaar karta hoon tum se.

"Aur karta rahunha. Aakhri saans taq kartha rahunga. Aur uss ke baad bhi tumhara rahunga. Par tumhe humse mohabbat karne ki ijjazat nahi hai. Yeh gunah karne ki ijazat nahi hai. I won't let you ruin yourself by falling for me. You will reach all the heights that you deserve. Tumhe itni door jaana hai ke humare yaad bhi tumhe chu na paye. Itni kamiyaab hona hai ke humare naam ki zaroorat na pade. Aur log jab tumhari baat kare toh iss kambakat ke koi naam na lein."

She thinks it's a dream, where his tears smudge into her cheeks as he presses the most tender kiss on her forehead.

She thinks it's a dream, a sad dream that Veer confesses his love as a farewell.

Amrit reaches with a hand to hold him back, to return that salty brush of lips, to perhaps tell him that she was ready to return all that affection and more.

Her fingers clasp nothing but air. Her eyes flutter open to find him gone and the lamps of the unfamiliar chamber lit to greet the fallen night.

*

It wasn't a dream. Amrit sits up, a hand massaging her throbbing temple. No, she is most certain it was not a dream.

"Tumhe humse mohabbat karne ki ijjazat nahi hai," he had said.

Amrit frowns, more of those words returning. Who was he to decide that? Her heart is hers to give, and give it she will. She had not meant to hurt him. She had not meant to doubt him. She had simply wanted him to tell her what was bothering him. And he had taken it so far as to cut her off his life?

Amrit scrambles to her feet and goes out in search of him. And when she finds him, when she does, Kuwar Veer Pratap Singh would learn the lesson of his life.

The half drunk glass of wine is still there. Along with her earrings and her necklace.

The cold glass now looked ominous. A threat looming over them, a smudge on an otherwise perfect picture. Was Veer affected too? If so, where had he gone with his senses dulled like that? What was in that box, what -"

Amrit pauses, more memories returning.

"Ma Sahab send it," his voice distant and bitter returns to her. "Woh sauda karna chahati hai. Hum nahi chahate ke tum humara sauda karo."

"Aur kudh chhod kar chala gaya," she mutters. "Agar raha nahi jaata toh jaata kyun?"

But the worry eats at the anger. His grief is stamped upon her. Each of those kisses is impressed upon her skin. He had kissed her as if he never would again, as if it was the last time.

It makes her afraid. Veer was an adamant man, and he had made a foolish choice of walking away from her.

Amrit draws in a torture breath. How could he? After she had kept her heart and soul on his hands and had begged him to never, never turn his back on her.

Has her words done it?

Dear lord, has she hurt him so much? If so, will he not give her a chance to even earn his forgiveness? Would he still not give anyone including her a second chance?

The thought makes her heart clench painfully that Amrit gasps. Has she lost him? What would she do to put it right - what wouldn't she do?

Amrit knew very little about managing a marriage, and even less about patching up a failing one. What was she do to? Where was she to find him?

The voices outside, raised voices breaks through her confused thoughts, stirred awake Amrit rushes and looks down from the nearest balcony, which like many others opens directly into the secluded courtyard.

There are men at the gates, mostly the royal guard. She could see the back of Shravan Singh's head.

What is happening? Amrit could not clearly see but she does catch the flavour of that scene which is violent. The fist Shravan Singh raises carries clear warning of repercussions.

Amrit swiftly goes down the stairs and across the headily scented courtyard, rather uncaring of the picture she made. If Rani Sahiba has send more people to confront Veer on her stead, she wanted to stand beside her husband.

The incoherent voices clear as she approached them. Especially the tail end of Shravan Singh's well chosen warning.

"Chote kuwar sahab aap apne hadd mein rahiye. Neither you, nor your mother can override a direct command from the heir apparent. Aaj aap iss chaukhat paar kadam nahi rakhenge."

Amrit comes to a halt just behind Shravan Singh. The guards parts to make way for her, their heads bowing almost immediately.

In Shrighar the protocol was followed to the last letter, none of these men dare to rise their eyes to meet hers.

But Randheer does.

"Amrit!" He begins over the calm tone of Shravan Singh.

"Aap se kuch baat-" then he pauses, his eyes taking her in.

It is with those trailing eyes that Amrit too becomes aware of how she might look.

The undone hair, cascading down her back and over her shoulders, lips still swollen from passion - and - Randheer's gaze stops at her throat, his jaw visibly clenches.

In the absence of the chocker to hide it, that blooming wine coloured blotch at her pulse point was a beacon on her pale skin.

Randheer could help but remember those words of Rani Ma. "He snatches it and puts his seal upon it." How right she was? Amrit who stood before him was branded a possession of Veer Pratap Singh, his blood boiled at the thought, at her ignorance that she did not see how the haughty man had slighted her, reduced her to a mere possession.

The pure hatred in those eyes makes her skin crawl, Amrit wraps the end of her pallu around herself feeling self conscious. She did not want her personal life to dissected at the main entrance.

"Bataiye," she says. Shravan Singh looks at her rather disappointedly. Randheer's eyes flashes at the man.

He takes a step forward.

"Nahi," Amrit stops him with that one word, taking a step back herself, the distance between them remains unchanged.

"Aap ke bhai ka jo hukum hai aap ne suna. Woh nahi chahte ke aap yahaan aaye, toh aap yahaan nahi aayenge. We may talk here, or not at all."

Shravan Singh meets her eye. There is a warning in his look, the man won't stop her, it wasn't his place. But he lets her know his approval is not in her course of action.

Randheer snorts.

"Will you ask these jailers of yours to step back, or would you rather we discuss how that maniac ruined our lives in front of his hounds?"

"Randheer!" Amrit bites out. "Unke naam tameez se lijiye. Aap unke hi ghar mein, unke patni ke saamne kadhe hai, bade bhai hai aap ke."

"Bhai? Paagal hai woh aadmi!"

He reaches out for her and Shravan Singh simply steps between them.

Randheer grits his teeth, starts again rather calmly.

"Amrit, you don't have to do this pretense anymore. He himself told me what he did with you. What sort of a deal you two made. How he -" he pauses darkly.

"How he bought you. Amrit you don't have to protect me anymore. Look! Even the God is helping us. He can't hurt me anymore. You don't have to do any of this! You can stop now. We can be together and nobody can stop it. I don't even care what he made you do - I don't care if you -"

He pauses seeing the look in her face. It is that look again, the look that made her look so much like that man, that husband of hers.

"Boliyen. Rukh kiyun gaye?" Amrit says softly, but venom drips from her tone.

"You don't care if I what? Slept with him? Of cause why would you care? Pati hai mere, main joh karoon unke saat!"

If her words had hurt him Randheer doesn't let it show. Instead he kneels down, uncaring on the condition on the ground, his focus on her.

"Yeh aap nahi aap ke ghussa bol rahi hai. Aur jayaz hai aap ki ghussa hona. You did so much for me and I thought so wrong of you. I did not try to understand. It is my ignorance that he took advantage of.

"Amrit, what you are being shown isn't the truth. He has played both of us, painted me in blackest of colours before you and made you do all this in anger. Aap unke paas gayi hongi, apni marzi se gayi hongi. But you did that to rid yourself of my thoughts, my memories. You did that because you were angry with me - not because you love him! Woh ek khel khelraha hai aap ke saat."

Disgust twists her face. God, how many more lies will he believe from the lips of that woman?

Amrit could not imagine a man being so blind, yet along stupid. But here he was, in front of her, spawning nonsense.

But Veer had predicted this - Veer had known. He had told her in simple terms that he will never be an emotional buffer for her to recover from Randheer. That he will not be a second choice to fall back to, a reason to forget the other man. And he wasn't - God, he wasn't!

Amrit turns her back on the man instead. The very face of him kneeling there, begging for feelings that do not exist from a woman who thoroughly belong to another man, makes her stomach turn.

"Amrit!" He calls after her.

"Kaka, I have nothing more to say to him. Kuwar sahab aaye, inhe yahaan dekein toh teek nahi honga."

"Ji Dulhan Rani," Shravan Singh's lips curl with sarcasm. "I shall see to it that he is nowhere here."

"Amrit!"

"Babhi hoon aap ki," Amrit throws a scathing final remark. "Iss tarah se meri naam lena aap ko shoba nahi deta."

Randheer rises back to his feet, taking that hurtful reminder in stride.

"What happened with you the other day, he is behind it!" He accuses. "Tumhe hazil karne ke liye yeh ghatiya khel khelraha woh. Yakeen nahi ho toh humare saat chalo. And see if Uday and Vashma aren't in his custody. Woh aap ko bhuri tarah se -"

Amrit turns sharply, not towards Randheer but Shravan Singh. The words from before, woh aap se humara sauda karna chahti hai, ringing in her ears. Uday Veerji and Vashma it was then, the threat he wanted to keep from her.

"Kaka - Kuwar sahab kahaan hai?"

Shravan Singh bites his lip, his beard moving as his jaw worked.

"Bataiye Kaka!"

He doesn't respond yet. Oh Veer, Amrit is certain he has seen this eventuality and placed a command on this man not to talk.

Oh curse him and his smartness.

"He is not well. He is not supposed to go and put himself in danger." He is not supposed to hurt himself for me, is what she thinks but wouldn't say.

"Kaka I don't want to go with this person. But if you keep mum now I will. Because I will go to kuwar sahab this very instance, I don't care who takes me. So I beg of you - I command you! Mere pati kahaan hain, kyun hai, kya kar raha hai sab kuch aap mujhe issi waqt batayenge, yeh humara aadesh hai."

**
Okay so, I have good news *hopefully* after this rather dark chapter.
We are at the cusp of 25K, hence I have decided to go for a 5 chapters back to back week. Yes, you heard it right, next week from Monday to Friday you will have a chapter every day. So be prepared and don't miss any chapter of this special week! :-)
Do share your thoughts, vote and leave me inspiration. I had a very busy week and could do with a bit of cheering up. :-)
Thank you for being here!